The Best Thing I Never Had (14 page)

Harriet raised her flushed face. ‘I told you, I’m not sorry,’ she said, like it was that simple.

Johnny felt dreadful, a combination of gnawing guilt and a bad night’s sleep. He walked the long way home – past Tesco – loading up with beers and chocolate fingers and share-sized bags of crisps for what he optimistically assumed would be a night in front of the TV with Adam – maybe even Miles – and a junk food dinner.

He realised as he ascended the stairs up to the flat – made awkward by the heavy shopping – to find Adam standing in the centre of the living room, his phone to his ear and a rather murderous expression on his face, that he had severely miscalculated. Johnny hesitated, the plastic bag handles cutting off the circulation to his fingertips.

‘He’s here,’ Adam said, into the phone. ‘No. No, I want to talk to him. I’ll call you back. No, I want to.’ He continued to stare at Johnny as he spoke. Johnny gave his best, innocent ‘what’s up, mate?’ expression. ‘It’s okay. I love you,’ Adam continued. At a loss for what to do, Johnny began unpacking the shopping and arranging it on the dining table, like the embarrassing peace offering it was.

Adam slid his phone closed. Johnny filled the ensuing silence with the sound of tearing cardboard as he opened the box of biscuits.

‘What’s up mate? Finger?’ He offered the open box to Adam, whose gaze just narrowed. ‘Alright,’ he conceded, placing the chocolate fingers back on the table. ‘I told Leigha, I’m sorry. What’s going on?’

‘What’s going on?’ Adam repeated, disbelievingly. ‘A massive amount of shit hitting a massive fan. That’s what’s going on. Exactly what we wanted to avoid. Harriet is devastated. I had to get half the story from Nicky. Leigha went fucking mental.’ Johnny winced.

‘Well, I’m sorry to hear it mate, I really am, but Harriet’s done this to herself to be honest.’ Adam’s glare tightened even further, but he was interrupted from immediate response by footfall on the second floor staircase.

Miles appeared behind Johnny, face rosy and hair wet from the shower, mobile phone in hand. ‘I just spoke to Nicky, what the hell’s going on?’ he asked, without preamble.

‘This isn’t my fault!’ Johnny stressed, gesturing wildly for emphasis.

‘I’m sure Nicky’s told you the gist,’ Adam answered, ignoring Johnny. ‘Harriet and I have been seeing each other. We were going to tell everyone when Sukie was back,’ – he glared at Johnny – ‘but then Johnny told Leigha and she and Sukie have gone batshit crazy, and say they never want to see or talk to Harry again.’ He mimed an explosion with his hands.

Miles blinked slowly. ‘Fuck,’ he said.

‘It just came out!’ Johnny moaned. ‘I felt sorry for her.’

‘That’s the thing, isn’t it? Everyone feels sorry for Leigha. Everyone babies her, nobody wants to upset her,’ Adam scowled.

‘Yeah, but, no offense, but you really look like you’ve gone out of your way to do just that,’ Miles frowned. ‘What were you two thinking?’ Adam gave a grunt of annoyance.

‘You know, I thought Harriet was paranoid, keeping everything a secret, but you’re all sort of proving her point with your shitty reactions.’

‘Bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy there though,’ Miles said thoughtfully. ‘Because people are probably more annoyed that you kept it a secret.’

‘Oh, I am sorry!’ Adam said, falsely sincere. ‘We should have sent out a bloody newsletter, kept you all in the loop. How dare we not involve you all?’ He glared around at his housemates. Johnny picked at his fingernail, feeling a little stupid when he heard it put like that. Then he thought of Leigha’s face when he had told her last night, the pink rims of her eyes as they had opened wide, the intensity of her tongue as it had probed his mouth, her fingers pressing on his body, as if she’d been searching for something.

‘You should have had more consideration for Leigha’s feelings,’ he insisted, stubbornly. ‘You shouldn’t have led her on in January and you two should have sat her down and told her what was going on right at the beginning.’

