Tethered (J + P series) (12 page)

I let out a big breath and turned my attention back to the controls, “I needed some music.  My day has kinda sucked and I just needed to get away from it for awhile.”

“Want me to leave?” he questioned. 

“No, please,” I added too hurriedly, “I left the door open on purpose, hoping for some company.”

“Cool,” he planted his-self comfortably on the worn out couch. “Wanna' talk about what turned your day bad?”

I thought about it, but shook my head.  “Nah, too complicated.”  I really wanted to tell him, but most people thought I was making it up.  People could not believe my life was so screwed up, he'd probably think the same way.  I decided to change the subject.  “So, wanna' share the details about the fight you and Greg had?”

“He was being a dick.  He wouldn't tell me what number he had for the lottery.  I don't know what his deal was but we exchanged some not-so-nice words and before you knew it we were pushing and shoving each other.”

“This happened in your room?!”  I ask astonished.   He nods.  “And your hand?”  He lifts it before his face and studies it for a moment.

“We both shouted and pushed each other, but in the end I was so pissed that I hit the brick wall and left.  I never intended on fighting over something so childish.” he shook his head in disbelief.

“Can I see it?”

“My knuckles?” he asked.  I nod with curiosity.

He unwrapped his hand and there were scabs forming on three of the knuckles.  The skin looks bruised around them as well.

“Looks like you socked that wall pretty good.  Is it still standing?”  I joked, hoping to lighten both of our moods.  
 

“Yes, but not for long.” he teased back.  Jared was awful cute when he was joking around with me.  It also was pretty hot hearing him talk about the fight between Greg and him.  I needed to get Greg's side of the story soon.  They were irritating each other because they were friends coming into this roommate situation.  And now they were around each other so much that their individual quirky behaviors were irritating one another.  I felt bad for them; I liked them both and hoped their friendship did not dissolve completely.

“You know, you are just getting on each other's nerves.  Maybe you should study outside of the room a little more.  Maybe study in here or at the library.” I suggested.  “I guess I should feel lucky, with Gabby flunking out I don't even have to deal with roommate drama.”

“That's right; I forgot that Gabby flunked out.  You really are lucky to have that room to yourself.” he said enviously.

“It's OK, but sometimes I wish I had a roommate, you know – someone to chat with at bedtime, or be sure you make it home from a party all right.”  Jared looked at me and considered what I just said, “Nah, I wouldn't mind the solitude of a solo room.  I still think you got the best deal.”  I turned back to the controls and grabbed the next CD to put in.

“Sorry you had a crappy day.” he said with a sideways smile on his face.

“Thanks.  And thanks for keeping me company in here.”  I said.   We spent the next hour and a half in there listening to deep, emotion-filled songs and exchanged light banter between us. 

When I felt better, we decided to close up the station and head back to our rooms.   He approached me and got very close to me.  In fact, he was so close that our Chuck Taylor's were touching and I could feel his breath when he spoke.  He looked down at me, studying my face.  “You gonna' be OK?”  I nodded my head and looked down.  I was not sure if I was going to be OK and I didn't want him to see that in my eyes.  I didn't feel suicidal, but I did feel like all this negativity was rotting my soul away.  It's like I was tethered to a whipping post and couldn't get free.  Each negative comment or action was a scar on my soul, how much more could I endure?  I didn't want Jared to see that in my eyes.  He wrapped his arms around me and gave me a hug.  “If you ever wanna' talk about it, you know where I am.”  I loved this boy, I needed him.

“Goodnight Jared.  Thanks.”  As I walked away, I could still feel his eyes on me. 

Chapter 20

April

Several weeks passed and it's the same routine day in and day out.   We made it to the DisGrace concert and enjoyed ourselves immensely.  Greg and Jared seemed to be on better terms and finals and the end of our freshman year were quickly approaching.

On Monday my R.A. knocked at my door just before dinner.  “Hey Perry, I need to chat with you a moment.”  Usually the RA only knocked at your door if she wanted to confront you about a broken rule.  I was not nervous, because I couldn't possibly be in trouble.

“What's up?”

“Well, we need to move a girl into your room two days from now.” she said cautiously.  I was in shock.  I had been without a roommate for 3 ½ months and a month before finals they were going to put a roommate in with me?!  That's nuts.

“Why?” was all I could think to ask.

“Well, she and her current roommate have restraining orders against each other and they need to be separated.”

“Great.” I said sarcastically.  “Not only do I have to adjust to a new roommate, but I get one with a restraining order.”

“Please Perry, we have no other options.”

“Fine.  But I want to know what furniture she has.  My parents are coming to visit this weekend and they can take back anything that's a duplicate. So especially tell me if she has a fridge or TV.”

“You got it” she replied, “and thanks.”

