Suicide Note (24 page)
The soldiers stepped back into position with their guns held across their chests.
“Ready.” The guns loudly clicked the next round into the chamber as the crowd of onlookers watched silently.
“Aim.” I took another deep breath, preparing for the onslaught of memories to rush through my mind again.
“Fire.”
“He’s not breathing! Owens wake up!” I grabbed Ryan by the vest and pulled him along the dusty path out of harm’s way as my muscles burned and ached.
“Ready.”
“Aim.”
“Fire.”
“Taps” filled my ears, the song of a lost soldier. I was thankful that the music was a distraction from my memories. I needed to keep it together long enough for the folding of the flag.
Jenn
August 19, 2010, 6:15 p.m.
I stepped forward onto the ledge below the railing and sunk down until I was sitting with my knees against my chest. I wrapped my arms around myself as I tried desperately to push my fears aside.
I believed Shane when he told me he loved me. That made everything so much harder. From all of my sadness and heartache, I had met this stranger who took the time to make me feel cared for and now that was crumbling around me.
Chelsea was just another Gail, another person who only thought of themselves and was completely oblivious to the lives they shattered around them. But I couldn’t compare Thomas and Shane. They were polar opposites. Thomas had always said the things he thought I wanted to hear, but Shane
showed
me his love. That made this entire situation that much more heartbreaking. I wanted to run and retreat within myself like I always had when someone hurt me, but this time it was different. I wanted the pain to stop, but I wanted Shane more. I wanted to fight for the man who saw something in me when I felt like nothing.
Knowing Shane was in America right now and I couldn’t run to him was killing me. I knew he was hurting and I was who he wanted to take away all of his fears, not her. It was never her, no matter what she says to me. The brief time we had together played over in my head like a broken record. He was hurt, damaged, when I met him, and she was the cause of his pain.
Trust was all we had in this type of relationship, but it was hard to trust someone who kept themselves so guarded.
Shane
August 19, 2010, 6:26 p.m.
I stood at the head of the flag-draped coffin as the three soldiers on either side waited for their commands from Sgt. Gallery. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the three shell casings, squeezing them and letting them dig into the flesh of my palm.
“Ready, down,” Sgt. Gallery said as all the men made eye contact and bent down to grip the edge of the flag. “Ready, step.” They stood and pulled the flag tight, stretching it flat above the casket. “Ready, fold.” Their hands met over the casket. My eyes went unfocused in the blistering heat of the sun. I wanted more than anything to be in North Carolina. I needed to hear Jenn’s laugh and believe everything was right with the world.
I wondered what it would be like for her to have to sit alongside my casket. I wasn’t sure I would be able to keep my promise to come home to her. Now, nothing seemed possible and the idea of her having to bury me was excruciating. Chelsea wasn’t weak for leaving me. It was self-preservation and no matter how much I hated what she did, she did the right thing to protect herself.
Gallery tucked the last sliver of flag into the triangle. He cradled it against his chest in his arms, pointing up as he made a half-right face. I followed suit making a half-left face so we were facing each other. As I watched the flag lower in his hands, I realized that the hardest part had yet to come. I would have to look Owens’s mother in the eye and not break down. I inspected the perfect corner of the flag and slipped one of the shell casings inside the fabric. Gallery turned the flag in his hands, and I repeat the process on the remaining corners, while my mind raced as I struggled to remember the words I had to say. As Gallery raised the flag to his chest, I saluted it saying good-bye to my friend. We both lowered our arms, and I took possession of the flag, the memory of my battle buddy. My heart was thudding in my chest as I approached Ryan’s mother. I only wanted to tell her how sorry I was, how it should have been me. I kneeled down before her as the tears poured from her sad gray eyes.
“This flag is presented on behalf of a grateful nation and the United States Army as a token of appreciation for your loved one’s honorable and faithful service.”
Jenn
August 19, 2010, 7:02 p.m.
My phone vibrated in my pocket and I tried to ignore it, tried to ignore the world around me as I struggled to clear my thoughts. As I pulled it out and glanced down at the screen, a sad smile spread across my face. It was a Texas number and even though Shane couldn’t be with me, he was still there for me when I needed him.
“Hello?” I answered as I sniffled.
“I love you,” he sighed into the receiver.
“I need you right now.”
“I need you too, sunshine.” I could hear the pain in his voice and I knew whatever was worrying me was nothing compared to what Shane was going through.
“Why do you call me that?” I asked for what felt like the millionth time.
“You were the light when my entire world was dark. You gave me a reason to keep going when all I wanted to do was give up.”
“I love you so much, Shane.” I rubbed over my stomach as I looked out over the dark, murky water below.
“It will get easier. I know it doesn’t seem that way, but it will.”
I nodded to myself.
“How was the funeral?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I’m here for you, Shane. You don’t have to do this alone.”
“Yeah…I do.”
Shane
August 23, 2010, 2:00 a.m.
“Hey…” Jenn yawned as she answered the phone.
“Did I wake you?” I tapped my fingers on the phone. I haven’t been able to sleep since I left Texas.
“Yeah, but it’s okay. I am hungry anyway.”
I laughed as I tried to picture her with her round belly. She had sent my pictures through e-mail, but none of it seemed real. With the lack of sleep, I was starting to wonder if Jenn was just a figment of my imagination. She was too good to be true, so much more than I deserved.
“I can’t believe they even sent you back just to turn around and leave again.”
I hung my head. I made sure I got sent back. I didn’t want to fall of the horse and let the fear set in. I needed to come back and see this deployment through. I owed it to everyone here. Jenn wouldn’t understand that.
“It’s only a few more days,” she said, and I could tell she was smiling. I hated that I was scared to leave. I was scared to face the real world again. I didn’t want to screw things up with Jenn, but I wasn’t sure I could be the person she needed me to be.