Adam’s eyes flashed. ‘Sorry, mate, I know you
love
her…’ Johnny bristled at the implied quotation marks around the word love. ‘But she’s a brat. She’s a controlling
brat
. Look at the way she’s reacting! Harriet’s been her best friend for what, ten years? And the first and only time she does something that Leigha doesn’t like and that’s just it? She never wants to speak to her again?’

‘It is a pretty extreme reaction … ’ Miles agreed, quietly.

‘She’s just a very sensitive person!’ Johnny contended. ‘And she doesn’t deserve this.’

‘She doesn’t deserve a good friend like Harriet,’ Adam shouted.

‘Oh yeah, she’s
such
a good friend, shacking up with you behind everyone’s back, knowing what you are to Leigha. Pretty selfish fucking friend.’

There must have been a tell – perhaps a sudden tightening of the muscles in Adam’s face or shoulders – because Miles was between them in an instant and Johnny saw Adam shakily lower the fist he hadn’t even noticed him raising.

‘The two of you,’ Miles said in disbelief. ‘You’re behaving worse than the girls. Can’t we just agree there’s right and wrong on both sides here?’ There was a moment of uneasy silence before Adam sank down into one of the dining chairs, as if all the energy had just rushed from his body.

‘Sorry, mate,’ he mumbled towards his knees.

‘Sorry, mate,’ Johnny echoed, even though he wasn’t sure if they were apologising to one another or to Miles.

‘But she’s… she’s just in total
pieces
Johnny. To hear her.’ Adam looked up at Johnny helplessly. ‘She loves those girls. You have to believe me, she did what she did because she didn’t want to upset them. You need to talk to Leigha for me, tell her. Harriet
loves
Leigha.’

Johnny sat down heavily on the opposite chair, reaching automatically for a chocolate finger that he didn’t really want.

‘Well,’ he said, snapping the biscuit between his teeth. ‘Seems like she loves you more.’

As soon as the flare of testosterone had receded and relations between himself and Johnny seemed on steadier ground, Adam headed off for Dell Road. Nicky opened the door to him, so quickly she must have been waiting for his knock.

‘What’s going on?’ Adam asked, without preamble, shedding his jacket as he moved through into the main part of the house. Nicky flitted behind him.

‘Sukie and Leigha are still out. Neither of them answered their phones when I called. Harry’s in her bedroom.’

‘In her bedroom?’ Adam repeated, turning on the spot and heading back towards the foot of the stairs.

‘She said she wanted to be left alone,’ Nicky explained, tugging at her fingers anxiously. ‘I assumed she was going to call you and you were going to come straight over.’

‘She did call,’ Adam said, ‘but I had to talk to Johnny.’

‘Why Johnny?’

‘He told Leigha. He promised he’d keep quiet and let us tell everyone, but couldn’t go twenty four bloody hours.’ Adam had to stamp down on the resentment rising up from his core. Nicky looked at him in horror.

‘But, you two, you’re—?’ she trailed off.

‘Yes, it’s fine, don’t worry,’ Adam reassured her, impatiently mounting the stairs.

‘It’s going to be okay?’ Nicky called after him. She probably meant it as an encouragement, but it came out sounding way too much like a question. Adam threw a preoccupied smile over his shoulder as he climbed his way up to the landing, opening Harriet’s bedroom door without pausing to knock, unsure what he was about to encounter inside.

Harriet looked up at him from where she sat cross-legged on her bed, a battered paperback copy of
Dubliners
slack in her hand, revising even now. Adam felt a wildly inappropriate laugh bubble up in his throat.

‘Hi,’ she said, in an impossibly small voice.

Adam crossed the room in two long strides and knelt at the side of the bed, enfolding as much of Harriet as he could in his arms.

‘I’m so sorry,’ he murmured against the side of her head. ‘I’m so sorry.’ He pulled back to look her in the face. There was already no sign of the earlier sobbing that Nicky had reported; her eyes were unreasonably dry and bright, her face pale and smooth. Harriet squirmed, uncomfortable under his close scrutiny.

