The Best I Could (35 page)

Honestly, I didn’t care if I got caught. I
just didn’t want to get stopped.

Parking in an overgrown area off to the side
of the orchard driveway, I climbed free of the vehicle. It wasn’t a
good hiding place, but a person had to be looking hard to see the
van.

Inhaling, I walked, my feet thudding against
gravel and dirt. The moon and stars stared at me, full of judgement
and understanding; dual voices arguing with each other.

Mosquitos buzzed around my head, nipping at
me, and my skin itched, some of it peeling from the sunburn I’d
gotten.

There was a light on the second floor of the
main house still burning when I approached, and I stayed in the
shadows, moving to the cottage. Nerves got the better of me while
climbing the porch stairs, my stomach twisting with each step.

For a long time, I stared at the door, the
wood standing between me and the man that lay on the other
side.

What am I doing?

Lifting my hand, I knocked and waited.

One knock. That’s all.

I kept telling myself that if he didn’t come
to the door, then that was it. I was wrong, and I could live with
that.

Damn my mind and its mixed up signals.

I was backing away, my feet near the stairs
when the door opened, a sleepy, shirtless Eli holding the
frame.

My mouth went dry, the knots in my stomach so
tight I forgot how to breathe. Nerves were vicious little
demons.

Eli’s expression changed, all semblance of
sleep gone, his gaze flicking to the yard beyond my shoulder.
“Tansy? What the hell are you doing here?”

In the end, the only thing that came out of
my mouth was, “I couldn’t sleep.”

Backing into the house, he opened the door
wider. “How did you get here?”

“I brought the van,” I answered, ducking
through the door. “It’s parked near the road.”

Running a hand through his hair, he flicked
on a lamp, and studied me. I didn’t look any different than I had a
few hours before, except for my bra—I’d gotten rid of that when I
went to my room. A minute detail I noticed Eli didn’t miss.

My eyes roamed his figure, his muscled arms,
six pack abs, and the V leading down into his low slung jeans.

“Do I even have to ask why you’re here?” His
voice was low, drugged by sleep and growing desire.

The nerves haunting me at the door plagued my
confidence, but I managed to meet his gaze, my speech level and
unshaking when I said, “Those condoms you don’t bring to the gym …
I’m hoping you keep them here.”

Eli laughed, one hand sliding into his blue
jeans pocket, pulling the denim lower, revealing more of the V.
“You really know how to surprise a guy, you know that? When we
dropped you off earlier, I certainly didn’t see you coming
here.”

“Should I leave?”

His gaze found mine, searching my face,
noting the way my breath hitched, my ragged breathing belying my
confident words.

Remembering what he’d said about churches and
clear heads the night I straddled him in the orchard, I swallowed
hard and promised, “It’s just me. No baggage.”

His eyes narrowed. “You’re not trying to
forget anything? Not trying to escape,” his gaze fell to my covered
thighs, “things?”

“No.”

The word came easily. His belief in it
didn’t.

“Tansy—”

“Look, forget it.” I rushed to leave. “I’m
just going to go.”

I’d twisted the knob and cracked the door
when his hand suddenly slammed into the wood above my head, forcing
it closed, his body pressing against my back.

“Fuck it,” he hissed against my ear, his
breath running along my skin.

I shivered, heat surging through my
veins.

He kissed my neck, his free hand falling to
my stomach, his fingers sneaking under my shirt to graze the flesh
beneath.

I gasped, my heart slamming against my
ribcage so fast I didn’t feel human anymore. I was weightless.

“Tell me what you want, roof girl,” he
whispered.

His hand hovered, gliding up over my breasts
before falling to the hem of my shorts, teasing the elastic
band.

“To fall,” I answered, swallowing. “I want to
fall.”

This was the intense part, the piece of me
Jeff hadn’t liked. Because when I had sex, I wanted to disappear
inside the sensations, to get lost in them, for the passion to be
so much that it hurt. If I spoke during the act, it was always
something unexpected.

Eli’s hand dipped into my shorts and brushed
aside my panties, touching me. I groaned, the sound louder than I
intended.

He chuckled. “Let’s fall, then,” he said,
surprising me.

My head rose, my chin tilting up, my gaze
meeting his in the dim light, my eyes vulnerable and open.

