Take My Hand (27 page)

Emily

Three
days had passed
when I was reminded I had a life back home waiting for me. It was too easy to
forget with everything that was going on.

Rachel: So where’s
these daily texts you promised me Ho? Miss u like crazy x

Me: So sorry. So much
goin on right now. Dexter’s mum is dying. Miss u more xxx

Rachel: His
MUM???????

Me: REALLY long
story. I’ll try and call u soon. Can u call Chris n explain too? N tell Jared I
said hi xxx

Me: Oh n can u text
me the email address for the student advisory thingy? I need to update them on
how much more time we’re gona miss x

Rachel: Holy shit
balls. Sure thing Ho. Sounds pretty fucked up out there. Hope ur ok. Love u Ho
xxx

God I missed Rachel and Chris. Even Jared for that matter – his
warped sense of humour would be a welcome distraction right now. Things have
been so intense. Nobody laughs. Nobody cries. We’re all just sort of existing
while we wait for the inevitable to happen.

A doctor came by last night to check on Dexter’s mum and according to
him we’re talking hours instead of days now. She’s stopped waking up and this
morning she started making this really hoarse rattling sound when she breathes.
Someone is by her side at all times. Dexter and Sarah are taking it in turns to
sit with her even through the night. I go in every so often, but sometimes I
feel like I’m interfering. It’s not like I knew her in life, so I doubt she’d
want me there during her death. But late at night Dexter often asks me to sit
with him while he watches over her, so of course I wouldn’t deny him that. I
want to be there for him. All I’ve ever wanted is to support him and I’m just
so relieved he’s finally letting me.

Sarah is one of the nicest, most caring people I’ve ever met and I’ve
truly enjoyed getting to know her this past few days. She has such motherly
qualities to her – or at the least the qualities I imagine other people’s
mums have. It’s such a shame she never got to have her own babies because I
just know she’d do an amazing job. She knows exactly how to handle Dexter in
whatever mood he may be in and I hope to pick up a few of those tricks before
we leave.

I feel sad about that – about leaving her. When we’re back in
England she’ll have no one. She’s dedicated the last ten years of her life to being
her sister’s full time carer and that’s caused her to gradually lose touch with
everyone she knows. It’s not even like we can pop up and visit every other
weekend. It cost so much to get here I’m sure we wouldn’t be able to do it more
than twice a year.

“How’re you holding up, honey?” Sarah asked when I came downstairs with
some washing from the bedroom Dexter and I were sharing. How was
I
holding up? See what I mean? This
woman is completely selfless.

“I’m fine,” I answered with a smile. “Do you have any washing you want
me to do?” I asked, tossing my armful of laundry to the floor and bending down
to sort it into coloured piles.

“Give that here. I’ll do it for you.”

“No really. You have enough to do,” I replied – both because it
was true, and because I felt a little uncomfortable with her washing my dirty
knickers.

“Oh nonsense. I’ve washed enough panties in my lifetime that you don’t
need to be embarrassed about it. Give them here.” Bloody hell was I
that
easy to read? Well, I’d had my
orders so I bent down and scooped the clothes back up from the floor and passed
them to her. “Why don’t you go check on Dex and Deb while I get these in. Then
I’ll make us something to eat.” Honestly, this woman never stopped. I wondered
if she’d always been like this, or if it was her way of coping – her
distraction.

“Thanks, Sarah. I can see why Dexter loves you so much,” I admitted with
a heartfelt smile.

“Yeah, I’m pretty awesome aren’t I?” she teased.

“You really are.” Chuckling softly and shaking my head, I left Sarah to
it and made my way upstairs to find Dexter.

Dexter was in his mum’s room, lying next to her on the bed. His eyes
flitted straight to me when I opened the door and he smiled warmly before
kissing his mum’s forehead and shimmying off the bed. He stretched his arms
above his head, exposing the bottom of his perfectly toned runner’s abs as his
midnight-blue t-shirt rose slightly along with his arms.

“Hey, doll,” he greeted softly, walking over to me and holding his arms
out wide. I fell into them and nuzzled my head into his chest.

“How is she?”

“Worse. I
think
. Her
breathing’s all funny. Irregular I guess you could say. I’m struggling, doll.
I’m really fucking struggling.”

