Such Men Are Dangerous (35 page)

TOM

Oh—what a freak! But of course I should have known. What else but low cunning could have landed you a rich man? Or any man at all?…Hey, do you think much of it will ever come our way?

NORAH

Tom!

LINDA

No, Mum, don’t worry. Anyone can say anything tonight.
Carte blanche
. Or at least until Trevor gets here.

NORAH

Oh! Talking about him I’d forgotten he was actually coming. Linda, how do I look? I wish you’d given us some warning. (Indicating Linda’s coat and things) Tom, run and hang those in the hall, please.

TOM

Why me? They’re not mine.

NORAH

And then take these coffee cups into the kitchen…William, do be helpful or else sit down again.

WILLIAM

How long have you known this boy?

LINDA

A little over two weeks.

WILLIAM

Two weeks!

LINDA

And, Dad, he isn’t ‘this boy’. He’s Trevor.

WILLIAM

Norah, did you hear that? Two weeks. I’m really not at all sure about this.

LINDA

Why? What is there for
you
to be sure about?

WILLIAM

What can you know of anyone in just a little over two weeks? Except, perhaps, you want to go to bed with them. And when do you plan on getting married? Monday?

TOM

Or don’t you care for long engagements?

LINDA

We don’t know yet. We thought perhaps at Easter.

WILLIAM

This Easter?

LINDA

Yes, we realize it doesn’t give us long. But we don’t want a large wedding. And don’t worry, by the way: his parents will be paying.

WILLIAM

Do they know about this yet?

LINDA

Of course.

WILLIAM

Why of course? We’ve only just found out. Aren’t we as important as they are?

NORAH

William, you know Linda didn’t mean that. Oh, heavens, I must go to have a wee—but how can I, when I’m so afraid of what you two…I mean, things that you’ll forget to tell me? Will you promise me, all of you, to sit here in complete silence?

LINDA

Yes, Mum. We won’t say another word.

WILLIAM

Have you
met
his family yet?

LINDA

That’s happening next weekend.

NORAH

Oh, please! I don’t want him to find me in the loo.

LINDA

I’ll go! I know you’re going to like him. Please—you’ve got to make him like you. (Exits)

WILLIAM

Oh, that’s nice.
He
doesn’t have to work at it. We do.

NORAH

My goodness! Don’t be so touchy!

TOM

Who was the silly girl, then, who left it too late? Nothing for it now but to keep your legs crossed. Or do I mean your fingers?

NORAH

Anyway, it’s only nerves. As soon as he comes in, I’ll be fine. Tom, do I look reasonably okay?

TOM

Smashing. You’ll outshine us all. The light switch doesn’t stand a chance.

LINDA

Well, everybody, here he is! Mum, this is Trevor.

NORAH

Hello, Trevor. Are you feeling half as nervous as I am?

TREVOR

Petrified. Those must be my teeth you hear. Or possibly my knees.

NORAH

(About to shake hands) Or are we allowed to kiss? This is the first time. I don’t yet know the form.

TREVOR

Well, I haven’t been through it all that often myself. Let’s make up our own rules. (They kiss)

LINDA

And this is my father.

WILLIAM

Trevor Lomax—the man of contradictions!

TREVOR

Sir?

WILLIAM

Petrified; turned to stone. And yet your knees knock. (They shake hands)

LINDA

I think that’s a joke. You soon get used to Dad. You don’t need to pay him much attention.

WILLIAM

You might have concealed that for at least a minute.

LINDA

You bring these things upon yourself. And this is my little brother: that
enfant terrible
I warned you about. You don’t have to pay him much attention, either.

TREVOR

(They shake hands) Hello, Tom.

TOM

Hi, Trev.

LINDA

Trev! (Pulls a face)

TOM

Is that really a nice, normal, healthy reaction to the man you say you want to marry? Oh—who expects ‘normal’ in this household?

NORAH

Trevor, never mind any of them—you come and talk to me. You must be frozen; perhaps it wasn’t just nerves making your teeth chatter. Warm yourself first at the fire.

