Surge (85 page)

‘Yeah, I fucking do.’

Reaching into her purse, she pulled out her sparkly iPhone, clicked on an app, and played a recording.
‘Yeah, baby. Suck me good.’

‘How much do you love me?’
Bianca asked as she popped off my cock.

‘You know how much I love you,’
I told her and shoved her head back down.

‘Unh-uh, tell me.’

‘I fucking love you soo much,’
I said and thrust into her mouth to get her to shut the fuck up.
‘Mhmm. That’s right, sexy baby, keep going. I fucking love you to death. Now, go faster.’

____________________________________

“No, it wasn’t just a verbal recording, this sick bitch actually videotaped herself giving me head. My poor dick even had teeth marks from her snaggletooth.”

“So, how’d you rid of her, without a proposal?” Carlos asks.

“I’m getting there,” John continues.

____________________________________

“The video was still playing, when I snatched the phone out of her hairy paw, and hurled it at the wall. Wouldn’t you know it, but that bitch had a fucking otter box on it, and we all know those fuckers were dear near indestructible, so it didn’t die the death I thought it would. And didn’t that have to be the exact moment for my mom to walk in.”

‘John, Father Daniels said...’
Mom began, but was cut off by my voice shouting from the phone.

‘Suck it
harder,
sexy
baby!’

“My mom’s eyes rounded, as she walked over, and picked it up. She took one look at it, then turned furious eyes my way. I was fully expecting her to beat my ass, and have the priest be at the house within the hour, but she didn’t. Instead, she walked over, grabbed the girl by the hair, and hauled her up.”

‘Blasphemous slut!’
Mom shouted and dragged the naked girl out of the parlor, leaving my soiled blanket on the couch.
‘How dare you corrupt my baby, and put your disgusting mouth on his privates? And in my house!’

“Jared and I chased after my mom, in time to see her hurl the girl in a snowbank. She then took the phone out of the case, and smashed it repeatedly against the brick exterior to our house, until it was in pieces.”

‘You want a new phone? Take me to court, I know a lawyer who would love to rip you to shreds, you nasty skank.’
Mom pointed a furious finger at me.
‘And if I see even one blink of that mug on my block, or near my baby again, you won’t have a face left to scare the world with. You hear me, demon spawn?’

“The abominable snowman shivered with her mosquito tits frozen in the snow bank, but nodded at my mother. Mom then turned to me, and cupped my cheek.
‘My poor baby, let’s get you inside, and take care of that tummy ache, alright?’
I nodded and then she turned to Jared.
‘I love you like a son, but I don’t like you very much right now.’

‘Hey, I told him to leave her in the gutter she crawled out of,’
Jared said defensively.

‘Is that true, John?’
Mom asked me. I huffed, but nodded.
‘Then you’re forgiven this time, Jared, but not for the vacuum. I still can’t figure out what the hell you did to it, but the damn thing doesn’t work anymore.’

‘Maybe the warranty is still good?’
Jared offered.

‘Maybe,’
she agreed as she walked into the house. Mom paused as she looked over her shoulder at me.
‘Oh, and John?’
I nodded for her to continue.
‘Put some pants on, honey, your winky still needs to give me grandbabies, and it can’t if it freezes off.’

‘Jesus, Ma! Don’t talk to me about winkies and babies, it gives me the willies.’

____________________________________

“Mom smiled and all was forgiven, the end" John finishes. Carlos, Oscar, Cory, Danny and I are laughing our asses off. “I’m glad my very traumatic experience amuses you, you pack of assholes.”

“You had to have your mom get rid of your dog,” Carlos says as he breaks out in another round of chuckles.

“That’s an insult to dogs everywhere,” John counters. “She was a cross between Shrek, a pig and a troll.”

“And you still tapped it,” Oscar points out.

“I had vodka vision!” John protests.

“Remind me to never drink vodka,” Danny mutters.

“No, don’t even touch beer, ‘cuz it gives you goggles too,” John warns. “I’ve never touched a drop of alcohol since.”

“I’d say that’s a good thing,” Olivia remarks. Five pairs of wide eyes swivel to the eavesdropping pixie leaning casually on the bar behind us. “After all, you wouldn’t want to bring home another
‘ugliest mutt you’ve ever seen, add a horse head, a caveman’s forehead, a uni-brow, a snaggle tooth and a whiskered chin.’
” She looks at me. “Did you really have feetie pajamas with puppies on them?”

