Take a Gamble (6 page)

I watch as he lays the blanket down on the sand and sits before helping me sit.
I take a seat next to him and rest my head on his shoulder. I’m not sure how this is supposed to happen, how it gets started, but I’m pretty sure that Roe knows. I’m going to let him take the lead on this.

“Mac.
I want to tell you something before anything happens.”

“Okay.”

There’s a long silence. I can almost hear the wheels turning. For a moment, I think maybe he’s not going to say anything or that whatever he has to say is going to be bad. Then he takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “My parents named me Monroe because I was supposed to be a girl. My name was going to be Marilyn Monroe Gamble. My mom was a huge Marilyn Monroe fan. I know it sounds stupid and I hate it.”

“Roe.
It is stupid,” I say, trying to contain my laugh.

“Gee
, thanks.”

“I’m sorry but there is nothing
to be ashamed about. So your mom is a little different. Big deal.”

“It’s not that.
My middle name is what sucks. I’m going to change it as soon as I turn eighteen. My middle name is Lynn. It’s like my mom didn’t give it up when they found out I was a boy.”

I sit quietly for a minute.
I don’t want him to think that I care one way or the other what his middle name is but it obviously matters to him. When I chance a glance in his direction he’s picking at his nails nervously.

“Roe.
There is something I want to tell you, too.”

He makes eye contact with me and you can see the surprise.
“Okay.”

“I’m not sure why…
well, I am but…well, I guess that I…” I break eye contact and pause to take a deep breath. Roe slides his fingers between mine and gently squeezes, giving me the strength I need. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

He didn’t even hesitate. I look up and his eyes are filled with love. I can’t even believe it. I knew we were both feeling something but I never imagined that it could be love this quickly. Maybe Alexa was right. All her overanalyzing was accurate. When you know, you know. Love knows no boundaries. There is no rhyme or reason to when or where or why you fall in love. When you do, you do. No one can make it happen it just happens.

“Make love to me?”
I meant to sound certain but it came out as a question.

“After you tell me what’s going on.
It’s not going to change the fact that I love you, Mac.”

“No.
It won’t change the way you feel but it might break your heart and right now, I want you to show me how much you love me. I need you to show me. Then, I will tell you. I promise.”

I want to tell him.
I want him to know everything, but I also know it will break his heart. He’ll look at me differently. He may still love me. He may still want to be with me. He won’t even notice that he’s treating me differently, but he will. I’ll become fragile to him and that’s the last thing I want. Especially right now.

ROE

I didn’t miss the look
she shared with her mom at dinner. I didn’t miss the recognition. I didn’t miss the sorrow and the pain her mother was hiding behind her perfect façade. I didn’t miss any of it but I still don’t get it. I still don’t understand what the hell is going on.

I thought
maybe she would talk to me when I got her alone. That plan failed.

Then I thought maybe she would be more willing to share if I shared with her so I told her my real name.
I hate that story and I had planned on avoiding telling her as long as possible but I thought my story might work. Fail.

As soon as she told me she loved me it was like I couldn’t get the words out fast enough to tell her the same.
I do. I love her. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to show her for a few days now without coming across as a complete asshat. I knew if I slipped up and told her she might freak out. I never imagined she would be the one to say it first.

Now, against my better judgment, I am going to go along with her “plan.”
I understand what she’s asking me. I’m even a little excited about it. I know that it means something. To her. To me. To our relationship. I don’t know if I can do it conditionally.

I want her to
want
to tell me what’s wrong. It has to be something big, something serious. Why else would she not want to share with me? She’s been an open book this past week. I was sure I knew everything about her.

I’m done talking.
I want to make her happy. I want to help relieve her pain. Whatever is causing her pain can disappear momentarily while I show her how much I love her. It’s not the best idea, not the smartest decision, but it’s what she wants and all I want to do is make her smile. All I want is for her to be happy.

I gently kiss h
er as I lower us to the sand. I keep my hands on either side of her head to keep the majority of my weight off of her. Her hands roam over my body and I pull back for a moment to lift my shirt over my head.

I take my time giving Mac the chance to change her mind.
I slowly undress her and admire her naked body for much longer than I need to. I want her to remember this moment for the rest of her life. I want her first time to be special. Not because it’s her first time but because it’s with me.

Sounds from the ocean
of the waves crashing against the shore cover us in secrecy. I hear Mac breathing heavily, trying her best to be as quiet as possible. I hear my heart beating wildly. Then, without warning, I hear Mac scream out as her body clenches around me and forces me to let go.

I drop to the sand beside her and pull her to me.
She rests her head on my chest but doesn’t speak. For a moment I think that maybe she’s fallen asleep until I hear her sniffle. I feel her tears dripping onto my chest. Although I know there is nothing I can do, I run my hand up and down her back and kiss her on the top of her head hoping that at least she knows I care, that I’m not going anywhere. That’s what matters the most. She needs to know I’m not going anywhere. Not now and not after she tells me.

