Surrender

Copyright of Rue Volley 2014

All rights reserved

Published by Hot Ink Press

Cover by Rue Volley for Vivid Book Designs

Love is immortality.

~Emily Dickinson

Chapter One

12

I held the small black card in my hand with the number twelve on it. My red nail on my index finger stuck out bright against it. I sighed. I could feel the smooth texture of the card against my fingertips, it excited me, as did this whole night. I lifted it to my lips and set it sideways, sliding it along the one semi-deep groove in the middle of my bottom lip. I had never paid much attention to it, but I had people who told me in the past that my lips drove them crazy. They are full and soft, just like my mother’s. In fact, it was the only thing I got from her…there certainly wasn’t any love felt between us, and since her death three years ago, I almost felt myself evolving. Funny how one person can hold you back like that, but only if you let them. You learn over time that happiness is something you build, not something that is just handed to you. So, I tapped the card against my bottom lip and thought about that, the “building” I wanted to do of myself, which was exactly why I was here. I needed to change, evolve,
and step forward from the haze.

I adjusted my dashboard mirror and stared into my own eyes. Deep brown, almost black in color. In the darkness of the night, they almost look soulless, and maybe I am at times. Maybe my soul is buried deep, deeper than I can access.  My hair is black with streaks of blue running down the long, loose curls framing my face. It was temporary, but I wanted to try something new. I was once heavier than I am now, the women in my family have trouble with weight, but I love my ass and hips. My breasts are just the right size for my body, of which I am appreciative. I guess my one true complaint is that I have trouble connecting…to people, I mean. I have this closed sense of protection all around me, something no one has been able to chip through, but I have all intentions of changing it. I really do. Maybe
not
tonight, tonight is for me to explore and that is it. It’s selfish, I know, but who is to say that selfish intention is not without merit? Perhaps it is in these selfish moments we find that it is the only time we truly feel alive. We feel as if we can be more, more than we ever imagined.

I reached over and grabbed my vinyl half-mask with rabbit ears and stepped out of the car. I slipped the mask on and felt the slick rubber against my upper cheeks and forehead. I am a person who gets off on touch, I guess that is why I tend to avoid it most days on the subway. I try anyway, but there are times that I am standing in the crowded car, hanging onto the strap above me, and someone brushes up against me from behind. I close my eyes and try to control the feelings it forces me to have; those of wanting to come right there in front of everyone, as if I was a side show attraction for their enjoyment. I cannot help it; it is a fetish of mine. I stood there on the roof of this building next to my car and stared out at the night sky, the breeze alone making me long for hands to touch me. To feel every part of me, with or without my permission. I needed it. I wanted it and I was sure that tonight it would happen, after months of not having it.

I looked down and saw my outfit, shiny black, looking like a one-piece gothic bathing suit of sorts. I had worn fishnets and black heels, high off of the ground and strapping my ankles in thick, black cuffs. I remember sitting on the edge of my bed and making them a bit tighter, I grinned and enjoyed the way they made me feel held in place, going nowhere and yet, anywhere that I wanted to go if I just surrendered to it. Surrendering, that is the goal. The one, true adventure in life. The moment you give in, not only to yourself, but to everyone around you. You give into the unknown, and isn’t that the ultimate turn on? Just not knowing what is going to happen next? I know we are all capable of achieving it, but sometimes it takes extraordinary acts to get to this place, a place I found myself in right then.

I watched as twelve black cars pulled up before me and drivers got out of each one. I looked behind me as more cars joined me on the rooftop of this building and suddenly, it was becoming real, this decision I had made to step into the unknown with my sexuality. I needed it though, and, to be quite honest, I was happy to see others just like me here. People who needed to be touched, even if it was by people who they never met and would probably not meet again. Anonymous hands, masked faces, allowing someone who you may have worked next to for five years suddenly showing you an animalistic side to humanity. People desperate for release, but unable to connect on a deeper level, no deeper than penetration and orgasm, but void of conversation and commitment. There are those who function this way all of their lives and do just fine. Perhaps I am just one of them and I can finally accept it now. Mask and all.