“Yes, yes he did!” John exclaims.

“That is so fucking awesome,” Olivia say with a grin.

“Dammit,” John mutters under his breath.

“Thank you, Olivia,” I say. “My mom got them for me for Christmas, and I absolutely loved ‘em.”

“Ahh,” she gushes.

“Fucking, momma’s boy,” Cory says.

“And damn proud of it, too.”

“So, what’s the story with the vacuum?” Olivia inquires. “I think I got it already, but I want the dirty deets.”

“No, you definitely don’t need those,” I tell her.

“No, I believe I do,” she counters with a smirk. “What do you think, John? You’re the one whose dirty laundry was aired out, so, do you tell the story? Or let him get away with it?”

“Tell it,” John agrees. “He already broke the pact, so I can too.” I kick his shin, where Olivia can’t see.

“I saw that,” ninja girl says with a
‘tsk tsk.’
“Leave John alone, the poor man was traumatized, and had to have his mommy take care of the clingy changeling.”

“See, someone finally throws some much deserved pity my way,” John says and points at Olivia. “You are my new best friend.”

“Thanks, John, that’s really sweet of you,” she says with a smile. “Now, get on with the story.”

I think I may die of embarrassment. I thought I’d go out with fifty wheezers tearing me apart in six different directions, or in a horrible car accident where I’m paralyzed and then I’m eaten. I never thought I’d go out from something as pathetic as embarrassment, but it looks like that’s what the C.O.D. will be on my death record.

“Alright, let’s go back a couple of years,” John beings. I swipe a hand over my face, trying to think of something to divert their attention away from this story.

“Wait!” I shout. “Sarah can’t hear this.” Six people laugh at me. “What’s so funny?”

“Have you looked around the room?” Carlos asks.

“‘Cause it cleared out half an hour ago,” Oscar adds. “I’m pretty sure it was just after I finished my dance with Olivia, that they went to bed. Huh, mama poco?”

“Sí,” she answers.

“Enough stalling, Jared,” John orders. “This story is being told, whether you want it to or not.”

I absolutely don’t, but knowing John and his determined will when he’s set his mind on something, it will either come out now; while I can revise it, or later when he can embellish it.

“Do your worst,” I say and wave my hand for him to get on with it.

“Not my worst,” he tells me. “Your worst.” I roll my eyes. “So, this was back a few years ago. We were probably, I don’t know, seventeen or something, anyway that doesn’t matter. What matters, is the fact that Jared still thought it would be a good idea to try out this video he saw on the internet.”

“YouTube would have been the death of me if the internet hadn’t died first,” I announce to the room.

“Ain’t that the damn truth,” John agrees. “Google was my best friend, sorry Jared, but I miss that bastard more than I ever could you.” I flip him off. “Seriously, I could type in anything, and there would be thousands of answers to pick from.
‘How to extend your orgasm? How much sex is too much? Can you die from blue balls?’
” John’s sounding more and more forlorn with each question that he can no longer type in, and receive an instant response to.

“I know, John,” I say and pat his head. “You were usually on my laptop, googling porn sites, pointless questions, and how-to videos. Do you have any idea how many viruses you got me? Or the fact that I was freaking terrified to let my mom borrow my computer? What the fuck would I have done if she restored a tab like,
‘Big breasted, horny school girls
,’ or
‘double team my dong’
?” John just grins at me.

“Back to the vacuum,” he says. “Jared found this video on YouTube where a dude used a vacuum hose to give himself a blowjob. No, I’m not kidding, it was really there. Why the fuck he looked up something like this to begin with, still confuses me. I mean, I thought you were straight, Jared, not Bi. Don’t matter to me, just don’t be looking to suck my cock like a blow pop ‘cause my door only swings one way.”

“I’m not Bi, you douche,” I say. “And I didn’t look it up, it was in those videos on the side, and I clicked on it because I was bored.”

“I’m gonna have to create some activities for you,” Olivia says. “Because anytime you guys get bored, it sounds like you do something stupid.”

“Tends to happen to anyone who has a penis,” I tell her and she nods.

“I’m glad I don’t have one then,” she returns. Me too, I add silently. “Anyway, take it away, John.”

