Summer Boys (14 page)

Ella dragged to a stop when she approached Peter’s car, her fingers linked through his. The wet walk back from the beach had taken just a few minutes, but it felt like they had just finished a marathon. A lot had changed back on the dunes. She pulled off his baseball cap, which she’d snatched along the way, and handed it to him. “So, I guess I should probably walk home.”

She half expected Peter to protest. Fat, juicy raindrops were still showering them. The air was biting at Ella’s sensitive skin.

“Cool,” Peter said. He pulled her close so that she was sandwiching him against his car.

“I had a good time,” Ella said lamely. She wanted to kick herself for saying something like that because it felt flip. If anything, what just happened with Peter was one of the most incredible moments of her life. She’d had sex before. But never with a guy like that. And never in the pouring rain. “Well,”she said, “do you want to hang out tomorrow?”

“I don’t know. I’ve got some stuff to do. But I’ll call you.”
Peter’s hair was plastered against the edges of his face in little wet triangles. He wrapped one arm around her neck and pulled her tight to his lips as they kissed, then pulled back and let go.

Ella tried to quell the rising panic in her belly. “Maybe you shouldn’t call me, because of Kelsi.” She put her fingertips on the waist of his shorts. “Maybe I should just call you.” Ella thought about Kelsi at home, curled up in bed. Maybe they should talk about
that.

“Cool.” Shrugging, and then pulling his door open, Peter moved her backward with his right hand, then ducked inside the car.

Ella searched her head for the perfect thing to say, something that Peter would really remember her by. She kept hold of the door handle, staring at him. Maybe she was waiting to feel different. You were supposed to, right?

“I’ll see you later.” Peter pulled on the door from the inside, yanking the handle out of her grasp. He flashed her his gorgeous smile through the rain-streaked window, and then the car lurched into motion.

Ella stood still long enough to watch it disappear around the corner. She absentmindedly shoved her bangs back so that they were glued on either side of her forehead, away from her eyes. Then her mind started to trouble her.

Kelsi.

Ella couldn’t help but feel like she’d just robbed her sister of something really wonderful. But at the same time, she also felt like she’d lost something very important. Her body felt empty and yet full all at once. It was like nothing she ever experienced before.

She pointed her feet in the direction of home and started
walking. She passed the backside of the Pebble Beach clubhouse, right by the pool enclosure. She’d learned to dive at that pool. The feeling she remembered from that day suddenly was far more exhilarating than what she felt now. Now, she felt more like…what was it? Words couldn’t really describe the mix of emotions. But for some reason, the image of emptying an ashtray kept coming to mind. What was that supposed to mean?

Ella turned up on Oceanview Drive. She wished she’d asked Peter for a ride after all, at least to the edge of the dirt road. She had a severe case of the chills. The lights of the houses farther inland were all surrounded by hazy, foggy glows—making deceptively warm-looking halos around themselves. Ella crossed her arms tighter across her chest as she walked. She couldn’t wait to get under her covers. She’d pull them over her head and try not to face Kelsi in the morning. She didn’t know if she could.

She took a right onto the dirt road. All of the cottages were already dark. What time was it? Eleven? Twelve?

On the front stoop, she stepped out of her flip-flops and rubbed her feet on the wiry mat, then turned the knob. It didn’t give. She tried it again to confirm that it was locked. Ella then headed around to the back deck.

She felt a slight tinge of annoyance with her dad for locking the door. What was he worried about, anyway—that they were going to get robbed by seagulls? She reached the stairs of the deck and began to tiptoe. She didn’t think she was that late, but she slowed her breathing so she could make her entrance as silently as possible. She reached for the handle of the sliding glass door, her lips tightly closed, and listened to the stillness of the house.

“El.”

Ella thought she’d imagined it at first, until her eyes caught the movement of a shape over at the deck table, under the giant green umbrella.

“Kelsi?”

At first it looked as if Kelsi was still in her pajamas, but as Ella got closer, she realized it was a white pullover and sweatpants. The clothes looked damp. A ball of fire lodged itself in Ella’s throat. She stopped getting closer and prepared herself for the worst.

