Suicide Note (3 page)
I know you think I am selfish and I just don’t understand, but I do. It takes an incredibly strong woman to be a soldier’s wife. I’m not that strong. I love you, Shane. You deserve better.
Love Always,
Chelsea
I hadn’t talked to her since New Year’s, and Chelsea had never mentioned anything about wanting to leave me. I angrily shoved the letter back into the envelope and crumbled it in my fist before I let it tumble out of my hands to the floor below. I had tried with everything I had inside of me to be the man my aunt raised me to be. I tried to be strong but my heart had been shattered as a little boy when my mother died and I had never been able to find all of the pieces. I had given Chelsea half my heart and it wasn’t enough. I should have refused to reenlist. She begged me not to, but I was not ready to live in the real world, to be a normal citizen.
“That what I think it is?” Owens held two mugs of beer in his hands. I just nodded and stared off toward the television. “You’re better off.”
I glared at Owens, who plopped down next to me on the vinyl couch and held out a beer.
“Think about it.” Owens took a long sip from his beer and wiped the foam from his lip with his free hand. “Could you imagine finding out when you got home? I heard of a guy who came home for mid-tour leave and found his wife in bed with some stripper.”
“Doesn’t sound so bad.” I raised my eyebrow and took a drink, trying my best not to let the pain show, but Owens knew. He was my best friend and my battle buddy.
“A male stripper,” he laughed. “It could always be worse.”
“All you do is sit around and gossip like a bunch of housewives.”
“It’s true. Happened to a gun bunny from bravo.”
I rolled my eyes and took another drink.
“What’s that one?” Owens eyed the unopened envelope in my lap.
“From my cousin.”
“Is she hot?”
“
He
is married.”
Jenn
March 13, 2010, Saturday Afternoon
I was startled at the sound of the doorbell. Slowly lifting my head, I peeled off the piece of paper that stuck to my cheek.
“Just a minute!” I called out as I jumped from my seat and tried quickly to organize the mess on my desk that sat in the corner of my cramped living room. The bell rang again and I took off down the hall, pulling the hair tie from my hair and fluffing my brown locks to make myself look more presentable.
I pulled open the door to see my father standing on the other side, a scowl on his face as he slowly unwound his scarf from his neck and pulled it from the collar of his coat. He walked past me, and I stepped back making sure his boots didn’t catch my toes.
“What brings you down to this side of town, Dad?” I closed the door behind him and turned the lock. He stopped as he reached the kitchen and turned to face me.
“Your mother has been calling you for a week.”
“I’ve been really busy at work.”
He held up his hand, stopping me from finishing with my excuse.
“You missed your sister’s bridal shower. There is no excuse. Family comes first, Jennifer. Do I need to remind you of all your sister has done for you?”
“No. Of course not. I am reminded by her constantly. It’s impossible to forget.”
“Are you sassing me? Your sister has gone out of her way to make sure you had a roof over your head while you were out chasing down a silly dream.”
“It’s not like I don’t want a husband and a family, Dad. You of all people know how important a career is.” I didn’t remind him that I had found the man I wanted to spend my life with, but he also found my sister, Gail. I should have known then why she was so eager to get my things out of Thomas’s townhouse.
“Don’t you turn this around on me. I had to provide for my family and if you would make yourself presentable, you may already have had a husband and wouldn’t need to work so damn hard.”
I tugged at the bottom of my stained shirt and smoothed over the wrinkles with my fingers.
“Get dressed. Your mother has someone she wants you to meet.”
“I have a lot of work to do.”
He held up his hand again.
“Do you have any idea how much convincing it took to get this guy to agree to meet you? You stood him up twice.”
“I didn’t stand anyone up. I didn’t know I had a date. Why not save us all time and take him over to Gail’s?”
“If you answered your phone, you would have.” He wrapped his scarf back around his neck and headed for the front door. “Three o’clock at Figaro’s. Don’t disappoint us again.” With that, he left, slamming the door behind him.
