Terrorscape (14 page)

That gave her a little under two hours to get ready.
Assuming she didn't have other plans. None came
immediately to mind, but her thoughts had become
lazy, intangible swirls, slipping away into wisps of
vapor the moment they were in her grasp. “Yes.”

“See you then.”
“Uh-huh.”
She was never enough.
She was incomplete.
I am fog
.

▪▫▪▫▪▫▪

She brought the two cans of soda she had stolen
from
the
residential
meetings,
and
two
hoagies
purchased last minute from the Student Union's
Coffee Shack.

Cloverridge Field was right across from the SU. It
was a short walk, not nearly long enough to think
over all the things she feared that she was going to
have to say.

Jade was already there. He had spread an old
blanket out on the damp grass. It looked like it had
been in a car recently, full of wrinkles and lint balls
and mysterious brown stains. Coffee? Blood? “Hey,”
he said, looking up at her. “You get here all right?”

She looked away from the stains. “Yes.”
“You're monosyllabic tonight.”

“I'm
tired.”
She
plopped
down
and
nearly
squished the sandwiches in their little paper bag. She
remembered them just in time and offered him the
larger of the two. “Hoagie?”

He stared at it blankly for a moment before
setting it aside. “Thanks for coming out to see me on
such short notice.”

Remembering her earlier resentment, Val flushed.
“Um…yeah, of course.”

 

“I guess I wanted to talk about where we're
headed as a couple.”

 

A sinking, elevator-like feeling rode her gut. “Uhhuh?”

 

“I'm very…physical in the way I show affection.”

This was true. He was always trying to hold her
hand, kiss her, touching her when she didn't expect it.
It reminded her of James, which made her jump, and
then made her feel guilty for it.

“We've been going out for a month now,” he was
saying, “I'd like to be able to, er, you know. Kiss you
—and more, maybe—without you always flinching
away.”

“I'm sorry,” she said automatically.

“Don't apologize. It's not your fault. I'd just like to
know why—if you can tell me—and whether it's me,
or if it's something I'm doing, or if you just don't like
me.” The words came out all in a rush, as if he was
afraid he wouldn't get them out if he didn't speak
quickly enough. “Which would be okay,” he added,
after
an
uncomfortable
pause.
“I'd
just…like
to
know.”

“I like you,” she said, wondering if the words
were true even as they left her mouth. She was telling
so many lies she didn't half know the truth herself
anymore.

“Then what's wrong?” he persisted gently.
Why
did
people
insist
on
paving
their
conversations with such moral pitfalls?

“Jade, I—”
Why did he have to look at her like that?

She snapped open her can of Coke and took a
swig. “I need to tell you something.”
“Okay.”

“Something…terrible. Really, really terrible.”
He blinked. “What is it? What's wrong?”
“There's a man out there who—wants to kill me.”

The supportive smile dropped from his face,
revealing incredulity and—well, it was almost a sort
of anger. For a moment she was certain that he
had
talked this over with Mary, that the two of them had
been worrying over her like a pair of gossiping old
ladies. Just as quickly, that certainty faded, and the
defensiveness crept back in on furtive legs as he said,
“Kill you?”

“Yes."

 

Tears began to form in her eyes. She blinked them
away impatiently, knowing they made her look weak
and manipulative.

 

“It's true. I swear. My name—my name isn't really
Valerie Klein. I had to change it.”

 

“What, like the witness protection program?”

Val shook her head. “No, in court. But I did have
to change it. He tried to kill me before. I had to
escape. I couldn't leave any traces. But now he's found
me again.”

“If this is a joke—”
“It's not a joke.”
“—it's pretty sick—”

“It's
not
a joke.” She was almost shouting now.
She didn't care. “He's psychotic. Brilliant, but insane.
And twisted. And sadistic. And cruel.”

“Jesus fuck. Even if that's true—how the hell did
you meet this guy? Did you have a run-in with the
mob?”

“No. God, no. Nothing like…that. He seems so
normal. He's a grandmaster, and…an artist,” she
added, after a moment. She wasn't sure why. The
modifier seemed redundant. Unnecessary. Did his
hobbies matter? “He went to my high school.”

“Fuck. I can't believe this.”

