Tasting, Finding, Keeping: The Story of Never (25 page)

Noah Scott walks in the front door dressed in black jeans and a skintight white tee that is deliciously see-through. He doesn't knock, just comes in with a smile on his face and a dog at his heels.

“Never!” Lettie shouts, giving me the distinct impression that she's met the dog-me before. My sisters, including little Darla and Maple, scramble over and throw themselves on the dog who, despite Noah's testimony to the contrary, does not bite. She just sits down and looks resigned to her fate. She's a pretty dog, mind you, but I'm still in the market for that alley tramp.

“Good morning,” he says, nodding at Beth, India, me … pausing on Ty, freezing on Ty,
panicking
at Ty. “Um?” This word slips out of his mouth and just sits there above the table written in bloody ink. Crap.

“Good morning,” I say, but Ty beats me to the punch.

“Hey there,” he says, setting his plate down on the table and extending his hand, his ringed hand, out to Noah to shake. “Ty McCabe. You must be the infamous Noah Scott.”

“Oh, I don't know about the infamous part, but yeah, I'm Noah.” The two men shake hands, and I swear to God, I will testify to this, that there is a spark in that kitchen. Heat explodes from the two of them and hits me right in the chest. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. “Um, sorry,” Noah continues as he withdraws his hand and tries to catch my eyes. I look away purposely. “I'm sorry. I didn't know Never had brought a … ” Everyone waits anxiously for me to fill in the missing word. It's like the world's most horrible game of Mad Libs, one where nobody wins.

“I have no family, so Never offered to let me come with her for the holidays,” Ty says, reminding me that in less than three weeks, it will be Christmas. This house has no lights, no tree, no presents. I make a promise to myself that I'll ask Beth about it later. He also leaves his position in my life purposely vague, but why? Ty says that I'm his, that I belong to him, so why is he just laying by the wayside and letting me fumble through this? If our positions were switched, I'd be clawing Noah Scott's eyes outs.
So just pick Ty already,
my damaged heart commands me. I ignore it which is probably stupid, and try to smile. It sort of hurts my face. I haven't smiled, really truly smiled, in a good long while.
Except, of course, when you're with Ty. Idiot.

“So, big family trip to the river?” I say and honestly, it sort of sounds like hell. “I'm gonna go have a cigarette.” I touch my back pockets but can't find anything.

“I've got what you're looking for, baby,” Ty says, and I think I actually pass out standing up. I come to quick and keep my eyes off of Noah's face.

“Yeah, alright,” I say as I grab Ty's hand and drag him outside and around the back of the barn. When Lettie and Lorri try to follow, I tell them I don't want to see them dead from second hand smoke and buy myself a small slice of alone time with Ty. It's going to be a long day. I don't wait for Ty to hand me a cig and reach my hand down his back pocket to grab the box. Admittedly his ass feels damn good, nice and firm and fucking sexy as hell. He raises his eyebrows at me, but doesn't say a thing.

“Got a light?” I ask as I stick a Marlboro Red between my lips and pass the box back to him. Ty puts one in his mouth and leans forward so that the cigarettes are touching before he lights us up together. I watch his dark eyes the whole time, certain that he's going to say something about Noah. He doesn't.

“I have to say,” he tells me with a wicked grin. “That I fucking love this tractor.”

“Ty McCabe,” I snap and then sigh, blowing smoke out between my lips. “Well?” He looks at me like he doesn't know what I'm talking about and continues to smoke, one hand in his front pocket, nice and casual like. “Noah,” I say finally. “Noah Scott. What do you think?” Ty looks at me like I'm the world's biggest idiot and throws his cigarette to the ground before he starts to walk away. I stamp on it to put it out, convinced that Ty better get used to putting them out on his own. It's not damp here like it is back … home. Cigarettes cause fires real fast here. I stumble after Ty and grab his arm. He spins to face me with a pinched mouth. “What did I do?” I ask, and Ty rolls his eyes before going for another cigarette, a Djarum Black this time.

“Never, seriously?” he says as he follows me back towards the tractor. I lean against the tire and remember the tears I shed last night, the things I said to him. I'm such a fucking idiot; I hate myself sometimes.

“What?”

“You asked me what I think about Noah Scott?” Ty laughs. “Oh, yeah,” he says around his cig. “Your boyfriend's real fuckin' nice. What a cutie. I heart the fuck out of him. What a catch.” I take the cigarette from my mouth and throw it at Ty. It doesn't come even close to hitting him. He snuffs it out with his boot. “Honestly? I want to smash his face in. Is that what you want to hear?” I cross my arms over my chest.

“I don't know, Ty. Jesus Christ, I wasn't asking you for dating advice.”

