Surge (84 page)

‘You’re absolutely right,’
I told her. If I was gonna go down, he was going with me, since the bastard escorted that beast to my house.
‘You call Jared, and tell him to get here now, so that I can officially make him my best man.’
My mom immediately left the room to demand Jared’s presence.

‘Really?’
The creature on the bed asked with hopeful eyes.

‘Hell no! I wouldn’t touch you with a twenty foot pole.’

‘You already did,’
manzilla hissed with a scowl that looked like a caterpillar was crawling across her face.

‘Yeah, and I was temporarily insane, blind and stupid last night, so as far as I’m concerned, that never happened.’
I grabbed my dad’s arm and propelled him out of the room, before the thing on the bed decided to slither on over and swallow us whole.
‘Dad, you gotta get rid of her before Ma gets back. Have you seen that thing? I can’t be saddled to it for life.’

‘Get over it son, you’ve made your bed,’
my dad said with a disgusted look at the door containing my forced fiancé.
‘Literally. What a waste, too, you were so handsome, and had so much potential. Instead, you threw it all away for that.’
He looked at the door again and shivered.
‘Is it even human? Or is it one of them she-males?’

‘I don’t know, Dad, and I don’t think I want to.’

‘Tell me you’re on drugs,’
my father said urgently.
‘Anything that could explain your actions, because if you weren’t under the influence of something when you brought that home to meet your mother, I’m committing you.’

‘I didn’t bring her to meet Ma,’
I denied.
‘And I’m not on drugs.’

‘Sweet mercy in heaven, save us all,’
he muttered at the ceiling.
’My son’s a homo.’

‘What the fuck? I’m not a homo. I was obviously sinking into something, that I’m now convinced was a black hole, but I don’t remember, ‘cuz I’m fucking drunk.’

‘Drunk, you say?’
Dad inquired and I nodded.
‘Good, we can work with that. You’re going to tell them that you were raped, trust me, the cops will believe it when they see you, and then get a look at her. If it is a her, since I’m not entirely convinced that it is.’

‘What the hell are you talking about? We don’t need cops, just kick her ass out.’

‘John, I don’t think you understand the severity of this situation. She knows where we live, that we have money, and she’s going to sink her pit bull teeth straight in your ass, claiming that you knocked her up, and then she’ll be milking you for child support for years to come.’

‘Jesus, Dad, it’s just a drunken accident, it’s not like she knows who I am. And I used a freaking condom. You know, like the ones you gave me when I was sixteen, and you caught me making out with Rosalie from next door? So, there’s no way in hell that I could have knocked her up, when I used protection.’

‘99.9% effective,’
Dad countered.
‘I’ve had clients who were convinced they weren’t the daddy, since they used a condom, and guess what? They were.’

‘Spermicide,’
I said.
‘I used spermicide too, so there’s no way on God’s green Earth that anything got through, not to mention that nothing got out in the first place, since you busted in on me. Thanks for the rescue by the way, I’m pretty sure I’d have to become a monk if I’d finished.’

‘We’re Catholic, and you’ll stay that way,’
my dad warned as we heard the doorbell chime.
‘Now, get your fiancé in the living room, and for Christ’s sake, put on some damn pants!’
Dad went to answer the door, so I head back to my room and snatched my blanket from Medusa.

‘Hey!’
She protested.

‘Fuck off, Man Beast, this is mine.’

‘What’s yours is mine,’
the naked thing said as she trailed after me and grabbed hold of my blankie.

‘The fuck it is!’
I smacked her grabby mitts away.
‘And get your damn hands away from Snakie, he don’t like you.’

‘He liked me half an hour ago,’
she said and flashed her jagged teeth at me. I felt a whole body shiver of revulsion course through me.

‘I plead the fifth, ‘cuz I was under the influence of Jack, José and Walker. Now, put some freaking clothes on, no one wants to see that shit.’
I sat on the sofa, and didn’t the thing sidle up next to me and curl herself up in half of my blanket.
‘I’m gonna give you ‘til the count of three to move the fuck away from me, before I upchuck on you again.’

‘In sickness and in health.’
it retorted.

