Suck It, Wonder Woman!: The Misadventures of a Hollywood Geek (4 page)

INTRO: As that great
twentieth-century thinker, George Michael, once so eloquently put it: Sex is natural and sex is good. True. But may I be so bold as to add: Sex, great sex, can be very hard to have. But, yes, it is natural and good and with a few pointers, you too could make it GREAT. So that is why I would like to now offer a few ideas for how to make it less weird, even more fun, and occur way more often. Unlike most sexual encounters, I don’t think you’ll be disappointed by my advice.

1. Wrap it Up, We’ll Take it

You always dribble before you shoot, so make sure to wrap it up. Translation: Do not have sex without a condom. Even if you plan on pulling out, a few drops of your man-juice can spill out before you do and then, just like magic, it’s kid time! Sure they can be cute, but it’s so not worth it. Yes, guys will say that you can’t feel anything with a condom, or they want to raw-dog it because it makes them feel closer to their girlfriend. But let me reiterate: No matter how good the sex is, even if she is Giselle Body-By-God Bundchen, it’s not good enough to pay child support (roughly 30 percent of your income) for eighteen years. So wrap it up! Also, if you get an STD, you’re marked for life. Herpes, genital warts, AIDS (AIDS!), hepatitis—that shit’s for life. Sex, on the other hand, is just for two minutes!

You always dribble before you shoot, so make sure to wrap it up.

2. Listen to Your Lover (Or Babe, Sweetie Cakes, Hot Rod, Honey, Dancing Queen, Dairy Queen, etc.)

If she tells you she likes it when you bite her neck—do it! It doesn’t matter where she learned that she likes it or why she does, just be thankful you got the tip. Girls don’t always express what they want, so when she does say it, you really want to make sure you are paying attention. Also, learn her language (unless it is Mandarin, because that shit is impossible). If you start pulling her hair and she starts moaning, that’s her way of saying, “
Ohmygod,
please do this more, and by more I mean all the time.” And the more you please her, the more she’ll want to do it with you. It’s a win-win!

3. Get Down and Dirty

Okay, I know a lot of people have a hard time talking dirty—they don’t know what to say, how to start, or when to end it. Also, at first they will think they sound ridiculous. And they might. But let me just say that talking dirty is so important in sex. And it’s pretty easy. To wit: establish from the very beginning that you like this. And trust me, you want to do it early on. Because if you wait too long to introduce the concept, your Special Lady Friend will be a little thrown and might not take you seriously. Think of it as a hat. If you never, ever wear a hat and one day you try to rock a fedora with a feather, all of your friends will be like, “Dude—why are you wearing a fucking fedora with a fucking feather?” You’ll feel insecure and never wear it again. Now imagine that scenario, but in bed with your hardened dick out and it’s your girlfriend saying, “Dude—why the fuck are you talking like that?” Not good.

So, how do you start? I think a simple text message from the beginning of the relationship is perfect. Send a text that says, “Hey, I wish I was inside you right now.” (Ed. Note: Do not send texts like this if you are thinking of running for public office,
or
text only from one of those Go-Mobile pay-as-you-go phones.) It’s specific enough and kinda dirty, but not degrading. She’ll get excited that you’re thinking of her and so turned on with the text that she’ll engage in your sex-text conversation.

Now here’s the best way to talk dirty. Forget everything you’ve seen in porn (and, yeah, everyone knows about your porn habit)—that doesn’t work for girls. It’s simple. Just describe what you want to do to her. Whatever you do, just be very descriptive. When you’re taking her clothes off, tell her that you’ve been thinking about being inside her all day. Describe how it feels for you, how you want it to feel for her. Then pray to God it hasn’t happened in your pants already so she can rip them off you.

4. The Art of Seduction

Lord knows it ain’t easy keeping the love alive, but there are ways to do it that don’t involve
Cosmo
magazine or duct tape. First off, always switch it up. That doesn’t mean you have to dress like a perverted pirate and drop down from the ceiling. It just has to feel fresh. Like the moment she opens the door, grab her, shut the door and have your way with her right there in the foyer. Just that little moment will keep things exciting.

