Summoning Light (11 page)

It would be morning now, where he once lived. The sun would be shining through the mist, turning it brilliant white. The smell of the sea would be on the air. The townspeople of Lok would be stirring. Before, it would all have been a part of him, it would have been him. But the lava of Soom no longer flowed through him, its waters no longer soothed him, its life no longer enriched him. Now there was nothing but emptiness.

But his was not the only loss. As he had walked the halls of this place, he had felt sick at heart to see so many of his order now weakened. The mages had elected him to the Circle, had entrusted him with their care and guidance, and they were dying before his eyes. He had failed them. And Kell, their longtime leader, was gone.

Elric discovered that he had received a message some minutes ago; the Circle was meeting immediately. He wiped his face on his sleeve and took a moment to focus inward, to moderate his body temperature, heartbeat, respiration. Then he moved quickly toward the room the message indicated as their meeting place. He would betray no sign of weakness.

As he neared the meeting room, Galen approached him. Elric could see in a moment that he was agitated. His arms were crossed over his chest, his breathing was rapid, and color had risen in his cheeks.

"I must speak with you," Galen said.

Elric slowed but did not stop. "I am required for a meeting of the Circle. We will talk when my duties are completed."

Galen stopped in front of him, blocking his way. "No. I must speak with you now. I think Alwyn is right. We must stay and fight the Shadows. Will you argue his position before the Circle?"

Galen must have spoken with Alwyn, and Alwyn had upset him with talk of fighting in this war. Elric cursed his impetuous friend. Galen had made his decision, at great cost. He should not be forced to revisit it. "I have already made that argument and lost," Elric said.

"But now that the Shadows know where we are–"

"We may alter the particulars of our plan. But the plan has already been put in motion, and we cannot change course now."

"But–"

"I don't have time to debate this with you." Elric was growing hot.

"What harm is there if some of us stay behind to fight?"

"If we don't stand together," Elric said, "we will fall."

"If we don't fight, then what do we stand for?"

"You agreed to go with us. You pledged to follow the dictates of the Circle. Does your word mean nothing?" Elric broke into a sweat. He would not suffer an attack in front of Galen.

Galen fixed him with his brilliant blue eyes. "You're keeping something from us. The Circle has more secrets."

Elric realized that Galen had contrived to listen to his conversation with Alwyn. Galen had violated the trust between mages. It was not like him. He was closer to losing control than Elric had realized.

Elric quickly tried to recall what he and Alwyn had said. "It is part of the Circle's duty to be the guardians of knowledge. Some we share, and some we safeguard, as we see fit."

"How then does Alwyn know?"

"You spied on us, and now you demand an explanation."

"Alwyn believes the mages might stay and fight if they knew this truth."

"Alwyn believes what Alwyn believes. The Circle has chosen the path they feel best."

"Even you voted to stay and fight."

"Yet I follow the will of the Circle."

"The Shadows attack us because they fear us. We have the power to fight them."

"And they have the power to fight us. Already five of us are dead, and more missing."

Galen shook with a quick, violent shiver, and he bit out his words. "This is not some test by which you will train me. I am no longer your student. Tell me the secret."

"But it is a test." Elric paused, stressing his reply. "It is the most important test of all, and one that will continue for the rest of your life. It is the test of what you are. A techno-mage or a traitor. One who kills, or one who does good. One in control, or one consumed by chaos. One who brings darkness, or one who brings light."

Galen's voice rose. "How can I bring light, when you keep us in darkness! You're keeping something important from us. Some secret of power that would help us fight the Shadows. If the mages knew, they would want to stay and fight. But you won't tell them. You're lying to us! Manipulating us! Haven't you learned anything from Kell? Secrets are killers!"

Galen broke off, panting, looking as shocked as Elric was to find himself yelling. Those gathered outside the meeting room, including Ing-Radi, were staring at them.

