The Birth Order Book (6 page)

I caught the governor’s eye across the room and said: “Governor Symington, excuse me, but you are not a baby of the family.”

He looked at me as if to say,
What? I ought to know where I was born in my own family—I
am
the baby.

“I can see that you doubt me a bit,” I said. “Would you tell me a bit about your family?”

“Well,” replied the governor, “I’ve got three older sisters—”

“And you are the only son?” I interrupted.

“Yes, that’s true.”

“Bingo! I rest my case. Governor, you are a firstborn child— the firstborn
male
in the Symington family.”

Interestingly, Symington went on to a tumultuous career as governor, which demonstrated that while he was a functional firstborn, he also had weaknesses typical of some lastborns.
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For one more illustration of how the sex variable affects birth order, let’s consider a reverse of the Symington family and look at three boys followed by a girl. You don’t have to be a certified psychologist to figure out that there will be something very special about one member of this family:

Family C

Male—16

Male—14

Male—12

Female—11

The fourthborn girl will definitely be a special baby princess. And in this kind of mix, which child is in the
least
preferable position? The thirdborn male—the 12-year-old—has to be sweating a bit. When his younger sister was born, Mom had already been down to the hospital three times and brought home a boy every time. She and Dad were pulling for a girl each time, and then that baby arrived, only fifteen to eighteen months behind the thirdborn male. He was bound to hear her footsteps even before she could walk!

Any time the secondborn is of the same sex as the firstborn, there is bound to be more friction.

Who else in this family is in a favorable spot? A good bet is that firstborn male, who will likely excel at school. Of course, he will probably engage in plenty of rivalry with his younger brother, because any time the secondborn is of the same sex as the firstborn, there is bound to be more friction. If older brother is a scholar, secondborn is likely to be an athlete, or he may prefer the school band (maybe he’ll form his own rock group) and leave athletics to the thirdborn boy. If the thirdborn does become an athlete, it could be fortunate because it will help him work out frustrations caused by having to compete with his princess baby sister.

When sex differences create someone “special,” it can put pressure on the child immediately above or below that special person.

Family C is just one example of how the sex of each child can affect the family. The rule of thumb is when sex differences create someone “special,” it can put pressure on the child immediately above or below that special person.

In This Corner, Burly the Bigger

Another variable that can turn the birth order factor upside down, or at least tilt it a bit, is a marked difference in physical looks, size, or ability. Little Chester, age 10, is the firstborn, but he’s still called “little” because his brother, one year younger, is nicknamed “Burly” and is four inches taller and twenty-five pounds heavier. Because it’s a two-child family, the two males are natural rivals, so Chester better be extra quick or extra smart or he’s in for a lot of difficult days—and quite possibly a role reversal in which Burly will take all the firstborn privileges and prerogatives by default while Chester slips back to second place. A role reversal is when two children do something of a flip-flop.

Another all-too-frequent example of this kind of variable is the two-girl family where one is extremely pretty and the other is extremely plain. If the plain one is the firstborn, her pretty little sister may drive her into a shell from which she will never escape. If the firstborn is the pretty one, the plain baby of the family better figure out some kind of secret weapon—athletics or being the family scholar—or she’s in for a long and dreary career as the “homely little sister.”

A role reversal is when two children do something of a flip-flop.

In the examples of Burly and the pretty secondborn, marked physical differences cause a secondborn to function like a firstborn, and vice versa. Another physical difference that can flip-flop things in a hurry is when one member of the family suffers from serious disease or disability. For example, let’s create a family where the firstborn has cerebral palsy:

Family D

Female—14, physically challenged with cerebral palsy

Female—12

Male—10

Here we have another case of a role reversal. The special person is born at the top, but her secondborn sister is almost certain to take the role of the firstborn in the family because of her older sister’s extreme disability.

And what about little lastborn brother? He is, of course, the firstborn male in the family, and chances are that his cerebral-palsied sister will ace him out of the baby status. This lastborn son may have a few baby characteristics but may act more like a firstborn than anything else.

One other difference that counselors see a lot more of in recent years is a combination of physical/mental problems that have come to be called ADD (attention deficit disorder) or ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). Whatever you call it, such a disorder can seriously affect the birth order factor. For example, suppose a family has a firstborn boy with ADHD and a secondborn girl who seems to be perfectly “normal.” The almost classic response to this situation by the parents is that they will soon see the firstborn son as something of the family black sheep—always a problem— while their secondborn daughter takes over as far as gaining firstborn privileges and rewards.

Multiple Births

Another important variable in birth order is multiple births, which have been happening more often in recent years. The usual multiple birth that we’ve seen down through the years is, of course, twins. And twins are always special. Twins are usually very aware of who is the firstborn. One of them will let you know that he is older, even if it’s by as little as one minute!

Twins are usually very aware of who is the firstborn. One of them will let you know that he is older, even if it’s by as little as one minute!

No matter where twins may land in a family birth order, they wind up as something of a firstborn/ secondborn combination and are usually competitor and companion. The firstborn often becomes the assertive leader, and the secondborn follows along. This happens often, but not always. Some twinships can turn into real rivalries, particularly if the children are the same sex.
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This is also a very common place to find a role reversal.