I stepped forward as a woman placed one white heel to the ground and her driver took her petite hand and helped her up, she had bright red hair, pulled to one side and draped over her pale shoulder. The dress she wore was almost see-through in nature, white and V-necked, the opening hanging well below her small breasts in the front, showing off the smooth, pale skin in between them. She wore large, black sunglasses and I found it amusing, seeing that it was night, but the moon hung large in the black sky, flanked by a million stars. It lit everything brighter than I could ever remember it doing before. She started to walk towards me and took her glasses off, her eyes were pale blue, almost white, and looked amazing against the deep black of her pupils. I had to assume she had contacts in, because no one had eyes like that in this world. They were mesmerizing and she was about a foot from me before any other thought could even cross my mind. I stared at her, I could not help it. Regardless of my sexual preferences, I would not deny her any pleasure. She just had a way about her that could seduce and charm anyone in her path. I took a slow breath as my chest rose and fell. She remained calm, as my heartbeat sped up with anticipation.

She grinned, but never showed her teeth to me. Her lips were almost as full as mine and the edges of them curled up, as if she was mocking me. I adjusted from one heel to the other as I played with the black card in my hand. I tapped it against my fingers and my eyes went from left to right behind her as I studied the black cars. She reached out and flipped her hand over, letting it sit there in front of me as I swallowed hard and placed the card into her hand. Her left eyebrow rose and she stared at the number on it and then closed her fist around it. She looked me over, the touch of her stare was intoxicating. It was almost as if I could hear the whispers of her eyes as they ran down my shoulder, over my side, gliding along my hip and then she settled on my pussy. I cleared my throat and parted my lips as her eyes lifted in one quick flash of movement and she turned away from me.

I watched as her round ass swayed back and forth. She placed a hand on her hip and looked down the row of cars, she pointed to one and the driver opened the door as a man stepped out of the car. He wore a black suit with a red and a thin, black tie. His jacket was unbuttoned but he quickly buttoned it up as she looked him over, not unlike she had done to me. She walked to him and leaned into his ear, whispering slowly as her hand lowered to the front of him and cupped his cock. I placed my hand to the base of my throat and my fingertips hummed as his head lowered and she massaged him, continuing to whisper, and then she looked back and eyed me. She grinned, only this time, I could see her teeth, whiter than white, even in this moonlight. Her hand stopped as his head rose. All I could see were his blue eyes behind a black half-mask, not unlike my own. She stepped aside as others got out of their cars, but it all seemed to be in slow motion for me as the man walked towards me. Everything blurred except him. I stood my ground, but as he kept coming towards me, my heartbeat sped up in my chest. I backed up as he stopped just inches from my face and stared into my eyes. I realized that my back was against the side of my car, but every highly-tuned sense I had ever depended upon was all tuned into him, his blue eyes, his beautiful jawline, his lips…soft and wanting something that I was willing to give. I immediately wanted him. Badly.

He lifted his hand and flipped a card in front of my face, the number twelve stared me down in bright white lettering set on black. It looked like my own, of which I had received in the mail after answering the cryptic ad online. All the ad had said was one simple word.

Surrender

It had mesmerized me. When I clicked on the private website, it was there that I saw it was an underground club of sorts for swingers, sexual deviants, and explorers…just like me. It called out to me, as nothing had before.

The attractive man in front of me lowered the card and his grin told me he was happy, just as happy as I was, that we had been paired together for one night of anonymous debauchery. Sex without commitment of any kind. Sex with someone I would never know or meet again. It set my senses on fire.

He took my hand and pulled me along as I watched others pairing up with each other. There seemed to only be twelve pairs, but I did notice a couple who had come together. I won’t lie and say that I was not jealous of them and what they had. The open ability to do something like this was astounding in an age when people seemed to be paranoid about every little thing. So what if you looked at another person, or even invited them into your bed
together
?  How beautiful a thing to be able to trust in your partner so much so that something like that was possible. I would assume it is much better than cheating. In fact, I know that it is. Cheating is painful; sharing something like this together is growth. It may seem to be an odd assumption, but perhaps if more couples opened their minds to it, then painful separations would diminish. Who knows, it all depends on the mindset and maturity of the relationship itself.

