Swept Away (24 page)

“So, Carson is there? Now?” Lily was confused. Until she realized that Cody had taken his brother’s place. He must have found out about Carson’s plans and that was what set him off.

“Yeah, he’s out on the river right now, making final preparations for our first trip tomorrow. He’ll be out of touch for five days. Did you want me to send a message to him?”

“No, that’s okay. I’m glad to know he’s arrived. He hadn’t checked in with his brother, so I wanted to follow up.” Lily hoped she didn’t sound too flustered. “Thank you.”

She hung up, relieved Cody was safe, but wondered how to tell Carson that Cody was pretending to be him. It could make the tension between the two brothers even worse.

How much worse could it be, though, than the two of them fighting, drawing blood? They’d both been so angry. And she’d never been so scared.

She hoped finding out that Cody was alive and well would make up for the fact that he was off on the adventure Carson was supposed to have taken.

Would he be relieved? Would not having to worry about his brother’s whereabouts bring him back to her? The past few days had been miserable. He’d barely spoken to her, only when necessary to conduct business. She wondered if he’d eaten much since the breakfast they’d shared. It seemed a lifetime ago, when for one brief moment, Lily had been perfectly happy. If only it could have lasted a little longer.

Sure, she’d been ready for a separation, but it was to be a physical one. A temporary one. She’d been prepared to miss him while he was off finding himself in the desert. She wasn’t prepared to miss him when he was in the same room.

At least she now knew where Cody was. Hopefully the knowledge would bring Carson back from where he’d shut himself up, hiding from her. Hiding from what they had.

She found him just outside the office, not far from where he had Cody had fought.

Please, let everything be all right
.

* * * *

“Good news.” Lily came up behind him and placed her hand on his arm, offering comfort he didn’t deserve. “Cody is there.”

“Where?”

“I talked to the gal at Epic. She said he got there Saturday.” Lily sounded excited. Happy. Like everything was going to be just fine. “He’s out on the river so he won’t be able to call for five days. But he’s safe. He took your place.”

“But how did he…?” Cody must have found out about his plans. Somehow. “Did you tell him?”

“No. Of course not.” Lily’s smile faded with the accusation. “He must have found out some other way. But that’s not important. The important thing is that we know where he is.”

“Right.”

“I’m sorry you didn’t get to go.” Lily touched him again. Her touch was so gentle. So caring. So undeserved.

“I shouldn’t have made the plans in the first place. I shouldn’t have kept it from him.” Carson stepped away. He couldn’t let her touch him. He couldn’t take her comfort. “I meant to tell him the day we met, but I got sidetracked.”

“I’m sorry for that,” Lily said.

“No. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the one who should be sorry. I messed everything up.”

“Carson. Don’t” Lily’s voice was soft. Gentle. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to separate from Cody. I think he wants it too. That’s why he left.” She sighed. “Yeah, you should have talked about it. But you’re both so…so…
male
. You couldn’t say anything. So you fought. When he gets back, you’ll make up. And everything will be fine.”

“Everything will not be fine.” How could she think that? Even as kids they’d never fought like that. Had never gotten physical to the point of drawing blood. “I’ve screwed everything up. Cody’s not speaking to me, which is fine. But he’s not speaking to Fisher either.”

“He’ll come around.” Lily’s confidence was unnerving. “He just thought she was on your side by breaking up the fight. He’ll realize she was only trying to help.”

“I think I broke his nose.” Carson flexed his right hand, the memory still fresh in his mind. “I heard a distinct crunch.”

“Then it will be easier for everyone to tell the two of you apart.” Lily smiled, trying to relieve the tension. Trying to get him to smile.

“You didn’t sleep with him.” How could he even have thought that?

“No. Of course not.” Her voice was soft. Understanding. Forgiving.

“Well, then I truly am an asshole.”

“No, you’re not.” She reached for him.

“Yes. I am.” Carson pulled away. “I don’t understand why you’re still here.”

“You need me.” She stood close to him, close but not touching. It was like she knew if he let her touch him, he’d be sunk. Unable to walk away.

“You could do better.” Couldn’t she see that?

“I disagree.”

“Look, I appreciate all you’ve done.” Why wasn’t she running for the hills? Or the valley? She was so smart and talented and faithful.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’ll understand.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” she repeated.

