The Birth Order Book (8 page)

When I speak about marriage, I often quote this equation: E – R = D (Expectations minus Reality equals Disillusionment). That little equation can apply to a lot of things in family living, but another equation fits blended families much more aptly: N × R = C (Naïveté times Reality equals Chaos). Going through premarital counseling is a great help, but until you are all together under the same roof, you don’t really know how it’s all going to work.

Going through premarital counseling is a great help, but until you are all together under the same roof, you don’t really know how it’s all going to work.

Handling firstborns, middleborns, and lastborns in one family is challenging enough. But bring two families together into a
Brady Bunch
or
Eight Is Enough
setting, and things get complicated in a hurry. Those classic shows, which still appear as reruns, create a plastic package where crises and problems are always solved neatly and easily as everyone blends into the “happily ever after.” But in truth, it takes a lot of work, planning, talking, and give-and-take in a blended family.

So for those who are considering remarriage or are already in a blended family, what are the dos and don’ts?

1. Don’t assume there will be “instant love” among all members of the new family. Sibling rivalry goes back to Cain and Abel, and it’s even more likely in a blended family, especially if the children are close in age and thus are competing with each other. So set the ground rules that it’s okay to disagree but that it must always be done with respect for each person in the family so no one feels stepped on.

2. Don’t assume it will be easier to have a blended family with a spouse and five children than it is to be a single parent of two. If you are not yet remarried, ask yourself the question, “Have we fallen in love, or have we fallen in need?” It’s typical for people who have divorced or lost spouses in another way to say to each other, “You have two kids and I have two, so why don’t we get married? It’ll be easier for all of us.” Sure, it may be easier financially with all of you living in one home with one mortgage, but emotionally and relationally, will it be easier? Acquiring “instant children” can also mean acquiring instant problems.

3. Mom and Dad must stand shoulder to shoulder— united together as parents—in order for the marriage and blended family to survive. Think of it this way. Most couples date for only two years before they decide to retie the knot. The relationship each of those spouses have had with their respective children is usually much longer. So is it reasonable to believe that a two-year relationship between a husband and wife who have remarried is going to outweigh parent/child relationships that have been in existence for several years at least, and in some cases, ten to fifteen years or more?

To paraphrase the old saying, blood in biological families is thicker than the punch served at the remarriage reception. When there’s a fight in the family, it usually becomes the mom and her kids against the dad and his kids. And in that kind of warfare, the probability that a marriage will survive is very low. But if you and your spouse decide that you’re going to stand together on all issues, no matter what (that means keeping any disagreement between the two of you away from the children’s hearing and working it out quietly between you), and that “your children” will always be “our” children, you’re giving yourself the best chance of success.

Granted, when children in a blended family are very young, Mom and Dad have a better chance. Suppose stepsisters, ages 1 and 3, join stepbrothers, ages 2 and 4. All their personalities are still in the formative stage, and time is on the parents’ side. But make those children a little older—beyond age 5 when the personality is formed—and instead of having instant love and harmony and fun playmates, what you can easily have is instant war and constant competition.

Birth Orders Don’t Change

The key to understanding how friction can develop in a blended family is to know that once the grain of the wood (the personality) is set after age 5 or 6, every birth order is set as well. In other words, the firstborn is always a firstborn, a middle child is always a middle child, and so on. Blended families do not create new birth order positions. Because one firstborn suddenly has a stepbrother or sister who is older, that doesn’t mean that firstborn stops being typically conscientious, structured, well organized, or perfectionist.

By the same token, a lastborn isn’t suddenly going to change his personality because a divorce and remarriage makes him a middle child in the family. He’ll still lean toward being a show-off, an attention seeker, a manipulator, a charmer, and a little clown who likes to have fun, even though Mom and Dad would now like him to take on more responsibility because there are younger children around.

So the key to the blended birth order game is this: when a child who is born into one birth order lands on another limb in his blended family tree, do not treat that child as something he is not. He may have to take on different responsibilities and play different roles at times, but never push or force him; never forget who he really is.
5

Let’s go down through the different birth orders and see what happens when they get “repositioned” in blended families. First, we’ll take a blended family that winds up with almost all firstborns in one way or another:

The key to the blended birth order game is this: when a child who is born into one birth order lands on another limb in his blended family tree, do not treat that child as something he is not.

Family H

According to what we’ve already learned about birth order and spacing, here’s a blended family whose name might be the Armageddons. Why? Because the family contains five people with firstborn characteristics. And at the top of the heap we have a perfectionist, firstborn father, who will be very demanding and critical of not only his own children but also his stepchildren. And just for fun, we’ve added in a mother who was a special-jewel only child and will probably be extra sensitive about having things her way.

You don’t have to go much deeper into this family to see how tension could arrive from many directions. There is bound to be natural rivalry between the two males at the top who are 15 and 16. And the same could be true of the secondborn female, 13, and secondborn male, 14, who could easily vie for supremacy in their secondborn roles.