Elric had thought Galen could handle the move to their new home, with his support. Yet Galen was crumbling. If only they had not been the ones to find Kell's body. If only he had been free to help Galen settle in, rather than occupied with his duties to the Circle. Yet Galen had seen Kell, had faced Alwyn and the rest of the mages alone, and he had been pulled from his own private hiding place before he was ready to deal with reality, his emotions still raw.

And even now, Elric had no time for him.

"You are out of control," Elric said.

"I know," Galen said, his face bare. His shivering had grown more violent. "I can't stop it."

Although Elric's face and chest were hot, his back was cool. Elric realized the heat was coming from Galen, radiating from him like a furnace.

Elric searched for the words that would help him reassert control. "Then think of the last time you lost control, and how much you regretted it. Think of how much you owe the mages, and how grateful you were that you were given a second chance. Think of your tribute to Wierden, the care you put into it, the passion you felt for all she believed. Remember your commitment to obey the Code, and to prove yourself worthy to the Circle."

Galen averted his gaze, and his mouth tightened in a way Elric recognized. He was performing a mind-focusing exercise.

"We do what we do for the good of all," Elric said. "Our situation is grave. There is no simple answer, despite what you may think. It is our burden to find the best path. And it is your burden to follow. Think on that, while I am within. And know that if there is any opportunity for us to do good, I will fight for us to do it."

Galen glanced up at him, and the look on his face made his words unnecessary. "I am sorry."

Elric wiped his forehead. The heat was decreasing. "Violate the trust of the mages no further."

"I will not."

Elric only hoped that Galen could maintain control until the Circle's meeting was over. And that he would have the strength, then, to help Galen. "We will talk when I come out. I promise it."

Galen nodded, looking downward.

With a final, anxious glance at Galen, Elric continued toward the meeting room. Once again, his duties to the Circle kept them apart.

The others in the passage seemed to remember that it was rude to stare and moved about, looking anywhere but at Galen or Elric. Ing-Radi followed him inside, and the large doors swung closed behind them.

Galen walked stiffly down the passage away from the others, shivering, arms still wrapped across his chest. Energy raced through him, searching for outlet. He added letter after letter to his mind-focusing visualization of the alphabet, and as the neat row grew, it became more and more difficult to hold them all in his mind at once. Yet even the demanding exercise could not calm him. He had energy he must release.

He turned down a narrow side passage, found himself alone. A small maintenance room provided privacy. The energy could not be allowed to do harm. He wanted no one to detect it, no one to question him. Yet if he could just release some small piece, he hoped he would be able to wait through the Circle's meeting until Elric returned.

Releasing his energy in the attack on Elizar's chrysalis had brought him no relief, but Galen could think of nothing else to try. If he did not expend some of the energy burning through him, he feared it would slip out of his control. And if some conjury slipped out, no one could alter or dissolve it but him. He felt feverish, racked with chills.

He was ashamed of his conduct. The anger he'd tried to bury after attacking Elizar's chrysalis had welled up out of him again – a great anger at everything that had happened, an anger much deeper and more intense than he'd known. And with it he had struck out at the one person who had tried to help him. He had yelled in public at Elric – Elric, to whom he owed everything. He must not do so again. He must bring himself back under control.

What had happened was his fault, more than anyone else's. His choices, his failures. If there was anyone he should be angry at, it was himself. If there was anyone the energy should strike at, it was himself.

He would bring the energy down upon himself. Perhaps it would shock him back into stillness.

He regularly scoured his scalp, cheeks, and chin of hair, in a limited way re-creating the experience of his initiation. The pain was intense but brief; he had grown used to it. To release a greater amount of energy, generate a higher level of pain, he would scour his entire body. He would leave his head untouched, so there would be no sudden loss of eyebrows to draw attention to what he'd done.

He made the plan in a moment, visualized the blank screen in his mind's eye, imposed the equation upon it. The tech eagerly echoed the spell.

A ball of brilliant blue light appeared above him, shot downward. Fire rushed over his body like living lava, searing him, consuming the hair from his body. His skin screamed with pain. He gasped.

