The Big "O": A Romantic Comedy (25 page)

“So, will you take look at the offer? I think that you’ll be very pleased,” Leslie said and smiled.

“I only met with you as a courtesy—”

Because I won’t stop calling you,” Leslie said.

“I have no intention of taking a full-time position at this juncture. Please let Xavier Roberts know that I’m both flattered and deeply appreciate the offer… but, no thanks,” Emily said and looked at her watch.

“But you haven’t even looked at the offer… how can you refuse it?” Leslie asked.

“I’m sorry, I have to get home… to my husband and little boy,” Emily said and stood then left the Astro Cafe.

Inside of Max and Emily’s home office, Max turned on the laptop and posted a online curb alert ad. Then, not entirely sure that he was doing the right thing, Max went into his son’s room and looked around.

Max Jr. looked up from the complex structure that he was building with wooden blocks. As his child watched, Max hurriedly boxed up all of baby Max's baby genius toys.

“Pourquoi, daddy?” Max Jr. asked his father.

Max didn’t answer and tried to relax as he tossed toys and puzzles and games, willy-nilly, into several cardboard boxes. Whether his son’s freakish abilities were a product of nature or nurture; whether he was born with them or the plethora of products that Emily had bought for him had developed them, the stuff was going.

A few minutes later, Max wore his son outside in a child carrier on his chest. Behind him, he pulled a wagon filled with a bunch of boxes, full of baby genius CDs, DVDs, baby toys and such. He put all of the boxes onto the curb. When he was done, he gave the boxes a good kick.

Baby Max cried and cried and Max felt incredibly guilty, yet determined.

He stared with satisfaction at the boxes full of playthings, then turned away and carried the child around the side of the house and into the back yard.

A half hour later, Emily arrived home and was shocked and horrified to see boxes and boxes of her child’s toys and playthings on the curb. She picked up the beautiful carved wooden puzzle that she had recently gotten for her little boy. He loved it and it was practically brand new.

She went inside the house and when she couldn’t find Max and their son, she searched for them outside.

Emily came around the side of the house and entered the back yard. She found Max watching Max Jr. playing in the dirt.

Emily held up the carved wooden puzzle toy.

“Max, for the love of Pete, what did you do? The nursery is nearly empty and I saw most of baby Max's toys are out on the curb,” Emily said sharply.

“The kid doesn't need those weird-ass baby geek toys. He needs a sibling or a dog, or both. He needs love,” Max said.

“What?” Emily said. She stared at her husband. Love? He was going on about their child needing love? That was his excuse for putting the little guy's stuff out on the street.

“Baby Max, like every other kid in the world, needs love,” Max stated.

“He has love. We love him, our friends love him, his friends and teacher love him,” Emily replied.

“Love from a dog and a little brother or a baby sister. Love from a real family,” Max insisted.

“That's ridiculous… love is love,” Emily said.

“Is it ridiculous?” Max asked and it was clear that he did not agree. She stared at him and thought she might lose it any second. She didn't want to punch her husband or shriek at him, especially not in front of her child, yet she felt that she was dangerously close to doing so.

“Have the decency to admit it, you want those things for you… not him,” Emily said.

“He needs a proper family,” Max replied.

“By proper family you mean a bigger family and a pet? That's your solution? Because you know what that means, Max?” Emily said harshly and frowned.

“What?” Max asked.

“I'll have to grow a new person inside of my body and then take care of the new baby, and house train, walk and feed the new puppy, along with my existing child. So who'll help you earn the friggin' money?” Emily said.

“Maybe you're right. Maybe I want those things for myself,” Max said and stood and glared at Emily.

“How are we going to do it all? How am I going to do it all? Because I’m barely on top of my to-do list now,” Emily asked.

She stared at her husband and felt enraged. Was he totally nutso? He essentially put their kid to bed most nights and occasionally watched him. The rest of the child-rearing was up to her.

“What he’d done and his stance increasingly pissed her off.

“I don't know,” Max said.

“Should we think about real jobs?”

“Who have you been talking to?” Max said and looked at her strangely, his face a hard mask.

He felt fury and rage at yet more evidence that she didn’t believe in them, in him, and knew damn well that his wife had been headhunted.

He’d heard a message on their business line.

