Sunshine (21 page)

Sophie,

You were sleeping when I stopped by. I have to be home for a little while, but I’ll be back as soon as I can. Please don’t try to call me, my phone will be off.
Always,
Myles
I have to shove the note under my pillow because Jade knocks on my open bedroom door. “Hey,” I say as he comes in still dressed head to toe completely in black. His work clothes. He's been helping set up stages for bands when they go on at some place an hour away. Sometimes during the day theater companies practice there, so he helps out then too.
“Look who’s up.” He sits down and hugs me. “I’m glad you’re home,” he says after a minute. He flips his hair out of his face. “I know I don’t have to say that, but I’m going to anyway.”
“Me too,” I say.
“Sure spent a lot of time at Myles’ house.”
“His mom is a nurse, Jade.” I can’t exactly tell him that Myles kind-of-sort-of is too.
I take out a piece of paper and start doing the questions at the end of the chapter.
“We’ll go with that,” he says, but obviously trying to kid.
I ignore him, but I can’t help smiling a little. Thankfully, Jade doesn’t notice, or if he does, he doesn’t say anything. “Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that we’re happy to have you home. We missed you.”
He stands. “Where are you going?” I ask.
“I'm going to go pick up Stevie from work for our date. He got a job as a waiter.”
“A singing waiter?”
“You wish.” He laughs.
He turns back to me again as he reaches the door to my room. “You know that if you feel worse, you can call me and I’ll come home, right?”
“Don’t worry about me, Jade. I’m okay,” I assure him.
He comes back in, kisses my cheek, and leaves.
My school work only lasts a few hours and I’m back to being bored in no time. I try calling Boo and Trei, but they aren’t home. I try watching TV, but my mind won’t sit still long enough to concentrate on any of the shows.
What does Myles mean by not trying to call him? It seems too weird that he would tell me where he is but also not to try and reach him where he is.
Well, boredom, deep thought, and painkillers do not mix.
There is no other option.
I have a hard time walking to the room where it is, but I’m happy to find my piano the way I left it earlier in the week: black and shiny with all of the notebook paper I write on underneath it. My ancient tape recorder on the music stand. I never understand how I can leave it the way it is and miss it so much when I don’t see it, but when I come back, I’m surprised that it’s the same way it was; like I never left.
My hand that’s wrapped in gauze is a little sore, but it isn’t so bad that I can’t play with both of my hands for a little while. I can only sit up straight for so long before I have to lay my head on top of my piano, but I play for hours. I play made up chords, random notes from songs I haven’t listened to in a while. It doesn’t matter. I missed this; I need this.
Even after my hand starts cramping up and my head is spinning, I keep going. The clock on the wall says it’s one am when someone finally creaks my door open. “What are you doing?” I hear him ask.
I don’t lift my head or stop. I just glance at Myles standing in the doorway, and then shut my eyes again. He tries to sit on the bench next to me, but I spread out so he can’t sit down and stop me. “How long have you been here?” he asks, slowly walking over so his face is near my head.
“A while,” I say. Everything is spinning, even with my eyes closed.
There’s a slightly cold hand on my forearm. “Maybe a while too long?”
I stop playing and nod weakly, thinking for the first time since I started that this was probably not one of my brighter ideas.
“Do you want help back to your room?” I hear Myles ask.
Sitting up, I blink a few times to make sure I can balance myself. “I don’t think so.” I slowly get up and feel more than a little stupid.
I decide to crash on the couch for the night. “It’s warmer out here anyway,” I explain to Myles.
He wraps a blanket around me as I lie down. “Were the movies not enough?” He smiles.
“Already watched them.” I point to my pills. He hands them to me with a glass of water that’s been sitting there. I just want the spinning to go away.
Myles sits down on the edge of the coffee table and stares at me. He’s wearing a light blue shirt under a brown zip up hoodie. His dark hair kind of touches his eyelashes as he stares at my head, my arm, assessing me for any damage. I’m expecting him to get mad at me for playing when I’m obviously not ready to, but he doesn’t.
“You’re cheeks are pink.” I notice out loud.
His mouth twitches, but he doesn’t say anything. Fine. I guess I’m the one who’s going to do the talking. “Why did you leave me that note in my book?”
He shrugs. “It’s nothing you need to worry about.” But I think he knows that’s not enough. He sighs. “I had to drink,” he says so quietly I almost don’t hear him. “I didn’t want you to call me because when I’m like that...” He takes a breath, begins again. “I just don’t want you involved with that part of me.” He shrugs, gives up trying to explain himself.
I try to think of what he could mean, but I only can think of one thing. “So when you need to drink blood,” I say. “Do you think about me?”
He looks embarrassed. “Sometimes,” he says, wrapping his arms around himself.
“But you don’t want to,” I say, thinking I’m getting to the bottom of it. “And me calling you would mess that up?”
He nods once. I don’t get anything more than that.
“I’m sorry Myles. I didn’t know,” I say.
“I don’t want to think that way about you,” he says, leaning a hand on the couch near me. “I like you. I don’t want to like you for the wrong reasons.”
“I think I understand,” I say, but it’s kind of hard to. I can’t help feeling a little guilty about making him talk about this part of him when I know it’s a part of him that he doesn’t like.
I know how that feels. “I’m sorry,” I repeat. “We can talk about something else.” I roll on my side so I can look at him better, but he gets up and sits on the couch near my legs. I don’t exactly feel uncomfortable, but I have to fight the urge to move.
“I’d like that,” he says with a smile.
We talk like we did while I was at his house. About what I’m missing at school, and how cold it is outside. But we don’t talk about us. We don’t talk about Myles’ issues, and we don’t talk about mine.