“Can you sit with me for a second?” Kelsi asked quietly.

Ella glanced at the door to the house. Once inside, she could hole up in the bathroom and take a bath.

“Ella, please.”

Obediently, Ella ducked under the umbrella and sank against the plastic seat. The rain hitting the vinyl made a shrill sound that was almost deafening. Kelsi clasped her hands on the table and inclined her head, almost like she was listening for some melody in the rhythm of the drops.

“Why are you all wet?” It was all that Ella could bring herself to say.

“I decided to go to the bonfire.” Kelsi paused and Ella’s body began to go numb. Her legs felt like they were floating away.
Come back, you cowards!
she thought. She might need them to sprint at a moment’s notice. “I didn’t want to miss it just because…”

When she lifted her eyes to Ella, it was clear that she’d been crying. Hot knives seemed to stab Ella’s skin. Did she know? If she did, how could Ella ever ask for forgiveness? Ella looked
down at her hands so that she didn’t have to make eye contact with Kelsi.

“I went down there and, you know, I drove because it looked like it was going to rain. And Peter’s car was in the parking lot. Did he come to the bonfire?”

Ella decided to say no. But then, Beth had seen him. And Ella had a long history of lying: to her dad about dates back when she wasn’t allowed to go on them, to her teachers about homework. She knew the best lies were the ones that were as close to the truth as possible. “Yeah,” she admitted. “He came and had a beer and walked off.”

“Really?” Kelsi said. “Because he wasn’t around when I got there. Everybody was gone. Where’d you all run off to?” Kelsi looked at Ella intently as she waited for the answer.

Ella fidgeted. “Um, I had to go to the bathroom so I left. I don’t know what happened with everyone else.”

Kelsi took a long breath. Ella waited, paralyzed at the thought of her sister finding out what she had done.

“Well, I got back in my car and waited in the parking lot, just to see him come back, but he didn’t for the longest time.” Kelsi said, swallowing hard.

Ella nodded as if she had lost her voice.

“And then there he was.” Kelsi rubbed one hand hard against her right cheek. Ella felt like she was going to pass out. “He and this girl, walking back up the beach. They were holding hands and everything. It was dark and rainy and they were really far away, but I know it was him. He was wearing this T-shirt I bought him at Abercrombie. I should have known. He’s such a jerk.”

Ella’s hand, the one that had been holding Peter’s earlier, snaked out and covered Kelsi’s clasped fingers. She desperately wanted to hold on to her sister and make everything okay. Her heart was beating so hard, it could possibly crack a rib. Kelsi pulled her hand away and shook her head.

“I knew it, anyway.” She rolled her eyes. “He was probably cheating on me the whole time. But you know what? It wasn’t even worth confronting him. I just peeled out of there.”

“Oh, Kelsi.” Ella’s arms felt too trembly and weak to wrap around Kelsi, despite the genuine pity she felt for her sister.

“You always thought he was an asshole, didn’t you?” Kelsi asked, sniffling a little.

Ella nodded automatically, agreeing by default.

“I could tell you did.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes.

Then Ella started to get antsy. She didn’t dare ask, but she had to know exactly what her sister had seen. “Did you, um…” She cleared her throat. “What about the girl?”

Kelsi looked at her long and hard, then shrugged. “Who knows? Some random girl. One of many, I guess.”

Ella finally found the strength to reach around her sister and pull her into a hug. She tried to think about what Kelsi might need to hear and mentally put herself in her sister’s shoes.

“Don’t feel bad, Kelsi. I mean, none of this is about you. Don’t let him make you feel bad about yourself.” That was how Ella would feel if some guy cheated on her. She’d feel like she wasn’t as irresistible as she’d thought, and that would make her crazy.

Kelsi swiped at her eyes and blinked at Ella.

“I know. I don’t feel bad about
myself.
I just feel bad that it didn’t work out.” She rubbed at her face with both hands now. “I was silly to think it might have been something more. I wonder if he loves that other girl.”

Ella wondered, too. She wondered if she and Peter loved
each other.

