Tasting, Finding, Keeping: The Story of Never (24 page)

“Oh, Never,” Ty says, sitting down beside me. “Fuck.”

I've stopped crying which is a bad sign. I go to that empty place inside of myself, the one that always used to cry out for pretend love, and try to get a hold of myself. Ty doesn't wait for me to say anything or explain, he just reaches out and pulls me into his lap, squeezes me tight against his bare chest and holds me there. I cling to him and breathe through my nose. I want to get better, I want to change, I want a life where I don't cry at night, where I stop pushing people away, that I can live without regrets.

“She doesn't love me.” The statement is simple enough to understand, but Ty shakes his head.

“She does,” he explains as I try to push back from him. He won't let me. Somehow, in this moment he knows better what I need than I do.

“Did you fucking hear that conversation?” I ask, and Ty nods.

“I see a woman who's afraid, afraid to love, afraid to admit to her mistakes because then she has to take the blame for the pain in her daughters' lives, and she isn't strong enough for that.”

“How do you know that?” I ask him. “You just fucking met her.” Ty lets me move back and stares at me with dark eyes. Something is coming, something big. “Don't,” I say before any words can come from Ty's lips. “Stop.”

“When I was twelve, my step-father tried to rape me.”

“Ty … ” He isn't ready for this, and I don't want him spilling his secrets because he feels sorry for me. That isn't right. If I let him do that, I'll be as bad as Angelica.

“Luckily, he didn't quite make it all the way, but … ” Ty nibbles his lip ring and sighs. “The point is, my mom didn't believe me.” He pauses. “Sorry, scratch that. Let me rephrase it. She knew I was telling the truth, but she didn't want to admit that to herself.” I put my hands over my ears and close my eyes. Ty cannot open himself up for me or his heart may fall out. I can't have that happening. I don't want him to slide back because I'm having such a hard time moving forward.

“Stop,” I whisper in the quiet dark of the kitchen. “Don't break yourself into pieces for me.”

“Never,” Ty says as he gently but firmly moves my hands away from my ears. “I will do whatever it takes to make you better, even if it means destroying myself in the process.”

“But why?” I whisper.
You're not worth it,
rings through my head, but I push it back. That's not Ty, not anymore. He was just reacting to me back then; now he's reacting for me.

“I told you, Never, I fucking love you.”

“You don't even know me.”

“Bullshit.” Ty drops my hands and looks at me with an expression that says he's not taking any shit. “Don't be stupid, Nev. You know better than anyone that that's not true. You're the only person in the world that's ever known me. Maybe we haven't known each other since high school,” I notice the slightest bite in Ty's words, the slightest punch of anger for Noah Scott. “But that doesn't fucking matter. Relationships can't be measured with a clock or a calendar, Never. It's about getting each other. You get me, and I get you. That's the only thing I give a shit about.”

“I don't deserve you,” I say and mean it. Ty smiles and pulls me into his lap, lifts me up and carries me like some fucking fairy princess up the staircase to my perfectly preserved bedroom. When he lays me down on the bed and climbs on top of me, I forget my worries and think about nothing but him.

Ty and I both wake to the sound of shouting in the hallway.

“Fuck you!” Jade screams at the top of her lungs. I know it's her because I was often on the receiving end of her fits. When Jade gets really, really ticked off, her voice cracks and gets brittle like she's not only a chain smoker but also a hundred years old.

“I am not having this conversation with you.” Beth.

“Yeah? Well, what's new? You never have conversations with me, Beth. You tell me what to do, chastise me, talk down to me, but you don't ever just
ask
me what I'm doing or why. I'm twenty years old, and I don't need your permission to do a damn thing.”

“Okay,” Beth says and I can hear her hands hitting her thighs with a slap. I only know because that's a habit of hers when she's stressed. “Okay then, you pay your share of the bills, buy your own food, your own clothes, and then you make all your own decisions. How does that sound?”

“Are you being a mega bitch because Danny's coming over later or because Never is back? Which is it?” I try not to listen, really, because I have this terrible gut feeling that Jade is, at some point, going to say something horrible to me or about me. Granted, I'm willing to cut her some extra slack after what I found out last night, but I think my heart's had about all it can take. My mother has cut into me deep enough to kill, and I have this horrible suspicion that without Ty, I would've done something so disgusting last night that I'd have never recovered.

“You need to learn some tact, Jade. How long are you going to sit around here feeling sorry for yourself? Hmm? Because I, for one, am sick and fucking tired of it. Get a life, Jade, and stop insulting other people about theirs.” Footsteps smash across the ground and my door rattles as Jade throws it open and lets it slam into the wall next to her.

“Good morning to you, too,” I say, convinced that after five years I should be getting something better for breakfast, maybe some pancakes with smiley faces or something, but no, no my family doesn't work like that. We're such a fucking breeding ground for drama that it makes me ill.

“Have fun digging into my private business last night,” Jade says, and I have to blink several times before I can actually register what she's saying.

“Huh?”

