Tales from the Land of Ooo (2 page)

Finn and Jake sat together at the head of the table. Skeleton Waiter came out of the cottage wearing bright white waiter gear over his bony figure and said to Finn and Jake, “I am most delighted to be
serving you
.”

“Thanks, Skeleton Waiter,” Jake said, grabbing handfuls of food and shoving them in his mouth.

“Did you hear that?” Finn whispered to Jake. “He said
serving you
.”

“Yeah, bro, that’s what waiters do,” Jake said between bites. “Jeez. We gotta get you out more.”

“
I know what waiters do!
But that monster maître d’ made it sound like he was going to be serving us! Like
serving US
. I think we’re on the menu! Skin salads or something, dude!”

“Chill out and dig in, buddy,” Jake said, jamming more food into his mouth. “Wait! Dude, I
just
got that!
Shoveling
food means you’re
digging
in. Like shovels dig? In the earth? What a meal, man. We’re eating exotic cuisine
and
catching knowledge.”

Finn sighed and reached for an appetizer. But when he saw what it was, he just about vommed. “There’s no meat on these bones! These are just, like,
bones
.”

“Oh, just eat it, man. You don’t want to offend our hosts,” Jake said, sucking sloppily on a bone. “Besides, this is primo bone.”

Just then, Skeleton Chef came out of the cottage. He stood at the end of the table and announced to Jake, Finn, and the rest of the skeleton gang, “I am proud to reveal the main course. For dinner, I shall be serving…”

Everyone waited with bated breath. Well, the two guys that breathed at least: Finn and Jake.

“A couple of meatballs! And from the looks of them, they are going to be
quite delicious
,” Skeleton Chef said, staring directly at Finn and Jake through hollow coal-black eye sockets.

“I have a bad feeling about—” Finn started.

“MEATBALLS?” Jake shrieked. “I
loooooooove
meatballs. I am beyond pumped to participate in this skeletal meatball meal.”

“Jake!”
Finn whispered. “
We’re
a couple of meatballs! I’m telling you—any second, they’re gonna cook us up, dude!”

“Oh, stop being so suspicious and crazy. Here, try a mozzarella finger bone.”

“No!” Finn said, slapping away the cheesy metacarpal. “If I’m crazy, then why are those guys staring at us like that?”

“What guys?”

“Dude,
THOSE GUYS
!”

“Oh,” Jake said. “They probably just think we’re awesome and wanna be like us, so they’re watching us carefully and closely so they can study us and stuff.”

“Hmm…,” Finn said, thinking. “That does make sense.”

“Flippin’-A right it does,” Jake said, reaching for another bone.

Finn shook his head. “But no. No! I’m telling you, we need to get out of here, like, right now, yesterday time.”

“Shh, shh,” Jake said, hushing Finn. “Look, Skeleton Waiter is coming. I think it’s time for the main course!”

Finn looked up to see Skeleton Waiter stepping out of the small cottage. “Fellow skeletons, it is now time for the main course. I hope you’re all ready to eat…OUR TWO HEROES!”

“
Ahhh!
That’s IT!” Finn yelled. He reached over, slapped the bone out of Jake’s mouth, and sent Jake sprawling to the ground.

“We are OUT OF HERE! Serving us! Two meatballs! Eating two heroes. They are one hundred percent talking about us, dude! I flippin’ told you!”

“Oh man!” Jake said. “Stupid hunger pangs manipulated my judgment again!”

“I’ll bust your chops,” Finn said, grabbing Jake.

The duo sprinted into the woods, running as fast as they could.

Back at the table, a single tear dropped from Skeleton Chef’s eye socket as he lifted the lid off his serving platter, revealing two piping-hot meatball hoagies.

“I guess they didn’t want to try these two delicious meatball heroes…”

THE END!

To my LUMPS. I owe all my fabulous success to them.

Hi, gals and pals! Thanks for
reading.
My book editor—who is not all that lumping great—said my last book,
I Wrote a Book
(buy it today!!!) lacked “meaningful content.” I don’t even know what that LUMPING MEANS, but whatevs.

So this stupid editor was all like, “We’re going to release a
little part of your next book early (that little part is called an
excerpt
) to whet people’s appetites for the whole book.”

And I was all like, “Well, if you want to whet their LUMPING appetites, just put more pics of my
smokin’ lumps
on the cover!”

Anyway, I’m going to pack a ton of
awesome
stuff into this chapter, so it can be excerpted in
The Lumpy Spacer
magazine, which is, like, super highbrow and talks about plays and stuff, which of course I love because plays=DRAMA!

So…

Once upon a time there was a beautiful lumpy space princess…me!

I live in this superawesome amazing home. Oh my glob, isn’t it just
to die
? I know.

Currently I’m in, like, negotiations to have my beautiful home featured in an episode of
House Finders: Land of Ooo Edition
.

Sometimes Finn and Jake come by. We’re besties, even though sometimes Jake calls me a hobo, and I’m all like, “Oh my glob! SHUT YOUR FACE, JAKE! I AM
NOT
A HOBO!”

Now you’re probably all, “OMG, LSP, you are
so young and gorge
and
you live on your own in a mansion?!?”
EDITOR’S NOTE: It’s a hobo mansion.

Well,
yes
. That is all true. I am young and gorge and I live on my own in a mansion.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Still a hobo mansion.

There was a whole reason I ended up here on my own, but it’s way complicated. Basically I got in a big fight with my stupid mom and dad, and also things were getting soooo dramafied with Brad.

If you’ve been living under, like, a lumping rock or something, Brad is my stupid ex-BF who I used to eat chili cheese fries with.

Secretly, I would maybe, possibly, probably, not sure, but kinda definitely take Brad back if he was interested. But I’m sure he’s lumping not because he’s all lumping intimidated by me and MY LUMPS! GAH!
My beauty is my curse!

But FYI, babes, being a Lumpy Space Princess is NOT just all riding around in cars with boys and eating beans from a can and looking lumping fabulous. There are downsides. Like, who can you trust in this lumping world? It’s TOTALLY “mo lumps, mo problems” out here on the streets.

Melissa is my best friend, but in my celly she is labeled as Best Friend #66 because I don’t want her thinking she’s all high-and-lumping-mighty.

Ugh, hold on. My celly is blowing up like it’s preggers.

“Hello? LSP here. Oh, hiiii, Melissa.”

It’s
lumping Melissa.
Yes, she’s my best friend, but still…I just—ARGH! I DON’T KNOW! I’M JUST AN EMOTIONAL THUNDERSTORM!!!

“Sorry, yeah, go ahead, Melissa. No, I don’t care. You do whatever you want. Go to the drive-in movie theater with Brad. Good. Fine. Whatever. Do that. No, I’m not mad. NO, I’M NOT LUMPING MAD! GOOD-BYE!”

WHAT THE LUMP?! Melissa is going to the drive-in with Brad? Like, what lumping YEAR IS IT?!? Who goes to the drive-in?!? Melissa doesn’t even like movies; she likes daytime dramas! She
totally, like, changes when she’s with Brad.