When it comes to the family zoo, a multiple birth is bound to cause pressure on anyone born above as well as anyone born below. Let’s take a look at how this can work when twins arrive later, which is often the case because women in their forties are much more likely to have twins than women in their twenties.
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Family E

Female—12

Male—10

Twin Males—7

Female—3

Here we have twins with a firstborn female and a firstborn male of the family above them. Those firstborns can probably handle the special attention the twins are bound to attract, but that little sister at the bottom of the pack is going to have problems, even though she is supposedly the baby princess. At least she has a better chance than if she were a lastborn boy. A lastborn boy living under that 7-year-old “dynamic duo” would be even less special, and he could become very discouraged while trying to compete for attention. Unless the parents became aware of what was happening, the twins could blow out their little brother’s candle.

If you have kids in higher positions in the family who do very well, that next-in-line child might think,
Hey, what’s the use of even trying? I can’t measure up to what they’ve accomplished.

It’s a little like the experience I once had on
The View
. After I’d completed my six-minute spot, I knew from the enthusiastic response of the audience that I’d done a good job. I walked back into the green room, and everyone started clapping. Jon Stewart, the comedian who was supposed to go on next, looked up at me and said, “Thanks a lot.” That’s about as good of an endorsement as you can get from Jon Stewart. In other words, he was saying, “Hey, you’re a hard act to follow.”

The same is true with kids in families. If you have kids in higher positions in the family who do very well, that next-in-line child might think,
Hey, what’s the use of even trying? I can’t measure up to what they’ve accomplished.

But pressure can come at the top of the family when a multiple birth occurs below. A graphic example of this occurred in November 1997 when septuplets were born to Bobbi and Kenny McCaughey of Carlisle, Iowa. The news reports revealed that the four girls and three boys had an older sister, Mikayla, who was 21 months old when the septuplets arrived and really didn’t quite understand that all
seven
of them were coming home to stay. Talk about dethronement! You can bet your boots that little Mikayla soon started hearing the thundering hoofbeats of a stampede as all those little McCaugheys below her started claiming their share of the turf and then some.

Shortly after the birth of the McCaughey septuplets, I had the pleasure of speaking to one set of grandparents (Bobbi’s mother and father) during a talk show. Later during the show, we discussed how these septuplets were bound to dethrone their big sister. I suggested that when Bobbi and Kenny brought the “Magnificent Seven” home from the hospital, they needed to constantly remind Mikayla that “You’re a
big girl
. You take only one nap a day, but the babies have to take
this many
naps a day.” One of the parents could hold up both hands—all ten fingers—to indicate for Mikayla that all her little brothers and sisters had to take ten naps a day—that’s a total of seventy naps to her one!

Another obvious suggestion was that Mikayla be told that because she is a big girl, she can be a helper and get diapers, powder, and other things for Mommy as she cares for all the babies.

I’m also intrigued to follow the oldest of the McCaughey septuplets. While all of them were in the womb, little Kenneth Jr., the one nearest the cervical entrance, was literally holding up all his brothers and sisters because he was at the base of an inverted triangle that all of the babies formed inside the womb. Doctors nicknamed Kenneth “Hercules,” not only because he had done a Herculean job in the womb but because he was the largest of the septuplets at three pounds, four ounces, and he was also the firstborn. With all that going for little Kenneth before he ever appeared in this world, you can imagine the kind of expectations that may have been placed on him and what he might accomplish in the future.

Deaths

Here are two examples of how death can affect birth order in a profound way. First, suppose a family has two sons and a daughter. At age 4, the older boy dies of spinal meningitis, leaving behind his 2-year-old brother and 6-month-old sister. The 2-year-old takes over the firstborn role and grows up that way, while his little sister, who actually was born a baby of the family, grows up more as a firstborn girl.

Second, suppose the oldest child in the family dies at age 12 in an automobile accident. His 10-year-old brother assumes the firstborn role and is suddenly given firstborn assignments and responsibilities. But is he really a firstborn? No, for ten years he grew up as a secondborn, content not to challenge his older brother for supremacy in the family. Now he is getting a lot of pressure that he really doesn’t want and has no idea how to cope with because he has no experience in that area.

Before the accident he had been in a fairly easy position because his older brother had been the ice cutter on the lake of life. All of a sudden older brother is gone, and while the trauma of losing him is bad enough, on top of that the secondborn suddenly feels as if the world is on his shoulders. He becomes the family standard-bearer; he has to live his life as well as his older brother’s.

A classic illustration of this very scenario happened when Joseph Kennedy Jr. died at the controls of his bomber in World War II, and his younger brother John had to become the family standard-bearer at the age of 19. For the rest of his life, even while in the White House, John Kennedy had to cope with the ghost of his older brother, who was the apple of their father’s eye.

Adoptions

And what about adoption? How does it affect birth order? Actually, it doesn’t, if the adoption occurs when the child is an infant. Today, however, many more people are adopting children who are a bit older—around 3, 4, 5, and so on. Newly adoptive parents must keep in mind that a child adopted at age 4 has operated at a certain birth order level in whatever “family” (birth family, foster family, or welfare institution) he was part of before the adoption. Just because he may wind up to be the oldest or youngest in his new family doesn’t necessarily make him a firstborn or a lastborn. The birth order characteristics from the child’s previous life follow the child into his new family.

All the children in your family must be accepted and loved equally. No child wants—or deserves—to feel like she is second fiddle her whole life.

There is another thing adoptive parents need to watch out for, particularly if they are adding an adopted child to other children already in the family. The obvious danger is to unconsciously favor a child connected to you by blood—a child you have birthed—over an adopted child. However, all the children in your family must be accepted and loved equally. This is an issue that parents who are considering adoption must carefully weigh in their own hearts before bringing an adopted child into their home. No child wants— or deserves—to feel like she is second fiddle her whole life.