“Yeah, Mom told me you were asking about shit that's none of your concern.”

“Jade,” Beth says, coming up behind my younger sister and trying to touch her shoulder. Jade shrugs it off. I look at her and wonder what the hell I'm going to do because she is a mess. She looks like a deranged biker chick in her black miniskirt, leather jacket, and mask of makeup. Jade is desperate for attention, but she's looking in all the wrong places. “Honey, you have no room to talk. You're always sticking your nose into everyone else's business.” Jade ignores her and focuses her rage on me. Always on me. Even after all these years.

“You must have a lot of pent up anger,” I tell her as I sit up and try not to notice Ty's beautiful, bare chest and soft, sleepy face. It's been a long time since I've seen a man like that, and I have to say, there's this sort of magic about it, knowing that he's at his most vulnerable by my side. I sort of love it. “To want to rail on me already.” Jade flips me off.

“Don't look for Luis, Never,” she says venomously. “If you do, I won't ever forgive you.” And then she turns away and storms down the stairs to God only knows where. I look at Beth who, despite everything, smiles back at me.

“I'm sorry,” she tells me and looks like she wants to come in and sit on the edge of the bed. Her eyes, however, wander over to the lump that is Ty and pause there. “I'll tell you everything later, when she goes out.” I nod and am glad that at least there's a few people in this house that are willing to tell me what's gone on, what's
going
on. “And Never,” she says as she puts her hand on the doorknob. “I am so glad you're here.” Beth blows me a kiss and closes the door.

“I see the spicy streak is a family trait,” Ty mumbles, eyes still closed, lip ring bright and shiny in the morning light. I bend down and take it between my teeth, tugging on it until Ty reaches up, tangles his fingers in my hair and kisses me. “Is acidic tongue a dominant gene?” I lean back and slap him lightly with the back of my hand. He gazes up at me and there's this moment where I can imagine a future with him in my mind's eye. It's so bright and perfect that I have to shake my head to get rid of the image. “Something wrong?” he asks me, all mussy and cute with his dark hair sticking up every which way. I close my eyes and shake my head, hoping that what I'm going to say next isn't going to destroy the sweet smile that's on his sexy lips.

“You and I, we're going out with Noah today.” I don't mince my words, just get them out before I can second guess myself. After all, Noah is picking us up at two. I don't know what time it is now, but I can't take the chance that Noah will show up before Ty knows. I have a feeling that would be disastrous.

“Where are we going?” he asks which seems like a strange question. He doesn't even sound pissed. I open my eyes and look at him, but he's just yawning and stretching and scratching his taut, sexy belly with his ringed fingers.

“You're not mad?” I ask, and Ty laughs, just up and freaking laughs at me. “Glad I could make your morning,” I say and then cringe. Sometimes I'm so mean … I can see what Ty means about this attitude running in the family.

“Nope,” he says as he swings his feet out of bed and looks over his shoulder at me. “I want to meet this guy.” Ty stands up, and I can't help but check out his ass as he moves around the bed and starts to dig through his suitcase for clothes.
He could be yours,
my mind whispers.
All yours. You can have him completely and wholly if you want, Never. The invitation is there. You have but to accept it.
I swallow and avert my eyes.

“Why?” Ty doesn't answer for awhile, so I turn my attention back to him and watch as he slips on a T-shirt first then a pair of jeans (with no underwear, of course), and turns to face me.

“Because,” he tells me, and his voice, although firm, doesn't have the slightest hint of anger in it. “I want to know what he has that I don't.” I stare at Ty McCabe for awhile, and he stares back at me, but I don't see any bitterness in his expression, don't hear any in his voice. This makes me feel twice as guilty. I look down at the blankets and curl them into my fist.

“How do you know he does?” I ask, but I don't look up, not until I hear a gentle jingling that draws my eyes to McCabe's wrist. He's switching out his silver bangles for some black ones with red stones. This is a ritual I have never before witnessed firsthand, and there's something about it that makes my heart pump faster and my cheeks heat. Watching Ty slip those bracelets over his hands is erotic somehow. Maybe it's the way his hand slips inside the metal ring, the way his fingers brush the metal oh so gently, I don't know. I decide not to analyze my feelings – there will be plenty of time for that later – and crawl out of bed. Ty's eyes follow me as I kneel down and unzip my bag. “Don't look at me like that,” I say and he laughs.

“Yeah, right, Never.” Ty bends down, so that we're at eye level with one another. “You're the most beautiful fucking girl I've ever seen, and I can't look? I don't think so.” He winks at me, kisses my cheek and leaves me in the bedroom alone, just walks into the hallway by himself and closes the door.

Oh my dear God, Ty fucking McCabe, what am I going to do with you?

I dress myself in some light blue jeans, a red sweater over a black tank, and slip into a pair of black Converse that have been sitting stagnant in this bedroom for five, long years. Wearing them is so strange; walking in them is even stranger. There are certain images in life that get caught in your head, that play like they're on some kind of movie loop. That's how it is with these shoes. I have these pictures in my head of them moving down the hallway at school, of traversing dirt paths ahead of Noah Scott, of walking through the fields with my sisters. I can just look down, see the white toes of these shoes and become Never Regali again. It's so weird that when I open the door to the hallway, I turn around and go back, take the shoes off and slip on some white Nikes.