“What were you asking me then?” he says and then sighs. I watch as Ty wraps this awesome self-control around himself. It's almost a physical change, very impressive, something I could never do. “Look, it doesn't matter. I'm mildly okay with this, alright? I mean, if you choose me because I tie you up in the bedroom and forbid you to see him, what good does that do me?” Ty pauses. “Though I'm not opposed to doing that if you're interested.”

“Ty,” I say, leveling a look on him. If he's going to freak out and run off, fuck some bitch behind my back, I want to know now.

“I want you to choose me for me,” Ty says and my heart turns to slush in my chest. “I want you to say fuck Noah Scott and mean it. When you can do that, really do that, come tell me. It'll happen, I know it will.”

“I want to ask you a question,” I say, and I can't help but move forward and put my arms around Ty's waist. He's so fucking dark and beautiful and twisted and perfect. I can't keep my hands off of him. He is also officially now the only man I have had sex with more than once which I think is pretty cool but which I keep to myself.

“Ask away,” he says and then smiles meanly when I look up at him. “But I may choose to take the fifth.”

“Are you going to spook?” I ask him, heart fluttering like a butterfly.
Trapped, trapped, she's trapped until you let her go. If she comes back, only then can you be convinced of her love.
“Are you going to … ” I choke on my heart and have to swallow her back down. “Are you going to run off and fuck somebody?” Ty grabs my chin roughly, maybe a little too roughly, but his pain is so evident in his fingertips that I forgive him.

“I will never, ever hurt you like that again,” he says fiercely. “We promised to be honest with each other, so let's be honest. I won't touch another woman, maybe as long as I live. I can't stop thinking about you, hurting for you.” Ty kisses me hard with his teeth and pulls back, smoke drifting from his mouth into my own as I breathe. “Now tell me, are you going to fuck Noah Scott?” I shake my head and then pause.

“Not without telling you first,” I whisper, and I hate myself for saying that. Why can't I just run off with Ty McCabe and live happily ever after? I know why, though. I know that if I do that, I'll have what-ifs following me forever. I have to banish them, all of them. I have to reconnect with my sisters, save Jade, snip my mother from my soul, and I have to find Luis and confront him. I have to do all of this to move on, and I have to understand my feelings for Noah.

“Thanks for telling me the truth,” Ty whispers and in his eyes I see that he's glad, truly, even if the words are not what he wants to hear. “Now, let's go get some quality time in with your boyfriend.”

“So, Ty, um, is that short for Tyler?” Noah asks during
the
most uncomfortable drive of my entire life. We're sitting in Noah's car, and by we I mean me, Ty, Noah, and India. It's kind of … shitty.

“Nope,” Ty says and rolls his window down to smoke. Noah cringes, but Ty either doesn't notice or doesn't give a shit. I'm going with the latter. “Tyson.” He pauses. “If you call me that though, I'm gonna get kinda pissed off.” I think about jumping out the window and dying on the highway. Maybe that would be better than this? Maybe not.

“Tyson McCabe,” India repeats and Ty laughs. He's not about to get pissed off at pretty, little India. “That's a nice name. You don't like it?”

“I like Ty better,” he says, and that's it. The conversation dies before it even really gets started. I stroke Never's fur gently and try not to think about that poetry class where the professor likened petting a dog to stroking a woman's vagina.
I wish I were a lesbian. Men suck.

“So, Noah,” Ty says, sounding kind of … bitchy. I reach up from around the back of his seat and tug on his eyebrow ring. He grabs my wrist and presses a nasty kiss to the back of my hand that
everyone
notices. “This is a really nice car. You must have a great job.” Noah scratches the back of his head and isn't sure what to say.

“His dad got it for him,” I insert, trying to distract them both. India's been staring at me like I'm a ghost for the last ten minutes, so I try to steer the conversation over to her, so we can get to know each other better. After all, that's what I'm here for. These … boys? men? … whatever are taking over my everything, and I don't know how to react to it. A few months back, I was so alone in the world, I might've ended my own life had things not changed. And then I met Ty in a bar and so now everything is different, and I just owe him the fucking world … Why can't I just tell Noah Scott to fuck off? “So, India,” I begin, putting my hands on my knees and a fake smile on my face. “How's school going?” India shrugs and licks the side of her mouth, a nervous gesture I remember well. I've always had that, at least, a good memory. Without memories, I'd be nothing but ash.

“It's okay,” she says with a sigh, and I can tell there's something bothering her, something that she wants to tell me but not Noah or Ty. I reach out and touch her hand, let her wrap her fingers around mine and let it go for now. Sometime later, I'll find the time to talk privately with her, with them all. I'll say my
sorry's
and hopefully hear some of theirs; I'll see who they've become and who they want to be. Maybe everything really will be alright in the end? “I kind of want to drop out,” India blurts suddenly.

“No.” I say it quickly and calmly, but firmly. She stares at me like I'm a crazy person, like she thought I was the last person in the world that would tell her
no.

