Authors: S.B. Alexander
Sweetest Kill
The
Sweetest Kill
By:
Shannon Alexander
S.B.
Alexander© Copyright 2014
This is a work
of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of
the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to
actual persons, alive or dead is entirely coincidental.
No part of
this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced to a retrieval
system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical,
photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the prior written permission of
the author, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review.
Song titles
and quotes used without permission
“Hearts can break. Yes, hearts can break.
Sometimes I think it would be better if we died when they did, but we don't.”
-Stephen King,
Hearts in Atlantis
One
I grew up in a house
where God ruled everything we did. We ate, we prayed we breathed the word of
our Lord and Savior.
Our parents Tom and
Mary Taylor were hardcore Jesus freaks. That’s not an insult to any of you who
believe in God. No way, but my brother and I grew up in a life where we were
constantly being told how all of our ‘normal’ moments were somehow blessings
from God, and our ‘mistakes’ made us abominations.
You see my older
brother Jaxon and I were the children of a youth minister and Susie Homemaker.
My mom was wonderful when we were little, but over time she became almost
brainwashed…My dad… Well he can be a bit overkill with the word of God.
My brother Jaxon and I
were very close growing up. We lived in Southern California, where we didn’t
have to worry about cold winters, so we spend the majority of our days out and
about, as far from our father as we could get. Neither of us really believed in
God. We didn’t want to listen to the preaching day in and day out. Jaxon and I
were best friends, we made our lives work.
Until we entered high
school.
Jaxon was always a
looker, that’s what mom and Grandma Smith always called him. He was tall, he
had enough muscle from playing sports and he had these gorgeous green eyes that
he got from our dad. This pretty much sealed his hand in the girl department
throughout middle school and into high school.
He was athletic, smart
like I was and girls would throw themselves at him. He didn’t mind, but it made
my dad crazy. He always yelled at Jaxon for taking part in sex before marriage.
Telling Jaxon that God would never approve. Jaxon didn’t care about that. He
made it a point to flaunt his sexual activity.
I should point out,
that my dad was never really physically abusive, just exhausting and degrading
in some ways. I don’t know that he was doing any of it to be mean, but these
were his beliefs and Jaxon and I didn’t really share them. Dad knew this, and
although he didn’t use his fists, his words hurt us. He would bring home
children from his youth groups and take them fishing and tell them in front us
how he wished he had not been tested with “evil” for children.
He didn’t know or care
that it pushed us away. It just got worse.
Jaxon dated a girl,
Ashley for a few weeks his senior year in high school. I was becoming a junior,
having skipped a grade in middle school. Ashley was pretty enough, but she
isn’t what I would consider beautiful. She had dirty blonde hair, brown eyes
and a slightly thin frame.
I didn’t really like
her, she wasn’t around often, and when she was she was rude to me, telling me
to stop hogging my brother like a dog. The looks she gave my brother were odd
and bothered me the most. She was in love with him. All the girls were. But
Ashley had a look about her that told me she would do anything to keep Jaxon
and the social status that came with being with someone like him.
She didn’t come from
the ‘right’ side of the tracks. She came from a rich family, not that that was
any reason for her to behave the way that she did. Her social status however
was poor, her dad was a known drug pusher, and her mother was rumored to be a
prostitute. Her family as a whole didn’t have much respect, but they waved the
green and people closed their mouths.
Ashley was also into
drugs. Jaxon didn’t know that until after he started dating her and when he
found out he dumped her right away.
Only that was when
Ashley chose to tell Jaxon that she was two months pregnant.
They had been sleeping
together several weeks prior to starting to officially date. Jaxon didn’t ask
girls out, but there were rumors about him and Ashley going around, rumors that
called her really bad names and Jaxon felt sorry for her. His attempt at ‘saving’
her rep only cost him his.
Of course with a baby
on the way and a girl with a drug problem, he realized most of the rumors about
her were true just a little too late.
Ashley was sent to a
rehab program when she was 6 months pregnant. She returned a few months later,
two months before graduation, and she was 8 months pregnant. Jaxon dropped out
of school to get a job. Ashley made it clear she would not be keeping the baby,
and Jaxon refused adoption. Even though Ashley was not happy about him keeping
their child.
He didn’t have a
problem being a father. My dad however, had a huge problem with it. He told
Jaxon that if he decided to father this child, without marrying Ashley that he
would not be welcome in his home.
Jaxon took money out of
his savings from Grandma and Grandpa Smith and got his own place. He ended up
getting a great job at our Gym teacher Mr. Erickson’s, family car dealership.
Jaxon started making decent money right off the bat, he was good at what he was
doing and it allowed him to save the majority of his savings for baby stuff.
