Tainted Love (Sweetest Taboo #2) (9 page)

There was also a certain not so innocent crush I’d left behind, though I’d tried not to think about him too much during my time with Tom. It hadn’t felt right. I wondered suddenly what it would be like to see him again, and whether we’d pick up where we had left off. Whether he’d know that I’d been with someone else while I was home in California. My mind went a step further and wondered whether I should cut that off immediately, given my newly rekindled romance with Tom. There was plenty of time to think about that on the plane ride home, and once I was back in my apartment. After all, everything might have changed when I got back to school. Everything might still change once Tom and I were apart again. I needed to figure out where everyone stood before I made any critical decisions, which would undeniably affect the course of my future.

“Sweetheart,” Tom murmured, reaching out to take my hand and breaking me free of my thoughts, “I asked you a question.”

“Sorry,” I mumbled in response, trying to remember what he could have asked. “I’m just thinking forward, to going back to school. Unpacking, finding my classes…” I waved my hand vaguely, encompassing all the details that went into that particular scenario, and he smiled.

“I understand. I’ve been trying to get my head in order as well. But I asked you when you thought you’d be back. How long will I have to go before I can see you again?”

“Oh,” I paused, thinking. Traveling to California from school made for a long and pricey trip. I hadn’t made the trip very often in the past for those reasons, but I might have to revisit the frequency of my trips home now that Tom and I were back together. “Well, it costs an awful lot to fly back, and a one-way flight takes five hours, so…” I paused. I wasn’t alluding to anything, nor hinting for him to pay for my flights. This was more a way of stalling on the question. I wasn’t sure when I’d be back, and I wanted to see how things progressed between us before I made any promises.

After all, if we got in a fight next week and broke up again, I wouldn’t be rushing back to see him anytime soon.

He shrugged. “I’ll pay. Even if you can only come back for one day, it would be worth it.”

I smiled, but shook my head. “Well I won’t stop you from paying, but you know that’s not what I was asking for.” I scooted around in the booth seat to sit closer to him, cuddling up against his body, feeling his warmth next to me. “But what about you? Don’t you think you could come to see me, too? That would make sense, right? As long as we’re going to try this, we may as well both alternate trips to and from.”

He nodded, thinking it through. “I suppose you’re right. It will be easier for me to travel, now that I don’t have a wife and kids at home, and I’d love to see where you’ve been spending your time for the last year. I’ve always wanted to spend some time on the East Coast in the fall, and this is the perfect excuse. Why don’t we split up the trips?”

I grinned, despite my misgivings. It was exactly the kind of response I would have expected from him – turning a difficult situation into something positive, and adding in that he’d always wanted to do exactly that. In the end, we decided that we’d try to see each other at least once a month, with one of us flying cross-country to make the date. It would be expensive, I knew, and time consuming. Probably not very good for my grades and it would be awkward, to say the least, to take him home to my apartment. Still, Tom was right – now that we’d found each other again, I didn’t want to go too long without seeing him. The idea of leaving at all was tugging at my heart.

I knew myself well enough, though, to realize that things might change when I got back to DC. Campus, classes, and my friends had a way of making me forget the rest of the world. Particularly the world back here in California. For some reason, it was hard to keep the two worlds going at the same time.

“Let’s not book any tickets until I’m back at school,” I said quietly. “Once I’m there, and I know my schedule, I’ll be able to give you firmer dates.”

He nodded, satisfied, and we went about our last breakfast together. I put all thoughts of school out of my head and concentrated on Tom. Before long, I knew, I’d be on my way back East, and far from his side. I wanted to enjoy the few moments we had left together.

Chapter Seven - Fly Away

T
he flight back to DC felt like it was the longest I’d ever been on. I spent it alternating between reading, sleeping, and staring out the window in thought. The flight attendant came by several times, asking if I wanted something to drink, and I asked for wine every time, using my fake ID and thanking the universe that I looked a bit older than I actually was. I thought the drinks would make me feel braver, stronger, and more ready to face the world. Instead, it just made me want to cry.