 

“You probably hate me now.”

“What?” He stared at her. “No—no, I don't hate
you. But—well—how did this happen? Why haven't
you gone to the police?”

“That would only make him more determined.”

Jade didn't seem to grasp this. He shook his head.
“But it's the police. As in…the police. He'd have to be
crazy to keep—”

“Exactly. He
is
crazy. If I went to the police he
would take it as a challenge. He doesn't think like a
normal person; he doesn't think like you.”

“Obviously not.”

“Everything's a game with him. Something to be
lost—or won. Including me. He tried to win me. And
when that failed, he tried to destroy me.” Glimpsing
his face, she added, “I'm so sorry.” She laid a hand on
his arm. “Please…forgive me.”

“I'm not mad at you.” He looked dazed.

“Well, you should be. I'm a terrible person. I
know I should be locked up somewhere I can't do any
harm. Because the people around me always seem to
be getting hurt. But— I'm too selfish to be alone.”

“That's a terrible thing to say about yourself.”
“It's what people think.”
“Nobody thinks that.”

She pulled away before his fingers could brush
her arm. “They do. They've told me. I know.”
They
think I should kill myself to put me out of their misery
.

“You need to talk to the cops.”

“
No
, Jade. You don't know what he's capable of.
He fooled an entire jury into thinking that he was
sane and
I
was crazy. They dropped all charges
against him, even. He's so persuasive.”

She was still crying. The tears rendered his face
into a compassionate blur.

Val fisted her eyes viciously, rubbing the salt
deeper, and wiped her damp hands on her jeans. She
stared at a yellow dandelion poking its head out of a
patch of clover and sighed. “I've almost forgotten
what it's like not being frightened every day, all the
time.”

Tentatively, he reached out again—this time to
touch her face. She flinched.

 

“Val, I wouldn't hurt you. I'd never hurt you, or
anyone. But especially not you.”

 

She closed her eyes as he ran his fingers down her
cheek, drying her tears.

Gavin had touched her like that—but there had
been a proprietary air to his caresses that was absent
in Jade's. A lack of strength. Gavin always gave her
the vague feeling that he was holding back something
terrible. Something that could be released at any
moment. Jade had nothing to hide.

…Did he?
“Why especially me?”
“Because I like you.”
“Why?”
“Lots of reasons.”

His hand cupped the back of her neck. Her
shoulders tightened instinctively, bracing for the
bruising grip at her throat. But Jade didn't grab her.
He stroked her back, gently kneading the knots of
stress that had snarled up her spine. And she was so
relieved, so
bewildered
that she burst into tears.

His hand froze just below the back of her bra and
he said softly, “What did he do to you?” His touch
remained
gentle,
but
his
voice
could
have
cut
diamond.

Val squeezed her eyes shut and said nothing.

“Please. Talk to me. I want to help you. I can't do
that if you shut me out. I don't want to hurt you. I
don't want to make it worse.”

He was so tame. So eager to please. So completely
unlike the grandmaster.

 

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

“Because—if what you're saying is true—then—
it's not your fault. It's terrible. Horrible. But it's not
your fault.”

She looked at his handsome, worried face and felt
an eerie calm descend upon her as she realized that
she had no fears or doubts that he would do a thing
beyond what she permitted.

This knowledge of her own power elicited new
emotions, heady and strange in the sheer force of
their intensity. Val leaned up into his touch and kissed
him.

It was the first time they had ever kissed.

Perplexed, he kissed her back and brushed a light
butterfly kiss on her forehead before pulling away.
“Let's get you home,” he said, after a pause, “it's
getting la—what are you doing?”

She lowered her hands from her shirtfront. “I
thought…”

“What?” Jade laughed; it was an agonized sound.
“What did you think?”
“I thought you wanted me.”

He flushed a very interesting shade of scarlet. “Of
course I do.”

 

“Then what?”

“For starters?” He looked around. The field was
mostly empty at this time of night, but there were a
few stragglers. “Apart from the fact that anyone could
see? You're not thinking clearly; you're wounded.”

“He didn't rape me.” Her voice sounded uneven,
the ugly word a blunt weapon in her mouth.
Jade winced. “That isn't what I was talking
about.”