“I know you are, baby,” was all there was to say. Nothing I could do or
say would change what was happening. All I could do was comfort him the best
way I knew how. And as much as hearing how much he was hurting panged deep and
twisted inside my chest, I was also grateful that he was opening up to me. “But
I’m here. I’ll
always
be here.”

In that moment, just as Dexter was about to respond, his mum started
wheezing like she was struggling to breath. Releasing me immediately from his
embrace, Dexter catapulted towards the bed and twisted one arm under his mum’s
back, lifting her forwards and cradling her in his arms.

“Aunt Sarah!” he yelled. “Aunt Sarah get up here!”

Sarah bustled into the room within seconds and rushed straight to her
sister’s other side. I stood in the corner, frozen and useless, as I watched
the heart-breaking scene unfold in front of me. His mum’s breathing became
rapid and laboured and Dexter shushed her as he cried into her hair.

“What’s happening? What do I do?” Dexter rushed out in a panic. Slowly,
the wheezes gradually turned to slow gasps and her whole body was limp in her
son’s arms.

“You hold her, honey. It’s time. Just hold her,” Sarah answered calmly
with a quivering smile, placing her hand across the bed and onto Dexter’s
shoulder. “Emily?” She turned to me and motioned me over with a cock of her head.
Almost choking on the solid lump of nerves blocking my throat, I apprehensively
made my way over to the bed. “He needs you,” she mouthed, so only I could hear.

Unsure of what I should do to help him, I did the only thing I could
think of – I sat next to him on the bed and wrapped my body around his. I
held him, as he held his mother. I felt every shaky breath he took, every
tremble as he cried, every tear as it fell from his face and dripped onto my
arm…

We sat like this for what seemed like an eternity, but was probably a
matter of minutes in reality – the only sound was the slowing gasps
coming from his mum’s weakening body. We all watched Deborah’s crumpled face as
the faint trace of colour her cheeks held visibly drained away completely.

“I’m so sorry, mom. I love you. Please know I love you.” In that second,
she opened her eyes ever so slightly and gazed at Dexter – the slightest
hint of a smile illuminating her fragile features. Then her entire body rattled
in Dexter’s arms as she dragged in one last slow, juddering breath, before she
fell completely lifeless, clutched to his chest. “It’s over now, mom. It’s all
over.”

I tightened my grip around Dexter’s waist and buried my face in the back
of his shirt. His body shook violently as he tried hard to mask the wails that
were fighting desperately to escape. I didn’t speak. There were no words. We
stayed in that same position for who knows how long, until Sarah eventually
broke the deafening silence.

“Time to let her go, Dex,” she murmured, squeezing his arm.

“I-I can’t,” he stuttered. “I just… can’t.” Sarah gave him another few
minutes to hold his mum, rocking her back and forth and whispering muffled goodbyes
into her hair.

“Come on, honey. You need to lay her down now. Let her rest, Dex. Let her
go.” I released my firm hold on Dexter’s quaking body and watched mournfully as
he nodded despondently towards Sarah, and then lowered his mum onto the
pillows.

“The creases have gone. The pain on her face...
 
it’s… it’s not there anymore. She looks…
she looks like mom again,” he noted, tracing the grey skin of her cheek with
his thumb. “I miss you, mom. I hope you can find some happiness now.” He bent
down for the last time and placed a soft lingering kiss on her cheek before
tucking a rogue strand of her greying-brown hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry I
couldn’t protect you. Goodnight, mom.”

Dexter stood up sluggishly from the bed and began rubbing his exhausted
face with his hands. Rising to his level, I peeled them away, exposing the pain
burning bright in his eyes. I had no words that could possibly dull the ache in
his heart, so instead I opened my arms. Leaning into them, he nuzzled his face
into my neck and held me weakly around my waist. When I felt the trail of his
tears seeping sorrowfully into the crook of my neck, I cried all over again. I
cried for Dexter. I cried for Sarah. And I cried for his mum who I wished with
all my heart I could’ve known.

“I’m um… going to make the necessary calls,” Sarah whispered as she came
up behind me. I nodded once in acknowledgement and enveloped Dexter even
tighter in my arms. From the corner of my eye I saw Sarah lean over her sister,
tucking the white sheet under her chin before kissing her hair.

“Sleep well, sis.” Then she left the room – leaving us in desolate
silence, the only sound being the sniffles and weeps coming from our shivering
bodies. Glancing towards Deborah’s peaceful body I couldn’t help but smile
gratefully to her.