The last two weeks were already starting to feel surreal, and sort of foggy, like they hadn’t actually happened. I wanted a way to hold onto them, etch them into my mind, before they disappeared entirely. I also wanted a way to feel closer to Tom, who was getting farther away every second. I took a notebook out of my bag and decided to write a letter to him. It was the way we’d communicated for so long, and now it felt like the best thing to do. I took a deep breath, trying to decide what I wanted to say, then put my pen to the paper.

    
My Dearest Tom,

     I can’t tell you how much these last two weeks have meant to me. To find you again at all, and then to find that your feelings for me haven’t changed… it’s been absolutely wonderful. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so happy. Going back to the real world is absolutely awful, and I don’t know how I’m going to handle it. Knowing that I won’t see you again until next month is killing me.

     Still, I’m so glad to have had these two weeks, and to get to know you again. If nothing else ever happened between us, I would still be glad that we had this time. To tell each other what happened, to share how we feel, if nothing else. So that we don’t go on with that terrible doubt hanging over us.

I stopped writing and frowned. That hadn’t been what I meant to say at all. In fact, reading through the letter again, I realized that it sounded more like a goodbye letter than a love letter. I crumpled the paper in my hand and stuffed it in the seatback pocket in front of me, wanting to get rid of the evidence. What on Earth was my subconscious thinking, writing a letter like that? If Tom got it, he would think I was breaking up with him! And after the weeks we’d had together!

Bending forward, I tried to start a new letter, one that expressed what I actually wanted to say. Before I could write anything, though, the pilot came over the intercom.

“Ladies and gentlemen, thanks so much for flying with us today. I know it’s been a long flight, but we’re almost in Washington. We’re about to start our descent, so I’m going to ask you to put all your seats and trays in an upright position. Ensure that all of your devices are turned off as we prepare for landing, and make sure that all carry-ons are under the seat in front of you or stowed securely in the overhead bins. We’ll be on the ground in approximately five minutes.”

I groaned. Of course now was when we had to put our things away. I’d just come up with some very sweet things to say in the new version of the letter, and I didn’t think I’d be able to hold onto those thoughts for long. I flipped the notebook closed, though, and began to stuff things back into my bag, leaving my driver’s license close to the surface. I shouldn’t need it to get out of the plane, but I’d had trouble with that sort of thing before and liked to be prepared. Sitting back, I turned toward the window to watch the ground come closer. This was one of my favorite parts of flying – that moment when you came back down to Earth, saw the airstrip coming up to meet you, while ducking down between the buildings, finally touching the tarmac. No matter where I was flying, this part brought excitement – either I was coming back home or going someplace for a visit. Either way, it was an adventure.

Of course it also brought on the nerves. Would my luggage arrive with me, or would it be lost? Would my friends be here to pick me up, or would I have to take a cab back to my apartment? I’d called my roommate, Susie, several days earlier and asked her to pick me up, and now I tried desperately to remember if I’d told her the right date and time. I finally gave it up as a lost cause and tried to think rationally. Either she’d be here or she wouldn’t. If she wasn’t, I had plenty of cash on me to take a cab, and the ride to my apartment was short enough. There was absolutely no reason to panic about it. That would just make the walk through the airport more stressful.

When I walked off the plane, and glanced around the arrival hall, I saw Susie in the first row of chairs, grinning at me. I grinned back, relieved, and stumbled toward her, toting my purse and laptop bag.

“You’re back!” she said, hugging me firmly. “I’ve missed you! How was your trip? How was home? Were your parents glad to see you? Did you do anything interesting? Aren’t you super late for your internship in DC?”

I kept quiet, letting her questions wash over me, and spoke only when they’d petered out. This was one of the things I liked best about Susie – she always had so much to say that I rarely had to add anything to our conversations. If I wanted to talk she would always listen, but if I didn’t have anything to say, that was just fine too. She was the perfect kind of friend, and we’d spent more nights than I could count staying up late, reading or studying together, or talking about nothing whatsoever.