‘It’s fine,’ she said, simply.

‘It is not fine!’ Adam replied immediately, aghast at her apparent acceptance of the situation. Harriet just shrugged, before placing her bookmark of a torn off piece of paper carefully back into place between the pages of her book and putting it down on her bedside table. She rubbed at her eyes tiredly.

‘Let’s get out of here, let’s go somewhere,’ Adam urged her. ‘How about I take you out for dinner tonight. I’m thinking… Big Mac?’ His light teasing was rewarded with the slight twist of a smile, but her silence was still heavy and queer. Adam leant forward and pressed his forehead to hers. ‘Tell me what I can do.’

Harriet pulled away gently. ‘I’m really tired,’ she said, apologetically. ‘Plus I don’t want to go running from the house like I’ve done something wrong. If Nicky is right and Ley does cool off and want to apologise… or at least talk… well, I should be here.’

‘Fair enough,’ Adam nodded. ‘How about I get a film in? We could do the walk to Blockbusters, the weather is okay. Or I could go quickly by myself? Bring something from the chippie back?’

‘I’m really tired,’ Harriet repeated. She pulled her sleeves as far down over her wrists as possible, pulling at the hems distractedly. Adam pulled her into another hug.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ he asked.

‘Not really.’

‘I really think we should,’ Adam pressed. She fidgeted against him again, like the little bird he always pictured her as, fluttering and anxious to get away. He grasped her all the harder. ‘Please, Harriet, tell me what I can do to make things better. I love you so much.’

All at once she relaxed and seemed to collapse in on herself into his hold, pliant and soft and reachable once again. ‘I feel sick,’ she admitted in a whisper. ‘Oh, it was so horrible.’

‘I can imagine,’ Adam soothed. ‘Come stay at mine, please. I hate the thought of you rattling around this house whilst Leigha and Sukie are being like this. And it might give them more of a chance to calm down.’ He felt her shrug listlessly.

‘It doesn’t matter if they do. It will be pretty hard for me to forget my best friends calling me a horrible slut, that they’ve apparently always thought I’m a nasty person, who thinks the world should revolve around them, who purposefully set out to upset and… disappoint them.’ He could hear the threat of fresh tears catching in her voice. ‘No matter what, today I lost my best friends. I know it for certain. How can I ever feel comfortable around them again?’ A single tear spilled over onto the slope of her cheek and she swiped it away angrily.

Adam didn’t know what to say. His first instinct was, of course, to tell her that everything was going to be okay, but how could he when she had just quite eloquently illustrated how things were never going to be ‘okay’ – as she had known it – again? Wordlessly he stroked her hair.

‘You still have Nicky. And me,’ he said, after a minute.

‘I don’t want them taking this out on Nicky,’ Harriet said, immediately. ‘And I don’t want her caught in the middle of all this stress. For crying out loud, it’s our last term. Exams are starting next month. She doesn’t need this. Nobody needs this.’

‘This isn’t your fault,’ Adam said, eyes narrowed. Harriet did that little shrug again.

‘You can’t really say it’s theirs, though.’

May 2007

Johnny and Harriet were to turn twenty-one in the same week; only days ago, the joint birthday plans had been the hottest topic of conversation. Leigha pulled the card and envelope from their cellophane sleeve and penned Johnny’s name with exaggeratedly careful handwriting, studiously avoiding thinking about Harriet’s birthday present, still in its shopping bag and hurriedly stuffed into her desk drawer. Out of sight, out of mind.

Harriet seemed to have adopted the very same approach; she was holed up in her bedroom even more than usual. Leigha had been woken by the sound of persistently running water at about 2am and realised it was Harriet having a bath. Her top lip bore back from her teeth in a scowl as she thought about it. Slinking around at night like a rat, too ashamed to face anyone. She wrote ‘Happy Birthday!’ in large letters inside the card, taking up a lot of the unnecessary white space.