Or make a pact that you won’t have sex for a week. (What? A week is a long time!) The buildup will be so intense that you will both, inevitably, break the pact, but the sex will be amazing and you’ll feel closer, having broken the rules together.

And this is a tad more ambitious, but totally worth the effort: If you are driving by yourself and see a place that looks great for fucking—a clearing in the woods, a roadside waterbed, etc.—remember it, then drive back by with her in the car. Pretend like you just thought of it and tell her you want to have sex in that open house…but only if you can afford the mortgage because there’s a good chance she won’t want to leave! In which case, don’t forget to have your mail forwarded and the cable disconnected back at the old pad.

San Diego’s Comic-Con
International is my favorite convention to go to all year. It’s like the mothership calling me home. It’s filled with fans dressed up as their favorite characters, movie stars, smaller specialty stars and exclusive set pieces flown or shipped in just for the convention.

It really is the one place where you can set free your inner nerd without any shame. You can dress up as Jar Jar Binks and fall in love with someone else dressed as Silk Spectre…and no one judges you. In fact, everyone embraces it. Yes, even Jar Jar!

Nerd. Geek. Used to be if you self-identified that way, you’d get thrown into a locker and never have sex. Or worse, whatever that is (have you seen the size of those lockers???). But to me and more and more people I know, being a nerd or a geek means having passion, power, intelligence. Being a nerd just means there is something in the world that you care deeply about—be it twelve-sided dice, a favorite sports team, your new laptop or
Knight Rider.
And I’ve always found geeks sexy. If you look back on all the guys I’ve dated (with the exception of a few douches here and there) most of them are dorky-looking. But what I’ve always found attractive about these kinds of guys is their ability to be passionate about something (usually video games and
Star Wars
, in my experience) and not be ashamed of it. It’s really sexy to be around someone who knows how to tear apart a computer and put it back together—and loves doing it. Maybe I’m alone in this, but I don’t think so. Nerds are sexy.

And Comic-Con is nerd heaven. I love spending time with them, mingling and meeting—hell, I am one myself. One year at Comic-Con security threatened to shut down G4’s live show because so many fans had gathered near our stage and they wanted to avoid a fire hazard. But, I really wanted to spend time with the fans who just wanted a picture or an autograph. So, after the show, I spent five hours signing every magazine, picture, and T-shirt that the fans wanted ink on.

I don’t get people who don’t get why I like spending time with the fans. I mean, why wouldn’t I enjoy that? One of the most important things to me in my work is the fans. I know that without their support, I wouldn’t have any of this. It might sound cheesy but it is so true.

Oh, and another great thing about nerds? Their artistic abilities and witty senses of humor. Seriously. My fans are really funny, clever and sarcastic. And often times they show it with their fan art—artistic tributes to my spazzy, superfun and, yes, nerdy existence. I’ve been lucky enough to accumulate a nice collection to share with you. So please enjoy a few examples of these marvelous creations.

Fork That!
, by Laura Babcock | Rarely, if ever, have we seen such a perfect rendering of om nom nom.

Devil Girl
, by Isaac Richardson III | A throroughly meta examination of what it means to be human in the 21st century in super hot jeans.

Excuse Me!
, by Andy “Savory” Wilson | An exquisite study in realism.

Freckles
, by Chris Nelson | Haunting use of negative space.

Munnyuns
, by Kris Ayres | This is a poingant comment on hyper commercialism and of, oh fuck it…Funions! Yum!

Munn Hope
, by Josh Wilson | An interesting statement on presidential campaign art. And Wonder Woman.

Snack Time
, by CRXTHRASHER | Mmmmmm, pie.

Unwound
, by Emil Agarunov | An interesting statement on outmoded technologies. And hot cleavage.

Red Hot Pooper
, by Andre Walker | Excellently captures the subject in her natural habitat.

Still Life with Top Hat and Giant Bunny
, by Jeremy Natividad | A surrealist masterpiece. Plus: bunnies are cute.