I walked away pissed.  In my room I ran my hands through my hair, considered how this would upset the balance of my last month on campus.  How could I think about studying for finals while trying to get used to living with a new person?

At dinner that night I broke the news to my friends.  They couldn't believe it and offered me their sympathy.  That night I stayed up till 3AM watching MTV.   I would probably miss being able to watch TV whenever I wanted once my roommate arrived.  The next morning was Saturday.   My R.A. came by to tell me that my new roommate's name was Cindy and she had no TV and no fridge.  I worked on homework till my parents arrived to take me out to lunch.

“Hi Perry.”  My parents arrived early, just as always.  After exchanging a few pleasantries, we decided to enjoy the beautiful weather and walk around campus before heading to lunch.   I was hoping for a pleasant visit with them, but I still felt a bit on guard.  “So, with finals a few weeks away, do you have any idea if your grades are OK?” my dad inquired.

“I think I am doing well. As long as I pass my finals I should see A's and B's.” I said confidently.

“Good to hear.  How do you think adding a new roommate will affect your studies?” he asked.

“I don't know, but I don't really have a say in it.  I hope it doesn't affect my studies at all.”

“Have you met her yet?” my mom asked. 

“Nope, she moves in tomorrow.”

“I see you got your weight back down.  What are we going to do with this hair next?” she looked at my hair with a disgusted face.  I clicked my tongue and let out a defeated sigh.  Could she ever be around me without looking for a flaw? 

“Nothing, we are doing nothing.  What's wrong with my hair anyway?” I asked defensively.

“It's just not styled properly and there is no shine to it.”

“Mom, it's the weekend.  I put my hair in a ponytail.  I am SORRY I have not dolled myself up enough for you.  I like my hair.  Can you just drop it?”  I pleaded.  But I knew my plea fell on deaf ears.  In all of the times I had every asked her to stop ragging on me about something, she had never listened to me.  My words meant nothing.  My boundaries were so invisible to her, that she treaded back and forth over them on a frequent basis. 

We finally made it to the restaurant where I hoped the meal would keep our mouths occupied enough to spare us from starting in on each other again.  We chose to eat at a place called Marta's.  It had great German food and was set up like a German pub.    I ordered the potato pancakes.  They reminded me of my Grandma's home cooked food and I had been hungry for something savory.  My mom ordered a plate with sausage and potato pancakes.  I kept feeling her eyes on me with each bite I took.  I knew she was judging me and thinking negatively about me, especially since I was eating.  I tried to enjoy my meal and feel grateful that she had not said anything derogatory to me yet.

After lunch, they walked me back to the dorm and say their goodbyes,

The next day my new roommate arrived. She had two boys helping move her items.  I noticed them bringing a fridge and TV into the room.  “I was told you didn't have a fridge or TV.  That kinda sucks.  We don't have a lot of room in here and had I known you had these, I could have sent mine home with my parents.”  Cindy just shrugged and smiled, “Oh well, misunderstanding I suppose.”

I gave her some time to herself in the room.  Besides, how could I study in there while she was up and down, all around, moving her furniture?  I headed to Greg and Jared's to complain.

“Perry, you know you can hang with us anytime.  I mean, you need to sleep in there since girls aren't allowed to sleep in the boys’ wing, but the daytime hours, just hang with us.”  Greg offered.  I loved these boys.

“Thanks, I don't want to occupy your time and space though.”

“Whatever, don't be stupid – just hang with us when you need to get away from restraining order roomie!”  I laughed at Greg's nickname for Cindy.

At 10PM I went back to my room to go to bed.  My roommate was already asleep and the room had an incredibly strong smell of sausage and pizza.  I hoped I would not dream of having a giant sausage run after me, trying to shove pizza down my throat.

In the morning I let Cindy know my schedule for the day.  She did not offer me her schedule so I just grabbed my books and headed to class.  After my second class of the day, I returned to the dorm to exchange books and eat some lunch.  When I walked in the room, I found my roommate under a thick blanket, all the lights were on (even though it was 11AM and sunny outside), the heater blasting, and watching trashy talk shows.  It must have been 85F in the room.  “Hey Cindy, you feeling OK?” I asked.

“Yeah, why?”

“It's just REALLY hot in here.” she looked up at me surprised.  “No it's not.”  I nodded in a confused way, because I couldn't understand how she was not melting from the heat in this room.  The smell of sausage and pizza was even stronger in this heat.  “What's that smell?” I asked. 

“Oh, we had pizza yesterday, must just be from the fridge.” and I think to myself that this has gone from my cavern of solitude to a hot box I wanted to avoid.  I officially decided that I would be Greg and Jared's third roommate during daylight hours.