She had been the one to open the door to Adam that evening. She and Sukie had exchanged a glance at the sound of the knocking. Surely could only be Johnny, or Adam? Nicky and Miles would have keys. Sukie had motioned that she would answer, but Leigha had put her hand out and Sukie sunk back down on the couch, frowning.

Maybe Adam had expected to see Nicky – it was she who’d been letting him in for the last few days after all. His face was pleasantly neutral when she opened the door, but as he’d caught sight of her it had snapped into coldness.

‘Hi,’ she’d breathed, in a stupid, casual voice. Ever the gentleman, Adam had graced her with a stiff nod before easing past her and making his way straight up the stairs, balancing brown paper bags of takeaway in the crook of each arm, the warm, tangy smell of Chinese food wafting after him. Leigha had watched him go, disappearing across the landing, presumably into Harriet’s bedroom. When she had turned away, Sukie was leaning against the doorframe into the kitchen, regarding her sceptically.

‘Hi,’ she’d mimicked, in a little girl voice. ‘What the hell was that? Why didn’t you tear a strip off of him?’ Glaring, Leigha had pushed past her back to the couches and the paused DVD.

He was still in there with her now; well, she hadn’t heard anybody leave the house. They’d probably watched a film together on Harriet’s little telly, littering the bedroom carpet with rice as they tried to eat out of the takeaway cartons with plastic cutlery. She’d even heard laughter earlier – it might have been the television, but it sounded an awful lot like Harriet. How dare she just be in there, with him, laughing, like she’d done nothing wrong? Leigha exhaled slowly as she focused on drawing a decently round circle inside Johnny’s card for a smiley face.

She’d always felt safe with Harriet. Boys came and went, they all knew that; Johnny, Adam, even Miles, all transitory. Other girls tended to get the wrong impression of her, to throw around those ageless slurs: bitch, slut. If she chatted casually to their boyfriends at parties, they’d always come up with a reason to call him away. Sukie was volatile by nature, Nicky hadn’t known her for very long. Harriet was her one real constant. The metaphorical stab in the back ached at her like a physical injury.

‘Lots of love,’ she wrote – without a second thought – ‘Leigha xxx’

The world beyond the thin curtains was turning warm and pink as the sun rose; another sleepless night. Beside her, Adam was sprawled out on his back, the duvet ridden down and exposing the whole expanse of his bare chest. His arm was thrown back over his head; his fingers were cupped towards his palm as if he were holding an invisible hand.

She’d so wanted this – him, here, and no more secrets.

It had only been muted, never really banished, that mental movie reel of Leigha’s red lips at his pale throat, his now so familiar hand fumbling against her naked thigh. Harriet looked down at him from where she sat, wedged between the pillows and the wall; he was growing distinct in the emerging light. She imagined Leigha’s pink-varnished fingernails scraping through the curls of golden hair that spread over his chest. She felt like she was going to choke.

Gently she lifted the duvet up, focusing on the darker patch of skin at the juncture of his thigh that was his birthmark. He’d definitely have to be – as he was now – stark naked for anyone to see it.

‘Hey, Trouble, what are you after?’ Adam murmured suddenly, his voice husky with sleep. He shifted his body towards her and smiled drowsily. Harriet hurriedly dropped the duvet back into place, embarrassed. ‘What time is it?’ Adam asked, thickly, through a yawn.

‘Early. It’s early. Sorry. Go back to sleep.’

He had drifted back into sleep before she’d even finished talking, his breathing evening out and fingers relaxing again, not even curiosity at her obvious attention to his groin enough to keep him awake at half five in the morning. He’ll probably think he dreamt it, she thought.

The wall she was leaning against was an external one, and it was cold and unforgiving against her back. Harriet slipped down in the bed, fitting against the curve of Adam’s splayed body.

What was upsetting her most? The fact that he might have… with Leigha? Or that if he has, he’s lied to her about it?

Harriet had loved Seth, she hated herself when she had to hurt him. But she was always going to, because there is a whole world of difference between loving someone and being in love with them.