Chapter 20
Caving in
“Blue moon, you knew just what I was there for.”-The Boswell Sisters

The red blotches on my head and hand have healed into small pink marks when I go back to school on Monday, just in time for the pre-Christmas countdown.

I usually dread a lot of things about this holiday: stupid songs, cookies in the shapes of little men (which is just plain creepy), oh, and Barbie and her friends always make it extra special. I swear it’s like they all made a pact from the time we were in grade school to wear Holiday Clothing for the whole month of December. That means blinky Rudolph noses, antlers, jingly bells on their shoes, and Santa hats,
All Month Long
.
“It’s just sick,” I say as we sit down at our table in the cafeteria.
“The Santa hats, or the
Happy Birthday Jesus
T-shirts?” Boo asks, taking a sip from his water bottle.
“Maybe the elf shoes,” Trei suggests, “the ones with the bells so you know when they’re coming.”
“All of it,” I say. “It’s just sick.”
“I don’t know,” Myles says, mushing around whatever it is on his plate. “I don’t think it’s that bad.”
I stare at him.
“Okay, it’s a little too much.” Myles sets his tray aside, deciding not to eat it. Super human stomach or not, it’s a good choice.
I open my box of animal crackers. Boo and I share them and take turns biting their heads off. I pretend mine’s Barbie. Besides the asking me about Jack thing, she’s gone back to treating me like crap. I’ve stopped feeling bad for her.
“Well as long as we’re on the topic of the holidays,” Trei says cheerfully. “Do we all know what we’re doing for X-day?”
I sigh. Why do we have to talk about this now? “I don’t know,” I say. “We used to have it at my house,” I explain mostly to Myles. “And that’s not happening this year.”
“Well Trei and I are doing the usual,” Boo joins in. “We’re going to our dad’s Christmas eve, and then we’re pretty much free the next day considering Mom still thinks of it as a commercialized holiday.” He rolls his eyes.
“What are you doing, Myles?” Trei asks.
He shrugs. “It’s always different for me.”
Okay, enough Christmas talk. “We’ll figure it out,” I say. “Sometime
closer
to Christmas.”
Before anyone can argue with me, we’re distracted by Barbie skipping in her jingly elf shoes to the table next to us. She hands someone sitting there a candy cane. Then we all watch in utter shock and horror as she comes over to our table.
“Can we help you?” Boo asks.
She scrunches up her face at him, completely ignoring everyone at the table. Except for Myles. She turns toward Myles and smiles at him. “Happy Holidays,” she says as she winks, handing him a candy cane before skipping away.
I’m not sure what this feeling is, but I don’t think I like it. I feel like my blood is magma, like my face is on fire. Like I’m about to lunge out of my seat to where Barbie is standing and ripping out her hair extensions one by one.
And Myles acts like nothing out of the ordinary happened. “Someone’s in a good mood,” is all he says. He slides the candy cane over to me. I promptly slam it into the ground. It makes a loud snapping sound, causing a bunch of people to turn toward our table, including Barbie, who I smile and wave to like we’re best friends.
Bitch.
“If I didn’t know any better, I would say you’re jealous,” Myles states as I sit down with him in the library.
“Well you do know better,” I say. “So you’re not going to say that.”
I take out a book and pretend to read. Myles pushes it down onto the table so he can get my attention. He only smiles.
“I just don’t like her,” I explain.
He nods. “And her liking me has nothing to do with your little candy cane tantrum?”
I sigh because I know there’s no use lying with him. “Shut up, Myles,” I say anyway.
He lets me read for a little while before interrupting me again. “So the winter formal is coming up soon,” he says.
My only option is to play dumb. I pretend to go back to reading and nonchalantly say, “Yeah, I think the dance is in a week or two. So what?”
“I’m just suggesting you make up your mind on whether you’re going with me or not soon.”