TREVOR

Thank you—but I’m fine. (TREVOR sits, having looked round to check all the family is seated. LINDA is sitting on the floor)

NORAH

Well, do I need to say this has been one of the biggest surprises of my life—and definitely one of the happiest? But what have you been doing for the past twenty minutes while Linda was giving us all such pleasure? Not just sitting in your car shaking?

TREVOR

Oh, no. Driving round the town a little. Shaking.

NORAH

Poor Trevor. And you couldn’t have seen much of it at this time of night, anyway. Come to that, there isn’t much of it to see, not even at high noon.

TREVOR

No shoot-outs?

NORAH

I almost wish there were. Anything, I sometimes feel, to mitigate the dullness.

WILLIAM

Except unpredictability.

NORAH

At the moment all we’ve got is slush on the roads.

WILLIAM

Darling, won’t you please make up your mind what it is you really want out of life.

NORAH

Oh, that man! He makes it sound so simple.

WILLIAM

Of course it’s simple.

NORAH

No, for shoot-outs, Trevor, you have to step inside this house. But had I known you were just sitting in the car I’d have come and sat next to you. Held your hand.

TOM

Oy, oy! Oy, oy! Oy, oy!

LINDA

He’s mine. Not on loan to anyone. Even you.

NORAH

That’s not fair. I shan’t let you borrow my dress.

WILLIAM

Oh, your mother drives a hard bargain! What kind of car is it?

TREVOR

A Lambourghini.

TOM

A Lambourghini! Is it yours or…or your dad’s?

TREVOR

It was my birthday present last year—when I was twenty-one.

TOM

Did you hear that, folks? Only another four years to go; you can start saving. Did you have any car before that?

TREVOR

Oh, just an old beat-up banger of my sister’s. Do you drive?

TOM

No, worse luck. People round here are too mean to cough up for lessons. And on the pocket money I get—

NORAH

Trevor, how many brothers and sisters do you have?

TREVOR

I’ve two sisters, Mrs Freeman—no brothers. They’re older than I am: Vanessa’s twenty-three, Sally twenty-four.

WILLIAM

Just wait until you’ve got a job and can pay for your own lessons.

TOM

And when will that be?

NORAH

Are either of them married?

TREVOR

They both are. I’ve a niece and two nephews.

WILLIAM

In the meantime use your bike.

NORAH

That’s enough! If it’s not one pair of them, then it’s the other. When you were younger did you and your brothers, I mean sisters, squabble all the time?

TREVOR

Oh, I’m sure we did. Or would have. You see, we weren’t together all that much. Went to different schools.

NORAH

Ah, yes. You mean boarding schools?

WILLIAM

He means public schools.

TREVOR

Yes, I’m afraid so.

WILLIAM

Now that’s interesting. Why afraid so?

TREVOR

Well, I suppose I’m a little ashamed of the privileges money can buy.

WILLIAM

How ashamed?

TREVOR

Sir?

WILLIAM

Let’s put it this way. How much, for instance, have you given to Ethiopia?

NORAH

Oh, William!

LINDA

Dad!

TREVOR

No, it’s a perfectly fair question. I’ve given a…well, a reasonable amount. Nowhere near as much as I should have done, naturally, but…

WILLIAM

Twenty pounds?

LINDA

Don’t answer that. He’s got no right to ask.

TREVOR

A thousand.

WILLIAM

A thousand pounds! But I wasn’t talking about your parents’ contribution. I was talking about your own quite independently of theirs.

TREVOR

Yes, so was I. I don’t know what my parents gave; we didn’t discuss it. But I’m sure, of course, that they gave something.

WILLIAM

How do you know, then, if you didn’t discuss it?

TREVOR

We discuss the
situations
; I know their attitudes. But nobody says, “Look at me: I’m now going off to be charitable!” And nobody asks.

WILLIAM

(Pause) I feel I owe you an apology. Linda was right. I was entirely out of line.

TREVOR

I don’t see why, sir. But thank you, anyway. I never turn down a good apology.

TOM

And especially you shouldn’t in this house. They’re extremely rare.

NORAH

You speak for yourself. And even for your sister. Your father is always very quick with an apology, if he considers he’s been in the wrong.

