Sunlit Shadow Dance (17 page)

Beck returned
his ironic tone, “Well, I had not quite mistaken you for God, but
as I read you biography, it appears that you are generally regarded
as the nearest thing to his surrogate in your field in Australia,
so I can settle for an expert opinion from God’s deputy.”

He nodded and
smiled back almost warmly, “Well I think you have given me all you
can for now about the events up to the disappearance. Now I need to
talk to your colleague in private to find out what he can tell me
about what has happened since then.

“
There is an excellent coffee shop just around the corner from
my office. I suggest you allow an hour before you return for us to
have a full and frank discussion about the next part. Then, after
that, hopefully we can wrap it up fairly quickly and agree on what
we need to do from here on.”

So she went
and sat in the coffee shop, drinking tea this time. She found
herself thinking about this strange man who had burst into her
life. He was not particularly physically attractive, though he
could improve that with more attention to his grooming. But he had
a mind full of sharp edges. They drew her in, challenged and
intrigued her own mind. He was a few years older than her, perhaps
eight or ten. He had probably got to a stage in his life where his
peculiarities where no longer as well held in check and he did not
socialise enough outside of his work to knock off his rough edges.
But meeting this man with a razor sharp intelligence which probed
and tested her own was enjoyable. She had an ill-defined desire to
see more of what was hidden below that veneer.

When her phone
rang and jolted her back into reality she realized she had been
musing for a good half hour. It was time to return to the meeting.
Quickly they finalised the contractual arrangements for the fees,
examination and report preparation, along with the need for the
doctor to be available for legal examination in the NT if required.
They agreed on how the client visit was to be managed. Beck agreed
to document it and email it out, then each side would come back
with their own confirmation within a week.

One thing she
asked for and, surprisingly, the other two agreed to, was for the
examination to be videoed and the video, at least an edited
version, be provided to her to accompany the report. The video was
to include shots of both the doctor and patient, with Susan’s face
obscured if required. It would cover several questions and the
answers which were made.

She knew it
would convey a much stronger impression of a real person than any
report could. She thought it may help garner support from the
Executive Government to seek a pardon. She also had to admit that
she felt a burning curiosity to see this girl, how she looked and
how she acted, another two years on from when she had last seen her
in the witness box.

It was the
middle of February before the examination with Dr Sangster could be
scheduled. By now the NT Attorney General had the advice sought
from the former High Court judge. While less fulsome than Beck
would have liked it gave the view that a pardon could be used in
this situation.

They also had
a letter from Susan’s parents seeking a pardon for their daughter.
It emphasised her cooperation in giving her testimony after release
from jail and that this was supported by the inquest findings. It
added weight to the legal advice. From the point of view of her
boss, the Attorney General, that was a good enough basis to take
the request to Executive Government once the assessment of Susan’s
mental state was made.

In Brisbane,
Vic now sat in the waiting room, while Jane waited at the motel
minding the children. He had insisted on a pre-meeting with the
Doctor, Ross Sangster before Jane came in, first thing
tomorrow.

Her
examination was scheduled from 7 am to 8am to ensure that it
occurred before anyone else was on the premises. A pre-positioned
video camera was to be behind and to the side of where she was
sitting. This along with a microphone in front would record what
occurred. Vic had the right to see the video tape with the
barrister and remove any sensitive parts before a copy was provided
for others to view.

Vic had asked
to be able to attend the meeting with Susan but this been had
declined by Dr Sangster, saying it may interfere with how she acted
and responded and it would compromise his own independent
evaluation.

Instead Dr
Sangster suggested this pre-meeting this afternoon, saying it would
allow him to gather further information about Susan, the only name
he knew her by. It would also provide Vic with an opportunity to
ask his own questions about what was to occur.

So now Vic was
just waiting for this, full of anticipation and trepidation at how
it could go wrong. He realized that he was jumping at shadows but
still it found him on the edge of the chair with anxiety as he sat
there. He decided he needed to clear his mind and focus on the now,
how to best protect his Jane. So he pictured her smiling face and
her playing with David and Anne. He found it helped him to be
calm.

A tall and
lanky man walked into the room, an overgrown beanpole look,
straggly dark hair, mismatched clothes and a slightly weird
demeanour. He looked like a mental patient.

Vic felt
annoyed at another person being here. Dr Sangster, when they talked
yesterday, promised he would be here by himself. Vic asked for this
precaution to be extra safe, so no-one else could identify him
here.

So what was
another person doing being here? Vic was on the edge of getting up
and walking out when he realized this strange looking man was
talking to him, “Vic Campbell I presume,” he said as he held out
his big hand

Vic realized
he had mistaken the doctor for a patient. He felt less than
reassured and was about to say something cutting.

But the Doctor beat him too it.
A
s he spoke, Vic realized that,
despite his weird look, this guy was seriously sharp. “I know I
could be mistaken. But, despite your sceptical look, I am really
not a madhouse inmate come to visit, Ross Sangster, at your
service.”

Vic found
himself laughing, “Well I guess my face gave me away Doc, but I
have to admit it, you sure had me fooled.”

The Doctor led
him out the back and offered him coffee and a chocolate cookie
biscuit, while they sat and chatted.

When the
coffees were finished this man looked at Vic intently again and
said. “First you can stop calling me Doctor, My name is Ross.
Second I need to know about this person, Susan. I understand she
lives with you, along with her two children.

