Take a Gamble (13 page)

ROE

Erica is
in a “special”
kind of mood today. She has been for almost a month now. I want to break things off with her. I want to find someone new, start fresh. If I’m going to move on with my life, I feel like I should. I think she knows that it’s coming; the end.

“Roe, can we
please
go somewhere else tonight? I don’t really want to hang out with a bunch of drunk surfers.” Her voice is incredibly annoying when she whines. It goes up a few octaves and I cringe on the inside every time.

“Sure.
Whatever. Why don’t you go and hang out with your friends and I’ll go hang out with mine. Sound good? Great. It’s settled then.” I’m being an ass and I don’t care. Normally, I would give in just to make her shut up so I don’t have to listen to her voice, but not today. Today has not been a good day for me.

Once a year.
That’s all I normally talk to her. Then she called me this morning. I thought the worst, that something had happened to Mac, but she promised me that Mac was fine. I didn’t like the way she said fine but I didn’t question her. Alexa has rules, boundaries she won’t cross, lines in the sand, whatever you want to call them.

There are questions I want to ask.
Where does Mac live? What school does she go to? Is she seeing anyone? Does she still think about me? The list could go on and on but I can’t ask these questions. It’s not allowed. Just like I’m not allowed to give Alexa any information about my life. Everything is a secret.

“What’s up
?”

“I wanted to check in and see how your trip went.
I’m going to guess you didn’t find her since I visited her last week and she didn’t mention anything.”

Something is going on.
Alexa is never this silent. If she doesn’t ask me at least three questions before I have the chance to answer even one, something is up. Now, it’s a matter of getting her to volunteer the information. She won’t tell me if I ask.

“Nope.
I didn’t find her but she was there. I missed her by less than a day.”

“Really?
How do you know?”

“I went down to the pier for a hot dog and the vendor remembered us and asked why I wasn’t with her that morning when she stopped.
I rushed back to the house but it was dark. I waited until the next day, and when I went over there I could still smell her shampoo in her room.”

I try to hide the sorrow, the defeat in my voice, but it’s there.
I don’t have to hide it with Alexa. She’s the only person who I don’t have to hide it from. She knows how I feel, how destroyed I was that summer.

“I can’t believe you just missed her.
That sucks.”

“Yeah.”
I pause, because I know that what I’m about to say next will be hard to admit to her. “Alexa, I think it might be time.”

“I know you’re not saying what I think you’re saying.
It’s not time. If anything, it’s time to fight harder, to push harder, to find her damn it. I’m sick of the two of you pining over one another. You both need to get your shit together and be together.”

“No.
I think it’s time. It’s been four years, Alexa. I need to start living my life again. Everything has revolved around her since she left me and I’m okay with that, but now…well, now I need to start living for me again. I need to move on.”

“No you don’t
damn it
.” Alexa is yelling at me. She never yells. “She’s getting married for God’s sake and she doesn’t love him. She’s never loved him. It’s always been you. It should be you!”

She’s getting married.
I can’t believe Alexa told me that. I can’t believe Mac’s getting married. She’s not supposed to tell me things like this, personal things about Mac’s life. It was part of our deal, her deal anyway.

“What do you expect me to do about it, Alexa?”

“I expect you to fight harder, to find her. You are so close to finding her and you don’t even know it.”

“Then tell me.
Break your damn rules and tell me! Otherwise, let her get married and live happily ever after. Decide what you want to do, what you want me to do. Then, call me back.”

I hang up because now I’m pissed.
How in the hell does she expect me to find her without telling me where she is? It’s not fair to either of us. I can’t walk into her life now and expect her to walk away with me. Can I? No. I can’t. I won’t do that to her.

My phone rings.
It’s Alexa calling back. I don’t’ want to answer it. I don’t want to hear her voice right now. I can’t handle any more information. I need to process the things she’s already told me.

“Don’t say anything, just listen to me for a minute.
I need to process the things you’ve already told me and I can’t do that if you feed me more information. When I came home from Myrtle Beach this summer I had decided to move on with my life, to let her go. I hadn’t found her and I figured I probably never would. Now she’s getting married and it sounds to me like you are hoping that I break up the wedding. Well, that’s not going to happen. Not intentionally. I will not plan to ruin her day. So, no more information for right now. I can’t take it. I’m going to hang up. I will call you when I’m ready to talk.”

I take a deep breath and listen, in case she has something to say.
I hear her sigh and then the line goes dead. She gets it. Thank goodness for small miracles.

“Roe.”
Erica’s overly annoying voice brings me back to my present hell. “I want to hang out with you tonight, not a bunch of other people. Can’t we do something, just the two of us?”

“Sure.” I say, giving in.