“You can give yourself vacation pay or whatever.” Couldn’t she see that he would only hurt her?

“I’m not leaving.” He could hear the frustration in her voice as Lily turned to go back into the office. “You’ll just have to deal with that.”

He could deal with her leaving. He knew all about being left behind. He considered himself something of an expert. He didn’t have any idea how to deal with her loving him. Standing by him. Continuing to come in and put their issues aside so their business could keep running.

No. It wasn’t their business. It was his business. And he’d be sunk without her. She’d saved him more than once. And he’d repaid her with jealousy. Accusations. And by shutting her out.

* * * *

Fisher declared an emergency girls’ night after finding out that Cody was safe and sound and offering his services on another river. She’d expressed both relief and anger, along with a need to blow off some steam and discuss what it was about men that drove all women crazy.

Lily offered to drive, she didn’t feel like drinking much tonight anyway.

“I can’t believe him.” Fisher drained her beer in three swallows. “Where does he get off worrying everyone like that?” She turned her head to look for the waitress.

“Here, have mine.” Beer just didn’t taste very good to Lily for some reason.

“Thanks.” Fisher took the glass from Lily and gulped down almost half of the drink. “I could just strangle him. He picks a fight, gets his ass kicked. I mean, did he honestly not see that you and Carson are together?”

“
Were
together.” Lily reached for her water glass, and her stomach pitched at the realization that it was over. Even though he no longer thought she’d slept with Cody, he still blamed her for the fight.

“Oh, no. What happened?” Fisher set her glass down and reached across the table to pat Lily’s hand.

“He accused me of sleeping with Cody.”

Fisher shook her head. “Men can be such idiots.”

“Then, when I told him I found Cody, he acted like he expected me to quit.” The nausea flashed again, stronger this time. Lily grabbed a handful of pretzels and nibbled on them. “Like I could abandon him right now.”

“His own brother did.”

“Still.” Lily felt a little better. Maybe she should have ordered a salad instead of a steak sandwich. The thought of red meat right now… “How could he think that after all we’ve been through, after I told him I loved him, that I could just leave?”

“His father left.” Fisher reminded her. “When they were most helpless, the one person they had left, just abandoned them.”

“I know. But how could he think that I would? That I could…” It became so clear. “Of course, he’s never loved anyone who hasn’t left him. First his mother, who died when he was born. Then his father. Even his grandparents.”

“At least they had each other.” Fisher said wistfully.

“Until I came along.” Lily couldn’t believe she’d caused a fight between the two of them. “I never meant to hurt Carson. Or Cody.” She just wanted to love him. She wanted to love Carson and take care of him and instead she’d ruined his relationship with Cody.

“I know that.” Fisher took another sip of Lily’s beer. “You know that. Too bad they can’t see it.”

The waitress arrived with their food. Lily managed to pick at her sandwich, nibble on a few fries, but she’d lost her appetite. Heartbreak could be a real bummer.

“So what are you going to do?” Fisher had finished her meal and was sipping on her third beer.

“I guess I’ll just have to wait him out.” Lily couldn’t see any other way. She’d pushed him into this relationship. Maybe before he was ready. She wasn’t going to push him again. “I’ll just have to show him that I won’t give up on him. On us. But I’m not going to ask for more than he can give.”

“I wonder if the same strategy would work for me?” Fisher was sounding a little tipsy. “Or maybe I should just jump Cody when he gets back.”

“I don’t know,” Lily said. “I really don’t know. But hey, you’ve got six weeks to think about it.”

“Six weeks?” Fisher sighed. “I wonder if he’ll miss me.”

“I’m sure he does.” Lily waited for Fisher to finish her drink, and then they paid the bill and walked out to Lily’s car.

“You know, next time we should invite Brooke.” Fisher slid into Lily’s front seat. “She seems pretty cool.”

“Yeah. I like her.” Lily turned the key in the ignition. “It’s a good thing they hired those three new guides. We’d have been in trouble this weekend without them.”

“I still can’t believe Cody just took off like that,” Fisher said. “And that fight. Wasn’t that something awful?”

“It was awful.” Just thinking about the blood—the rage—made Lily’s stomach lurch. She took slow, deep breaths to steady herself.