“
I know you are very concerned to keep her location hidden. I
don’t need to know where you live. But I need to know about her
life, anything at all she remembers, what she does each day, about
any friends, where she goes, what she does and does not
know?

“
When I talk to her I must be very careful. I need to ask her
questions that demonstrate her knowledge and lack of it. But in
doing so I must not undermine her current sense of who she is and
cause more damage.”

Vic said,
“Well, you need to start by calling her Jane. I did know a Susan
once. They tell me the tests show this is the same person, the same
DNA or whatever you call it. But the person who lives in this body
now is no longer Susan, she knows herself only as Jane, she
remembers none other.

“
Any suggestion she is not Jane will distress her greatly, it
is the only piece of identity she had to hold onto. So you must not
suggest that she is another person called Susan.

“
It seems to me as if more than just her memory has gone; it
is as if the part of her, the part called Susan in another life,
has been torn out of her body and mind. Into that vacuum, a new
person has moved in and taken up residence. That person is
Jane.

“
She is the warmest and loveliest person I have ever met. But
she is like a person held together by bits of sticky tape. The bits
could come apart if something else bad was to happen. Then I don’t
know what would be left, would there still be a person there? But
the thought it could happen scares the Bejesus out of me. So you
need to be careful, really careful.”

Dr Sangster
did not reply at once. At first he nodded but said nothing. Then he
remained looking intently at Vic, as if deep in contemplation.
Finally he spoke. “What do you think? Where have all the memories
gone? Are they still sitting somewhere deep inside her, buried to
stop the pain, or have they really vanished, been torn out and got
lost, so they can never be recovered? Does she need that part of
her back?”

Vic shrugged,
uncertain what to say, so the doctor continued.

“
I know you do not know the answers, but these are things you
need to think about. Today and tomorrow, only a small bit of what I
need to do is to confirm this girl has lost her past and along with
it her memories. I don’t need to see her to know that, it is
abundantly clear from all I have been told. It fits as the only way
for her to escape from an impossible situation, short of her own
death. I think suicide must have come very close to her, feeling
like a best friend she wanted to take control of her life, to let
the pain end.

“
Still I must make it appear to others, the lawyers, that my
purpose is to assess her memory. I must go through the motions. But
it is not my reason to see her, any half competent doctor or
psychologist could do this part.

Vic asked,
“Why then?”

“
My first concern is to be gentle. She has suffered enough.
Denying her past was her only way through the pain without
destroying herself. Neither of us needs to be Einstein to know
that.

“
But the real question I put to you, the person who carries
care for this damaged person the deepest, is: What should we do
about it? Do we need to try and join the old and the new? Does she
need to reconnect to her old self in order to live a full and happy
life? Or is she better to be left to begin again, to have a new
life with the old left behind, baggage of another
person?

“
That is the real question. That is the thing you need to
think on before I meet with her. It will help shape what I do at
the meeting and after.

“
Do I try to find the pieces of her old life and help her mind
to connect them to her new life, or do I help her to bury them in
an unfindable place, where they can never bring back the
pain?”

Now it was
Vic’s turn for silence, such responsibility, such a fraught choice.
He thought of the girl he now knew. She was utterly beautiful,
bewitching, kind and good. Yet, without a past, she was an
emotional child.

He loved that
child. But when he remembered the adult he had known, just briefly
before, he realized the loss, the incompleteness. It was like the
colours she was unable to see, her life was missing dimensions of
existence that others had. It felt safer to leave her this way but
it was not enough.

And in his
heart of hearts he knew it was not a safe place for her either. The
bright smile that covered the sticky taped pieces, still broken
though held together, was inherently unstable. Without making real
new joins between the old and new persons there was no resilience,
without finding the old the new could never be much more than a
shell.

Yes he loved
her and she loved him and it was good. But it was not near enough,
much more was needed to make her complete. Ultimately his own
completeness was inextricably linked to hers, so she needed her to
re-know herself too in order to know him.

The “I don’t
know you but I want you” song from “Once” was true but it sold them
both short. He wanted more than that for them both.

As these
thoughts swirled through his mind he remained silent, only half
aware of the other’s intense eyes, watching him. Now he had it
clear in his mind he could answer.

“
You are right, I have thought it through and now I know. We
must try and find a way to build a bridge between the old Susan and
the new Jane. They are both wonderful people, but they both need to
know and value the other to form one complete whole. So, frightened
as I am by what this means, we must try to find a way to bring them
back together, for the sake of many people who know and love her,
but mostly for her own sake.”

Ross Sangster
nodded. “I hoped that you would see that. My intuition told me the
same. But, not knowing her, it is not something I could know with
certainty. I feel much better if we are both agreed on that.

“
My real responsibility is of course to her, she is my
patient, assuming you and she agree. But I need your help and
support. What we must try to do is part exorcism, part healing. It
will be hard and painful for us all so I need your belief in this
for when the dark days come.

“
As we open the cracks to allow the healing to begin so too
the pain will come back. It will be hard for her, but in many ways
it will be harder for you, watching the bringing of pain to one you
love.”

“
Now you must tell me all you know of this person, both from
before and after, but particularly from after. Even though neither
of us can see them now, in the new person are clues to direct our
way back to the old.”

The sun had
fully set and the room was only lit by light coming in from the
river by the time the talking was done. Vic returned to the hotel
to find this woman, sitting on the floor with her children on her
lap. It was beautiful and touching, a child with her children. He
loved her with all he knew, but yet he knew he wanted all of the
old to come back along with the new.