“Yes, I enjoyed the trip. Yes, I saw my parents, and I think they were happy to see me. I missed you too, and I’m glad to be back. Yes, I’m late for the internship, which is my own fault. And finally yes, yes, yes, I did do something interesting while I was away. Now let’s go find my suitcase!”

We’d been walking toward the baggage carousels, but now she stopped at my statement, her mouth hanging open. “What? You’re going tease me with gossip and then shut me out? Come on, Izzy, out with the details!” She poked me in the ribs and I squirmed, giggling. I hadn’t decided for sure whether I was even going to tell anyone about Tom and our reunion, but if I was going to unburden myself to anybody, it would be Susie. And maybe my friend Liz, back home. Neither of them would judge me, and I thought that both would probably be happy for me. Besides, the more I thought about it, the more I felt like I needed to tell someone. Saying things out loud sometimes made them more real to me; maybe telling someone would help me figure out what I wanted to do. And maybe Susie would have some advice, or at least helpful thoughts.

I told her to wait until we were in the car, and that I’d tell her then, when I could focus on what I was saying. To my surprise, I could hardly wait to get to the car so I could start talking. We rushed into the baggage claim and found my luggage, which had indeed made the trip with me, then scrambled out to the parking lot. The exits were crowded, so I knew we’d be in traffic for a while. That was fine by me, as it meant that I’d have more time to tell Susie everything.

I started talking the minute we got into her barely used Volkswagen Golf, telling her about my history with Tom, and the relationship we had when I was in high school. I’d never told anyone in college about it, so it felt strange to be so frank and open. When I first moved back East, I’d tried to leave the whole situation behind me, along with high school. It wasn’t that I was embarrassed by it, but more like…something that was too private for public consumption, even among my closest friends. Tom and I had worked so hard to keep it a secret during high school that it had taken on that branding in my mind. Saying it out loud had seemed not only against the rules, but also too painful. It was something that he and I shared, and kept close to our hearts. Something that wasn’t supposed to see the light of day.

It had followed me, though, despite my best attempts to leave it behind, and now it was turning into something even more significant. So I was happy to get it off my chest. I went through the more important details, telling Susie about how I fell in love, what we did to spend time together, and how it progressed. I told her about France, and what I’d done there, and then about the trouble with the police. Then I told her that I’d left him to come back East, and hadn’t contacted him during the entire year.

“Heavy,” she breathed, her mouth forming a small ‘o’ of surprise. “Izzy, I never pictured you as one of those girls! I can’t believe you kept it a secret for so long! So why are you telling me now?”

I smiled. “Well, that’s the fresh gossip I have for you. While I was home…” I sketched through the call from Vicky that led me back to the high school, and then talked about seeing Tom’s car in the parking lot. Then I went on to describe the scene with Christine and her mom, which ended, of course, with me in Tom’s arms.

“And?” she asked excitedly, pounding on the steering wheel with the heel of her hand when I paused. “What happened? This is like a romance novel, come to life! Don’t leave me hanging!”

I blushed. She was right – it was like a romance novel that had come to life, and it was all mine. What was I thinking, believing I could leave it behind? Most girls would die for this sort of love story! “And we spent the next two weeks together, at a little B&B about fifty miles from my hometown,” I said. “I lied to my parents about needing to come back to school early, and then left town. It was…amazing.” I finished lamely, omitting any details that I knew Susie would want to hear about, still unsure how much I could tell her. The rest of the story seemed so private, like it would be some sort of betrayal to Tom to tell her about it.

Susie frowned, her lips pushed out in disbelief. “That’s it? You did all that to lead up to staying in a hotel, and then just leave it at
amazing
? What the hell, Isabel?”

I sighed. I wasn’t doing the story any justice at all. The truth was, though, that those two weeks with Tom were still so fresh. I wasn’t sure how I felt about them, and I didn’t even know if I wanted to share them with anyone else. I said as much, and then added, “I am absolutely in love with him, just like when I was in high school, but I don’t know if I really want this now, you know? I don’t know if I’m ready to settle down with him. After all, I have a life here, I’m still so young, and there are so many new things going on…”