SWOLLEN: A Secret Baby Sports Romance (7 page)

“
We probably wouldn’t have even met”, he says. “I definitely wouldn’t have been able to save you from those three guys that night.”

“
You might have been able to talk them down”, I say.

“
Or confuse them with a discourse about the ethics of what they were about to do.”

“
You would have made one hell of a sexy lecturer”, I say. “I can see it now, tank top, corduroy jeans, glasses.”

“
Is that the look you go for?” he asks. “If I’d known I’d have worn something else.”

“
I’d have fucked you if you were my lecturer”, I say, “and I’d fuck you whatever clothes you put on.”

Liam smiles. “You know, I don’t think I’ve met many girls as direct as you”, he says.

“
Do you like it?”

“
You know I do. Last weekend was incredible. Even better than last year.”

“
Even though I had to leave early?” I ask, Maggie on my mind again and refusing to go away.

“
You’re a complicated woman”, he says.

“
Thank you for being understanding”, I say.

“
By the way, you look incredible tonight.”

“
You’re only saying that because of what you saw me in last week.”

“
No, seriously”, he says. “I think you are beautiful. I’d even go out on a limb and say we had a connection.”

He is right in more ways than he can imagine.

“
I’d like to get to know you more, Jasmine”, he says, his hand on my leg. “I think there could be something special between us.”

It’s only our first real date (even though we’ve fucked several times and have a baby between us he doesn’t even know about) but I agree with him. There could be something special between us. Something people spend their whole lives searching for and only very few are lucky to find.

“
Where did you go for a year?” I ask him. It comes out a little more challengingly than I mean it to, but I think it’s an important question in the grand scheme of things.

Liam lets his eyes drop to the table before they come back up to me.

“
I’m going to go full confession here”, he says. “It’s only fair.”

“
Go on.”

“
I got myself in debt a while ago, with some people you don’t want to be in debt with. After that shit with my knee I got depressed, and then-”, he looks around for a moment as if to see who might be listening and then leans in close to me before he continues, “-it’s really fucking embarrassing, but I got addicted to the pain meds they put me on.”

I sip my wine and wait for him to continue.

“
I’m clean now, I have been for almost six years, but at the time, I needed money to afford them. One thing led to another, I fell in with some bad people, I went to jail, and then I got in debt, with the only people I could find to lend me the money. Since then I’ve been paying it off.”

“
Fuck”, I say, because I don’t know what other word is appropriate right now.

“
That’s why I didn’t want to drag you into my world. That’s the full story. I fight where I can and when I can. This year I’ve been all over America and I’ve fought in some of the craziest fucking places you could imagine. As a writer, you’d love that. More importantly, I’m nearly debt free. The end of this year I’ll be out of this world forever.”

“
To start your tenure as a philosophy teacher”, I say, trying to lighten a mood that has suddenly got serious.

“
I wouldn’t go that far”, he says with a smile. “So, there you go, I’m the fucked up bad boy parents don’t want their daughters to meet. I’ve been addicted to pain meds, I’ve been in jail for robbery, I’ve swapped a potential career in football for illegal fighting rings, and at one point I was up to one hundred and fifty thousand dollars in debt to a crime organization that not only has a fondness for killing people, they like to do it by chopping their victims up into tiny pieces and throwing them out of a private plane so it takes years to collect them all.”

“
Wow”, I say.

“
So you see why I was reluctant to bring you into it.”

“
Tiny pieces?” I ask. “Out of an airplane?”

“
That’s what happened to the last guy that didn’t pay his debts. You probably saw some of it on the news. A leg found in Maryland, a hand in Ohio.”

“
What about your parents?”, I ask.

“
Yeah, no”, he says, shaking his head.

After a moment's silence, he leans in towards me to take my hand. “I’ll completely understand if you want to leave”, he says. “It’s fucked up and has nothing at all to do with you. I’m not exactly a great prospective partner.”

Try father of my child. Fuck. I don’t know how I feel. I knew about the fighting, obviously, but had no idea about the rest. What if he doesn’t pay off the debt? What if he does and they make him continue to fight anyway? What if I lose him?”

“
When you pay off what you owe, what then?” I ask, a little scared at what this means.

“
It means I’ve paid my debt and I’m free.”

“
And the fighting? Fuck, Liam, isn’t all this shit controlled by criminal organizations anyway?”

“
Not at the level I fight, no.”

I’m not entirely convinced and I think Liam sees it.

“
This is a criminal organization, but they are honest people”, he says.

“
You just told me they cut people into tiny pieces and throw them out of airplanes.”

“
If you don’t pay your debt to them”, he insists. “If you do, you are free to do whatever you want. They don’t get involved with the fights, it’s not worth the hassle for them.”

“
Fuck , Liam”, I say.

“
I know, adventure time right.”

“
This shit doesn’t scare you?” I ask.

“
There is nothing I want more than to get out of this world and start leading a normal life, believe me. I am tired of pushing people away. I nearly couldn’t with you before, and now I definitely can’t. Like I say, the ball’s in your park. If you want to leave this here, I totally understand. I’m almost out, though, I will say that, and when I am, there is nothing else I want to dedicate myself to but seeing if we work. I’ve never felt like I have with you, never even thought it was possible.”

“
Me too”, I say, reaching for his hand.