Ty is leaning against the wall in the kitchen looking like some sort of sex god with a piece of toast hanging from his mouth and a pair of girls hanging from his leg. Darla and Maple are attached to Ty like magnets, talking and babbling together while he nods and pretends he understands what they're saying. Beth is cooking an omelet – presumably for Ty since she's asking him if he wants ham in it – and India is sitting at the table with Lettie and Lorri, coloring a jumbo sized
Welcome Home, Never
card.

“Hey!” India shouts, standing up when I come in. I try to give Ty an
I'm so sorry
look, but he just smiles back at me and doesn't appear to be bothered by the chaos. I'm kind of figuring out that it's hard to ruffle Ty McCabe. He doesn't give a shit about what anybody thinks. Except maybe me. “We've been waiting for you to get up. Don't you know that Noah's going to be here in a half hour?”

“Huh?” I ask, wondering how my sister knows that I have plans with my high school sweetheart.

“Noah called me and asked if we wanted to go,” India says brightly, shaking her phone at me. Ty is watching this exchange with interest, sliding his dark eyes between me and my sister. Jade is nowhere to be seen and, of course, neither is my mother. “Oh!” India continues as if her previous statement wasn't weird enough. “And Zella called, too. When I told her you were here, she said she'd changed her mind about staying in Texas for break. So I guess she's coming home for Christmas, too.” My heart starts to pump faster. Zella is coming all the way from Texas to see me? Just for me? Is that good or bad? I step into the kitchen and ruffle Lorri's hair. She gazes up at me like I'm some sort of Goddess or something which, of course, makes me feel like complete shit.
Sorry, I ran out on you,
I think silently.
So sorry I left you when you did nothing wrong.

“How does Noah have your number?” I ask India and the kitchen goes silent. Beth turns her attention to the stove and clears her throat.

“We've been in touch with Noah,” she says as she lifts the omelet onto a plate and hands it to India who then passes it to Ty.

“Thank you, beautiful,” he says, and I have to keep my lips clamped shut to hold back a stupid comment. Ty McCabe is used to flirting with women. I don't think he even knows when he's doing it anymore. Still, I can see that he doesn't have eyes for my sister, not at all. India blushes anyway and surprisingly, so does Beth.

“In touch with Noah?” I ask, completely and utterly confused. “What? Why?” Why my family should maintain contact with my high school boyfriend seems strange to me. Beth looks at India who looks at everything but me.

“Later,” Beth says and then spins around with a big smile on her face. She looks a lot like a copper haired Barbie this morning with her white-white teeth and her apron and her high heels. “I was thinking that you, me, India and Jade could go to dinner together?” She doesn't mention Mom. Nobody mentions Mom. I think it's that moment where I'm looking at Beth and she's smiling back at me that I realize that I'm not going to be able to forgive my mother. Not ever. Not even if she comes crawling to me and says the things she needs to say. And to be honest, I don't think she'll ever do it anyway. I decide then and there that my goal is not to forgive her, but to forget her. I have to cut the emotional strings she has wrapped around my neck. It isn't an easy decision to make; I can feel the pain of it from my head down to my toes. “You look a little pale,” Beth says. “Are you alright?” I can't speak, but I nod, and I watch my big sister's face and I know without a doubt that although the woman who gave birth to me is not a mother, I still have one. Beth. Beth is my mother in spirit, and that's okay.

I force a smile to my face.

“As long as Ty's okay with staying here?” I say, asking what I didn't ask last night when I ran off with Noah Scott. He winks at me with a bit of omelet in his mouth and nods.

“Have fun,” he says simply and that's that. Is he really that simple? But no, not my Ty, not my bloody, blackhearted Tyson McCabe. He's more complicated than I'll ever be.

“I want to go!” Lettie says, and I can see that at thirteen, she's desperate to make that jump between girl and woman, stumble over to the other side and join us. Beth shakes her head no.

“Sorry honey,” she tells my little sister who pouts and crosses her arms over chest, revealing the fact that she is, indeed, still a child. “We have some private stuff to talk about.” Beth sighs. “I wish Zella was here now, but we'll just have to make do.” I lean down and put my arms around Lettie's shoulders and hug her tight. Thankfully, she hugs me back.

“We'll do something special tomorrow,” I whisper to her. “Maybe a barbeque at the lake or something?” Lettie nods enthusiastically, and I stand up just in time to see Noah's car pull up in front of the house. Immediately, my palms start to sweat and my head feels like it's going to drift into the sky and disappear. Ty senses the shift in my attitude immediately, and I have to keep my gaze off of his. I'm afraid if he sees me, he'll see straight through, and he'll know.

Ty will know that I'm trying to choose between him and Noah, and he won't be happy about it. Not one little bit.