I stopped as the driver opened the door for me. The man holding my hand stepped aside so that I could get into the car first. We may be strangers, but his gentleman-like nature was a turn on to me. Even if it was to only get me to do whatever it was he had in mind for us. I placed my hands on the cool black leather to each side of me and then
she
crawled into the car and I had to move over. He got in on the other side of me and I was sandwiched in between the two of them. She sat there very quiet, her cool skin almost matching that of the car seat itself and she leaned over into my ear and started to speak to me in French. The words eluded me, but the emotion behind them did not. I closed my eyes as her words flowed and sounded like a siren's song. Lips touched mine, a tongue slipped in and melded with my own. I tasted something sweet, firing up my senses and my heartbeat sped up once again. I felt a hand to my neck and one to my wrist. Everything blurred and time seemed to shoot ahead and then behind me. I felt something burning, but it matched a rising pleasure. A mouth at my clit, licking slowly and another at my breast, cupping it with some aggression. I welcomed them both as they ravaged me, took me to places I had never been. A threesome was not even on my mind, but being caught up in one was intoxicating.

He leaned into my ear and started to whisper to me, “Come.” And I did, not once but a few times, until they exhausted me and I fell asleep.

I suddenly woke up in the car alone, lying on the back seat and dead to the world, or so it would seem. I tried to focus, but everything was a bit blurry. My wrist ached and I turned it to see that there was a small amount of blood on it. I ran my fingertip over the two small cuts and hissed. It looked to be a bite, or so I would guess. 

I sat up and saw a blinding light in front of me. I blinked a few times and then lifted my hand to shield my eyes. Suddenly it struck me that the light was not friendly, and the noise was that of a train. I reached over and jerked on the door handle and nothing happened. I slid to the other side and tried again, panic starting to settle in, but with no luck. I dug my fingernails into the seat as the light barreled towards me, bringing with it a terrible noise. I reached up and grabbed the driver’s shoulder only to see him fall over onto the front seat. I pulled my hand back to see blood on it and it was then, at the last possible moment, the door opened and a hand jerked me out and away from the car as the train hit it and drove it in a mangled mass down the tracks. I looked up to see the man who had been paired with me on the rooftop. My heart was beating so hard in my chest I felt as if I may pass out, but he pulled me along with him, away from the accident and towards train cars sitting still along more train tracks. He climbed up a small ladder and jerked the long, heavy door open and then reached down to me as I looked up and saw lights in the sky. The wind picked up and blew my hair up around my face as I heard sirens in the distance and decided to take his offering of escape. He pulled me up and into the empty train car as I fell to my knees and he crawled in behind me.

I looked back as he stood up and stared at me on all fours. I rolled my eyes. This was NOT what I had in mind at all. I am not hell-bent on dying, I was simply out to fuck and be fucked. Not to wake up on a train track about to die with a dead man in the car. I pushed myself up to my feet and reached up to pull my mask off, but he came to me very quickly and pulled my hand down. He kissed my fingers as the noises outside became louder and louder, lights flashing through the cracks in the old wood. I could hear voices calling out, to see if anyone was there, but he parted his lips and slipped my fingers inside of his mouth as his tongue played with them. He bit down, not too hard, but just enough that I hissed as I watched him. I could not take my eyes from his as the light would crisscross over his face and light them up. He was still beautiful, even after this bizarre awakening.

“I have to go,” I said to him as he continued to suck at my fingers. He said nothing back to me and despite the confusion, I was compelled to watch him. He pulled my fingers from his mouth and left it slightly open as my own lips started to hum in anticipation of tasting him. He looked sweet, like a treat you could only indulge once in a while, but I was ready, regardless of having questions as to what happened. I guess that was part of the lure, the
not
knowing him or what was truly happening that drove me to lean up and press my lips against his own. I pulled back, an inch from his sweet lips, my eyes now closed.