“I’m tug of warring my blanket from the selfish toad monkey, my dad’s in his office on the phone with his police connections, and mom’s in the kitchen planning the wedding; when Jared walked in. He was in his fucking feetie pajamas that had these cute little puppy faces all over them, with their tongues wagging out. He had snow dripping from his face, and snot frozen underneath his nose like Jim Carrey in
Dumb and Dumber
, Adidas flip flops on his feet, and he wasn’t even wearing a coat; but he ignored all that, pointed at me, and sang like a canary.”

____________________________________

John glares at me. “You could have at least ditched the monster in the subway, that way, she could have found her way home along with her fellow sewer rats.”

“I tried,” I insist and hold up four fingers. “Four times, but she was a stage five clinger, and it didn’t help when you kept calling her your
‘sexy baby.’
”

“I was obviously well past my cups to find anything remotely attractive about her,” John says with a disgusted face.

“Come on, she couldn’t have been that bad,” Oscar says.

“Think of the ugliest mutt you’ve ever seen, add a horse head, a caveman’s forehead, a uni-brow, a snaggle tooth, and a whiskered chin; and even that still didn’t compare to the beast I brought home,” John says with complete seriousness.

“I’m sure she had a great personality,” Danny says.

“No personality could have possibly convinced me to keep her,” John says. “Plus, I’m pretty sure it sucked, ‘cuz she didn’t take too kindly to the way I got rid of her...”

____________________________________

‘Jared, you asshole,’
I hissed.
‘How could you?’

‘Uh-uh, this is all on you,’
he said.
‘I asked you over and over again if you were sure that you wanted to bring it home, and what did you say? “I’m positive, Jarry, me and Britney are gonna have lots of fun.”’

‘It’s Bianca,’
creature of the deep informed us.

‘No one gives a fuck,’
I told her.
‘What are you still doing here anyway? I told you to get the fuck out.’

‘Your mom invited me to dinner,’
Bianca answered.
‘She told me that she needed to get to know me better, before the wedding, and John Jr. were born.’

‘No fucking way!’
I jumped up from the couch, not caring one bit that I was still butt naked, and flashing the goods to Jared and the Beast.
‘We are
not
getting married. We are
not
having babies, and you are
not
staying for fucking dinner! You already spoiled my delicious pasta from last night, that you’re still wearing, and you sure the fuck will not be here to ruin another. Now, get your shit, and get the fuck out.’

‘I think I’ll listen to Judy,’
she said, and adjusted herself on the couch to settle in for the long haul.
‘She’s nice, and I can’t wait to have her for my mother-in-law.’

‘Jared, I’m going to fucking murder you in your sleep tonight, so help me God.’

‘What the fuck did I do?’
Jared demanded.

‘You were supposed to be my wingman, not my freaking kamikaze pilot.’

‘I told you last night, that she was a dog, you prick,’
Jared said as he pointed at the thing on the couch.
‘I’m not responsible for Gollum.’

‘The fuck you aren’t. You should have cut me off twenty drinks
before
I got to the state of inebriation needed to want that thing within sixty feet of me, without a steel cage between us for my own protection.’

‘You do know that I’m right here
,
and can hear everything that you’re saying, right?’
Britney asked.

‘Who cares? I told you to get lost, so, if you don’t like what we say, then leave, Britney. No one’s holding you captive. Hell, we want you gone.’

‘It’s Bi-an-ca,’ she repeated and stressed each syllable.

‘And I still don’t give a f-u-c-k if it’s Britney, Bart, Brian or Barney, get out!’

‘Nah, I’m pretty comfortable where I am,’
Bi-an-ca said and wrapped my blanket around her hairy shoulders, that still had puke on them.

‘Jared, I’m gonna strangle her first, then you, then I’m gonna hurl myself from the fucking Tobin, because I can’t take this shit!’

‘Calm the fuck down,’
Jared ordered.
‘We’ll get rid of her, then you’ll get you some therapy, alright?’

‘Yeah, I’ll be needing lots of therapy, alright. Shock therapy, pills and a lobotomy to forget every detail from the last eight hours. Especially the bed scene. My god, I need to burn this fucking house to the ground. Where’re the matches, Ma?’

‘I’m on the phone, Jonathan!’
My mom shouted back.
‘Father Daniels is very disappointed in you, but he said your soul isn’t damned yet, so there might still be hope.’

‘Who the fuck calls their priest when their son is having a crisis?’