She had no doubt that she was in love with Adam. He had the power to devastate her even more than she had Seth. Even just sitting awake wondering if he’s lied to her about Leigha caused its own miniature devastation, a mushroom cloud spreading through her insides. She considered how long Adam’s eyelashes were in profile, felt the squeeze of an urge to kiss his eyelids. How could she love someone but not quite trust them? But then again, she was having a bad run of luck with people she loved and trusted lately.

She’d known Leigha would fuss, and pout, and make a massive deal out of everything. She was expecting things to be a little strained between them for a while, until the fresh start of graduating was enough of a distraction.

‘No control,’ Leigha had said loudly to Sukie and Johnny the day before, her voice carrying clearly up the stairs, as she clearly wished for it to. ‘Like a bitch in heat.’

‘I was telling Kim about it today,’ Sukie had added, again in a ludicrously loud voice. ‘Couldn’t actually believe it, thought I was exaggerating. No, I said, she really is that appalling.’

‘You think you know a person,’ Leigha had agreed, in a gratified tone of voice. Johnny had mumbled something that had a distinctly sycophantic tone, but at least he had the grace to keep his voice at a normal level so she couldn’t hear the specifics.

Did they really, genuinely, seriously think these awful things? Or were they just seeing how much cruelty she could take until she broke, landing on her knees in front of Leigha, wrapping her arms around her legs in supplication and crying out whatever level of apology they would deem acceptable?

‘Those bitches,’ Adam had snarled heatedly when she’d told him about the conversation she’d been forced to overhear. He’d clasped her hand close to his chest, pulled her near, tried to make them an army of two. But Harriet had had ten years of conditioning and had only given a troubled frown.

‘Don’t call them that,’ she’d berated him.

Adam shifted slightly in his sleep and Harriet’s body locked in all the closer to his. If only it
was
just the two of us she thought, and kissed his nearest eyelid.

Johnny awoke feeling disorientated and stupid. Leigha sat at her desk wearing her dressing gown, hair pinned half-up like she was about to straighten it. Sensing he was awake she looked up from where she was trying to untangle the chains of two necklaces from one another.

‘I can’t believe you actually fell asleep on me,’ she said conversationally, looking back down at the task in hand. ‘You men are all the same.’ Johnny sat up hurriedly, subtly rubbing the back of his hand across his chin to check for drool as he did so.

‘You tired me out, woman,’ he answered, with what he hoped was a roguish smile. It was lost on Leigha either way, who was concentrating on picking at the tiny chain links with her finger nails.

‘Obviously,’ she answered, in a tone devoid of all inflection.

Johnny rose from the bed and moved across the room to her, steeling himself to be casual with his nakedness. He reached out and squeezed Leigha’s shoulder.

‘Come back to bed.’

‘I can’t,’ Leigha answered shortly, dropping the necklaces to the desktop peevishly. ‘The taxis are coming at seven. I need to do my hair and stuff.’

‘Anything I can do to help?’ Johnny offered automatically.

Leigha arched her eyebrow at him. ‘I don’t think I need you to straighten my hair, thanks.’

‘Oh, I meant, like, if you need something ironed or… maybe I could take a look at that jewellery or something,’ Johnny hastily clarified. He hoped that he at least didn’t look as flustered as he sounded.

Leigha turned back to look into his face; her eyes were softer now. ‘I think I’m okay. Thanks,’ she said.

‘How about a kiss for the birthday boy?’ he tried, emboldened by her smile. Leigha laughed, finally, the first time he’d heard the sound all day. She reached forward and turned her straighteners on to heat up.

‘You have until they beep,’ she told him, grinning, snaking her arms under his and looping them tight around his torso, tilting her head back in invitation to be kissed.

Nicky was always ready in good time. At a loss for anything more to do, she slicked on a needless second coat of lip-gloss.

Miles lay sprawled out on her bed, playing on a Gameboy. Without looking up from the small screen he reached for his can of lager before realising its emptiness and putting it back down. It was the third time he’d done it and he was getting on Nicky’s last nerve. She dropped her lip-gloss back into her make-up bag.