“I promise I’ll get back to you soon,” I say, despite my lack of knowing when that will be.
Barbie probably isn’t going with Jack anymore—if she has half a brain. I just have to be sure before I commit to anything.
“Okay,” I hear the skepticism in his voice.
“I will.” I try to go back to my book, but I can’t shake the feeling that he’s going to interrupt me again. “Anything else?” I ask.
“Boo and Trei seem excited about New York,” Myles offers.
I can’t believe that I almost forgot about New York and having a job there doing what I love to do. “I think we’re all excited about getting out of this town,” I say. “Even if it’s going to be hell trying to find an apartment.”
He laughs. “I didn’t tell you?” he asks.
“Tell me what?” He has my attention now.
Myles laughs again, like he’s just realizing something. “Oh that’s right. I told Boo and Trei one day while you were sick. Evan’s venue is a lot different than other ones.”
I cross my arms in front of my chest, not sure if I like him hanging out with Boo and Trei, most likely talking about me while I’m not there. “How?” I ask.
“He owns apartment buildings near the club. If your band plays there, you get to live there for free,” he explains.
“Rent free. You expect me to believe that?”
He smiles again. “Well, you’re my friends. That helps.”
I start to believe him. Maybe he’s just trying to do another nice thing. It’s still hard to get used to that. “Oh.” I smile. “Well that’s cool.”
“You’re going to have a great time there,” he says as if I need further convincing.
“Wait. You’re not coming?” I ask.
An ear to ear smile spreads across his face. “Of course I am.”
“Oh,” is all I say.
“So you want me there,” he states the obvious.
I punch him.
“So do you want to come over and watch movies with us?” I ask Myles at his locker at the end of the day.
He smiles. “Just as long as it’s not that horrible
breakfast
movie again.”
I laugh because I’m so happy Boo didn’t convert him to a breakfast lover. I’m in such a good mood that I let him walk with me to Trei’s locker where Boo is waiting with her. Then I let him walk near me without either Boo or Trei between us when we get out to the parking lot. But I don’t let him sit in the front seat.
Being nice to Myles is easy, but letting my friends know I like someone is not.
We go to Wal-Mart and get our supplies. By the time we get back to my house, it’s snowing. We decide on horror movies:
The Exorcist
,
Carrie
, the classics.
We huddle in my living room with every blanket in the house. Trei and I share one, and Boo does the same with Myles. It’s a nice night and I have a lot of fun, but something feels different. I feel like I’m
really
happy, not just acting like I am, or that I’m holding back from being happy. I just am.
Then why do I feel like something’s missing? When I realize what it is, I regret it.
Myles.
He’s right there, sitting next to Boo, but I can’t shake the feeling that Myles is in the wrong place. That
I’m
supposed to be sitting next to him.
I’m taken out of it when Trei asks me a question. “Hey Sophie, what are you wearing to the dance?”
She could not have asked me a worse question right now. “Who said I was going?” I ask.
“No one,” she says. Do I see her glance at Myles when she says that? “I just figured that you were going. And if you are, you need a dress.”
Maybe she was just looking at Boo.
But Myles has the widest grin on his face. Damn it. Now I’m stuck. “So,” I start, staring at the blanket shared between Trei and I. “I think I’m
maybe
going,” I answer.
Apparently, that’s good enough. Trei smiles, “Well awesome. Now we can pick out dresses.”
Boo smiles the same way at Myles. Like he’s saying,
we’ve got your back
or something. Yeah, the whole them hanging out without me thing, I don’t like it.
Trei tells me a weekend that we’re going to get dresses and I agree. If this is what my friends want then fine. If Jack’s there, I’ll just pretend to get sick or something. It shouldn’t be hard. The hardest part now is the fact that I’m going with Myles.