She didn’t know. Was love supposed to feel like emptying an ashtray?

For a long time after they were in bed and the lights were out, Ella could hear that Kelsi was still awake. She tried to make her own breathing even, so that she could relax and finally get some sleep. It was hard, though, because of the feelings swirling around inside her. She didn’t feel pretty or sexy or confident or triumphant. In fact, she felt hollow, as if someone had carved her like a pumpkin.

“El?” Kelsi’s voice was low and unsure.

Ella thought about not answering. “Yeah.”

“Where were you? I mean, you said went to the bathroom, but you weren’t here when I got home.”

“Oh,” Ella croaked. She suddenly felt incredibly queasy. She cast about frantically for a story. “I went back to the bonfire afterward. But everyone was gone. So I…went for a walk.”

“A walk?”

“Yeah.”

“You hate walking.”

“I like the rain.”

“Oh.” Kelsi was silent for a long time. “I never knew that about you.”

Ella didn’t reply. She waited for Kelsi to say more. But thankfully Kelsi’s breathing tapered off into a slow, steady rhythm.

There were a lot of things Kelsi didn’t know about her, Ella thought. And apparently, there were a lot of things Ella didn’t know about anything.

For instance, she’d always thought that only boys could break your heart. But now she wondered if maybe sisters could, too. Ella felt as if hers might be in a million pieces, scattered all over the dunes.

Dear Ethan,

I don’t know if I’ll ever send this letter, but I feel like I need to write it. The truth is, I have a lot to say to you.

Jamie stuck her pen in her mouth and stared at the paper. She was sitting on the hammock in the backyard. The sea was indigo today, and everything around the peninsula felt soggy. It had rained most of the night.
I have a lot to say
was an easy place to start. But now it got sticky. How did she get everything she was feeling into word form? She needed to explain to Ethan that she didn’t need him anymore. That she was getting over him. She wanted him to know that she was herself again, that she wasn’t the pathetic girl she’d been all summer who’d tried to win him back.

We had some good times.

No, that was stupid and cliché. She crossed it out.

I thought that we meant something to each other.

That was better. It was honest.

I admit, you definitely meant something to me. I guess I’ll always care about you in a certain way. But I want you to know that’s not the way it is anymore.

Jamie’s eyes started to blur. She kept writing as the tears forged a slow path down her cheeks.

I don’t know what I really want from writing this letter. Mostly, what I’d like to do is take back some apologies, a lot of apologies I didn’t even say but felt. I’m not sorry I hooked up with your friend. I’m not sorry for not wanting to be just friends with you. I’m not sorry for missing you, or for thinking we were more than we were. I’m not sorry for acting like somebody else to try to win you back.

I guess I’m not even sorry we had sex, though I guess part of me wishes I’d waited for someone else for my first time.

She could feel her face warming.

But you know, so what? In the future, I plan to be with someone who knows what I’m worth, and who’s a million times better than you. Then what we had and did will just be part of my life’s story. Trust me, it won’t be the biggest part. Not even close.

There were tears on Jamie’s lips when she smiled.

Ethan, I hope you have a nice life. I hope that if I run into you again someday, you will look terrible and I will look amazing. I hope you eat your heart out when it happens. But really, I don’t care either way.

Jamie

A giggly feeling rose up in Jamie’s chest as she read over the letter for a second and third time. It was good. Short, but sweet. Still, it was the kind of thing she could never in a million years bring herself to mail. But that didn’t matter. Writing it was enough of a release, and that was why Jamie loved to write. It always helped her get to the root of her emotions.

At the end of the third read, she added a PS.

By the way, your poems suck.

After reading it for a fourth time, Jamie decided that it was too good to waste. She blew her nose with a tissue and called to her aunt.

“Aunt Claire, I have a letter to mail. Do you have any stamps?”

Aunt Claire was sitting on a recliner on the deck with Jordan in her lap. She was reading him a classic Curious George book. “I don’t know,” she said, as she stood up and led Jamie inside to where her purse was lying on the wooden chest by the door.

