The Afterlife series Box Set (Books 1-3) (55 page)

“So she will still kill herself? Even though her life is changed?”

Rahmiel sighed. “I am sorry, sweetheart. You did change her destiny, but you didn’t prevent her from ending in the psychiatric hospital. She is still there.”

My eyes became wide. “Why? I don’t understand. How? … If she didn’t kill him?”

“She never was going to kill him.”

“But … she went toward him with the knife. She had all the anger … she was definitely going to kill him.”

Rahmiel shook her head again. “Rosey would have died in that fight. The killer would have killed her in the end.”

I felt the room started to spin around me. Was she
supposed
to die? Had I instead saved Rosey’s life?

“But the Se’irims were there. They were waiting for her to kill him!”

Rahmiel sighed deeply. “I am afraid they were there for Rosey.”

“For Rosey?”

“They knew if Rosey had died that day, they could have taken her.”

“What? Why?”

“She was so filled with hatred that our spirits would have been unable to get to her. The shield of anger would have prevented it.”

“Wow! Really?” I remembered how I had tried to hold on to Jason when he had that shield around him, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t even touch him.

“Yes, you saved her, and now she can go to be with her family once she dies. You made that possible.”

“But … was it my fault that she ended up in that psychiatric hospital, and lived a horrible life?” That didn’t make me feel well.

“You might say that, but you could also argue that you saved her eternity.”

My head hurt. I couldn’t quite grasp what she was telling me. So they had to know that I would do this when they designed the assignment, because if I hadn’t, there wouldn’t be any assignment at all. Rosey would have been dead eight years ago and would have gone to the dark side. “So it was all a part of my assignment, a part of my education?”

Rahmiel nodded with a smile. “That is right. But you are not done just yet. You still need to help her once she dies.”

So now I finally understood how my story was connected to Rosey’s, and for once I really looked forward to seeing her again. A part of me felt guilty because I had put her in that situation, but another felt happy for having made it possible for her to be with her family for eternity. But whatever my emotions were telling me, I suddenly felt much closer to Rosey. I looked forward to helping her.

All of a sudden I felt a huge tiredness come over me like a wave covering a beach during a storm. I fought it but my eyelids kept closing as I dozed off for a second.

“I should leave so you can rest,” Rahmiel said. Then she sighed. “But first there is one thing I have to talk to you about.”

I opened my eyes again and stared at her. She looked very serious and that made me wake up immediately. I wasn’t used to seeing her like this. “What is it?”

She held on to my hand and looked me into my eyes. “Sweetheart, I have to tell you something. The doctors here in the hospital noticed it when they were examining you.”

A thousand thoughts entered my mind. Was I sick? Was there something in me that shouldn’t be there? But whatever I thought off could never compare to the reality that was about to hit me. I looked at Rahmiel’s beautiful red lips as her mouth formed the words.

“You are pregnant.”

At first I wasn’t sure if I had heard it right. I stared at her for a long time without saying anything.

“Did you hear me?” Rahmiel asked. “You are pregnant.”

It felt like I had been hit with something really heavy and now she was hitting me with it again. Only one word came to my mind. “How?”

“I thought you would know better than me,” Rahmiel said.

A million thoughts were in my head at once, but only one stood out from the others. Suddenly I knew perfectly well when and with whom.

“Is it Mick’s?” asked Rahmiel like she had read my mind.

I felt like crying but kept it together. I looked at her and nodded. She looked at me with serious eyes. “Then you’d better tell him.”

C
HAPTER 23

 “
I
T’S IMPOSSIBLE,”
I
KEPT
mumbling long after Rahmiel had left me. I suddenly didn’t feel sleepy at all. I stared into the marble ceiling above me, feeling like I couldn’t move, like my body had gone numb.