“Have you been taking your vitamins?”
“Of course. May has been practically shoving them down my throat per your orders.”
I smiled. I knew Jenn hated to swallow the horse-sized pills, but it was what was best for her and our baby.
“Good. I want our boy to be strong and healthy.”
“Our boy needs a name.” I could hear her rummaging through the cupboards to find something to eat.
“One step at a time.” I ran my hand over my forehead. A name would make all of this too real. What if something happened? What if we lost him?
“Shane, he is going to be here in a few months. It would be nice to be able to get him some personalized things.”
“We will. I’ll let you get back to sleep. You need your rest.”
“I love you, Shane.”
“I love you too, sunshine.”
Jenn
August 23, 2010, 2:24 a.m.
There was no way I was going to be able to fall back asleep after talking to Shane. I wished I could make him feel better and focus on the future instead of dwelling on what had happened to him. But there was nothing I could do from here. I would just have to wait it out until I could hold him in my arms again. The idea of Shane and I being together again made me excited and terrified at the same time.
What if his feelings for me had changed? We had spent so little time together in the past. What if he got to know me and realized I wasn’t what he wanted?
I threw my arm over my face and groaned as I continued to worry myself to death. My fears manifested in my dreams and I tossed and turned the rest of the night as visions of Shane returning and wanting nothing to do with me danced in my head.
I still hadn’t told him I had talked to Chelsea. I didn’t want to upset him or make him worry, but it was killing me inside to keep it from him. Once he was home safe and in my arms, maybe then I would find the courage. I knew in my heart Shane wasn’t the kind of man to cheat and break hearts, but it is hard not to worry when someone has done that to you in the past.
“Hey, sweetheart!” I held up my finger to May to let her know I would be a minute. We were just heading out the door to do some school shopping for the boys.
“Hey,” Shane sighed. He sounded exhausted.
“I haven’t heard from you in days. Is everything okay?” I asked, knowing he wouldn’t open up to me.
“I’m fine. Just busy. Getting ready to come home.”
“I can’t wait to see you.” I stretched my back as I groaned.
“It’s not safe for you to make that trip on your own.”
“I’ll be fine. I drive all the time now and I have already made the trip once with you.”
“Jenn, if something happened to you or the baby—”
“I know, Shane. I get it. We will be together soon.”
“I have to go. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” The line went dead and I frowned as I slid my phone back into my pocket.
“Was that Shane?” May asked as she gathered her red hair in her hands and pulled it back into a ponytail.
“Yeah. He’s still so distant and now he worries if I stub my toe.”
“He’s just worried about you. Give him some time. He is still dealing with losing his friend, and this parenting thing is new to him. He’s only ever had to take care of himself.”
“I don’t need him to take care of me.” I rolled my eyes as I grabbed my purse and slung it over my shoulder.
“Don’t tell him that. Are you still planning on going to surprise him?” She laughed as she pulled open the front door and stepped back so I could walk through.
“Yup.” I smirked as I walked through the door.
“I am fine, May. I am making great time.” I talked aloud over the car’s Bluetooth system.
“Are you eating?” May asked. I pulled my hand from the bag of chips on the passenger seat.
“When am I ever not eating?” I laughed as I cruised down the highway.
“I wish we could have come with you. The boys wanted me to pull them out of school.”
“We will be coming back to North Carolina soon. Don’t worry.”
“Jake wants me to let you know your job will be waiting for you.”
“Good. But I plan to take
his
job.”
“Oh, I will certainly let him know you said that.” She laughed. “Call me in a few hours so I know you are still all right.”
“You know I will. Bye.” I ended the call and cranked back up the radio as I sang along. I needed to keep my mind off where I was going. I had waited for the day to come that I would see Shane again and now I was terrified. I had changed a lot since he had last seen me. I glanced down at my protruding stomach, making a face. I couldn’t even squeeze into my jeans. What if he took one look at me and was repulsed? What if I wasn’t the only one waiting to welcome him home?
September was a fitting day for us to come home from war. My heart was racing and I was more terrified to face the real world than I had been to leave and risk my life. I knew I had been distant from Jenn, but I knew that would change once I could get to Maine. I wanted her to be there to welcome me home more than anything, but I couldn’t risk something happening to her or our baby. We had made it this long and a few more weeks wouldn’t kill us.
The bus pulled into the parking lot of the old gym, and the world stood still as we parked. I knew the room would be filled with all of the families and friends of all of the soldiers. I didn’t want the welcome home that we knew was planned. Not all of us came back, and it all just didn’t seem fair.
As I stepped off the bus and my boots hit the gravel, I felt an overwhelming wave of relief wash over me. I didn’t expect to make it back, some days I hoped I wouldn’t. I didn’t deserve to, but there were other plans for my life. Plans I haven’t been let in on by fate.
As we filed into the large room, “American Soldier” blared through the speaker system, echoing off the walls. The crowd that lined the bleachers erupted into cheers and applause. It was incredibly hard for everyone not to run to the families they hadn’t seen for months. Instead we got into formation and waited for the welcome home speech that we knew would last entirely too long.
I scanned the crowd, but it was nearly impossible to tell one person from the next in the sea of bodies. Some held up homemade signs or waved American flags. All I could think about was Owens’s family. He wouldn’t have this moment.
I didn’t hear any of the speech. All I could do was map the exits just in case something happened. I knew the threat of attack was minimal in our country, but I couldn’t stop being a soldier just because of my geographical location.
Before I knew it, everyone was cheering and the crowd was rushing toward us in every direction. My heart sunk into the pit of my stomach as I watched crying, happy families reunite around me.
I felt a tiny tap on my shoulder. I took a deep, shaky breath and turned around, hoping I didn’t break down in front of a complete stranger.