The Baby Verdict (14 page)

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Authors: Cathy Williams

BOOK: The Baby Verdict
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‘I haven't found anything yet,' Jessica muttered under her breath.
‘Dear, oh, dear. Now, that makes no sense at all. Does it?'
She said nothing, feeling trapped.
‘Which is probably why I don't buy the
I'm suddenly disillusioned
excuse.' He stared at her coolly and with a degree of calculation that made her nervous system go into overdrive. Her mind raced ahead, attempting to pre-empt all possible arguments he could throw at her, but nothing in her head appeared to be working efficiently.
‘I really don't care what you buy or don't buy.' Brave words, she thought miserably, if it weren't for the fact they were sabotaged by the shakiness of her voice.
‘Sure about that?'
‘What are you talking about?'
He folded his arms and surveyed her unhurriedly and dispassionately.
‘I find it a bit coincidental that we shared a weekend together, and then suddenly you decide to quit.'
A chill was beginning to crawl up her spine.
‘I've always enjoyed crosswords,' he mused pensively. ‘I like the challenge posed to the intellect. The knowledge that, however convoluted the clue is, there's an answer and the answer is clear provided your brain's working in the right direction.'
That chill was now spreading outwards, numbing her. She felt as though she were being pulled along behind something very fast and quite unstoppable. She could barely breathe, never mind open her mouth and try to change the course of this remorseless reasoning.
‘I looked at your letter of resignation and none of it made any sense,' he continued, relentless and implacable. ‘Believe it or not, I did consider your original line of argument, that you had become turned off the nature of the work, but I dismissed that almost immediately for the reasons I gave you.' He smiled, but there was nothing remotely warm about it. Her hands, resting on her knees, felt clammy.
‘Which made me wonder whether you had had a falling out with someone you work with, but I was certain that that wasn't the case... Of course, there was the slight chance that you found yourself unable to manage Robert's job, but that wasn't it, was it? I've been keeping tabs on you and I would have been the first to have heard. Which in turn led me to think that perhaps our weekend together meant more to you than you had said at the time.'
She felt her body still. Her brain had turned over that horrifying thought so often in the past few weeks that it had physically hurt, and still the answer to the question eluded her.
‘Maybe you'd nurtured cosy little thoughts of togetherness... Maybe that was why you wouldn't contemplate seeing me on a casual basis once we got back...maybe you wanted more than that...much more...' He let the insinuation hang in the air between them, until mortification at the prolonged silence forced her into speech.
‘Hardly. But of course you'd find that hard to believe because your ego wouldn't allow it.' She could feel herself on the brink of anger once again, but somehow she couldn't quite sustain the feeling. It slithered through her fingers like sand, until she was left clutching her fear and trepidation once more.
He shrugged, as though her observation was neither here nor there. Mere words.
His eyes were watchful now, though. She could sense him focusing every ounce of his attention on her, and it was debilitating.
‘Perhaps, I thought, you'd been hit harder than you had anticipated, and you felt that your only move would be to get out of the company, to escape from my orbit. But that made no sense either. Because we could go for the next few years and not see one another, couldn't we? It's hardly as though we work under the same roof, in the same building.' He was leaning forward now, and his energy was so intense that she could feel it wrap itself around her like a vice.
‘I don't know where this is taking us!' she said, springing to her feet. Panic had swept through her, turning her words into staccato bursts. ‘Whatever my reasons for leaving, they're none of your business!'
‘Sit back down,' he said with deadly quietness. ‘Now!' His command cracked through the air like a whiplash, and she sank back into the chair, heart racing.
‘I'm about to say something and if I'm wrong, then I'll walk out of that door and that will be the last you ever see of me again. But I've considered all the options, and I think the reason you've handed in your notice affects me quite a bit.'
Jessica swallowed painfully, aware that her mouth was dry.
‘I have no idea what you're getting at,' she said bravely. ‘And I think that it's time you left. I've quit and that's all there is to it. You can't force an explanation out of me, and you can't force me to go back to work for you.'
‘You're pregnant, aren't you?'
It was a question, but posed as a statement, and the blood rushed to her head like a tidal wave, suddenly freed from all constraints. She found that she couldn't speak, couldn't think. The drumbeat in her ears was too loud, and even as she maintained her horrified silence she knew that it pronounced the truth of what he had just said.
She should have rushed in to defend herself, cried out in amused denial, anything but sit there in silence.
‘Don't be ridiculous.' Her voice was barely above a whisper, and unsteady. Her hands, clasped on her lap, were shaking, and she quickly stuck them under her thighs, sitting on them.
‘Why don't you save us forty minutes of pointless discussion on the subject, and just admit it? You're leaving because you're carrying my baby.' He raked his fingers through his hair and stood up, as though the words had generated a level of energy in him that had to be worked off.
He began pacing the room and she followed him with her eyes.
‘And did you have any intention of telling me?' he asked grimly, walking over to her and leaning over her, his hands on either side of her arm rests, so that she was compelled to push herself into the chair.
‘Please go.'
‘I'm not leaving this house until you tell me the truth!' The words sliced through the air like a knife.
‘It's true. I'm pregnant.' There was nothing to be gained by lying. She might get rid of him temporarily, but she knew that he would return, over and over, waiting to see her swelling stomach, waiting to see his accusations verified. And she could hardly move house in an attempt to escape him, could she?