Chapter 21

May

In the last push before the year ended, I had to endure one more emotionally trying event.  Tara, Jen's roommate, had been hanging around our group a lot more since she and her boyfriend broke up.  She was more of a self-righteous animal rights/vegan kind of girl.  One day, while studying in Jared and Greg's room, there was a knock at the door.  Jared jumped up to answer it.  I was surprised to see Tara there.  She never sought out these two guys before.  Maybe she was looking for me.  “Ready to go?” she asked.  “Yep.” and Jared shut the door behind him and followed Tara to God knows where.  I tried to remain calm, but felt like my jaw was on the floor.  I looked at Greg for any sign of him knowing what just happened.

“What was that about?” I asked.

“I don't know” he said with a shrug.  “Maybe he's trying his luck with Tara.  He always thought she was cute and now that she is available, he probably wants to see where it goes.”  I am not supposed to care about this.  I am not supposed to care about him.  I was doing just fine with having Greg and Jared as friends.  But all of those times he reached out and showed that he gave a damn about my life – I thought I had a different connection with him than everyone else.  Maybe I was wrong.  Maybe it was just a simple gesture that friends would do for each other.  I didn't know if I was emotionally able to watch them try out this relationship right in front of me.  A random girl was easier for me to stomach than Tara.  Tara.  What a bitch.

“What the hell.  Didn't you just say to me recently that everyone but Jared knew I liked him?”  I ask perplexed.

“Yeah.”

“Apparently, Tara has no respect for the girl code.  She should know he is off limits.  I have talked about him enough.” I said exasperated.  Greg just shrugged.  Jared was letting his hormones take over and Tara was not a good enough friend to care about my feelings.

The study session with Greg was a wash.  I just stared at the pages of my Chemistry book, stewing over the betrayal of Tara.  I would have words with her about this.  Hopefully Jen would not be there because it was gonna' get ugly. 

Just before dinner I went back to my room.  I heard giggling in the hall and saw Jared and Tara standing too close together in her room.  I put my key in my lock and tried to escape to my room as quickly as possible.  I was not ready to confront the two of them just yet.  My escape from them was the hot pepperoni and sausage room.  I looked across the room and found my roommate under a blanket, watching trashy TV AGAIN.  Maybe her past roommate went crazy from the heat and smell and attacked her.  My God, I couldn't stand to hang out in here.  I grabbed my dining card and left.

In the dining hall I saw Jen and Edward.  They had been together for most of the school year and they looked as in love with each other as they did on day 1.  I decided to sit by them and see what Jen knew.

“Umm, what's going on with Tara and Jared?”

“I wondered when you would see them.” Jen said while squirming in her chair from the uncomfortable direction the conversation took.  “I think they are kinda dating.”

“Since when?!”  I asked in disbelief.

“Since yesterday.  Do you still have feelings for him?” she asked.

“I don't know, no, I mean he is not mine.  But on the other hand, I have liked him for so long, I thought EVERYONE knew that.”

Jen looked at me in an apologetic way, “I'm not sure Tara cares about that.” 

I needed to have a talk with her tonight before their relationship developed further.

After dinner, I found Tara alone in her room.  “So, are you and Jared an item?”

“Um, I guess, we just started dating.” she said confidently.  I could see in her eyes that she was enjoying my defeat.

“Why Jared?  Don't you know I have liked him since the day I saw him?”

“Well, I guess this is what happens when you aren't obvious enough with your feelings toward someone.  You snooze, ya' lose.” she sneered at me.   I was seeing red.  I was so mad that I felt tears bubbling in my eyes.  I did NOT want her to see me cry over this.  She couldn't have that satisfaction.  “I barely liked you before, but now...now I despise you.”  I turned and stormed out, I went toward the stairs to escape to the radio station.  Maybe Jared would come in like last time and keep me company and put a bandage on another wound.  Who was I kidding?  Why would he care about me? And what would I do if he sis shows up?  Would I be forthright with my feelings?  Would I yell at him and tell him he is an oblivious idiot who keeps sending me mixed messages?

I spun the CDs, but no Jared showed up, no anybody.  All alone in the radio station with my thoughts and sorrow.  After an hour and a half I closed up and went back to my room.  It was close enough to bedtime that I decided to clean up and head to bed. 

On the way back from the bathroom, I heard giggling and chatting from Jen's room.  As I slipped my key into our door, I steal a look over my shoulder into their room.  Tara and Jared are entwined and reclined on the couch in their room.  Jen was in there doing homework at her desk, but it was not interrupting their intimate moment. I closed the door quickly behind me.  I needed for this to end.  I needed to be done with this year and go home for the summer.  I needed to be drama free for awhile.  I officially gave up on Jared.  Tara could have him.  I sat in a bean bag and watched trashy TV with my roommate.  She was surprised to see me hanging out with her and filled me in on the drama unfolding on the TV.  When I was sleepy enough, I climbed up into bed and attempted to sleep.  But sleep did not come, only tears.  I couldn't get the image of Jared and Tara entwined out of my head.