“Thank you,” I mouthed silently – thanking her for creating this
wonderful man cradled in my arms. I may not have known her, but I would always
love her for that. “Goodbye, Deborah,” I added, knowing not even Dexter could
hear me.

Then I continued to hold him, rocking him from side to side until his
tears began to dry.

Dexter

Today
was my mom’s funeral. It’s been four days
since we lost her. Christ, I missed her. The pain… the
guilt
swelling inside my heart was excruciating. And that’s why I
did the most selfish and reckless thing I could possibly do this morning. But
it was okay – because it was just this once. I needed something –
just a
little
something – to
help me through the day without me losing my shit completely. If I didn’t, I
just knew I’d end up running. And I won’t do that again. I promised Emily. I
love that girl more than my life and I will
never
run from her again.

So
that’s why I did it. I know what I’m doing though – I know how far I can
go. I’ve got limits that I’ve had enough damn experience to recognize and I
won’t
exceed them this time. Like I said
it’s just this once. Just for today. Just a
little…

No
one will know. I’ve got this. I’m in control.

Picking
up my cell as I straightened my black silk tie in front of the embellished
full-length mirror in Aunt Sarah’s bedroom, I scrolled through my contacts and
hit Jaxon’s number.

“Hey,
man. I need a favor…”

Emily

“
What
will you
do when we leave?” I asked Sarah while I was putting the finishing touches to
my makeup in the living room. Today was Deborah’s funeral and we planned to
stay until the end of the week but then we would have to go home –
leaving her alone.

“I don’t know, honey. I’ve not really thought that far ahead yet,” she
admitted with that loving smile of hers. “I’ll be fine though. I always am.”

“Why don’t you come back with us?” I suggested before my brain even had
time to process the idea. Dexter entered the room at that moment, returning
from the walk he took to clear his head, and his eyes lit up before he
interrupted.

“She’s right. That’s a great idea, sweet cheeks. You’d love it over
there, and we could all be together,” he beamed – seeming far too happy
for the morning of the day he was burying his mother. But I didn’t question it
– I’d missed his smile.

“I can’t just leave, Dex,” she muttered solemnly – almost as if
she regretted not being able to come with us. “I have the house, and your mom’s
affairs to sort through. Then there’s passports, and visas, and getting my
finances in order… Plus I’d need a job – they won’t just let anyone live
in their country for nothing.”

“You really haven’t been to Britain before, huh?” I said, snorting back
a laugh.

“Well after all that’s sorted then,” Dexter interjected. “You could sell
the house – sell everything. And they had midwives over there you know
– you could go back into that. Their health service is crying out for new
people all the time.”

Sarah stayed quiet for a few minutes, rubbing her thumb against her
lower lip as if she was deep in thought.

“Maybe,” she eventually muttered, nodding her head but making
eye-contact with neither of us. “I’ll think about it. Let’s just get today over
with first.”

“Well make sure you do,” Dexter replied. “’Cause I think it’s a great
idea. A fresh start for all of us.” He seemed awfully enthusiastic about the
idea and I couldn’t help but smile. It felt like so long since I’d seen such a
positive expression on his face.

He was beautiful.

“Right well, I just need to use the bathroom,” Dexter stated, rubbing at
his nose. His cheeks looked a little flushed too and I couldn’t tell if he was
coming down with a cold or he’d been crying. Probably the latter, I decided.

I stood up and strolled over to him. Then I fidgeted with his tie
– not because it was particular uneven, mainly just because that’s what
people on the telly do – before kissing him softly on the lips and
smoothing my hand across his cheek.

“I’m so proud of you,” I whispered. He’d been holding it together so
well most of the time, and when he hadn’t he was honest with me – he
cried with me and he talked with me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted from him. “I
love you.”

“Love you too, doll. So much,” he replied, lovingly nibbling on the end
of my nose and smiling humbly.

The morning passed quicker than expected with 11 AM rolling around
before I knew it. I was ready to go by 10 AM – dressed in a knee length
black pencil dress I bought from a local store yesterday. As you know I’m not a
dress girl and I felt more than a little self-conscious in it. But I didn’t
dwell. Today wasn’t about me and I was sure what I was wearing would be the
last thing on people’s minds.

