The BEDMAS Conspiracy (8 page)

I looked to the right and saw Lisa, Sarah, Janine, and about a dozen other grade sixers. They had the Z's cornered.

“Where will he be today?” demanded Sarah.

“Is he going to be at Aldershot Mall?” asked Lisa and Sarah.

I looked left.

“I bet he can dunk a basketball. Remember when he jumped off the amp? The guy can fly,” I heard Joe Jacobs say as he hobbled by on crutches. Joe was captain of the Wilcott basketball team. He had torn up some cartilage in his left knee last week.

“And did you see his scissor kicks?” said Joe's best friend, Anil Kapul. “I bet we can recruit him for the track-and-field team. We could use him in the 100-metre hurdles.”

I looked back at Eldrick. “Okay, so he's popular. But it still doesn't mean that I'll let you in the band.”

“Look at the bulletin board,” commanded Eldrick.

It was wall-papered with blue and yellow flyers—the official colours of Sweden. Looking closer, I read the thick, black text:
Vote Olaf Danielson
for President
.

I was confused. “We already have a school president.”

“I heard some kids talking. They think he'd make a good president because ‘Detention Blues' really captures how they feel about school.”

“He didn't even write the song!” I said.

But it didn't matter. I looked around and took in the whole scene. Joe and Anil were drawing up basketball plays for Olaf. Janine cornered Meena and demanded to be told Olaf's whereabouts. A bunch of grade sevens walked by wearing the same type of oversized sunglasses Olaf wore onstage. Eldrick was right. Olaf was the most popular guy in school!

“Your band is good,” said Eldrick. “But your Swedish singer makes it great. We voted for you because of Olaf. All the girls love him and the guys think he's super cool. Who will support you at the District Donnybrook if there's no Olaf ? No one from Wilcott will show up and cheer for you and you know it. In fact, everyone will be really mad if they find out you duped them. You'll have no chance of winning the District Donnybrook if you don't have the school behind you.”

Eldrick had me trapped.

I tried a new tactic. “You would blow Daniela's cover? You would really do that to her?”

“I really want to be in this band,” he answered simply.

I still wasn't positive if he would rat us out, but I had no way of knowing for sure. I played my last card. “We've already written all of our material and there are no triangle solos.”

“Don't care,” said Eldrick, smiling. “I'm an
auxiliary percussionist
. I can play a bunch of instruments.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see something yellow and blue flying from the school flagpole—the Swedish national flag.

I sighed. Eldrick was in.

A
s I headed to band practice, I debated what to tell Daniela, Sludge, and the Z's. I didn't want to admit I had been blackmailed.

Triangles—they're the new electric guitars.
Too much!

Triangles—I wanted to funk up the band for the
Donnybrook.
Not believable enough.

An auxiliary percussionist will add layers to our
sound.
Maybe. It was just technical enough to sound believable.

As it turned out, I didn't need any excuses. Eldrick was already there, holding court with the rest of Sick on a Snow Day. They must have assumed that the two of us had solved our differences.

“Great idea—” started Beena.

“—to add an auxiliary percussionist,” finished Meena.

Eldrick smiled shyly.

“The more instruments, the merrier,” agreed Sludge.

They were still riding high from our victory.

“Nice,” whispered Daniela in my ear. “I'm glad you two have made up. I knew he wouldn't have turned you in on purpose.”

I gritted my teeth and nodded.

“I've been thinking about our name,” said Eldrick, gaining confidence. “It kind of lacks
pizzazz
, doesn't it?”

Sludge and the Z's nodded vigorously. Daniela shot Eldrick a look. For once, he was smart enough to shut up.

“Listen,” I told the band. “I only have an hour, so we'd better make it count.”

“Hot date?” grinned Sludge.

“With a dictionary. I need to ace the next spelling test, but I just can't get my head around these stupid I's and E's. Who really cares?
Ugh
. And I'll be eighty by the time I figure out the way to spell
because
.”

The Z's nodded in sympathy.

“If only I could remember the word list as easily as I remember our lyrics!” I joked.

Eldrick reached into his pocket and retrieved this week's word list. “
Neighbour, weigh, friend,
receive, dessert, because…
”

“Why am I not surprised?” I mumbled to no one in particular.

“Meena, Beena, when I got in here you guys were messing around with a few chords on your guitars. Can you play them again?”

The Z's grabbed their instruments and began to play. It sounded pretty good. Eldrick glanced down at his word list and cleared his throat. Daniela glanced at me. What was he up to?

He started to sing.

Geography, Algebra, English and History—
Why we get so much homework is a mystery.
It takes up all of our precious free time.
Is having an hour for PlayStation such a crime?

Big Elephants Can Always Understand Small Elephants. Yeah Yeah Yeah.
Big Elephants Can Always Understand Small Elephants. Yeah Yeah Yeah.