WILLIAM

Mother likewise. And she does it more often—since she’s more often in the wrong. (NORAH sticks out her tongue at him)

TREVOR

(Laughs) I really hope I didn’t give the wrong impression just now. We’re a very ordinary sort of family. The only difference is…that we’ve been lucky. Yes, we try to be decent, but so do most people.

WILLIAM

Do they?

TREVOR

I think so.

WILLIAM

Yes, I suppose I think so too, on the whole.

NORAH

Of course you do. You’re an out-and-out optimist by nature.

TOM

Except when he’s an out-and-out pessimist by nature.

NORAH

No, if you’re talking about that slightly cynical air which he—

TOM

I’m talking about the days when all he does is mooch around with the mask of tragedy upon his face, not eating anything, not speaking to anyone…

WILLIAM

All right, I get depressed; we’ve already been through that once this evening—although I concede, not in front of Trevor. But you get moody too. You’re not exactly Nature’s Own and Best-Loved Little Sunbeam, may I point out?

TOM

(Jumps up and feigns a tantrum) I am, I am, I am! Mummy, how can he say otherwise? (Runs to her for protection) Beat off that naughty man! (To WILLIAM) But even if that’s true…I have a special dispensation. It’s my age. It’s the Bomb. It’s my inheritance from you. (Sings) “My sister wears a muss-tach, my brother wears a dress. Golly—gee—no wonder I’m a mess!”

WILLIAM

But I have a special dispensation as well: God’s attempt at consolation for saddling me with you. It was inadequate but at least it showed willing.

TOM

Now that could be your epitaph! We’d hardly have to change the pronoun.

WILLIAM

Well, one could end up with worse. (To TREVOR) You may have noticed by now: we have a love-hate relationship, my son and I.

TOM

Only half of that is true.

WILLIAM

Rubbish. Sometimes you think I’m okay.

TOM

Sez who? And even if that were so, it doesn’t seem to work in the opposite direction.

NORAH

Honestly, I’ve seldom heard you two talk so much nonsense. No, that
isn’t
honest: I’ve often heard it. But poor Trevor, what must he be thinking? They’re really very nice. Both of them. And basically, too, they’re really very fond of one another.

LINDA

Look, if Trevor wants nothing more to do with me after this weekend…!

TOM

Do you really think, then, that he’s going to last the weekend? The kid must have stamina.

LINDA

Very funny.

NORAH

You seem to have caught us on a particularly bad day.

TREVOR

But at least—whatever you may say—you don’t really need Gary Cooper round here to liven things up. Whereas…Well, next weekend, when Linda comes to meet
my
parents, I know exactly what the first half-hour will be: all talk about the weather, and how pretty Linda is, and how are you getting on with your studies, dear—and, why, what a charming dress that is and, oh, do you take sugar in your tea? The only bit with any intrinsic interest will be how pretty Linda is. I shan’t mind them spending the first half- hour talking about that.

LINDA

Oh! Sugar in the tea! Would anybody like some coffee?

TOM

Do you always stand up when she does?

LINDA

Yes, and he opens doors for me as well, and even pulls out my chair at table.

TOM

You mean—in
private
?

LINDA

Yes. I’m trying to cure him of it but it isn’t easy.

NORAH

Oh, I wouldn’t try too hard if I were you. It may be old-fashioned but it’s very nice.

WILLIAM

In any case I don’t suppose you’ll have to. Time usually takes care of things like that. Time unassisted.

NORAH

He’s speaking from experience. At the start
he
used to practise all those little courtesies.

TOM

(To WILLIAM) And when you said that time would take care of it…is that the optimistic or the pessimistic side? No, it’s a serious question. I really don’t know.

WILLIAM

No, nor do I. I’ll tell you what, though: let’s all forget about the coffee and get out the alcohol instead. Trevor, are you wedded to the thought of coffee—or would you rather have a whisky?

TREVOR

Thank you, I’d rather have a whisky.

NORAH

No doubt his shattered nerves require it.

WILLIAM

I was a little afraid you might turn out to be tee- total.

TREVOR

Now that’s interesting. Why afraid, sir?

NORAH

Well done, Trevor! One can see you’ll be able to give as good as you get.

WILLIAM

All right:
touché
. Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord. ‘Afraid’—because it would have made you altogether too wholesome, too healthy, too square. I think that none of us could have stood it.