Again.

The blue fire fell upon him with ragged claws. They raked down his skin, scouring the outer layer away. Galen stumbled, doubled over.

His hands quivered, red, raw. The touch of his robe against his skin awakened pain in countless nerve endings. He had forgotten how much it had hurt.

The tech raced, eager to bring the fire down upon him again. Galen forced the screen in his mind's eye blank. It already hurt like hell, and now he realized that, sharing a room with Fed, it would be hard to hide the damage he had inflicted upon himself. Much of his epidermis was gone, burned away. Soon would follow inflammation, and some weeping of the skin. He realized the irony. He had wanted to become a mage to heal.

He slowed his ragged breathing, trying to calm himself. This had to be one of the stupider things he'd done.

Yet it had helped. As he straightened, he found he was no longer shivering. And the pressure to act had lessened somewhat. The agitating energy of the implants had faded, overshadowed now by pain.

He had released some of the anger, and he had hurt only himself. It hurt so much, he could think of little else. If he could not fade like a ghost from the present, he could at least distract himself from it.

Trying to move normally, he went out into the passageway, walked back toward the Circle's meeting room. He would wait for Elric, and he would apologize for his conduct.

The tops of his boots dug into his burning skin. His robe scraped like sandpaper against his shoulders. Even so, he found his mind returning to the harsh words he had spoken. When he'd yelled at Elric, he realized, he'd sounded just like Elizar, talking of secrets of power and deceptions by the Circle. The similarity frightened him.

And yet, nearly everything Elizar had told him had proven true. Kell had known of the Shadows' return. He had sent two inexperienced mages to investigate rumors of that return, hoping they would find nothing. If those accusations were true, then were the others Elizar had made true as well?

I tell you that the Circle has led us astray. They have lied to us, again and again. They have so constricted our powers that we are now only a shadow of what we once were.

Galen took a place against the wall, away from the others. He could not allow himself to be drawn into those thoughts. He pressed his back against the cool metal wall, his robe scraping against his raw skin. He must remain calm.

He focused on the two large doors opposite him. Eventually they would open, and Elric would emerge, and Elric would help him. Perhaps there was a task he could be assigned that would take him out of the facility, that would allow him to work alone. Perhaps he could be allowed to stay on his ship. All the mages were being housed within the facility, for security, but Elric might get special permission for him. It was common knowledge that mages did not get along well with one another. Surely they could make some accommodation to separate him from the rest.

Then, perhaps, he could force the anger away, still the restless energy, bury the memories one last time.

About a hundred mages waited in the wide passage. Though a few glanced his way, none approached him, for which he was thankful. Word of his argument with Elric had no doubt spread. Now that the sleepwalker had awoken, perhaps they would leave him alone and allow him to return to sleep.

Yet no sooner had he thought this than Alwyn came toward him. Why couldn't they just leave him alone?

Galen began an inventory of his pain, beginning at his shoulders and working his way down, intensifying the burning, prickling discomfort with his focus. Everything Elric had said to him was true. Galen had sworn himself to the Circle, to earning their faith in him, and he must not lose his way. The Circle and the Code had brought the early techno-mages to peace, had allowed them to focus on knowing all that could be known, and on using that knowledge to create magic, beauty, and good. He must put the Circle and the Code first, even if it was more difficult than he had ever imagined. It was no more than Elric demanded of himself.

Alwyn stopped beside Galen, appraised him with obvious concern. "I heard about your fight with Elric. I didn't mean to be the cause of trouble between you. Elric is a good man. Very nearly as stubborn as I am. But he's trying to do what is best for the mages. My concerns are a little more selfish. I want to do the best thing for me. And for me, the best thing is to stay and fight. I've made my decision. I was a fool to think the Circle would change." He shook his head with a glance upward. "I ought to know better after all these years. Wishful thinking, I suppose. I'll offer any help that is wanted or needed to bring the mages safely to their hiding place, but I will not enter."