“I can’t be. I’m dead. Dead people don’t have children, do they?” Thoughts were twirling fast through my mind. How did spirits have babies anyway? I had never known that they could even get pregnant. Would it be like having babies on earth? I lifted the covers and stared at my belly. It seemed like it already had a bulge. I ran my fingers over it. It felt like a hard rock under my fingertips. I turned my torso while I was staring at it. But I couldn’t possibly already see it, could I? Did it go that fast? I didn’t know anything about pregnancy or having children—not here, not on earth—but I was pretty sure that it didn’t go that fast. Maybe my abdomen had always been like this. It was less than two weeks since Mick and I had … did it go that fast? Maybe it did in this world. Time did go slower up here than on earth, and maybe being pregnant was completely different. I was actually around six weeks pregnant in earthly time. Would I be pregnant for nine months like on earth? Would it be nine earthly months? Because that would be about three months up here.

I didn’t feel any different. Nothing had changed inside of me, or so it seemed, but in reality it had. Something was growing inside of me. Could I even call it a new life? What world would the child belong to? Would it have a body of flesh and bone or be a spirit like Mick and me? How did this work?

I felt so confused and alone as I was lying there staring at the ceiling. I didn’t know what to think or what to do. The only thing I knew was that I really had to talk to Mick. But what would I say? How did I tell him? And where did that put me in relation to Jason? Was I supposed to forget about him and be with Mick because of the child? I didn’t owe Mick anything, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be with him after that night. I wasn’t sure I could trust him any longer. His jealousy and anger had become worse. Would he be able to control it? I wasn’t sure. But it was his child. No doubt about that. So what could I do? What were my options? Did I have any?

I was out of the hospital three days later and back in my dormitory. The girls and Abhik tried to help me catch up on what I had missed in class and the next few days I was really busy reading and getting up to date so I would be able to graduate with the others in the spring. It was tough, since my thoughts were in many different places. I didn’t tell anyone. I had to tell Mick first of all and I hadn’t figured out how to do that just yet. I didn’t see him at all at the school. It was like he was hiding from me, avoiding me. He didn’t even visit me in the hospital. I didn’t appreciate that, but I figured he was still too embarrassed and that he thought that I was better off without him. I knew him well enough to know how he thought. He was probably still beating himself up over having forced me that night. And now I was about to tell him that on top of it all he had made me pregnant.

How will he react to that?
I thought one evening as I stared out the window from my favorite spot in our dormitory. My hand gently caressed the small bump between my hips. It had grown a lot in the last couple of days and even though I was still the only one who could see it, it was clear to me now that something was happening inside of me. I could no longer ignore it. My concern was that I knew Mick would probably be happy about the baby. He might even be thrilled, but I didn’t want him to think that it meant that we were going to be a family. I hadn’t decided if I wanted to be with him or not. Plus there was the subject of Jason. I had seen him once at dinner in the Hall, but only spotted him from far away. I didn’t have the courage to go to him but I felt a huge pinch in my heart. Had it been a couple of weeks ago, I would have walked over there and spoken to him, but things were different now. My circumstances were changed, and I had no idea how to tackle it, how to deal with it all.

As the moon looked at me from above the forest I decided that I would find Mick and tell him everything the following day. I didn’t want to postpone it any longer. It was time to face him.

So I went to the kitchen as the first thing in the morning, before any of my roommates woke up. Usually Mick came in early in the morning, but this day he wasn’t there when I entered. I was confused to find the kitchen empty. I decided that he had to be on his way so I sat on the table and waited. Meanwhile a million thoughts went through my head. I kept picturing Mick. How would he react? Then I started practicing how I would tell him. “Mick … I ‘m pregnant.” The word felt so wrong in my mouth. It was actually a word I had never thought I would have to say. “Mick we are having a baby,” I tried but then I stopped myself. I wasn’t even sure that it was a baby who was going to come out of me. Was it a baby if it didn’t have a body like a baby? Would it be as cute? I ignored the thought. It was too silly, and I had other problems to face right now. Like how was I going to tell Mick that yes, we are having a baby, but … I am still not marrying you, I don’t think … I mean … I am not sure. I sighed deeply and hid my face in my hands. This wasn’t easy.