Eli’s face sobered, his fingers growing
bolder, my breath growing more erratic each time he flicked my
clitoris. “Just don’t expect the fall to be easy,” he murmured.
“When you land, you’re going to feel every bit of it.”

His words, and his fingers, were magic,
stroking me, teasing me, bringing me to the edge.

“Fall,” he commanded.

His body rocked against
mine, his breathing labored, which turned me on more because
knowing I turned
him
on sent answering shudders through me.

I fell, sensations shattering my frame as I
came. My legs went weak, my body riding the pleasure waves.

Pulling his hand free of my shorts, Eli
gripped my hip, holding himself very still, his breathless words
full of amusement when he murmured, “And I haven’t even put the
condom on yet.”

Turning in his embrace, I gazed up at him.
“You should fix that.”

Whatever nerves I’d been feeling were lost to
burning lust, the high it gave me all-consuming.

Eli’s eyes darkened, his arms circling me,
lifting me into his embrace

Wrapping my legs around his waist, I let him
carry me.

His room was dark when we entered it, and I
felt weightless, like I was flying through a void, losing my
balance only to land on a cloud.

Hands tore away my clothes, dropping them
into the abyss. His lips and tongue powered over my skin—warm and
hot against my neck, my breasts, my stomach, and lower still.
Claiming me. Burning me.

I cried into the dark, filling it with loud
whispers, moans, and begging. Sweet begging.

Cool air brushed flesh as he drew away.

Clothes rustled, a drawer opened, and a
packet ripped, and then there was warmth again, his hot skin
rubbing against mine.

I stroked him, condom and all, heard him
hiss, and smiled.

Rising off of the bed, I clung to his neck,
and whispered, “Take me.”

He was a large man, and the fit was tight
when he entered, uncomfortable at first. Strangely, I reveled in
the discomfort because it was part of him, of us. This moment. It
made it real.

Muscles bunched, our bodies moving together,
straining. He reached between us, touching me, making sure I came
around him.

With my orgasm, he lost control, pumping
against me, pounding flesh against flesh. Desperate. There was so
much desperation between us. Thrust after thrust until his body
stiffened. Teeth clenched, he muttered, “Fuck.”

Our hearts hammered so hard and fast that it
was hard to tell which heart belonged to who. Sweat made the cuts
on my thighs sting, but the burn kept me rooted.

When it was over, neither one of us moved, as
if somehow that would break the spell.

I didn’t want the spell broken. I just wanted
to lay here, him inside of me, and forget that this summer had
started out with my father’s death, Deena’s anger, and Jet’s
absence, and that when all was said and done, Eli wouldn’t be
leaving. Going off to Michigan, away from the girl he’d met on top
of a hospital roof.

Unexpected tears dropped from my eyes. They
were silent tears, the kind that slid from the corners to weave
their way over flesh without anyone ever being the wiser.

Eli wasn’t anyone.

The darkness wasn’t as dark anymore, our eyes
having adjusted, and a black and white photograph version of Eli
stared down at me, his body slipping from mine.

Falling next to me, he touched my cheek, his
thumb wiping away the tears.

“You still here, Tansy?” he asked.

To anyone else that question would have been
weird.

My head fell to the side, my gaze on his. “I
didn’t fall,” I told him because it needed to be said. Because, for
the first time since losing my mother and dealing with all of the
blackness afterwards, I’d kept myself in the moment. With him.
Consequences be damned. “I flew,” I whispered.

His lips curled, his smile slow and patient.
“That’s good, roof girl.”

Pulling me into him, we lay in the darkness,
the scent of sex, toothpaste, and soap hovering in the air.

All of the tension I’d felt since meeting Eli
on the roof was gone. Well, not gone, but definitely not as taut,
as if the attraction between us had been so strong that …

“There may be more clarity now,” I said out
loud, finishing my thought.

Eli chuckled, his chest rumbling beneath my
ear. “You keep doing that, don’t you? This idea you have that
everything between us is just sexual tension. We’ll see. You could
be right. Or,” he lifted my chin, “you could be wrong. I’m betting
on wrong, and when you figure that out, I’m cashing in on it. By
having you blow me.”