Both Dexter and I had received text messages from Rachel and Jared after
breakfast, but only I got one from Chris too. They said the obligatory
‘thinking of you’ etc. It was only Rachel who didn’t bother to tiptoe around
the line of sensitivity. Dexter’s text read:

Snickers: Yo
American. Keep it together today twatbag and look after my girl. Sorry about ur
mum – it’s totally shit. Miss u… kind of… a little… maybe…

I miss her so much – and I’m sure even Dexter does a little,
though he would never say it.

“She’s here,” Sarah announced, gazing longingly out of the window.
Dexter sighed and looked to his feet and I took hold of his hand. Looking over
Sarah’s shoulder I saw the long black hearse slow to a halt outside the house.
Inside was a walnut casket, surrounded by flowers shaped into the words ‘MOM’ and
‘SISTER’. Choking back the tears that swam down my throat I rested my hand on
Dexter’s tense shoulder. He looked up at me briefly and offered a weak smile
but didn’t say anything. Reassuringly, I reached for his hand and tugged on it
gently, ushering him towards the front door.

We rode to the church with Sarah in the processional car. The atmosphere
inside the leather-clad car was quiet and contemplative. Nobody spoke out loud,
though I’m sure Dexter’s and Sarah’s minds were rattling with thoughts just
like mine – probably more so.

There were only a handful of people waiting outside the grand church.
Sarah seemed to recognise all of them and Dexter only some. It was a sad scene
– knowing that this woman had been robbed of the opportunity to make
friends and loved ones. Not just after the accident… her life was stolen from
her a long time before that. Obviously my situation doesn’t even begin to
compare, but still I found myself feeling a newfound gratitude for my ‘New
Life’ and my determination to make new friends.

It’s such a sorrowful thought to imagine your own funeral and
envisioning just a smattering of mourners taking up the first two pews.

The service was
lovely. Well, as lovely as a funeral can be I suppose. The sumptuous, red
velvet curtain closed gracefully as the small gathering of mourners watched on,
grieving the loss of an innocent woman whose life had been over for too long.
As we left the church, humming along to Michael Jackson’s ‘you are not alone’
– apparently Deborah’s favourite song - I felt solaced. I never knew her,
but I knew her story and I felt appeased that she was finally at rest. She’d
finally escaped the tragic life she’d been dealt and was hopefully someplace
better now – somewhere she could live the life she was supposed to.

“You’re doing
great,” I said softly to Dexter as we hung around the stunning grounds of the
church, waving off the people who’d come to pay their respects.

“Doesn’t feel
like it,” he muttered under his breath, fake smiling and shaking hands with the
people who approached him. “Is there a bathroom round here? I need to pee,” he
asked. He seemed a little shaky and in truth I suspected he just wanted five
minutes alone to cry it out away from the small crowd surrounding us.

“There’s a small
outbuilding just around that corner.” I pointed in the direction I was talking
about. “I think they’re in there.”

“Thanks, doll.
Back soon.” He cupped his hand around the nape of my neck and kissed my
forehead before disappearing around the said corner. Seconds later, when the
church grounds had almost completely emptied, Sarah approached me.

“How’s he bearing
up?”

“As well as can
be expected I guess. He’s just nipped to the bathroom. I think he needs a
minute alone.”

“I’m glad he
found you, Emily. I’ve worried about that boy for so long – worried about
what would become of him. But now? I think he’s going to be just fine. And I
want to thank you…”

“Thank me?” I
asked, bewildered.

“Yes. Thank you
for loving him. Thank you for not giving up on him. He’s a good boy – a
good man. Thank you for seeing that in him.”

“Um… you’re
welcome?” I couldn’t help it sounding like a question. “It’s not like I really
had much of a choice,” I teased playfully. “The heart wants what the heart
wants… isn’t that how it goes?”

“We ready?”
Dexter interrupted, appearing unexpectedly behind us and making us both jump.
Sarah and I looked at each other and then nodded in unison.

“Yeah. Let’s go
home.”

**********

Later that evening Sarah went to bed early. Being such a small house I
could hear her crying until around midnight. Then she fell silent and I assumed
she’d finally managed to drift off to sleep. Fresh from a shower that Dexter
and I shared together, I took my pill and climbed warily into bed. We lay
entangled with each other under the heavy quilt and he shared all the details
of his childhood with me. Listening to his memories, I cried more than I
smiled, but still I came away feeling like I knew him better than ever.

“It’s still there, doll. The guilt. It’s right here,” he said, jabbing
his finger into his chest above his heart. “It hurts so fucking bad and I don’t
think it’ll ever go away.”