When he went to replay it, a couple of hours later, Emily had already deleted it. He had searched for the woman’s name online and discovered that she was a recruiter.

“What are you talking about?” Emily said and felt a little guilty that she hadn’t mentioned Leslie Chan to her husband.

“Just tell me straight up. Is it a headhunter or somebody else?” Max asked.

“I…” Emily wasn’t sure she should say anything.

Max might try to screw up her contact. If he was screwing around with some bimbo, his thing on the side, then the offer from Astro Cafe and Xavier Roberts might be the one thing she could count on to help her get her life together. Sure, she'd told Leslie she wouldn't look at the offer but she knew the woman's type. Saying no would only make the recruiter hungrier to get her to look at a real offer, a better offer.

Should she tell him or not? For a long moment, Emily couldn’t decide. It was hard to think straight with Max glaring at her.

“When you come clean with me about your life, I’ll be happy to tell you,” Emily finally said. It was a compromise. She didn’t feel like saying anything to him.

“You're sneaky with the stuff you do with little Max, and you were sneaky about the headhunter. You need to fill me in,” Max said.

“Just spit it out,” Max said nastily. Emily sighed, and thought here goes nothing.

“A headhunter, Leslie Chan called and tried to recruit me to Astro Cafe… on behalf of their CEO Xavier Roberts,” Emily admitted.

“...And you didn't tell me,” Max spat out.

“Like you tell me everything,” Emily said and her face scrunched up and turned bright red with rage.

“I guess,” Max said, which was his typical evasive answer lately and it made Emily feel even more angry.

She wasn’t sure she was ready to put her marriage on the line. She’d given Max an opening, by practically accusing him of keeping secrets, and he hadn’t come out and admitted anything. She almost regretted telling him about being recruited.

“I didn’t even look at the offer. Plus, I didn't mention it because you've been such an ass about little Max… and you were busy elsewhere,” Emily said.

“What are you talking about?” Max replied.

“I know you were seeing some bitch named Simone… admit it,” Emily stated flatly.

“You're crazy,” Max said.

“She called here, I heard her,” Emily replied.

“That is none of your business,” Max said.

“I'm your wife… everything you do is my business,” Emily said.

“No, everything I do isn’t your business… it isn't and you're the one who was considering getting a job behind my back. Obviously you don't believe in me, or in us,” Max whispered in a nasty tone of voice.

Little Max didn’t appear to have noticed that they were fighting but the kid was super sharp, so Max tried to keep it down.

“We can think about a second child, and a pet, but I'll "curb fairy" your ass unless you get baby Max's things back, right now,” Emily said and meant it.

“Curb fairy my ass?” Max asked derisively and paused.

“I mean kick your ass to the curb… do not pass marriage counseling… do not collect half of my retirement savings. I’ll file for separation and divorce,” Emily said and was horrified to realize that she meant it.

“But—”

“No, if ands or buts,” Emily said, “I’m sick of your crap and we have a lot more to talk about… but first things first. Get our child’s stuff back or I’m going to put you in the category of a man who doesn’t truly care about what’s best for his little boy or me.”

Max stared at Emily and was horrified to realize that she meant it.

As pissed as he was, and as defensive as he felt, he loved his wife and child. He’d thought that maybe she’d go along with getting rid of the toys and such.

He’d almost felt like it was a kind thing to do, to donate the stuff to multiple underprivileged and under-stimulated not-so-bright children—kids who needed to develop greater mental abilities—instead of keeping it for their one brilliant child.

He wasn’t even sure where the stuff about having another baby had come from.

He felt terror over money but lately had pushed all thoughts of book sales and income from his mind. He’d stopped checking their sales each day. He barely glanced at their social networks and just today had avoided a call from Kathryn.

He came out of his reverie, only to see that Emily had pulled out her cell phone and continued to look at him expectantly.

Was she threatening him by holding her mobile phone?

Was she planning to call the headhunter back?

Or, worse, he thought, and his heart sank into his shoes, was she thinking about calling a divorce attorney?

She was right, they would have to talk. But, to stave off immediate disaster, he decided he’d better get the kid’s stuff back inside and get rid of the online ad immediately.

“Fine,” Max shouted at Emily and their toddler burst into tears.

“Fine,” Emily said calmly in response and took Max Jr. into her arms.