“Listen,” Ty says as he turns around and smiles back at my sister with his best bad boy smile. It works and I can see that she is riveted on anything he might say. For better or worse, Ty McCabe has India Regali's full, undivided attention. “You don't have to go to school. If you don't want to be there, then it's pointless, a waste of fucking time, but,” he says before either Noah or I can jump down his throat. “You better have a backup plan, something airtight, otherwise you'll end up on the street corner giving ten dollar blow jobs.” India stares back at him with big, wide eyes and Noah coughs to clear his throat.

“I don't think – ” Noah begins.

Ty cuts him off with a wave of his ringed hand. The jingling bangles stop Noah mid-sentence. “Quiet blondie, I've been there, done that, so I know what I'm talking about.” Ty pauses, and I avoid Noah's eyes in the rearview mirror. He wants to know who Ty is, obviously, but what can I say now? I'll have to try to get a moment alone with him at the river. On second thought … I see that Ty is staring straight at me, burning me up with his gaze, the curve of his lips. My chest relaxes and I have to fight the urge to sigh. Me. Sigh. Over a guy. Fucking weird. “Tell me, India, what do you do? What makes you, you?”

She answers without hesitation. “Music.”

Ty winks at her and turns back around, lacing his fingers behind his head.

“Then you're set,” he says and pauses. “Provided you can actually play … ”

“Sing,” India says with a smile. “I can sing.”

“Ah, I have to hear it to believe it,” Ty says and India
giggles.
It's not intentional, it's just that Ty makes women feel wanted. A trick of the trade, I guess.

“Here we are,” Noah says, sounding terribly relieved. The river, known simply as 'Hatchett's' is a winding, sweeping monster of powerful currents and white froth that hides the river's sharp teeth from the viewers above. I've seen more than one brave adventurer torn apart on those rocks, some of whom made it, and others …

“Fucking gorgeous,” Ty says, leaning forward over the dash. “Shit and fuck.” Noah cringes, but India barely notices Ty's language. It's sort of a …
thing
… in our family. Beth is already waiting in the parking lot. I have to say that even though she now drives a minivan, she's still like a bat outta hell when she hits the road. Darla and Maple are playing in the grass with Lettie and Lorri while Jade sulks in the shade nearby like a vampire. Her skin is pale and stretched taut across her face like she hasn't been sleeping much lately. I need to talk to her soon, before she becomes a Mini-Me and spirals straight into hell. Jade couldn't take what I've been through; she would die.

Noah parks next to my sister's van and we all climb out into the cool, dry air of winter. It has this bite to it, something that tells me that a storm is on the way, but for now, the sun is shining weakly above the trees and everything is peaceful. Things can change real fast around here; I only hope Ty and I don't get stuck in a cellar with my family. Tornadoes are not exactly my thing.

“Never, look,” Lorri says, racing up to me with a daisy chain clutched in her hand. I smile and bend down, letting her lay it across my hair. As she does this, she points at my scalp. “Your hair is changing color.” Roots. She's talking about my roots. There's going to be a time here soon where I'll have to decide if I'm keeping the black and red, going back to the copper, or changing it up all together. Maybe I should be a blonde? I wonder if Ty likes blondes. I don't wonder about Noah. What does that say?

“Just as pretty as when you left,” Noah says as he glances first at the river and then at me. The reference isn't lost on me. Not Ty either.

“Just as fucking beautiful,” he says even though he's never seen this place before in his life. Or has he? Fuck. How would I know? I have no idea where Ty comes from. He doesn't have any discernible accent that I can place (not to me anyway), and he hasn't mentioned anything that might give him away. I stare at Ty McCabe for a moment, and he stares back at me. “See something you like?” he asks which makes me roll my eyes and take Lorri's hand. We head over to the grassy area that fronts the head of the trail here, and I do my best to smile at Jade. I sort of want to yell at her to get her friggin' head on straight, but what good would that do me? Jade is just like me: she's confrontational and she doesn't play well with others.

“You must be one tough bitch to hike in those boots,” I joke, but my words fall flat. Jade scowls at me.

“Fuck off, Never.”

“Jesus Christ, Jade,” Beth says in her best mom voice. It's pretty good, even better than it was when I left. Guess having a kid really refined Beth's best skills. “Can you be pleasant for thirty seconds? That would be a God given gift.”

“Why are we even here anyway?” Jade complains as she stands up and I see that her skirt is even shorter than the ones I'm used to wearing. I say nothing. “So Never can pretend she's part of the family?”

“She
is
part of the family,” Beth says and her tone is not pleasant, like it's been poured from iron or something. My sister tucks her short hair behind her ear and it immediately escapes, brushing against her cheek as she bends down and picks up her daughter. Jade glares daggers at me, further separating us, further alienating me from any chance of feeling like I actually belong here.