Fuck. This is typical me. Alarm bells ringing all over the place and me making a decision with my heart. And now that he’s opened up, that means that there is nothing else but for me to do the same. He needs to know about Maggie. He needs to know about the daughter that now forms part of his world and is something else massively at stake should he somehow fuck up his exit from it.

I open my mouth but the words refuse to come out. They are there, already formed, a year old, but something in the connection between my mouth and my brain is stopping them from being vocalized.

Instead, I say, “I’m going to the bathroom”, and the look Liam gives me makes me think he thinks I’m not coming back.

Liam

I’m a fuck up. I could have kept this whole thing a secret until the end of next year when the debt will be completely paid off and I’ll be a free man, but no, moral integrity decides I have to be absolutely honest.

She’s not coming back. She’ll be in the bathroom resting her head against the mirror wondering what the fuck she ever did wrong in her life to deserve me. If mercilessly smashing strangers skulls in wasn’t enough to put her off, being in debt to a crime family with a penchant for killing certainly will be.

She’s probably halfway through the window and ready to run away up the street. Fuck. The first time in what feels like forever I get a real chance to be with someone, someone I clearly have a connection with, and I have the compulsion to confess everything there is to know about myself as if doing anything else would be entirely ungentlemanly.

That, coming from a man that puts people into hospital on a regular basis. If I ever get to see her again, maybe I should tell her how I stole sweets from my local shop when I was six, or about when I put dog shit in my dad’s shoes, just in case she hasn’t made up her mind about me yet.

I’ve looked so often at the doors to the restaurant that the waiter keeps thinking I’m calling him over. Five minutes pass and nothing. I’ve finished my beer and don’t want to order another and sit here alone drinking it.

A lipstick mark around Jasmine’s wine glass is the only thing that remains of her, as though she’s been swept up suddenly by a tornado and ripped dramatically away from me.

That wouldn’t be too far from the truth. A tornado of information turning me from one thing into another.

A bare fist boxer is one thing, a bare fist ex-drug addict, in debt to the mafia is a different prospect entirely.

I’m about to give up and call the waiter over for real, when the doors to the restaurant open and Jasmine comes confidently striding back out. I almost can’t believe it, as she takes her seat again, kisses me and then pushes her hair casually away from her face as though nothing has changed between us at all.

“
Jasmine, are you okay?” I ask, worried the opposite may be true. Worried she’s come back to tell me it’s over.

“
Sorry”, she says, and my heart sinks for a moment. “That was a lot to take in, I had to take a moment. I still don’t know.”

“
Take as long as you need”, I say. “Fuck, I thought you were going to leave.”

“
I nearly did”, she says. “Fuck, Liam, this is serious.”

“
It’s under control”, I say. “I promise you. The end of this year it’ll be over.”

She doesn’t look entirely convinced, but then again, what else can I do? I’ve been honest with her, probably more honest than I needed to be, and she’s still come back. If that’s not a good sign, I don’t know what is.

Her eyes go to the table briefly and then back up to me.

“
My secret”, she says, pausing briefly to compose herself.

“
Don’t tell me you’re in debt to a mafia family as well”, I say, trying to be light-hearted.

Jasmine shakes her head. When she looks back at me she’s biting her lip and trying not to cry.

“
Jasmine, what’s wrong?” I ask, closing the gap between us immediately.

“
I tried to tell you before”, she says. “I tried to find you after that night, I went to your apartment but you had already gone. I tried, Liam.”

“
Okay”, I say, unsure of what she’s about to tell me.

“
I-”, Jasmine begins.

“
Take your time”, I insist. “There’s no rush.”

Jasmine wipes tears away from her cheeks with the heel of her palm. “You know”, she says. “She looks like you.”

I watch a tear roll slowly down her cheek to gather in the crease of a smile, and it hits me like a haymaker to the temple.

“
Fuck”, I blurt out. “Holy fuck.”

I’m on my feet before I realize it, the chair thrown behind me and tipped to the ground.

Jasmine nods, and even before she says the words I know what’s coming.

“
We have a baby”, she says, looking at my reaction as though I’m a madman.

I don’t know what to do. I spin around, I put my hands on my head, I laugh like a maniac and I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

I have a child. A her. She looks like me. Fuck.

“
I don’t know what to say.”

I really don’t know what to say. Jesus, talk about trumping my fucking story.

“
That’s what you mean by complicated?”

Jasmine nods, the tears still rolling out of her cheek.

“
Why didn’t you tell me this the other day?” I ask, a little upset that this was her second chance to do so. “What if I hadn’t called you?”

“
Sit down, Liam, please”, she asks.

I gather the chair but I can’t sit still on it. I’m a fucking dad with a capital D. Me. Liam Dougherty. Barefist boxer extraordinaire, in debt to the mafia, world’s worst dad.

“
I should have told you, but I didn’t, I’m sorry. I know it’s wrong, but I didn’t think it was fair on Maggie.”

“
Maggie?” I ask. “Oh, fuck, she has a name.”

“
Margaret Alice Cooke”, Jasmine says. “Maggie. Magpie. Maggers. Magson.”

“
Fuck.”

“
It’s real, Liam”, she says.

“
You should have told me before”, I say. “This is-. I can’t wrap my head around it.”