“It’s okay, Maximillion, daddy is going to get your toys back,” Emily said.

“Uh-huh, maman,” her toddler replied sobbing, his face red and sweating with emotion. She kissed the top of his head and neck until he was smiling again.

Max jumped up and rushed out of the backyard. He grabbed the boxes off of the curb, grateful that he didn’t have to beat off any takers, and shoved all of the stuff into their garage.

Then he checked the time. He freaked to realize that he was going to be late. He felt sick about the idea of paying for a few minutes that he wouldn't get the benefit of. Without mentioning to his wife that he had an appointment, Max jumped in the car and drove to Dr. Charles office.

Emily, in the back yard with her toddler, heard the car start up and knew that Max was leaving without saying goodbye. A tear slid down her face.

Should she seriously consider leaving him? Was he going to tell her what was going on? What kind of husband left without saying good-bye? she wondered.

I
NSIDE OF HIS therapist’s office, Max lay on the couch, arms stretched over his head, and avoided looking at his counselor.

“So, we were fighting and she basically threatened me… with divorce. I think she thinks that I’m cheating on her, with you… well, not you actually but a woman named Simone,” Max admitted.

“Why didn’t you tell her the truth?” Dr. Charles asked.

“I… I don’t like to talk about my feelings,” Max admitted.

“What's the worst thing that could happen, if you were honest and let yourself be truly vulnerable with your wife?” she asked him.

Max groaned, then answered.

“I don't know. She'd see I'm a loser… maybe she'd leave me,” Max said, “although maybe she will anyhow… she pretty much threatened me with divorce today.”

“Out of the blue?” Dr. Charles asked.

“Not exactly, uh, I mean… I’d put some of the baby’s toys outside without asking her and kind of demanded that she have another baby and get a dog… and then I wouldn’t talk with her about her concerns that I’m cheating. I told it was none of her business. I guess she freaked out over all of that,” Max admitted.

“Let’s talk about negative projections again and personal responsibility for a moment,” Dr. Charles said and Max moaned mentally.

How come nobody ever talks about how horrible it is to gain insight into one’s own psyche? Max wondered. It was hell, realizing what a negative, obnoxious, self-centered, fearful prick he often was.

After a powerful therapy session, and an hour spent thinking things over at a cafe, Max returned home.

He entered the master bedroom. Emily was lying face down on the bed. She didn’t acknowledge his presence.

Wearing exercise clothes, her hair in a ponytail, it was clear that she’d just worked out. Emily’s butt was significantly tighter, Max noticed. It surprised him. He looked more carefully at her.

Her hair had been done. Her hair, she, was beautiful. He hoped that she wasn’t seeing anyone and that she would listen to what he had to say.

“Hey,” Max said and sat on the bed. She said nothing.

“I'm sorry. I was an ass,” he said and was sad that he got only silence from Emily.

“Max Jr. already in bed?” he asked. She grunted in response.

Truth was, he’d already checked the nursery and knew that his son had fallen asleep early. Emily’s lack of response, and the session with Dr. Charles, made him feel certain that he should come clean with his wife.

He took a deep breath. Dr. Charles said that relationships are like buildings and a strong relationship is built on a foundation of trust. She’d also said that his concerns were normal for a man his age, with his responsibilities, and life experience.

Max stared at his wife. She was essentially immobile and ignoring him. Emily was unable to even look at Max. He’d been such a prick earlier, tossing out their child’s toys and being an ass to her.

His insistence upon their need to expand their family, just when she was getting a handle on rebooting their business, and making personal and professional progress, drained her entirely.

She felt completely unable to face him, to speak to him, after his continuing peculiar attitude toward Max Jr.’s brilliant intellect and the way that he’d spoken to her earlier.

“Simone… is… a professional,” he admitted.

It sickened him to have to admit that he’d sought help from a mental health professional. He didn’t want his wife to think he was crazy or mentally imbalanced or to think that he needed to be institutionalized.

Emily turned over and stared at him in shock. He could see the judgment and horror in her eyes. He cringed at her response.

“You're seeing a hooker?” Emily asked in a small voice, that was almost like a whisper.

If that’s what Max was saying, there was no coming back for her. She tried to imagine her blond, all-American hubby in a hotel room with a call girl but it was impossible.