“Let’s see.…” Aunt Claire pulled out her wallet and stuck her finger in the change pocket, then pulled out a tiny square of wax paper. “One twenty-cent stamp for postcards,” she said apologetically. “Why don’t you try next door?”

Jamie shrugged. “Nah. I feel like going for a bike ride, anyway. I’ll just go into town.”

She picked up her vintage beach bag and tucked the letter inside, then slung it over her shoulder and headed out the door. The Lemonde was parked against the shed.

Riding over the bumpy dirt road and then out onto the smooth pavement, Jamie felt the wind in her hair and remembered biking with Ethan. She’d been so joyful then. And although she wasn’t feeling too joyful right now, she realized that, regardless of what happened, she was going to be okay. Sure, she wasn’t dizzyingly happy. But okay was good enough for the moment, and eventually, she’d find that happiness in her heart again. It was just going to take some time.

The pavement had dark black patches from being soaked with rain. All around, the houses were dripping from last night’s storm. Jamie thought she should write a poem about it. She started thinking of the verses in her head so she could jot them down when she got home.

Jamie was just reaching for the gleaming glass door of the Pebble Beach post office when she spied someone inside who was about to walk out.
Crap.

She yanked her hand back and looked around for a place to hide. God, it would be humiliating to see him. She hurried down to the corner of the building and ducked into the parking lot, leaning her back against the wall. It was ridiculous, she knew. But there was no way she was moving. She waited at least a minute, then crept to the very edge of the wall and peered around.

“Am I not supposed to see you?”

Scott was standing there, wearing another trademark Hawaiian shirt—this one was yellow with crocodiles scattered all over it. It was so bright, it almost hurt to look directly at it.

Jamie managed to flash him a humble grin. “No, you’re not.” She cleared her throat. “Can you just pretend like you didn’t?” She wanted to be a piece of gum melting into the sidewalk and then latching onto the bottom of someone’s sneaker.

An amused smile crept onto Scott’s face. “No, I don’t think that’s something I can do.”

Jamie sighed and pulled away from the wall. She kicked her shoe into the pavement. “Look, I’m really sorry about everything. Especially the hitting part.”

Scott laughed. “Every girl slaps some guy at some point, right? It’s like a rite of passage.”

Jamie tried to smile but only grimaced. “That’s very nice of you to say. But there was no excuse for what I did. I’m really, really sorry.”

Scott waved his hand dismissively. “Don’t mention it, really. I was kind of drunk myself.”

They both stood there silently for a second.

“Well…” Jamie started moving in a see-you-later gesture.

“What are you doing down here at the post office?”

Jamie bit her lip. “Mailing a letter…um, to Ethan.” She couldn’t believe she had just confided that much to Scott. Was she out of her mind?

“Whoa. That’s awesome. What’d you say? Did you tell him to take a long walk off a short pier or something like that?”

She couldn’t tell him. At least, that was Jamie’s immediate impulse. And then she loosened up a bit. She didn’t know Scott very
well, but she did get the feeling that he was an easygoing person who you could tell just about anything to, and nothing would shock him. “I just kind of told him some immature stuff about how he sucks. It was something I felt like I needed to do.”

Scott nodded solemnly.

“I hope, I mean, is it bad that I told you?”

Scott grinned. “You know, Ethan’s my friend. But his ego’s huge. He needs to be knocked off his pedestal every once in a while. And from what I’ve seen of your combat skills, you’re just the girl to do it.”

For the first time in a long while, Jamie let out a roar of a laugh. Scott had totally caught her off guard with his humor. It was great to feel so comfortable with someone again.

“So may I ask what
you’re
doing here?” she asked, after regaining her composure.

“Just doing errands before work. Nothing special.”

Jamie nodded. She knew he’d told her what kind of work he did, but she’d forgotten yet again. “Well, it was good seeing you,” she said, moving to brush past him and head inside.

“Hey, wait a second.” He put his hand on her arm lightly and hesitated for a moment. “After you mail that letter, wanna hang out for a while? I’ve got some interesting stuff lined up for this afternoon.”

This time, Jamie was the one with the open, easy smile. Suddenly, there was nothing she felt like doing more.