‘Do you want me to get you another beer, or something?’ she asked, a little impolitely.

‘Hmm?’ said Miles, not lifting his eyes from his game. ‘No thanks, pet, I’m fine. I’ll see if Johnny and Adam want to have some Morgan’s Spiced with me in a bit. When are the taxis coming?’

‘Half an hour,’ Nicky answered, fingers rifling restlessly through the contents of her make-up bag. ‘Do you really not think I should stay here with Harriet?’ she asked. It was the third time she’d asked it that evening; she wondered if the repetition was annoying Miles.

He looked up at her. ‘No, love, she’s said she’s fine. She’s not a child who needs looking after.’

‘I think Adam should stay home with her,’ Nicky frowned.

‘It’s his best mate’s 21
^st
birthday,’ Miles disagreed. ‘It’s unreasonable of him to miss it just because of a problem between two other people.’ Nicky’s frown deepened. She moved her make-up from her lap back onto her desk.

‘How can we all just go out without her?’ she muttered.

‘I don’t think she’d want to come even if Johnny had invited her,’ Miles pointed out.

‘Well, how can we act like nothing’s different then? Like it’s just another night out?’

‘Because, pet, it
is
just another night out. Birthdays do not stop and wait for girly squabbles and bitchings to abate.’ Miles looked at her encouragingly, trying for a smile from her. Nicky returned the look coolly. She wasn’t sure if he was belittling the situation in order to make her feel better about it, or if he genuinely believed it was some stupid spat that was going to blow over. She didn’t know which attitude irritated her more.

Seemingly unbothered by her nonchalant response, Miles pressed a few more buttons and then shut his Gameboy off. ‘Do you think the coke will be cold enough by now?’ he asked her, not waiting for a response before standing and stretching out his legs and heading towards the kitchen to investigate the temperature of said coke.

Nicky looked at herself in the mirror again. She looked wan and tired, despite her shiny lips. She reached for some bronzer. As she dabbed the powder onto the apples of her cheeks she heard footfall on the stairs, Adam greeting Miles, glasses chinking as they were fetched from the cupboard and the heavy fizzle of rum and coke being poured.

‘Oh, pet, do you want a Morgan’s?’ Miles called suddenly. Nicky turned her make-up brush onto her other cheek. She hated spiced rum.

‘No thank you,’ she called out in reply, once again thinking about the nights she now wouldn’t be spending in Paris drinking dark red wines from carafes.

Miles had left the door ajar; Leigha pushed through it before Nicky’s chain of thought had much time to sour. She turned her back to Nicky, pulling her hair over her left shoulder as she did.

‘Zip me up, please!’ she demanded. Nicky dutifully complied and Leigha shook the fall of her hair back out.

‘You look great,’ Nicky told her wistfully. Leigha looked as if it were the middle of summer, her hair shining and skin rosy. She was wearing a coral mini dress with a lace panel across the collarbones and was bare-legged in the temperate late May weather. She laughed.

‘It’s the sex glow,’ she confided, in a stage-whisper. Nicky rolled her eyes.

‘So I hear!’ she teased, gesturing towards her ceiling and Leigha’s bedroom upstairs. Leigha laughed delightedly, not in the least embarrassed. ‘I’m so happy for you two,’ Nicky continued, ‘we must get a double-date in before exams start.’

Leigha looked uncomfortable. ‘You’re uneven,’ she said, evasively, gesturing for the pot of bronzer and the brush in Nicky’s hands. Nicky tilted her chin up as Leigha expertly brushed more powder onto her right cheek. Her wrist-full of bangles slid to her elbow as she did so.

‘So are you official, is it a boyfriend–girlfriend type thing?’ Nicky persisted. She hadn’t had the opportunity to be alone with Leigha for over a week, Johnny had been stuck to her like a barnacle since the fight with Harriet. ‘I see you haven’t changed your Facebook relationship off Single…’

‘I don’t want to label anything,’ Leigha said neatly, snapping the bronzer compact closed. ‘It’s just Johnny.’ Nicky looked at her doubtfully.