“What?” Max asked and struggled to process what his wife had said.

Oh, crap, he realized, she thinks Simone is a prostitute.

It was almost funny, except his wife looked like she was on the verge of leaving him.

“I can’t believe that you would expose me to venereal disease or HIV,” she said.

“No! God, no, she's my therapist,” Max insisted, “I've never looked at another woman in a serious way. I love you.”

Emily looked less shocked and horrified but still sad. She was silent a long time yet Max couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“You should have told me you were going to therapy,” Emily finally replied, “I didn’t know where the money was going. It confused me.”

“You’re right, I should have told you… but I’ve been… Things have been… It's not that I'm stupider than our kid… it's that our kid is so smart,” Max said.

Emily looked at him strangely.

“That's your problem? That’s why you’re in therapy, if that’s really what you’ve been up to?” Emily asked.

“It really is what I’ve been up to… although his intelligence isn’t the problem exactly, but it triggered my issue.”

“Well, what’s your issue then?” Emily asked and reminded herself to be compassionate and kind. He was finally being honest and the fact that he’d been secretly seeing a therapist, and not a prostitute, was a good thing.

“Therapy helped me to figure out that I never feel good, no matter what I do and it's not baby Max's fault or yours…” he admitted.

Emily looked at him closely. She had no reason to believe him. He’d been taking their money, without discussing it with her, and spending it on something, yet she felt like he was telling the truth.

“You realized in therapy that your problems are not our fault? In therapy?” Emily asked.

“Yeah,” Max admitted, “Dr. Charles, her name is Simone… but she just used that name to leave a message, I don’t call her by her first name, Dr. Charles helped me to realize that.”

Emily spontaneously hugged her husband.

“What was that for?” Max asked and realized that he felt terribly emotional.

“Thanks for saying that, that it’s not our fault, because the way you’ve been acting… and keeping things to yourself… it felt like maybe you were blaming me, like we were no longer a team,” Emily said.

“You and my kid are smarter than me,” Max said.

“We're just smart in different ways. Everybody is smart in different ways,” said Emily.

“I'm familiar with multiple intelligence theory… but realistically it busts my balls that you and baby Max have higher I.Q.'s than me. I want to be on top, for whatever reason. These feelings and thoughts are mine, I'm the only one who can change them… and I'm working on it,” Max admitted.

Emily nodded. She understood. There had been times in the past when she felt inferior, or like she wanted to be better than she was, or whatever.

“Let me know if I can help,” Emily said, “and please, talk to me, whatever you’re going through… I want to help.”

“I will,” Max said.

“I mean it, because shutting me out and keeping secrets will destroy us,” Emily said.

“I get angry,” Max said, “and it spews on you… but I’m trying to work through it. I’m really looking at what a selfish person I am and how that hurts the people that I love. You and little Max.”

Emily nodded and they embraced each other. Her relief was obvious.

She felt dumbfounded really, to realize that Simone was a shrink, that her husband, who never had anything good to say about psychologists, had sought professional help... and he seemed to be gaining real self-awareness.

“I’m sorry,” he said and struggled not to break down.

He must be desperate she realized, to try and get help and to have effectively just told her that he was sorry for being such a shitty husband. Wowza.

It was stunning, really. This is it, she decided, marriage in the trenches and it was nothing like any romance movie or book that she’d ever seen.

Would wonders never cease?

“I’d love to take a look at the new book draft now,” he finally said.

“Really?” Emily asked and brightened.

“Yeah, I saw some of your marketing stuff the other day and it’s good. I like the lighter approach. People can probably face their money issues more easily if they can laugh a little along the way,” Max said.

“I’m glad you liked it… it’s our marketing stuff,” she replied.

She got up and went into their home office and snagged the most recent copy of their book manuscript and a red pen then returned to the bedroom. She knew that he'd glanced at it a bit but he hadn't really settle in and done any serious work. It was a relief that he seemed ready to do his part.

“Here it is,” Emily said and handed the printed document to her husband.

“Thanks, babe,” Max said and began to immediately read and edit the manuscript. Emily picked up tablet up off of the floor and checked in with all of their social networks.

She pulled up their marketing plan document and related spreadsheets and updated their numbers. Then she created more content, including posts and graphics, and the like, to auto-post over the next two weeks.

