Suck It, Wonder Woman!: The Misadventures of a Hollywood Geek (7 page)

I’ve never been into
stimulants. I’ve never smoked weed or done mushrooms or Ecstasy or any drug that wasn’t prescribed by a doctor. Never even smoked a cigarette. I drink from time to time, but not that much. Not because I’m a saint or conservative or think there’s anything wrong with doing recreational drugs (as long as you don’t hurt anyone). I just have never had any desire to do them. And also, aside from it never smelling or looking good, I don’t like the way I feel when I’m drunk and not in total control of myself. Because when I’m not in control, something like this next story is inevitably going to happen.

A couple of years ago I was at a destination wedding in Mexico and I had about six or seven tequila shots. I had just recently learned how to properly drink tequila shots. The trick is to never taste it. To begin with, you have to drink Patrón Silver because it’s the cleanest and doesn’t have that thick tequila taste. And after every shot, you chase it with pineapple juice. The juice is so acidic and strong, it instantly kills the taste of tequila. And that’s why someone like me, who never drinks, can do six or seven shots in one sitting. (You’re welcome for that tip, by the way. Just be careful!) Tequila is great as long as you don’t know you are drinking tequila.

At some point later in the night, sometime after my seven shots, so hard to know exactly when, the bride grabs my hand and takes me up to her hotel suite. She reaches into her bag and hands me a little white pill.

“Here, take this,” she says, as she downs hers. “It’s a Soma. Muscle relaxer.”

I’m already wasted, of course, and so I think that a Soma sounds like a great idea. Within minutes we decide we need to get everyone, including the mother of the groom, in the ocean naked. Obviously. Naked Wedding Ocean Party!!!!

We run downstairs and corral the whole wedding party out to the beach. It’s Mexico, so the water was as warm as a bath—no excuse not to go in. I watched as everyone stripped down to nothing. Now, by the grace of God, I somehow did not get naked. I remember thinking that if I did, my then-boyfriend would be so angry with me. Especially since there were men around that I didn’t know. So I ran into the ocean fully dressed.

A Fun Fact about muscle relaxers? They relax
the hell
out of your muscles. Yeah. I guess when you’re drunk and taking pills from a bride’s purse, you don’t really think about what that means. Now apparently it can be very dangerous to take a muscle relaxer. People have been known to break bones while using a relaxer because their muscles can’t support them or something. So think about that. Now think about me, seven shots of tequila in my body
and
I’m on a muscle relaxer
and
I’m swimming in an ocean at night. Fully dressed. So I start to do what anyone in those circumstances would do: I start to drown.

I’m flailing around, not able to control my arms or legs and laughing hysterically with every gulp of ocean water I accidentally swallow. Thankfully my boyfriend is watching all this unfold and he jumps into the ocean to save me. I remember hearing him scream my name and seeing him come for me. And then I remember thinking we had started a game of “Marco, Polo” and so I begin swimming away from him, deeper into the ocean. I get to a point where I am literally beginning to drown. I can’t stay afloat. Just then I feel an arm come around me to pull me back to shore. When we get back to the beach, I’m gasping for air and lying in the sand. We’re both coughing up ocean water. As my boyfriend lies there in shock over how close I was to drowning, I bounce up and follow the maid of honor, who screams for me to come take a shower. You heard that right. The maid of honor screams for me to take a shower. With her. (Note: You are about to be fully rewarded for buying this book.)

I leave my boyfriend on the beach, pretty oblivious to how stupid I was being and how I put both of our lives at risk, and run up the stairs to the nearest room. I strip down and the maid of honor and I jump into the shower and warm up under the single showerhead. Now, I don’t know who initiated what or how it started, but next thing I know, I’m kissing her in the shower…with the water falling on top of us. I know! I had never, ever, ever kissed a girl or even come close to that. This was my first brush with a lesbian experience ever. Need a minute? Okay, I’ll continue.

We’re in the shower kissing and making out. At one point I put my hands on her chest to feel her breasts. She was a gorgeous girl with a great body, but she was really flat-chested. Which actually might have worked out in my favor. I started to feel her up and thought to myself as I touched her breasts, “Oh…she’s like a boy.” Not in a bad way at all, because remember she was a gorgeous girl. Just that she had very small breasts. And since I’m not a lesbian (and I’m pretty sure she isn’t either) in that moment it was kind of comforting to find something familiar in this very not-familiar situation.

I’m sorry to have to tell you that my first lesbian foray ended quickly after we knocked over a champagne bottle that was sitting on a shelf in the shower, brought in, I’m assuming, for Olivia’s First Gay Night of Fun. After it shattered all over the shower floor, we had to leave. How we were able to do that without cutting our feet wide open? I can only guess that it was the power of same-sex love that carried me over the broken shards of glass.

The last thing I remember is pulling out shorts and a T-shirt for her to wear and saying good night. I don’t remember falling asleep or changing into pajamas or anything. My boyfriend said he came in the room right after our shower (oh too slow, sorry!) and helped me into bed. But for some reason, and maybe it was just a dream, I remember things a little differently. But since I’ll never know for sure, let me leave it for you all to decide.

What do you think happened after I made out with the maid of honor, broke a champagne bottle and gave her some dry clothes to wear?

I:

Fell asleep

Went to her room to finish what we started

Had an orgy with her husband and my boyfriend

Went back to the ocean and almost drowned again

Maybe one day I’ll tell everyone what I think really happened. Maybe I’ll put it in the next book. To be continued….

How many of you
have had a crush on a teacher? I mean, remember that Physics professor? Law One is so steamy, I’m getting worked up just thinking about it: Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it.
Mee-yow
. Okay…maybe that was just something I experienced.

But just in case you’ve gone through the same infatuation I have, I’ve come up with a list of lines you can use on your, um, object of desire—whether they instruct in history, math, English or a foreign language like the language of love! Memorize these can’t-miss lines and you’ll be on the dean’s list for doing it in no time.