“We are never getting out of this place,” Owens whined as he took a sip from his beer.
“Good. I’d rather be here than cleaning my stuff out of my house.”
“Why are you letting her take your place, man? He’s a doctor. Can’t he afford a place to live?”
“Dentist, and it doesn’t matter. I don’t want to live there anymore. I’ll put my stuff in storage and get a room in the barracks.” It wouldn’t be a home anymore anyway. It would just be a house full of memories I want to forget.
“Have you called her?”
“Nope.” My eyes went to the line of phones on the right-hand wall. “Nothing to say.”
“You really want to show up while that douche is in your house?”
“No. I don’t.”
“Come on,” Owens chugged what was left in his beer mug and belched, “I’ll even hold your beer for you.”
I stood and cracked my neck before taking a long sip from my beer, contemplating what I would say to Chelsea. I held out the mug for Owens and made my way to the row of phones. I quickly dialed the number before I changed my mind.
“Hello?” A man answered and my hand reflexively balled into a fist. The knuckles of my hand that gripped the phone turned bone-white as I struggled to contain my composure.
“Put Chelsea on the phone,” I demanded through clenched teeth. The receiver made a sound as it was set down, and I could hear muffled voices in the background. I glanced back at Owens who stared back at me expectantly.
“Shane, how are you?”
“I need to come get my stuff.”
“Where are you?”
“I’ll be home in a few days. We got stuck in Germany longer than we expected.” My eyes glanced around at the other soldiers smiling and calling home to their wives and mothers.
“Well,” she cleared her throat, “no need to rush. I’ve boxed up everything and got a storage unit just outside the main gate. It’s paid up until the end of your tour.”
I laid my head against the phone as I struggled to maintain my breathing.
“What about Roxy? You shove her in a damn box too?” I at least wanted to see my golden retriever before I went back. She was getting up there in age, and I was sure she wouldn’t survive through the entire deployment.
“You know I love Roxy. This is her home.”
I shook my head, feeling like my whole world was crashing down around me. This man came in and took my girl, my home, and now my dog.
“It was
my
home too. You can’t do this.
Please
don’t do this.”
“I’m sorry, Shane. I have to go.”
The line went dead and I slammed the receiver of the phone down several times before sinking down and burying my face in my hands. My back jerked as I silently gave into the sadness and loss that I had kept inside for weeks.
Jenn
March 13, 2010, Saturday, 3:00 p.m.
I stood in front of the mirror for the tenth time staring at my baby-blue dress that gathered below my chest and flowed freely out to just above my knee. I couldn’t help but think how much better it would have looked on my sister.
I was already late for the date I had no desire to go on. I grabbed my coat, ran down the flight of steps to the ground floor of my apartment, and took off down Main Street toward the restaurant. It was only two blocks away and I was certain my father had chosen it so I had no excuse not to make it.
My flats clacked against the sidewalk as I hurried past the window shoppers and into the front door of the restaurant. Pulling off my pea coat, I struggled to even my breath, suddenly realizing I had no idea
who
I was meeting.
“I’m meeting someone.” I furrowed my brow as I stared at the host who looked mildly amused.
“Right this way, ma’am.” He turned and made his way through the maze of tables, topped with crisp, white cloths and battery-powered candles. The walls were a deep mahogany that shined against the dim lighting.
A gentleman pushed back his chair and stood with his hand outstretched. My heart rate picked up and I had to mentally count back from twenty as I begged my anxiety to stay at bay.
Shane
March 12, 2010, Friday, Somewhere in the Sky
“This trip is never going to end.” Owens hit the call button above his head for the flight attendant.
“Good.” I stretched my legs out as much as I could. My nearly six-foot frame was not made for commercial airlines.
“You need to get out of this funk, man. A little
strange
will do you some good.”
“Whatever.” I couldn’t even imagine being with another woman. Not because I was so hung up on my love for Chelsea, but because I wasn’t sure I could trust anyone else.
