Ten Thousand Lies (15 page)

My heart was going to bound straight out of my chest cavity with happiness.
How did the conversation turn into this?
I wasn’t sure, but I was bloody pleased it had.

“Really?” I asked.

“Mmhmm.”

“What are you doing right this very second, Jaime? And don’t fucking lie for any reason.”

Her breath blasted my ear through the phone. “I’m listening to your voice with my hand down my pants.”

“Fuck,” I groaned.

“You are, too, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” I confessed, no longer caring if she heard me getting meself off.

“What are you like?”

My eyes, which were closed and imagining
her
eyes just inches from mine, sprang open. “Eh?”

“Are you big? Do you shave? Are you snipped?”

“Oh, um…I dunno. Is this sex talk?”

She laughed. “I just want to picture it.”

“I’m not snipped. I don’t shave. And I’ve never really thought about my size.”

“I’ve never been with a non-snipped.”

“Don’t tell me what you’ve been with, Dollface. Right now, I’m pretending you’re with me.”

“What would you be doing to me?”

“I wouldn’t be bothering having a wank, that’s for bloody sure.”

“Mmm…true. I’d be insisting you put it in my mouth—”

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”

“And there’d be some of that after I got you good and ready,” she said, breathless.

“Oh,
fuck
…” I groaned, my bollocks drawing up. My orgasm shot out of me, stringing me up, before I slumped limp into the mattress.

Jaime let out the hottest fucking moan, and my cock shuddered in response.

We were an ocean apart, but we’d somehow touched one another through the phone. Shite, I was bloody quivering; it had been that powerful.

“That was good,” she panted. “We should do this more often. Next time though, you need to tell me all the naughty things you wanna do.”

“You think?”

“Fuck yeah.”

I grinned, wiping my hand on my shirt. “I’ll do my best.”

So started the trend with Jaime and me. Once a week, I’d call, we’d shoot the shit, and then we’d end up touching ourselves to the sounds of each other’s voices.

She had a filthy mouth that always got me off first.

I was queer with the dirty talk, but she never complained. She ended up getting off each time. At least she said she did. The noises she made were the biggest turn-on. If she started moaning, I would blow my fucking load.

I’d never experienced anything like Jaime. My sexual experience was damn near nonexistent, but she was quickly educating me. I’d close my eyes, and I could see and feel all the things she spoke to me about. It was…
fun
. Exciting and perfect.

But time blasted by, a whole year of us talking, laughing, and telling each other how we wished we could touch and kiss. Then, there were only weeks left until she would be here. I’d meet my Dollface in the flesh. I began to panic.

How can I face her? What is she expecting from me?

I didn’t know.

Suddenly, I was scared. Jaime would arrive, and if I couldn’t deliver all we’d fantasized together…

What will she think of me?

The thought of disappointing her in that way was a humiliation I never wanted to feel. With my one and only sexual experience being the terrifying situation it had been, I’d avoided having to suffer something like that ever again.

There were many times I’d wanted to. I
adored
women. It could’ve been so easy to head to De Wallen with Ronen and lose myself in any number of females. But I could never forget my own mother had once been considered nothing more than a lump of lust meat, and to use a woman like that would kill a small part of me. I couldn’t do it.

The secret life I lived also didn’t help in the relationship department.
How could I have a deep and meaningful connection with another person who wasn’t allowed to know everything I had going on in my life?

So, here I was, twenty-seven years old and practically a virgin. Embarrassed for lacking in experience, feeling like a bloody loser who had no clue what to do with a woman, and with Jaime only weeks away from arriving fully into my life, I did the only thing I could think of.

I stopped calling her.

As much as it broke my heart, I was too scared to do anything about it. The more time passed, the more I hated myself, and the less likely she’d understand why I had dropped her like hot shite.

Jaime: Is everything all right?

No, Dollface. I’m a wreck inside, and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to tell you that I adore the soul inside you without wanting to join it with my own. I want to touch you and hold you and kiss you. I want to do all the things we’ve fantasized about together, but I can’t. I can’t bear the thought of disappointing you. I just don’t know how.

She stopped texting me after the first time I didn’t text back.

Same shite, different day.

Then, I got a phone call that I had both been waiting for and dreading at the same time.

“Hey, Ricki!” Xanthe’s voice came through my phone.

“Hey yourself. What’s up?”

“I got my flight booked! I’ll be an official Dutch resident in two weeks. And Jaime, too.”

I hadn’t spoken to Jaime in four weeks and three days. “Oh, yeah? What does Deo say about that?”

Xanthe huffed. “He doesn’t have anything to say. He always knew where I was heading.”

“He tried to convince you to stay though.”

“Yeah, but he couldn’t, so…”

“How come?” I asked.

“It wasn’t ever supposed to be more than what it was.”

“Even though you two love each other to death?”

“Yeah. But if the love isn’t strong enough to want to throw away everything I’ve been planning, then…that’s that. We’re on good terms and everything. He’s got his barber shop, and it’s doing so well. He’s like a respectable caveman, a peer in the community.”

