Tab Bennett and the Inbetween (9 page)

Francis who had apparently been on the porch the entire time knocked and quietly called my name. “Let me in,” he said. “Pop doesn’t want you to be alone.”

“Please go away.”

“Come on,” he whined. “Don’t make me sleep out here. It’s freezing.”

I don’t know, I think I was entitled to a small nervous breakdown in light of everything that had happened in the previous thirty-six hours. Was it going to make Francis’ life harder that I wanted to have it without anyone hovering around, suggesting I cheer up, or telling me that I wasn’t to blame? Sure it was. I knew that and I didn’t care.

 “I’m sorry, Francis. I can’t.”

******

An hour later the phone rang and I answered it out of habit, without even thinking.

“Look out your back door,” a familiar voice said.

“Alex? Is that you?”

I peeked out the kitchen window. There he was, leaning against the porch railing looking relaxed and perfect in a pair of jeans and a close-fitting green sweater that turned his eyes the same color as the Caribbean. His smile was radiant, stunning. The enchantment buzzed up all around me, telling me to let him in – demanding it. I reached for the doorknob and then forced myself to put my hand down.

He waved. “Can’t I come in?”

“Did Pop send you?”

He shook his head. “You know under normal circumstances he could just Appear in there whether you wanted him or not.” I hadn’t thought of that. “You’re very lucky there’s an enchantment on the cottage that makes any magic within its walls impossible. They’re all up at the Manor searching for the key.”

“What do you want?”

“Just to help you,” he said as he walked up to the window and pressed his hand against the pane. I forced myself to let the curtain drop before I jumped through the glass to get to him. When I didn’t answer he said, “I am worried about you.”

I was kind of worried about myself to be honest. “Can I tell you something?”

“You can tell me anything.”

“I’ve never felt like an orphan until now. I grew up with my sisters and cousins, taken care of by Pop, loved by Robbin. I didn’t have parents but I had family, people who loved me, and I always thought that was just as good. But I don’t have that – not really. What I have is a really dedicated staff. It’s just…a lot to take in. Let me wallow for a day or two. Okay? I’ll be fine after that, I promise.”

“You deserve at least that much. That’s why I stole Bennett’s key for you.” I pulled the curtain aside again and he held the key up to the window and then slipped it into the front pocket of his jeans. “If you open the door for me I’ll give it to you.”

I knew what would happen if he came inside, we both did. I could see the promise of it in the curve of his smile. He would make me feel better – lots better – at least for a little while. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

“I can cheer you up.”

“Maybe I want to be sad.”

“You have a right to be,” he said, suddenly solemn. “You’ve lost a great deal in the last few days. I don’t blame you for wanting to lock yourself away for a while.”

 “So far you’re the only person I know who hasn’t actively lied to me,” I admitted reluctantly. I wanted to trust someone. I need just one true thing to believe in.  I decided to put my faith in Alex.

 “I’m not going to lie to you. I’ll keep this key in my pocket. I promise I won’t use it or give it to Bennett.”

“Thank you.”

“Of course,” he said with a wink. “Your pleasure is mine.”

He walked down off the porch and disappeared into the darkness.

********

That night, I had a dream that Rivers and I were walking in the deep forest. I wasn’t afraid. She was like a beam of sunlight in the darkness, glowing, leading me by the hand the way she did when we were little. She pointed out rocks that might trip me and held back branches that would otherwise have tangled in my long, dark hair.

“I always protected you,” she said, looking back at me, her eyes big and black.  “But you didn’t protect me.”

“I didn’t know how.”

With a shrug, she continued leading me deeper and deeper into the woods. And the further we went, the less careful she became about the rocks and the branches. I stumbled and the trees lashed out and pulled at my hair and cheeks. She didn’t seem to care.

“Maybe we should go back?”

“We can only go forward from here.” Her hand was very cold in mine. Icy. “Don’t worry,” she whispered, “I’ll protect you from the monsters in this forest. Even though you didn’t protect me.”

Rivers wasn’t glowing with sunshine colored light anymore. She was pale as the moon. She was growing dimmer by the second.

“I want to go home.”

“I’m never going home,” she said.

The trees blocked out the sky.  The branches twisted together above us, seeking something that would always be out of their reach. There were birds perched on the limbs. Shiny black birds that called to each other with human voices.

home, never going home

“Hush, you silly birds,” she said. “You’ll frighten the Queen.”

frighten the queen, frighten the queen.
Their call echoed from bird to bird and branch to branch.

 “The starlings like you,” she said, looking up into the sea of glossy red eyes above us. “They don’t want the monsters to get you.”

They didn’t look friendly. Rivers didn’t look friendly either.

“Will you let the monsters to get me?” I asked.

She shrugged. “You let them get me.”

frighten the queen, frighten the queen

 “I didn’t know about them. I would have protected you if I knew.”

never going home

“That’s no excuse,” she said. “I’m still dead.”