‘I do, now shut up!’
Ma answered.

‘Dad, a little help here.’

‘I’m already on the case, Jon-Jon,’
Dad called back.
‘The police said that they can’t give you a restraining order without a full name, or justifiable cause, but I’m trying to pull a few strings.’

‘Goddamnit!’

‘No taking the lord’s name in vain!’
Mom ordered.

‘Why the hell not? He damned me, so I’m damning him right back!’

‘Yes, I know Father,’
Mom continued.
‘He’ll be coming to church with us on Sunday, I can guarantee it!’

‘I will not!’

‘You will!’
Mom demanded.

‘Yes, Mommy.’

‘Where’s my ring, Johnny-cakes?’
Bianca inquired.
‘I want at least a six carat diamond, in a platinum band, but I’ll take more than that, I’m not picky.’

‘Why are you still here?’

‘I already told you, Judy invited me for dinner,’
it answered.

‘And I rescinded your invitation. Now, make like your vampiric cousins, and scram, before I pull out the holy water and stakes.’

‘Nope.’

‘Jared!’

‘What!’
He shouted, and sprang upright in the chair he was sitting in.

‘Quit fucking falling asleep, before I bury you in a snow bank.’

‘I’m fucking tired, you asshole,’
he muttered and leaned back in his chair.
‘Some fucker had to bring home Satan’s ugly step kid, so I got dragged out of bed, and had to walk through a fucking blizzard. I’m probably dying of hyperthermia right now, and you don’t even care.’

‘You’re damn right I don’t. It would serve you right.’
He started snoring again.
‘Wake the fuck up, you bastard!’

‘Nah, you’re the one with a bastard in the oven,’
Jared told me and looked over at Bi-an-ca and folded his hands on his knee.
‘You got a baby Jon-Jon is gestation yet? How long exactly does it take for one of your kind take to pop one out?’

‘Nine months,’
the thing answered.
‘We’re gonna name him Johnny-kins, the third.’

‘Make sure you call me,’
Jared said in complete seriousness.
‘I definitely want to be there so that I could see what it looks like to birth Rosemary’s baby, ‘cuz they never showed it in the movie.’

‘Oh my God, kill me now!’

‘Suicide’s a sin, Jonathan!’
Mom shouted from the kitchen.
‘Number Six, “thou shalt not kill.”’

‘No one cares, Ma!’

‘I care, and so won’t little Johnny when he has no daddy around,’
Beastie said.

‘You aren’t pregnant, you don’t even have ovaries.’

’Do too.’

‘Bull.’

‘Not bull, was born with ‘em too.’’

‘Then give them to someone who needs them, since it defeats the purpose when you have an inverted penis.’

‘I do not have a penis,’
hissed Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

‘I know,’
I agreed.
‘Because you chopped that sucker in half to construct that poor excuse for a vagina.’
It started growling, so I took four huge steps back before the hermaphrodite bit Snakie off like it were a chew toy.

‘Don’t anger it,’
Jared warned without taking his eyes off of the creature.
‘It could be like the Hulk, and grow into an even scarier monster.’

‘I’m not a monster,’
and didn’t the thing sound very monster-like when she snarled that at Jared, and bared her snaggletooth at him. He flinched, and pressed back into his chair cushion.

‘N-nice Beas-Bianca, Jared friend,’ Jared
said and held up his hands.
‘Please don’t eat Jared, he’ll get you and baby Johnny-kins lots of cookies.’

‘I don’t like cookies,’
Bianca snapped.

‘See, only a fucking beast doesn’t like cookies,’
I said, and didn’t care when it turned it’s putrid green eyes, and Groucho Marx brows my way.
‘Listen, I’m gonna give you a few friendly tips, alright?’
I didn’t wait for a reply, I just went with it.
‘Grow a vagina, tweeze your brows, get some veneers, shave your chin, get some implants, and get a new personality, then maybe you’ll find a Shrek for your Fiona. Maybe. Because I’m not guaranteeing that even all that would be enough. But I most fucking definitely will not be him.’

‘You love me,’
Bianca said with a sniff of her actual pig snout.
‘You told me so last night. Many times.’

‘I did no such thing, you lying cow!’

‘You wanna bet?’
The indistinguishable hair colored nutcase challenged. It was a cross between brown, red and black, with an unknown origin.