As I sat there and felt sorry for myself, Mick entered the room. But he wasn’t alone. With him he had a young girl about my age and a man. I heard their voices and looked up. I immediately recognized the two visitors he brought. I got down from the table. Mick smiled when he saw me. It made me warm inside. I had missed his smile. He looked good. He didn’t seem as tormented by guilt as I had expected him to be. He stopped and looked at me.

“You look amazing,” he said and caused me to blush. “Ravishing.”

“Thanks,” I whispered shyly.

“I was just about to go out and find you,” he said and turned his head to look at his guests. “I finally found Amanda and John for you, as promised.”

“Mandy,” I said and flew toward the girl. I immediately forgot everything about why I had come. The girl was exactly the same height as me and about the same age as well. I felt I knew her so well and wanted to hug her, but since she knew so little about me I shook her hand instead. “I am so glad to meet you. You have no idea how glad I am.”

“Well, likewise,” she said and smiled. “This is my dad.”

I turned to him and shook his hand as well. “John,” he presented himself.

“Thanks for coming,” I said. “I feel like I know you so well, but you have no idea who I am, right?”

They shared a look and shook her heads. “Not really,” Mandy said. “But Mick assured us that it was important.”

“It is of great importance to me … and to your mother.”

Their faces grew serious as they looked at each other and then back at me. “So this is about her?” Mandy asked. Her voice grew thicker and I sensed that it was a sensitive subject. It was for me too. I really wanted to help her since I was the one putting her in that situation. Not that it wasn’t in some weird way the best for her, but still. I wanted to provide some comfort to her in any way for her last days on earth. She deserved that much.

“Have you visited her lately?” I asked and showed them to the table where we sat down. Mick provided breakfast for us while we spoke.

Mandy shook her head. “It’s been a few years,” she said and looked at her dad before she looked at the floor.

“Do you mind if I ask why that is?” I said.

John took over. “It wasn’t doing us or her any good any longer. We can’t help her anymore and it was making Mandy miserable. It hurt so bad to see her ruin her own life like that. In the beginning we tried and tried, but she kept listening to the wrong voices and making the wrong choices. We couldn’t help her. She put herself in that place.”

I was surprised to hear that. “So you know that she is in a psychiatric hospital?”

Amanda nodded heavily. “I tried so hard to help her. I came to visit her every day ever since I got my file and graduated from this Academy. But she kept getting worse. She had all those voices in her head telling her to do stupid things. She became more and more ill until she finally went into her own world, where she was completely unreachable. She was in already in her own prison when they put her in a real prison. I tried to talk to her every day, but she wouldn’t listen. She was in such a strong bondage from her anger and sorrow and bitterness that I couldn’t help her anymore. It was the hardest thing I had to do, but I had to let her go. I couldn’t keep coming there and seeing her get worse.” Amanda leaned on her dad’s shoulder. “I just couldn’t bear it.”

“You have to understand that we did all we could,” he explained while comforting his daughter. “We still love her with all our hearts, but she has chosen the life she is living now. She let the wrong things into her mind and let it poison her heart. When someone does that, they are out of our reach.”

I swallowed hard as I listened to this story. It had such a resemblance to mine and Jason’s. I had done the same thing. I had tried so hard, but eventually I had to let him go. I had to give up on him. And it broke my heart. I couldn’t do anything to help any longer and he too made all the wrong choices, doing drugs and even selling them to others to make money for his own addiction. “I think I might know how you feel,” I said and put my hand on Amanda’s arm. “I went through something similar recently.”

Amanda smiled through her silent tears. “Well, my mother is your assignment, right? Your third-year project, so it isn’t that weird. You are supposed to learn something from this.”

I nodded. It did make sense. A lot of sense in fact. “I guess you are right.”

“So she is coming soon?” John asked while Mandy wiped her eyes dry.

“In two months,” I said.

John and Amanda looked at each other and laughed a soft and relieved laughter. It made me feel really good to be able to tell them that.

“So we will get to see her and talk to her soon?” Mandy said with moist eyes.