His teasing made me laugh, and I elbowed him.
Hard. “You have such skewed priorities.”

“Jesus, woman! Blow
jobs
are
priorities.”

Amusement rippled through us, and we settled
back into a comfortable silence.

I was the one who broke it. “I’ve got to
go.”

Getting up, Eli switched on the light,
blinding me, before bending to pick up his pants. As he slid his
jeans on, I watched him.

His gaze rose, sliding over the bed and over
my figure, but I didn’t blush. The appreciation in his eyes made me
feel bigger than what I was. Curvier. Sexier. Despite knowing I was
naturally a slight woman—not willowy or curvy, just slight.

Eli handed me my shirt, and I tugged it over
my head before standing to step into my panties and shorts.

“I’ll walk you,” he offered. “I need a
cigarette anyway.”

Opening a drawer next to the bed, he pulled
out a pack of cigarettes, tucked a lighter into his pocket, and
then stepped back so that I could precede him out of the room.

His shirtless figure was a comfortable
presence behind me, large and overpowering in the darkness.

A lighter glared, and smoke curled into the
sky.

Gravel crunching. Frogs warbling. Crickets
singing. Fireflies pricking the darkness. Wind whistling through
the trees. That was our only conversation.

We were at the van, his arms caging me into
the driver’s side when he said, “The sex was great, roof girl.”

I smiled because that was the kind of guy Eli
was. He told it like it was, even if whatever he said made you
uncomfortable.

The moon and stars saw everything.

Placing a quick kiss on my lips, he closed
the door.

I rolled the window down.

“Be careful,” he told me.

When I drove away, I glanced into the
rearview mirror and watched him grow smaller and smaller, his
cigarette flaring, the moon breathing down on him.

No matter what happened this summer, that
shrinking picture of him would live with me forever.

As I neared my grandmother’s, I switched off
the headlights and coasted into the yard, cutting the engine.

The house was dark when I entered it, which
is why I didn’t notice her at first.

“When you get everything situated and find a
job, I’ll help you move.”

I jumped, heart pounding when my
grandmother’s voice cut through the room, low and tired.

My body went numb.

Eyes widening, I whirled to find her sitting
on the living room couch, watching me.

“Nana—”

“I’m not going to say anything, Tansy.
Actually, I think I blame myself. Partly. Not doing enough to find
out what happened to you after your mother’s death, not sitting
down to talk to you once you were here, and not watching you more
closely. I think I thought giving you space was the best way for
you to heal. As for Eli and his family … I don’t know how to feel
about them. How to feel about what I’m pretty sure you left to do
tonight.”

“Nana—”

She stood. “I want to help you, I do, but I
also needed you to respect this house and me.”

“How?” I asked, suddenly angry. “How am I
supposed to respect you? When you had nothing to do with us until
you were forced to?”

She flinched like I had slapped her, a tear
rolling down her cheek. “I don’t know what I hate more … myself or
the loss of your innocence.”

“That’s been gone,” I whispered.

She paled. “Tansy—”

“It’s fine!” I snapped.

“He can’t keep working here,” she said
suddenly. “I’ll talk to his grandfather. See about having his
community service changed to somewhere else.”

I stared at her. “You can’t be serious! How
do you even know I was over there?”

“Tell me you weren’t,” she countered.

The denial got stuck in my throat.

She exhaled, loud and heavy. “I’m not making
a big deal out of this. You can still finish your work at the
orchard and then start looking for other employment, college, and
housing. But him here … that’s asking a lot of me, Tansy. I’m
supposed to take care of you.”

“He’s not hurting me!” I said, my voice
rising. “If anything, he’s the reason I’m doing better!”

“The cutting?”

“Has nothing to do with him!” I was
panicking, could feel it choking me. “Nana, please!”

She softened but didn’t cave. “I’m not
stopping you from seeing him. I’m not pulling Deena from the boxing
program. I’m just not having him work here, and you’re not taking
the van anymore. Last I heard, your dad’s Buick was towed from the
hospital. It’s a piece of junk, but it’s paid off. If you want to
take your part of your dad’s life insurance, you can go get it. I’m
not trying to be tough, Tansy. But if you want to be on your own so
bad, if you want the chance to prove yourself, then this is
it.”