What parents must remember is that these kids have nothing in common (other than the fact that they have now been thrust together). Just seeing each other every day reminds them of something very hurtful—the divorce and/or separation from one of their parents. Before this new family was formed, these children were used to making the calls. Now if there is an ax to grind, they can easily find reason to do so in each other. After a bad day at school, if all else fails, they can always pick on their no-good stepbrother or stepsister.

Another way the two oldest males may lock horns is if the mother’s firstborn happens to be a neat freak who keeps his room clean (such things have been known to happen). He winds up having to share a room with his 16-year-old stepbrother, who is not that concerned about neatness and, in true firstborn style, doesn’t like surprises. What happens when the neat stepbrother decides he’s had enough of a sloppy room, cleans up the place, and “puts a few things away”? One word: Armageddon!

So what can parents do in a blended family when tensions and frictions arise? Run the family like a small corporation. Have regular meetings.

So what can parents do in a blended family when tensions and frictions arise? Run the family like a small corporation. Have regular meetings where you all sit down and discuss these questions: (1) How does my behavior in this family affect all the other members of the family? and (2) If my behavior is causing problems, how can I change it?

Will blended families with several firstborns always have their problems? Not necessarily. Let’s look at this family, for example:

Family I

This family could have some problems, but not as many as Family H might. The oldest male on Dad’s side is “king of the hill” in the new blended family, and he’s always gotten along quite well with his sister, two years younger. She’s the firstborn female of the family and has carved her own path quite nicely. Over on Mom’s side, the 9-year-old female isn’t going to challenge her 14-year-old stepbrother, and the 7-year-old (firstborn male) is certainly not going to either. All in all, this family has a good chance of making it. If the little 4-year-old on Mom’s side plays her cards right, she may be able to charm her older stepbrother and stepsister into treating her like a baby princess.

Quick Rules for Family Meetings

1. Every member of the group has an equal say.

2. One person talks at a time.

3. No one interrupts until the person talking is done.

4. The atmosphere of the meeting must be one of mutual respect for all.

5. If heated conflict arises, end the meeting to give everyone time to go to their own areas and cool off. But before everyone leaves, set another meeting time in the near future (within a day) to come back to discuss the issue.

That’s not to say that there aren’t some problems that could arise. For example, the 12-year-old on Dad’s side has been baby of the family all her life, and depending on how much her dad has spoiled her, she may or may not resent the three new “babies,” all younger than she is, who have suddenly moved in. And on Mom’s side, the oldest female has been ruling the roost in her family for as long as she can remember, and suddenly she’s been pressed into middle child territory. She probably won’t even think about taking on her 14-year-old stepbrother, but if she’s a feisty firstborn, she may decide the 12-year-old stepsister is worth a try, especially if the girls have to share a room.

Blending Laterborns

While trouble often arises in a blended family with firstborns butting heads, plenty of friction can occur in the laterborn children as well. Let’s look at how two laterborn people got together and created a blended Brady Bunch:

Family J

Let’s set aside for the moment the obvious friction at the top with the oldest female and the oldest male squaring off for king or queen of the hill. If they are both aggressive firstborns, watch out! One or both of them, however, could be compliant firstborns, and that would make things easier.

But in this scenario, let’s focus on the kids down below. The one in the worst position in this whole blended family is the 10-year-old on Dad’s side. She has always been sandwiched between an older sister and a 7-year-old prince below her, so she’s always felt the typical middle child squeeze. Now all of a sudden she has three more people to contend with, two of whom are older, so the squeeze gets even tighter.

On Mom’s side, the one in the best position in the entire blended family is the secondborn girl. She’s always been the only girl in her original family, so she brings to the table a very positive attitude about herself and life in general. The bad news, however, is that she may resent the other two females— her stepsisters—and there can be lots of tension there. The child this girl may get along with best, strangely enough, is the 7-year-old stepbrother. This may be the case if she has always had problems with her own brothers and still has an unfulfilled need to “mother” someone. These two could form an “alliance” and get along very well.

Note that down at the bottom of this blended heap, we have two little guys vying for the title of crown prince (or maybe it’s clown prince). Both of these babies have been used to the limelight and having things their way. Now they have to share that limelight, and there could be trouble. It would seem that there is room for only one baby in this family, so who will it be? The obvious choice is the youngest one of all—the 7-year-old on Dad’s side. But that won’t sit well with the 8-year-old on Mom’s side. So both parents will need to work together to be sure that both of these babies of the family get their share of attention.

Note, too, the birth orders of the two parents. Dad is a nonconfrontational middle child, and Mom was a lastborn baby princess herself. That means Dad has a contradiction working in his middle child personality. Even though he may have learned some mediating and negotiating skills while growing up, he decided on a lifestyle that is nonconfrontational because that’s what makes him more comfortable. This means he won’t want to do much mediating and negotiating with the children, so that leaves it to Mom. Mom is a lastborn who may have had a long history of being spoiled and wanting things her way. This will certainly spill over into wanting advantages and fair treatment for “her kids” instead of for “his kids.”