“I know. It’s too bad. I miss him.”

“I know. He misses you guys, too. But it’s probably best if we aren’t all in one area. Amsterdam’s gonna have its hands full with us as it is. Add Deo to the mix, and it’d be like declaring war. We’d win, of course.”

I cracked the fuck up. I knew Deo was a little worse for the wear, not being the man for Xanthe, and I knew that she was, too. The two of them were so right for each other in so many ways.

But in the ways they weren’t…it just outweighed everything else.

“So, when does Jaime get here?” I asked.

“Three weeks. How do you not know this already? I thought you spoke to her at least once a week.”

“I’ve been kind of busy,” I said lamely, my chest aching with the guilt that had been eating me inside out.

“What happened between you two?”

My face grew hot. I could feel the heat radiating from it in waves. “Nothing. How could it?”

“You’re so full of shit, Ricki. She mentioned that you dropped her like a bad habit, but she didn’t say why. Did you have a fight or something?”

“No.”

“Then, what?”

“It’s fucking nothing, Xanthe!” I snapped. “She’s going to be here in a few weeks, and I’ll see and speak to her on a bloody daily basis.”

“Yeah, well, I think you hurt her feelings. She called me to ask if you got killed or something. You won’t answer her texts. It’s kind of shitty, don’t you think?”

“Like I said, I’ve been busy. Between the shop and helping Rex not destroy Wurther’s, not to mention every other bloody thing going on, I haven’t had time to stop and think.”

“Quit being a wanker,” she spit. “Jaime doesn’t deserve
not
being worth someone’s fucking time.”

Even after all these years, every time I heard that name, my heart would pinch. When I’d first started talking to Jaime, I’d thought it was nostalgia; she had
my
name. Then, it’d started happening when I heard her voice. Now, my heart was aching because I was such a coward.

I didn’t know what to do. I’d fallen for a woman I’d never actually met, and the thought of her knowing I was a borderline virgin after all the dirty phone talk scared me shitless.

“My client just walked in, sweetheart. I’ll talk to you later?” I lied. I was alone in the front of the shop.

“Whatever.”

“Love you,” I told her.

“Love you, too.”

I hung up and stared at my screen saver. It was a photo Jaime had sent me a couple of months ago of her sitting on the beach. She had her hair pulled back, showing off a bright smile on her face, her China blues twinkling with happiness. Swallowing around the hard lump in my throat, I tapped into Messages and brought up her last text.

For a few minutes, I stared at the words, the concern written in them.

Then, I located my bollocks.

Me: Just found out when you’ll be arriving. Looking forward to seeing you.

She never replied.

Jaime

As I grabbed my three suitcases filled with everything I owned off the carousel, the impact of what I had just done hit me full force.

I’d left my old life behind—New Jersey, my friends, everything—for the chance to have the life I’d always dreamed of with the people who I loved more than anything else.

Xanthe stood outside baggage claim, a huge smile on her face. Next to her was Rex. I’d missed him, too. Excitement suddenly wiped away my exhaustion, and I hurried up to them. Rex reached out for my crap while Xanthe and I launched ourselves into each other’s arms.

I knew
he
wouldn’t be here, but I supposed a small part of me had hoped that Ricki would have come with them. A slight pain shot through me, remembering when we’d planned our first real meeting.

“I can’t wait to be able to at least give you a hug,” Ricki told me. “All this time, it’s really the only thing I want. To be able to reach out and touch you and know you’re real and not just this enchanting voice in my phone.”

I laughed, feeling a warm, fuzzy bubble bursting all sorts of mushy emotions in my blood. Even my toes and fingertips tingled with the sensations. “Will you meet me at the airport?”

“Try and stop me, Dollface.”

“I’d never.”

That was the
last
time we’d spoken. He’d ignored me up until a few weeks ago when he’d sent me a text. By then, my anger and embarrassment had hardened around my heart to protect the fragile piece of me I’d handed to him, only for him to chuck it back in my face.

I wasn’t angry anymore. That part of me had picked me up and brushed me off. Shit just happened, and it was better to kill it before it could lay eggs and make a mess of things. I was counting on our first time seeing each other to be an awkward experience, but we could ignore that we’d had something strange and wonderful and just be friends.

“Bro Dawg! Yes!” Xanthe cried, squeezing the breath out of me.

“Right!” I shouted in return. “Fucking
finally
!”

“Wait till you see our place. It’s
awesome
! I can’t wait until the end of the month, so we can move in.” Xanthe pulled back. “Are you hungry?”

“I’m starving.” I laughed. “Airline food doesn’t do shit, except give me gas.”

Rex cracked up, pulling me in for a man-sized hug. He smelled good, too. I’d always thought Rex was too good-looking. Never had any romantic feelings for the man, but, my God, I could stare at him for hours. Big and muscular, Rex was sex on legs with a face so gorgeous that it turned people stupid to see it.