“Thank you, Olivia,” he says. “So, we were at my house this time, obviously, since it was my mom’s vacuum that he destroyed. The video said to watch out for Dysons, ‘cause those fuckers will suck you too damn hard. See what I did there?” John points around the room to row his clever play on words, well, he thought it was clever anyway. A few people nod or wave for him to keep going. “Yeah, I thought that was good too. But back to the vacuum, my mom had an LG one with the hose attachment, so he figured it suit his purpose, since it was an almighty Dyson. Jared plugged it in, shoved his dick in the hose, and gave it a go. It wasn’t even two seconds in, and he was screaming,
‘Get this the fuck off of me!’
”

“So, I asked him what was wrong, and Jared told me that his dick was being torn off. Me, being the best friend that I am, ignored him so that he could learn his lesson. I turned back to my computer, and continued playing Mafia Wars, since this was before Candy Crush, and the Crush was my game. Don’t you miss those?” Mutters of agreement go around, but not a single comment in sympathy for my poor abused dick, the assholes. “Anyway, here I am, kicking mafia ass, while my room was being torn to hell. There was a lot of cursing, shit being thrown around, and finally the vacuum’s cord was ripped from the wall. But it wasn’t done there. He was stuck in the fucking tube.”

“How’d you fit in the tube to begin with?” Carlos asks.

“I’d say he’s a little narrow,” Oscar replies with a smirk.

“Fuck off, or I’ll pull it out, and prove you wrong,” I warn.

“Please don’t,” Cory pleads. “I’ll be scarred for life, and I really don’t want that.”

“Don’t start measuring penises in my presence,” Olivia orders. “Do that after I leave, now John finish the damn story about your mom’s vacuum’s untimely death to a foolish boy’s antics.”

“Well, he was stuck like that kid in a
Christmas Story
,” he says. “You know the one who stuck his tongue to the pole? Yeah, well that was Jared’s dick. He just kept tugging on the hose to try and pull it off, it so wasn’t working, and he was cursing at me for not helping him. No fucking way was I jerking on some dude’s cock for any reason. Be that safety reasons, or not, I wasn’t having any part of it. So, Jared grabs hold of the hose as he stumbled around my room, and started digging through my drawers for something to pry the damn thing off.
‘Call the fucking fire department, John! I need the fucking Jaws of Life here right the fuck now, before my dick falls off, you fucker!’
”

“I was definitely not calling anyone to come and help,” John continues. “My mom would have died on the spot if she found out that the door was broken down to help Jared keep his dick. Especially if she knew that he used her four hundred dollar vacuum to castrate himself.”

“I’m not castrated, you asshole,” I hiss. “Junior is still attached and fully functional.”

“Whatever,” he says and waves me away. “Jared used a pencil, a pen and finally a screwdriver that he found in my drawer, until he finally got the fucking thing off of him.”

“It had to be the most painful thing in my life,” I say and see the guys wince in sympathy.

“But the most hysterical thing I’ve seen in mine,” John says. I punch him in the shoulder. “Seriously, it looked like an angry balloon animal.”

“And that’s all folks!” Olivia says. “Thanks for that, John, but I’m exhausted, and don’t plan on staying for cocks to be pulled out and compared.” She turns toward the stairs. “Have at it boys, goodnight.”

“Night Olivia,” a chorus of follows her footsteps retreating upstairs.

“I’m gonna head up too,” Cory says. “John, stay away from the alcohol, and Jared, stay the hell away from vacuums.”

“Yes, sir,” John and I say as we salute him. GI Joe follows Olivia’s exit, along with the twins and Danny.

“Sorry about training,” I call out. “We’ll try again at the next house.”

“It’s fine,” Danny says. “Thanks, Jared.”

“Don’t mention it, just no repeating shit to Sarah.” Danny nods as he jogs up the stairs. “Thanks for humiliating me, you prick.”

“You started it,” John counters.

“I didn’t do it front of a chick you like.”

“Who said I don’t like Olivia?” John asks. I stare at him. “What? I do. Any guy would, she’s funny, beautiful, smart. What’s not to like.” When I glare at him, he holds up his hand. “Of course I’m not gonna make a play for her, but you better do it soon, you stalling bastard.”

“I’m giving her time.”

“Yeah, and you’ll keep giving her time, until you feel comfortable with admitting that you have feelings for her,” he says.

“I can admit it,” I say.

“To yourself, and me, or Cory,” John agrees. “But not to whom it matters most.”

“She’s not ready for it yet.”

John stands as he replies, “You don’t know that unless you try.”