“It will. I promise it will. Because I’m going to help you,” I vowed,
feeling determined. “I’m going to
make
you
see how far you’ve come and what a
good
man
you are. I don’t know how yet… but I will.”

Dexter rolled onto his side to face me and started twiddling the strands
of my damp hair around his fingers.

“I love your hair. It’s the first thing I noticed about you,” he breathed,
his eyes sweeping over my head.

“Really? So, you don’t think I’m a ginger minger?” I joked.

“A ginger
what
?” I always find
it funny when he doesn’t understand my phrasing. Sometimes it’s like we speak
two completely different languages.

“Minger… like, um… munter, fugly, or hideous,” I clarified.

“Now, fugly and hideous are already in my vocabulary and I can
categorically say you will
never
see
either of them used alongside
your
name.
You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid my eyes on.” I smiled
bashfully, feeling slightly embarrassed at how easy he manages to make me feel
all gooey inside. “You’ll never know how grateful to you I am. I couldn’t have
done this without you. Hell, doll… I never imagined someone could love me like
you do. And I mean
me
… the
real
me. But you’ve seen me at my worst
and yet you’re still here. I’ll never know what I did to deserve you, but I’m
going to dedicate my life to thanking you – to taking care of you,
repaying you,
loving
you.”

Leaning into me, pushing his bare, taut chest against mine, he brushed
his tongue over my parted lips.

“Let me show you how much I love you, doll. Words are easy - I need you
to
feel
it,” he murmured into my
mouth.

“Yes,” I whimpered. “I want that too.”

I will never tire of the way he makes my body feel. The way he can make
me shiver just by looking at me. Or the way he can set my skin alive with
goosebumps just by being so close. And especially the way he makes me feel like
my insides are about to explode just by running his tongue across my jaw.

Instinctively I arched my back, forcing me closer to him when he hovered
his naked body over mine and trailed his warm lips up and down the groove
between my breasts. Plucking my nipples between his fingers and rubbing them
gently, his body stilled and he just…
stared
at me.

“What are you doing?” I asked curiously.

“I’m enjoying myself,” he replied, biting his bottom lip and glossing
his eyes up and down my body like he was working out a way to devour me whole. A
few achingly long seconds passed before he smoothed one of his hands down my
body, settling it between my legs while he circled my nipple with his warm
tongue.

My entire body was on fire. Nerves I didn’t even know I had were
tingling so violently it was almost agonising. My fingers wandered over the
sculpted muscles hugging his back – caressing the soft skin that was
misted over with tiny beads of sweat. The pulsating throb between my legs was
verging on excruciating when he started stroking his fingers up and down the
damp folds tantalising slowly. The pressure was so light – so gentle it
felt like he was tormenting me.

“Please,
Dexter,” I whimpered, curving my hips to meet his fingers.

“Please
what, doll?” My body was writhing – pleading with him…desperate for his
touch. He always did this. He always made me ask for what I wanted. All my
introverted instincts bellowed to keep quiet, but my body knew it wouldn’t get
what it so urgently craved that way – and Dexter knew it too.

“Touch me
harder. I need to
feel
you,” I
moaned, knowing I should feel embarrassed but somehow only feeling tremendously
turned on.

“Like
this?” he murmured against my breast, dipping one finger inside me and making
me cry out. Throwing a pillow over my face to stifle the intense moans, I
nodded vigorously. “I love how you’re always so ready for me, doll. You’ve no
idea how proud that makes me.”

When he
slipped another finger inside I almost came apart there and then. My hips
bucked to meet every thrust of his hand, my nipples had hardened into throbbing
little pebbles and my heart was stuttering as it tried to slow itself down. My eager
hands glided smoothly over the toned flesh enfolding his shoulders –
revelling in the touch of every delicious ridge of his muscles and making me
ache for him even more.

“No you
don’t,” Dexter teased, ripping his fingers from my body. I gasped in… I don’t
know… ecstasy? Disappointment? Frustration? “You’re almost there. I can feel
you getting tighter,” he whispered, hitching himself up so his eyes were level
with mine and his tousled brown fringe was tickling my face. I could feel his
heart pounding through his flesh and vibrating against my breasts. It was
easily hammering as recklessly as my own. “I need to be inside you when you
come for me, doll. I need to
feel
you.”