‘I thought...'
‘That it was the perfect ploy to find yourself a husband?' he sneered, and she flung her head back, shocked and furious at where his thinking was carrying him.
‘How dare you...?'
‘How dare I what...Jessica? Push you into a corner?'
‘Get out!'
‘Or else what? You'll throw me out? Hardly.' He laughed coldly, and she struggled to match this ice-cold stranger in front of her with the sensuous, witty man who had made her laugh and made love to her, and changed the course of her life.
He was still looming over her, so close that his face was almost touching hers. ‘Was that the plan? A carefully orchestrated weekend of lovemaking, with just enough protests about independence to stave off any worries I might have had about your becoming clingy, and a pregnancy at the end of it? Pregnancy and marriage? Was that the idea, Jessica?' His voice had grown steadily harsher, and as she looked at him in horror she could feel herself breathing quickly.
‘You're mad,' she finally whispered. ‘How could you imagine for a minute that I
planned
this pregnancy?' She gave a bitter, shallow laugh.
He couldn't have been further from the truth. She closed her eyes and relived that weak, collapsing feeling as she had stood in her bathroom and stared as two blue lines had appeared in their little windows on that tester. She couldn't begin to explain the emotion that had swept over her, but at no time had she felt the slightest inclination to tell him what had happened. From the start she had seen it as uniquely
her
problem.
‘Are you denying it?'
‘Does it matter one way or the other? You're going to believe what you want, anyway.'
‘Answer me! Dammit!'
She almost expected him to get hold of her and shake her, but his hands remained gripping the sides of the chair, his white knuckles a testimony to what he was feeling. Fury, she guessed, suddenly weary with the whole thing. His mind was probably working overtime as well at the thought of how he could wriggle out of the situation. As far as she was concerned, he had nothing to worry about on that score.
‘You're a sick man if you think that I would get myself pregnant for the sole purpose of trapping you into marriage. I made a mistake, it's as simple as that. I calculated that I wouldn't be in a fertile period, and my calculations were wrong, probably only by a couple of days, but a miss is as good as a mile in this instance, isn't it?' His breath fanned her face and she had to steel herself to meet his eyes. ‘I know you think there's a huge female contingent out there, gasping for the privilege of trapping you into marriage, but I'm not one of them. Whether you believe me or not is up to you. I'm sorry you found out—'
‘Because, fired as you are with moral ethics, you had no intention of telling me.' His mouth twisted angrily, and she flinched.
‘This is
my
problem,' she said fiercely.
‘And nothing whatsoever to do with me?'
‘That's right!'
‘An Immaculate Conception. The Pope would be interested.'
‘You know what I mean.'
‘Explain it to me, why don't you?'
‘I don't understand you,' Jessica muttered. ‘One minute you're raging at me because you think I'm a conniving gold-digger. The next minute, you're raging at me because you think I'm not.' Their eyes met and she held his narrowed stare, even though it was hard.
She was the first to look down, and it was a relief when he pushed himself away from the chair and went to sit on the sofa.
‘You made it quite clear what sort of man you are,' she said, pausing in between her words to harness her thoughts into some semblance of order. ‘Fast lane with work, fast lane with women. Wasn't one of your complaints that your last girlfriend was getting a little too cosy for your liking?' She stared mutinously at him, daring him to contradict her, but he remained silent. ‘I respect that. The last thing I intended to do was push you into a corner, force you into premature responsibility with someone you barely know.'
‘So your plan was...what? Exactly?'
‘To cope on my own,' she told him. ‘Isn't that obvious?'
‘And coping on your own starts by your handing in your notice, thereby cutting off your income.'
‘I had no choice,' Jessica said through gritted teeth.
‘So now you have no job...what then?'
‘I intend to find another job.'
‘Doing what?'
‘The same sort of thing I was doing before,' she snapped tensely.
‘Oh, but correct me if I'm wrong. Permanent jobs are a bit thin on the ground for women who are pregnant, aren't they? Don't employers look askance at women who will only be available for work for a matter of a few months?'
‘Temp work, then,' she said uncomfortably.
‘Does that pay well?'
‘I'm sure I could find something...' Her voice dwindled off and she stared down at her fingers, frowning.
‘Filing? Typing? Temp workers get the dregs of the work and they're paid relatively little. A pittance when you consider that you intended to cover some substantial costs. Of course, you might have a large amount of savings stashed away somewhere, for just such a rainy day as this...'
‘I could make do...'
‘Without money and without family support...'
Jessica glared at him, wishing that she had never let slip confidences which were now being used against her.
‘I can manage.'
‘And your problems don't cease with the birth of the baby, do they?' he carried on relentlessly. She could feel tears gathering in the corners of her eyes and she blinked them away. ‘You'll have to get your act together and find yourself a damn good job once the baby's born if you're to cover the costs of what...childcare? Nursery? And all that on your own.'
‘Are you suggesting that I... terminate this pregnancy?' She could barely form the words. The thought of doing any such thing disgusted her and if that was the route he was heading down, then he could walk right out of that door and carry on walking.
Not once had she contemplated an abortion. Her initial response had been one of confusion and fear, but she couldn't deny that from the start she had also felt a certain wild thrill at the thought of bringing a baby into the world. It hadn't been part of her plan, but she wanted this baby with an intensity she would never have thought possible. So much for the biological clock she had always assumed she didn't have.

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