“I’m sorry,” I cried, “I’m so sorry.”

She started backing away from me slowly. She spoke in a whisper that grew louder and louder which each word. “There are monsters in these woods. Some of They eat princesses for supper but most of They prefer to make them suffer.”

The birds took to the sky, flying around us, feathers brushing against my cheek and throat and hands. 

suffer, make them suffer

“I’m not a princess,” she whispered, “so what do you think they did to me?”

suffer

never coming home

“I’m sorry, Rivers. I’m so sorry.”

The starlings twisted around her, swirling as one, a mass of black wings and ruby eyes.

“Make them suffer,” she said. Her eyes were like the starlings’, glossy and glassy and empty, the deep color of bad blood. The birds drew close around her and then shot off – like a hundred thousand feathered arrows – into the sky.

I woke up on the sofa, alone and scared with tears streaming down my face.

********

I’d been sequestered in my cottage for four days when Robbin unlocked the door and let himself in. I’d forgotten he had a key.

I didn’t hear the door open but I knew without looking that he was standing there behind me. He cleared his throat, gently alerting me of his presence.

“I let myself in.”

“I see that.”

He seemed strangely relaxed considering the tension between us the last time we’d seen each other. I didn’t know how bad my hair looked or if I’d put on deodorant that morning. I wasn’t sure what he wanted. I couldn’t decide if I was happy he was there or not.

“So what’s up with you?” he asked, leaning back against the counter.

I shrugged. “Nothing much.” I could be casual too, if I wanted.

“Then what’s with the lockdown, babe?”

“It’s not your job to care,” I said.

The narrow kitchen suddenly felt claustrophobic. I couldn’t stand to be so close to him; I brushed past and headed for the slightly larger perimeter of personal space available in the living room. He followed right behind with no respect for my boundary issues.

“Is this about Matthew? He’s is an idiot. He’s blaming you because it’s easier to make you the bad guy than to look at where he – we – failed. He knows your sisters didn’t die so you could live. You don’t have to feel guilty for being alive.”

But I did. Who wouldn’t? I didn’t want to discuss it with him though.

“Is there anything else before you go?” I asked.

He stood there for a minute, just looking at me. Something I couldn’t place, maybe sadness, maybe not, flittered across his face and then disappeared. The smile that replaced it was big and bright and fake. “Everyone is furious at Matthew. Bennett is seriously considering giving him to the trolls.” When I didn’t laugh or even smile, he continued. “The point is that he’s in a lot of trouble for the way he acted. They all wanted you to know that. He’s sorry too. He didn’t mean any of that stuff he said.”

“Yes he did. Maybe he’s sorry he said it, but he meant it.” Of that I had no doubt. The look on his face that afternoon was one of relief—not regret.

“He’s sorry. We’re all sorry.”

“Apology accepted.” We stood looking at each other for a minute. Not sure of what to do. “Is there something else I can do for you?”

“Somehow I wasn’t expecting this to be such a mess.” He gestured between us with the same hand he’d used to illustrate the end of our relationship. “That’s stupid, right? How could this be anything but a mess? I told Bennett he shouldn’t send me.”

He hadn’t come because he was worried about me. He was following orders. I swallowed back the stab of pain that caused me. “I’ll tell him you did your best. Do you need me to sign your time card or anything?”

He looked like he was planning to say something else but apparently he thought better of it because he mumbled, “Take care,” and turned to the door.

“Wait, I want my key back.” I think the request surprised him but he reached for it without hesitation. I watched his eyes sweep the room as he worked it slowly off his key ring and set it on the table near the door. I could tell the moment he noticed the empty spaces where the pictures of us together used to hang.

“Why’d you take them down?” He picked up a silver picture frame that was laying face down on the table. It was a picture Rivers took on the day Robbin and I got engaged. In it I am smiling and holding up my ring for the camera; he is looking at me with the most amazing expression on his face. We both look deliriously happy.

“I didn’t want to look at them.”

He dropped his head into his hands, looking down at the floor. I felt bad immediately. I didn’t want to hurt Robbin; he was the last person in the world I would ever want to hurt. I had to fight the urge to rub my hands against the peach fuzz of his hair, to give and take comfort from the familiar gesture. I put my hands into the pockets of my hoodie so I wouldn’t.

“What do you want me to do?” he asked.

Run away with me. Fight with me. Die with me, if it comes to that.

But I just shrugged. “I don’t know. Nothing I guess.”

There wasn’t any noise. I wished for anything, a ticking clock, the whistle of the teakettle, anything to break the silence, to make the moment seem normal. I hated the way the air seemed so heavy. I hated the broken angle of Robbin’s shoulders. I hated the sound of my voice, so full of bitterness.

“When I saw him on the porch….” Robbin said. He shook his head, as if the memory was too painful and he was trying to force it too loosen its grip. I saw his shoulders twitch and knew that it wouldn’t.