“Look,” I say because I'm starting to hurt. When I hurt, I get pissed. When I get pissed, I kick ass. “I don't know what your problem is with me. If anything, you owe
me
an apology, but if you want to just call it even and drop all of this crap, then let's do it.” Jade steps back and raises her eyebrows like
What the fuck, sister?

“Who the hell do you think you are?” she screeches, not holding back even an ounce of her rage. “You don't know me. You don't know this family or what you put us through. You are the world's most selfish human being, Never
Regali.
” I don't correct her. What good will that do? I just stand there with Noah on one side of me and Ty on the other. Both are silent. Both know that I have to handle this on my own.

“That isn't true,” I tell her, trying to keep my voice soft. Maple is starting to cry. I don't want her to associate pain or tears with me. What kind of a fresh start is that? “I have thought about you every single day for the past five years and I – ”

“You're a nasty, filthy fucking whore, Never,” Jade growls as Beth hands Maple to India who takes my three youngest sisters away from this fight and over to a small play area at the end of the parking lot. “I know everything. Everything. We all do.” I stare at her because I'm not sure what she's talking about. How could they know? Who could've told them? I look over at Ty, and he shakes his head slightly.
No.
Anyway, he would never do that to me. Ty isn't like that. “You're a disgusting, diseased, useless woman. A throw away.” I take deep breaths; I push my feelings back; I die a little inside.

“And you're a spoiled rotten, foulmouthed little witch.” My eyes snap over to Ty. He doesn't move forward, doesn't raise his voice, doesn't even look angry. He just says what he says and means every word of it. “I don't know what you think you know or how you know it, but I don't give a shit. You need to take a step back and examine your own life before you start judging hers because to me, Never is perfect.”

Oh.

My heart cracks in two as I glance over at Ty and realize for the first time that maybe this whole thing isn't about deciding whether Noah is good enough or whether I love him. This is about deciding that Ty is better, that I love him more, that I can't live without him. I gasp and turn around, rest my hands on my sister's van, try to breathe.

“Are you alright?” Noah asks, obviously a bit out of the loop. I don't fill him in; I
can't
fill him in and have him look at me like I'm someone else. At least in Noah's eyes, there is no taint, no blood, no sign that he knows what I've done or where I've been.

“Fine,” I say as a dizzy spell takes over me, and I find myself sitting down with my head against the tire. I don't know if it's nerves or angst or anxiety or what, but I can't stand up, not yet. “Just peachy.”

I crack open my eyes for a moment and the world spins. Ty is walking away with Jade and Noah is sitting next to me, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles. Beth is standing dumbstruck in the same place she's been this whole time. When she turns and faces me, her face falls and she starts to get teary eyed.

“Never, I'm sorry,” she whispers as she comes over and sits down, too. “I don't know what's wrong with her. She's just like this all the time now.” I sit up and try to swallow. It takes me three tries. I look for a cigarette and practically have a panic attack when I can't find one. I'm so used to being around Ty that he carries them for both of us.
Ty.
Beth pulls a box out of her purse and hands me one. It's a freaking Newport, but I take it anyway and let her light me up.

“What did she tell you?” I ask my sister, meeting her eyes, trying to gauge the truth in her next words. “What do you know?” Beth stares back at me, and it's that little second of silence that tells me she doesn't know anything. And neither does Jade. She was calling me names, calling me on something else, too, maybe, but not the truth. She was making horrible generalizations, guessing, grabbing at straws, and the worst part is that she was right. She was fucking right.

“I don't know what you're talking about,” Beth says with a sigh, and I can see that I've unwittingly revealed to her that I've got a secret. A big, fat, nasty, bloody secret. “Please don't be angry with her,” my sister pleads and little lines of worry pop up all over her young face. This isn't fair to her. Nothing is fair. The world isn't fair. I hate this kind of shit.

“Okay,” I whisper because I don't have the strength to cut two people off of my heart. If I do, I'll bleed to death. My mom, she isn't going to change, but Jade … she's flippant and angry and full of hate, but she isn't numb. Numb is so much worse. I look over at Noah who takes my hand and puts it to his lips, presses the most gentle kiss across my knuckles. He's this little blip of color in all of this black and white.

I glance up and can't find Ty or Jade. I'll have to trust that he knows what he's doing. He's good with broken people, Ty is.

“I guess our hike is ruined?” I say as Noah's dog, Never, starts to bark from the area of the play structure. Beth says nothing but gets up to check. Noah, he stays.

“I don't see why it has to be,” he tells me as he brushes some hair from my face. “If you want, you and I could take a short walk together.” He pauses. “Alone.” I look up and try to find Ty one more time before I give him my answer.

“Okay,” I say with a sad smile. “Okay, I'd like that.”