There are so many things I could do in those hours after dinner:
TV, computer games, web design for a beginner,
Calling the cute girl in homeroom or playing sports—
Instead I'm stuck inside writing book reports.

Big Elephants Can Always Understand Small Elephants. Yeah Yeah Yeah.
Big Elephants Can Always Understand Small Elephants. Yeah Yeah Yeah.

He sang the chorus one more time. “I call it ‘The Homework Tragedy.' It's kind of a companion piece to ‘Detention Blues'.”

I had to admit the tune was kind of catchy, but the lyrics made no sense. “Big elephants can always understand small elephants? What does that even mean? It doesn't go with the rest of the song.”

“
B
ig
E
lephants
C
an
A
lways
U
nderstand
S
mall
E
lephants,” repeated Eldrick, slowly and deliberately. “Put the first letters together and you get BECAUSE. It's a little study trick I use. You said you wished you could remember this week's word list as easily as you remember our lyrics. You should have no problem if the lyrics and the word list are one and the same.”

The idea wasn't half bad.

“Play it again, E!” bellowed Sludge.

The band started up. After they sang the chorus, Sludge chimed in:

I before E, except after C—I just need some time to be free!
I before E, except after C—All of this homework leaves no time to be me!

Suddenly Daniela added:

Also when saying A, like neighbour or weigh.
I know it's cliché—but send this homework away!

Then everyone joined in the chorus:

Big Elephants Can Always Understand Small Elephants. Yeah Yeah Yeah.
Big Elephants Can Always Understand Small Elephants. Yeah Yeah Yeah.

The song sounded pretty cool with all the different harmonies. I could feel my head bobbing up and down despite myself. Still, I wasn't sold on the chorus—especially because it was written by a blackmailer.

“Isn't everyone going to wonder what we're singing about? First we're singing a blues tune about homework, and suddenly we're harmonizing about the heartfelt connection between zoo animals?”

“Actually, I think it adds a cool sense of mystery to the song,” said Sludge. “I loved the Perogies' song, ‘Filled with Potato and Cheese' because, for the longest time, I didn't know what they were singing about. At first I thought they were saying ‘Fight the Tomatoes and Peas.' I thought it was another protest song about that new vegan pasta the caf' experimented with last month. Then, when I actually figured out what they were saying, I thought it was about Mr. Papernick. You know how he's always lecturing us about making the most of our abilities.
Blah, blah, blah
. I thought the Perogies were talking about how he's full of hot air. Not until the caf' held their annual international lunch day did I learn that the Perogies were singing about stuffed dumplings.”

“Weren't you
annoyed
when you finally realized you had it wrong? That they were just singing about
lunch
?” I asked him.

“Not at all,” said Sludge smiling. “In my mind, it's still about Papernick. I hum it to myself every time he lectures me about not finishing my homework.”

I could see Sludge's point. The grade eights would think the song was a bluesy shout-out to the rough days they had when they'd first arrived as innocent grade sixers—from big fishes at Pleasant Valley Elementary School to nothings at Wilcott. And the grade sixers might think the song was a ballad of friendship from the grade sevens and eights. If all else failed, Wilcotters for the Ethical Treatment of Poor Defenceless Animals could turn it into a song about the sensitivity of elephants. Regardless, I couldn't get the chorus out of my head—a good sign for the upcoming spelling test.

“I guess it's useable if we work on it a bit,” I finally said grudgingly. I didn't look at Eldrick as we took our places and began to practice our new song.

As much as I hated to admit it, Eldrick's song helped me stay in the band. I hummed my way through the spelling test and got a B-plus. I would have aced the test if I hadn't mixed up dessert and desert. I proudly showed the Z's my spelling test. Later, I found them in the back of the cafeteria, scribbling furiously. Their matching blue and mauve berets bopped up and down as they wrote. Beena waved me over when she saw me.

“We've got something for you,” she said.

“A new song,” nodded Meena. “We call it ‘Second Helping.'”

Beena grabbed her blue harmonica and got them in tune.

Dessert, Dessert!
Having two can't hurt.
You'll dream of deuce
If it's chocolate mousse.
You'll always want seconds
When a piece of cherry pie beckons.
Remember that it's two
If it's covered in marshmallow goo…

“What's this all about?” I finally interrupted.

“We really want you to stay in the band,” said Meena.

“So we came up with a way for you to remember how to spell dessert. Double helpings mean double S,” continued Beena.

I was happily surprised that the Z's had written me a song about marshmallow glop. Spelling was becoming a breeze. Algebra was another story but, luckily, the next test wasn't until after the District Donnybrook.

T
he District Donnybrook was being held at a middle school across town. Meena and Beena's father had rented a van so we could transport all of our gear. Daniela went over to the Z's earlier in the day so they could help with her costume. I was the last pick-up. I entered the van and immediately sensed the nervousness.