“Stupid question but are you alright?”

“No.”

“Is it because of what just happened?
Do you regret it?” I try to keep my panic from showing. I hope I didn’t screw this up.

“No.
It was…perfect. I want to say thank you but that doesn’t exactly seem appropriate.”

I have to laugh.
She’s so damn innocent and beautiful and perfect in every way and she doesn’t even realize it.

“You are more than welcome, Mac.
Anytime you would like a repeat performance, I will gladly audition for the part.” I lift her head to see fresh tears streaming down her cheeks but she’s also smiling at me. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Roe.
”

She pushes herself into a sitting position and starts to redress.
I follow her lead. Once we are both fully clothed I pull her onto my lap and kiss her softly on the lips, then the eyes and finally on her nose.

“Are you going to tell me what’s really going on now?
It can always wait until tomorrow or the next day or whenever. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know you’re not, but I am.
I think I need to head back to Chicago for a while.”

“I thought you were staying for the entire month?”

She can’t leave me. Not yet. I’m not ready to give her up yet. I need more time. We need more time together. Maybe I can go with her?

“I’m going to head back alone.
I’m sure my parents will get everything set up and I’ll probably leave in a few days. I’ll be back. I just don’t know when.”

“Can I come with you?”

She thinks about it for a minute and then stands. I jump up quickly and follow her to the edge of the water. She dips her toes in and it reminds me of the first time I saw her. She looks even more beautiful tonight. Maybe it’s because I know her better now. Maybe it’s because she’s glowing from what just happened between us. Either way, she’s absolutely stunning.

“I would love for you to come with me, Roe, but I don’t think it’s a good idea.
I will hopefully only be gone for a few days at most. I need to take care of a few things and then I’ll be back and hopefully we’ll have the rest of the month together.”

“Hopefully?
Why wouldn’t we? Why do you need to leave to begin with? I’m freaking out over here, Mac. I need for you to talk to me. Tell me what’s going on, please.” I’m begging and I don’t care. I need answers. All I have right now are more questions and I don’t understand what’s going on.

“I have to go back, Roe.
I’m sorry.” She pauses and when she turns to face me she’s silently crying even harder than she was before. I reach for her hand and pull her towards me into my arms. “I’m so sorry. I never thought this would happen. I’m so sorry if I hurt you.”

“Shhh.
You haven’t hurt me. What are you talking about?” I lift her chin so I can look her in the eyes. “Tell me, Mac.”

She pulls away and
peers out at the ocean again. Her body is shivering so I wrap myself around her from behind and pull her to me. I lace our fingers together over her stomach and kiss her temple. Something in her stance tells me she’s mentally preparing and my stomach drops. This is going to be much worse than I imagined. I almost tell her to forget it when she starts talking.

“
When I was 10 years old I got really sick. My parents took me to the doctor and it turned out that I had cancer. Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma to be exact. They freaked out, of course. I freaked out because I had no idea what that really meant. I immediately thought I was going to die.

“Anyway, my parents took me to doctor after doctor trying to fi
gure out what the next step was; how they were going to “save me” from the cancer. Finally, I told them to stop. I blew up at them in front of a doctor one day and they finally started to listen to the doctors. I finally got the treatment I needed.

“I
went through almost a year of chemo before I was deemed cancer-free. It was the worst year of my life. I lost all my hair. I could barely keep any food down. All I ever wanted to do was sleep. I felt like shit. The day the doctor told me I was cancer-free made it all worth it. I kicked the crap out of it. I won.”

She pauses and takes a deep breath.
The emotion in her voice makes her struggle apparent. I know what she’s going to say next and I’m devastated but I’m holding my head high and being strong for her. I can break down later.

“Every year I go back and get
x-rays to make sure there’s nothing abnormal growing inside of me. I had my last set of x-rays right before we left to come here. I got a call from the doctor’s office this afternoon that I need to come in and see the doctor.”

I wait a few beats
before I say anything. I know she’s done but I want to compose myself before I say anything.

“It’s just an appointment, right?
You don’t know anything is wrong. You just have to go in and talk with him.”

“This is the first time in
six years that he’s asked me to come in and see him after my x-rays. Normally, I get a phone call saying all is clear. So, no, I don’t know that anything is wrong.
Yet
.”

Shit!

The way she says that word – yet – without emotion, scares me more than anything else she has told me. It’s almost as if she’s trying to distance herself from everything. From me.

I wasn’t about to let her do that.
I’ve known from day one that this girl was
the
girl. Not because of something my crazy-ass grandma said to me. Not because I’ve fallen totally in love with her in less time than it takes to really get to know someone.

She is it for me because she is all that matters anymore.
She is the only thing that makes me want to wake up. She’s the last thing I think about before I go to bed at night. She’s who I dream of. She is
the
girl that I am willing to gamble everything on.