It began to annoy her, how calm and placating he
was being. “Then I don't understand.”
“There's more than one way to hurt someone.
Sexually, physically—emotionally.”

Val gritted her teeth until they ached down to the
roots and said, “I'm not wounded.”

“I'd feel like I was taking advantage of you.”
“What if that's what I want?”

He laughed uneasily. “Don't put me in that
position. I'm not one of those guys who carries
around condoms in his wallet. I like you. I don't want
to fuck this up. I really thought that we were just
going to mppphhh.”

This is what I want.

 

It resounded weakly through her body.

This is what I want.
…Isn't it?

Jade kissed her, gently and sweetly, clearly with
experience. James had always been clumsy—
and he'll
never have the chance to get any better
, her brain jumped
in—and Gavin, well, he had been something else
entirely, something unclassifiable.

Don't think about that. Don't think about any of that.
Val let her eyes slip closed as his hand began to
trace circles at her hip.

He broke the kiss and looked at her seriously, just
as she had begun to lose herself. “I hope you're doing
this because you want this, and not because you think
I want this.”

Again, she felt that flicker of irritation.

Jade grinned a little. His eyes were still hesitant.
“Tell me if you want me to stop.” He teased one of the
buttons on her shirt from its hole, spreading his
fingers along the edge to loosen her collar. “At any
time. Please.”

“I trust you.”

 

“That's a lot of responsibility to put on a man.”

He smiled then, a real smile that made him twice as
attractive, and he lowered his head to nibble at her
throat. Val twined her fingers through his hair and
stared unseeingly at the stars.

This is what I want.

She gasped when his teeth scratched against her
skin, arching her back, and, thinking he'd hurt her, he
whispered, “I'm sorry,” and brushed a soft, apologetic
kiss where he had bitten her before placing another
on her mouth.

Because
women
weren't
supposed
to
feel
pleasure.
They
were
supposed
to
feel
only
indifference or, if they were innocent enough, pain.
The very act of lovemaking seemed to require a cold
and sterile surgical precision: a minor procedure
performed without anesthetic because the discomfort
wasn't worth the cost.

Val felt ill suddenly, and pulled away.

Jade had loosened his own shirt the better to
breathe, and she stared at the downy reddish curls on
his chest. The same color hers was—or used to be. He
saw her looking and flushed again. “As they say,” he
mumbled, “the carpet matches the drapes.”

The cold made her shiver, despite her coat. “Will
you hold me?”

 

“You are too sweet.” He laced his fingers with
hers. “Of course I will.”

“Not like that.” She slid his hand down, breaking
contact for a moment, and wrapped his fingers
around her wrist. “Like this.”

A
strange
look
crossed
his
face.
“Is
that
comfortable for you?”

“Mm.” She leaned back, with him on top of her,
and he gently raised her arms over her head, pinning
them against the grass as he snuggled against her, the
long bars of the shadows caging them both in.

One of the shadows made a sudden violent
movement and there was a flash of silver gleaming
with moonlight. Sap oozed, weeping from the trunk
of a sapling like blood from a fresh wound. Leaves
crunched, then rustled.

And then the field was silent once more.

 

▪▫▪▫▪▫▪

 

It was the coldest night of the year, with many
colder ones to come.

Though it was only late October, the leaves
feathered with a gleaming latticework of bristly
hoarfrost. Her breaths rose in a frozen plume up
towards the gibbous moon as she walked back to the
dorm.
Seeing Jade had left her feeling emptier.

She had been looking at the calendar ever since
their first awkward date. Counting the days, the
weeks, wondering when she would finally be forced
to sleep with him. Each passing day meant that she
was a day closer to that momentous decision.

She liked Jade, found him attractive even, but the
idea of him naked, in a bed, with her, made her feel
vaguely
repulsed.
Nauseated,
almost.
She
had
realized that, when she felt his erection dig lightly
into her stomach as he kissed her.

A cold wind rustled the leaves of the nearby trees.
To her left was a little enclave replete with picnic
tables and willow trees arched in a graceful swoop. To
her right was a knot of juniper and cypress, and she
could smell the piney scent from here, so pungent it
stung.