He offered to let me
move in with him. I wanted to finish school though. Jaxon and I had been going
to private school our whole lives, and although part of me wanted to follow my
brother and be free of the bible man, I didn’t want to leave all my friends
just yet.
It was hard at first,
mom and I would visit Jaxon often. When Ashley had the baby, we were there.
Jaxon named her Josslyn Olivia, which made me cry. He told me I was the most
amazing woman he knew so it only made sense that his daughter would be named
after her aunt.
After that mom wasn’t
allowed to come out any more. Dad put his foot down and told her that she
couldn’t be condoning behavior like that and she didn’t argue. At all.
The truth was I loved
my mom, but I lost a lot of respect for her the day she chose to turn her back
on her granddaughter and her son. It wasn’t out of hate, dad I think loved
Josslyn too, he kept a picture of her in his wallet that I would see each time
he pulled it out. But it was almost like he was afraid of being considered a
hypocrite if he and his wife were seen supporting their son who had a child out
of wedlock and didn’t finish high school. Image was everything to him.
My dad’s desire to be a
good dad was over shadowed by his need to be this valued religious man. He
cared more about what God might think, that he cast us all aside. I knew in his
own way he loved us but it wasn’t enough. He didn’t try and talk to Jaxon, he
didn’t try and ask questions.
It was around this time
that I chose to sit down with mom and dad and tell them I was moving in with
Jaxon and Joss. I explained that I loved them very much, and I would miss my
school, but Jaxon needed help. The baby was only 2 weeks old and he had to
return to work at the end of the month. He needed someone to stay with her. I
did some research and found an online school that would allow me to finish my
high school diploma, and they were able to connect directly with my current school,
so I could take final tests at the school under the Head Masters supervision.
Dad wasn’t happy
That was really it. No
one fought me.
The next day, as I was
packing up my stuff, dad was ranting through the house saying that we didn’t
respect him as man of the house. That God gave us everything and we were fools
to throw it away.
My respect for dad
didn’t die, it just kind of… faded. Then again, I think it had always been
doing that. Fading, melting into nothing.
Jaxon was beyond
excited to have me moving in with them.
As for Ashley, she
signed over her parental rights. They had to go to court a few times, Ashley
had to have psychological evaluation done to prove that she was making the
choice for the right reasons and not under the duress of something like
Post-Partum, but everything came back clear and on Joss’s one month ‘birthday’
she became all Jaxon’s.
Josslyn was an easy
baby. Jaxon and I fell into a really easy pattern of taking care of her. She
didn’t wake up more than twice a night to feed, so he took those. If he was too
tired one night, he would wake me up and I would gladly sit up and feed her.
She didn’t cry a whole
lot. In fact she was probably one of the happiest babies I had ever seen. It
made being an 18 year old stand in mom/aunt pretty much awesome.
I loved her, and she
loved me. As she got a bit older she would prefer me over Jaxon sometimes, and
he didn’t mind that. He was always telling me how thankful he was for all of my
help and support. But really what else did he expect? Jaxon and I were really
all the other had. We had awesome grandparents but they moved to Florida years
ago, so outside of mom and dad we were it.
Jaxon use to always
tell me “whatever man ends up with you, he’s going to know he’s the luckiest
man alive every single day from the day he first meets you. You are a rare one
Liv, you and Joss are the only signs I have ever had that actually God exists.”
I always held hope that
he was right.
Two
My senior year was
pretty much a blur.
My friends from school
didn’t stick around. Except for Alexis. She had been my best friend since we
were little girls. The others didn’t understand why I was doing what I was
doing. They didn’t understand why I would give up my freedom to take care of my
brother’s baby.
They didn’t understand
family I guess.
I went to see my mom
every other week for the afternoon. Usually when dad was getting his sermon
ready for his youth group. She and I would sit and have tea, I would tell her
all about Josslyn trying a new food, or her odd attempts to crawl.
Mom would offer me
advice, and I would take most of it. She raised two kids, I figured it made her
feel like she was still a part of it all.
I never took her advice
about dad however.
I figured when he would
learn to let go and accept Jaxon, I would do the same for him.
Jaxon was different
about the dad thing though. He was always urging me to talk to mom and dad. He
would tell me to go over for dinner. I always refused.
After a while he
stopped pushing it.
He didn’t force me to
invite them to graduation.
But Jaxon and Joss were
in the front row, clapping for me as I received my diploma
Jaxon and Joss were
there when I made the choice to not go to college, a huge decision for me.
Jaxon was stern and asked me to re-consider, but when I shared with him what I
really wanted to do he told me he supported me 100%