Some two hours later they had each made significant progress. Max left the room briefly to get them something to drink and returned with a hot green tea for her and something for himself.

“I think Edwin is going to propose,” Emily said at some point, papers spread all around her, mug of steaming green tea in her hand.

“A man chases a girl, until she catches him,” Max said sarcastically.

“Can't you just be happy for them?” Emily asked, irritated that Max was still incredibly negative.

“Why should I be happy?” Max asked.

“Why shouldn’t you be happy?” Emily said.

“Why should I? We could lose everything, the house, have to take day jobs, put the kid in day care, not be able to have another baby. It could all go to hell with my brilliant kid watching,” Max replied.

“Our kid is smart. That's all and it's just fine, nobody is to blame… and everything is fine, or soon will be, in those other areas,” Emily said calmly, “and being happy for Edwin and Isis is entirely unrelated to whether or not we are doing okay in any area of our life.”

Max struggled not to lose it and turned on Emily. He glared at her and she ignored him. He looked around their home office and realized that it was tidy. He looked at Emily again, more closely this time. She was perfect, like her old self.

“It's all your fault!” he finally said even though he was horrified to hear the words coming out of his own mouth.

“You always surpassed me, in school, in our first jobs in marketing, in our business, and now our kid will too,” Max said petulantly.

“Intelligence isn't a crime, Max,” Emily said and wondered where his earlier apologetic tone, and desire for forgiveness, had gone. It appeared that, a few short hours later, Max was back to being a dick.

“You're sneaky with the stuff you do with little Max, and you were sneaky about the headhunter,” Max said.

“Is that what this is about?” Emily asked.

“Maybe,” Max admitted.

“I didn’t even look at the offer. Plus, I didn't mention it because you were such an ass about little Max… and busy elsewhere,” Emily said.

“It was therapy,” Max said defensively.

“But I didn’t know that,” Emily said, “I thought you didn’t love me anymore. I thought you were seeing, maybe in love with, someone else.”

“I’m sorry,” Max said and held her tenderly, “I’ve been a real fucker and it’s like I can’t control it, and I hate myself when I’m like that, and then I do it again.”

“Uh-huh,” Emily said, “Have you considered that maybe you're jealous of Edwin for some reason?” Max groan mentally because, the moment that she said it, he realized that it was true.

For her part, Emily shook her head and desperately hoped that the therapy was, eventually, going to make a significant difference.

They spent the rest of the evening together. Max tried to be on his best behavior. He offered his wife chocolate but she declined. He made her another cup of tea. She was thankful, and said so, yet it almost broke his heart to notice how gingerly she treated him.

Goddamn, he'd nearly derrailed his marriage. He hoped to God that he would be able to get this thing back on the rails. Periodically he surreptitiously glanced at her, her strands of silky long blond hair hanging down as she bent over her electronic device.

He felt like such a shit. The whole thing seemed pretty hopeless but at some point, lost in editing, he felt her touch his index finger with her own fingertip. He looked up to see her sparkling blue eyes gazing at him with what he could only presume was a strange combination of love and hope.

He'd groaned and pulled her to him and kissed her, then. She had gasped and he could see that she struggled not to cry. He kissed her harder and then somehow their clothes disappeared and they were together, in the most intimate and erotic way that he could remember, for the the first time in a good long while.

Dressed again, settling in for a late night, as she made him a coffee in the kitchen, Max felt like they just might make it after all.

She brought him his coffee and he was careful to express his true appreciation. She smiled and he could see that she felt his love.

Once she settled beside him, he edited for about four more hours, making notes about the flow and structure of the book.

She worked alone next to him.on other tasks. When he was finished editing for the night, she showed Max her recent social networking efforts and results, including their edited video content, and her finalized marketing plan.

Exhausted, they finally fell asleep in each other's arms.

The following day, Emily couldn't wait to meet up with Isis and Juliette. She was sick of drama and hoped that a few hours with her best friends would uplift her. Sure, things had come to a climax with Max, and seemed to be on the upswing, but it had all been so emotionally draining.

It was hard for Emily to relax, to trust the fragile balance of their new honesty and ever-changing relationship situation. She really did believe that Simone was a therapist yet she was aware that Max, apparently, had some issues.