“I’m serious. What are you gonna do? Go back and declare your love for her? Beat your hands on your chest like a damn caveman? They will strip your rank before you can dip your toes back in the sand.”
“I’m not going to do anything. I’m not gonna fight for a girl who doesn’t want me.”
“Can I help you?” The flight attendant smiled as she leaned in over me.
“You got any of those little peanuts?”
She smiled and stood back up, running her hands over her uniform.
“I’ll see what I can find.”
“Thanks, doll.” Owens winked at her, causing her to blush as she made her was back down the cramped isle.
“So what
are
you going to do?”
I shrugged as I interlocked my fingers behind my head.
“Sleep.”
I closed my eyes and hoped that I could get a few hours of shuteye before my mind began to race with memories of war, or of Chelsea. Even the good memories caused my heart to ache and I wished I could just forget that chapter in my life.
As sleep began to take over, I dreamed of my childhood and the other woman in my life I had lost.
“I want to go, too!” I cried out as my aunt picked me up and quickly took me from the living room to the kitchen. My eyes stayed fixed on my mother lying on the couch. She was breathing heavy, labored breaths with a small trail of blood running from the corner of her lip. Her eyes fixed on nothing. My aunt sat me down at a chair at the table and squatted down to my eye level.
“Mommy is very sick right now. We can’t all ride in the ambulance with her or the doctor’s won’t have room to make her all better. Do you understand?” She squeezed my hands painfully tight as tears formed in her eyes. My throat closed and I was unable to speak, to cry out that I wouldn’t leave her.
“Janet!” my uncle screamed from the living room as the medics came through the front door and past us.
At six years old, my entire world was crumbling around me. My mother and I had been on our own since I could remember.
“Has she taken anything?” One of the men asked as my aunt sobbed loudly. They surrounded my mother’s body, and I craned my neck, struggling to catch a glimpse of her.
“Pills. I don’t know what they are. She has migraines, and she has been sick for a while,” she answered, her words coming out rushed.
“I’m gonna take you over to play with Jakey. That sound fun?” Uncle Joe smiled weakly, running his hand over his scruffy brown beard as he drew my attention back to him.
I didn’t know it at that moment, but that was the last time I would see my mother alive. My cousin Jake soon became my brother and my aunt my mother. But I never forgot about my real mom. I was supposed to protect her and be the man my father never was for her and I had failed. I carried that burden with me since the first grade.
Jenn
March 13, 2010, Saturday, 3:32 p.m.
“I’m so sorry I’m late.”
The man at the table stood and held out his hand to me.
“Not a problem.” He shook my hand as his other one rested on the buttons of his suit jacket. His hand was soft, not a man used to getting his hands dirty for a living.
I took a seat across from him and waited for him to settle into his seat again. The waiter immediately poured me a glass of water in a wine goblet.
“Thank you.” I cleared my throat and picked up the glass to take a sip.
“You look nothing like your sister.”
A blush crept over my face, embarrassed as I set my glass back down on the table and cleared my throat.
“It’s the hair color.” I pictured my sister’s long, sweeping blonde hair and large blue eyes.
“I like the dark hair. It suits you.” He smiled. His hair was dark brown peppered with gray. He looked to be at least fifteen years older than me, which made me uncomfortable. It was like being on a date with my father.
“My name is Eusse Waters. I’m not sure what your mother told you about me.”
“Jenn, and nothing really.”
“A little mystery isn’t a bad thing.” He smiled again and I relaxed a little, letting my shoulders sag as the waiter held out our menus. He was far from my type, but a nice meal with some new company wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
He waved them away and began to speak. “We will both have the filet mignon and lobster tail. Medium-well with a house salad, please. No dressing.” His eyes went to mine. “So many useless calories in dressing and it takes away all the flavor of the vegetables, wouldn’t you agree?”
I glanced up at the waiter and let my eyes fall to the table as I slowly nodded. He had more in common with my father than age. This was going to be a long night and I hoped the wine would flow freely.