“But you know, I think it was a long time coming.” Fisher leaned her head back against the seat. “Wow, is this leather? It’s so soft.”

“Yes, it’s leather.” Lily hoped Fisher wouldn’t be sick. She wasn’t as worried about her seats as she was in it starting a chain reaction. “Why do you say that? About the fight?”

“Oh, you know, it’s not good for things to back up like that.” Fisher let her eyes flutter closed. “They’ve been ready for something like this for a long time. It’s like they just needed something to come along and shake things up.”

“I shook things up all right.” Lily gripped the steering wheel. She recalled the blood, mostly from Cody’s nose, but Carson’s lip, too. The nausea returned, but milder this time. She was glad she’d forced herself to eat at least half of her sandwich. The rest she’d have for lunch tomorrow.

“Hey, thanks for driving,” Fisher said once they were almost back to camp.

“No problem.”

“I’m just so glad Cody’s okay.” Fisher sounded almost like she’d been crying. “The stupid jerk.”

“I’m glad he’s okay, too.” Poor Fisher. Cody had hurt her almost as much as he’d hurt Carson.

“I’m still mad at him, though.”

“Me too.”

“I’m glad you’re here, though.” Fisher sat up straight. Wiped her eyes. “It’s nice to have a friend who isn’t Cody.”

“I’m glad we’ve become friends, too.” Lily meant every word. “I don’t think I could get through these next few weeks without you.”

“Me either.”

“I don’t think Carson will let me back in until Cody returns.” Lily knew even then it might be too late.

“Into the office?” Fisher asked.

“Into his heart.”

“You know, I think you’re right.” Fisher shook her head in sympathy. “Cody has to accept that you’re together before Carson will accept it.”

“He won’t let me love him if he thinks Cody will be hurt.” Lily felt her chest constrict at the realization that Carson might pick Cody over her. Over them.

“Cody will be hurt,” Fisher said. “He didn’t start that fight because he knew he’d lost you.”

“No?”

“No.” Fisher grabbed the door handle, but didn’t open it. “He wasn’t fighting for you, he was fighting for Carson.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.”

“Well, it’s a good thing we’re women,” Fisher said before exiting the car. “We’re strong enough to fight for what we’re afraid of.”

As the days flew by, Cody still hadn’t called or picked up his phone. Lily was determined to hold everything together but it wasn’t easy with Carson still shutting her out. It was as if he was just waiting for her to walk out on him one of these days. Man, he was being stubborn. What he didn’t know was that she could be just as stubborn. Like Fisher had said, she was strong enough to fight. She believed in Carson. Even when—no, especially when—he didn’t believe in himself.

He was hurting. Even though he no longer had the worry of not knowing where Cody was, he was still crushed by his brother’s disappearance. Carson still wouldn’t let her help him. He kept her at a distance that, although painful, also made her that much more determined to wait him out. He needed her—he wouldn’t admit it, but he did.

So, she continued to show up. To be there. To prove to him that she wasn’t going to let him down. Every other person he’d ever depended on had let him down. But she wouldn’t. She couldn’t.

“Lily.” Carson nodded as he slipped into the office about twenty minutes after she’d arrived. His lips curved into a slight smile. Progress. His shoulders looked a little looser, too. He was still a man in need of a good massage. And then some. But she had to be patient. She couldn’t pressure him. She couldn’t add to his burden.

But damn, she missed him. She hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since the fight. Since he stopped sneaking into her bed. She’d been feeling the effects of more than sleep deprivation. She had basically put the rest of her life on hold, including her appointment at the fertility clinic.

Lily hadn’t had much of an appetite either. She’d had to force herself to eat her oatmeal this morning. And she was too upset to even think about making herself a cup of coffee. It reminded her too much of all the mornings Carson had made her coffee before slipping out the door.

She watched him work, his brows furrowed, his shoulders hunched over the keyboard. Lily couldn’t stand it anymore. She had to reach out to him. Had to touch him. She pushed her chair back, stood, and walked around the desk. She was two steps from him when she felt another wave of nausea. She’d been fighting this queasiness for weeks, but this time was a lot worse. She felt her face flush, her hands turn clammy, and the room started to sway. Oh no, not now.