School’s back in session and
I couldn’t be happier. It’s a welcome distraction from everything else that’s been going on. Erica is on my last nerve. I’ve been contemplating calling Alexa back but I don’t really want to know if Mac’s gotten married yet or not.

If she has, it will break me.
If she hasn’t it will break my resolve to leave her alone and let her find happiness. I’m torn. I want to know, for my sanity, but at the same time I don’t.

I throw myself into my classes.
I’ve always loved this school. Stanford was my dream school and when I got in, I couldn’t have been happier. They have one of the best law school programs in the state and it was important to me to stay in California.

At first, before I met Mac, I wanted to stay in California so I could stay within driving distance of home, in case Sara needed me.
Then, after Mac, it just in case she came looking for me. Neither is important now. Sara doesn’t need me like I thought she would. She’s independent, a lot more like my mother these days. And Mac, well she never came looking for me as far as I know.

It doesn’t matter.
I love Stanford and don’t regret my decision. The school is everything I was looking for. Not to mention, the Bay area is a beautiful place to live.

Erica is pressuring me to go to
the opening football game this Saturday night. I’ve never been to a game. I’m not much for big events like that, but we are playing Berkeley this weekend, and it’s expected to be one of the biggest games of the year. Plus, I’m trying to be a good boyfriend these days.

Erica and I made our relationship official a few weeks ago.
It’s part of me moving on. She doesn’t know that. She thinks…well, I’m not exactly sure what she thinks, but she has to know that I’m not in love with her. She’s said the words to me but I’ve never said them back. I don’t want to send mixed signals, any more than I already am.

I give in to her pleading and agree to go to the game.
She does that thing where she bounces up and down and her boobs jiggle. I’m starting to think she knows how much I enjoy watching her boobs jiggle. It always leads up to the bedroom anytime she does it. I guess I get rewarded for giving in. I’m fine with that.

So, now I’m waiting on Erica.
She was supposed to be ready fifteen minutes ago. The game is starting soon and I’m sure parking is going to be a mess. She needs to hurry the hell up. I was hoping to grab some food beforehand but I guess I’ll grab something at the game.

A
s that thought crosses my mind, Erica joins me in her living room. She’s dressed for a party, not a football game. I shake my head at her outfit but she doesn’t notice. I would say something but it would mean waiting another hour for her to change.

“Ready?”
I ask.

“Yep.
Let’s go before all the good parking spots are taken. I don’t want to have to trek too far in these boots. My feet will start to hurt.”

Maybe you should change them then?
I want to say it. It’s on the tip of my tongue but I hold back.

We ride to the game in silence.
It takes up a while to find a place to park and it’s about as far from the entrance as possible. Ii laugh to myself as Erica huffs when I pull into our spot. She doesn’t say anything, but I can tell she’s not happy about it. I don’t care. I didn’t see anything closer and I was sick of driving around.

As soon as we’re through the gates I head to the
concession stand for some food. My stomach is growling at me but nothing looks even remotely appealing. I opt for a cup of coffee and grab one for Erica as well. I turn to find that she’s not standing where I left her.

I start walking around, searching the crowd for
Erica when I see her. She’s standing alone, looking around for someone. I almost drop the coffee I’m so stunned to see her. She looks beautiful, just like the last time I saw her.

I’m starting to regret wearing my Stanford sweatshirt.
It’s chilly out today and my arms are covered in goose bumps, but I’m sweating just thinking about talking to her. I’m nervous. This was not planned. I have no idea what I’m going to say to her. I never thought I would find her.

I take a step in her direction, never taking my eyes off of her.
She turns towards me and our eyes meet for the first time. I see the surprise on her face. I see the uncertainty. I try to smile at her, but I can’t seem to close my jaw. My mouth dropped open at some point, probably from the shock of seeing her.

I watch as some douchebag walks up behind her and places his
hand on the small of her back. Oh hell no! No one should be touching her but me.
Shit!
That’s probably her fiancé. I don’t care. I have to talk to her. This might be the only chance I get.

He says something to her but she ignores him.
She doesn’t break eye contact with me. Then, Erica steps in front of me and blocks her from my view. Without thinking about it, I hand her both of our coffees and step around her. I take a few steps toward Mac and don’t stop until I’m standing right in front of her.

“You need to back the fuck up,” douchebag says from behind her as he pulls her away from me.
Mac’s eyes have left mine, they’re staring at my chest and she’s frowning. I don’t like that she’s frowning.

I know how to chan
ge that. I reach down and place my hand under her chin. When her eyes meet mine I feel her body shiver. I can’t help but smile at the affect I still have on her. God knows she still affects me.

“Mac
.” I can’t control the way my voice says her name. It’s barely audible, coming out on a breath.