The Black Prince (Penguin Classics) (38 page)

‘Well, then — Well, then—’

‘Bradley, you’ve been sweet, thank you, I’ve so much enjoyed it.’

‘Oh, I quite forgot to bring your
Hamlet.’
I had of course done no such thing.

‘Never mind, I’ll get it another time. Good night, Bradley, and thanks.’

‘Yes, I — let me see—’

‘I must run.’

‘Won’t you – Shall we fix a time for you to come – You said you had some – I’m so often out – Or shallI – Will you – ’

‘I’ll ring you. Good night, and thank you so much.’

It was now or never. With a sense of moving very slowly, of executing some sort of precise figure in a minuet, I stepped a little in front of Julian, who was turning away, took her left wrist lightly in my right hand, thereby halting her, and then leaned down and pressed my judiciously parted lips against her cheek. The effect could not be casual. I straightened up and we stood for a moment looking at each other.

Julian said, ‘Bradley, if I asked you, would you come to Covent Garden with me?’

‘Yes, of course.’ I would go to hell with her, and even to Covent Garden.

‘It’s
Rosenkavalier.
Next Wednesday. Meet in the foyer about half past six. I’ve got quite good tickets. Septimus Leech got us two, only now he can’t come.’

‘Who is Septimus Leech?’

‘Oh he’s my new boy – friend. Good night, Bradley.’

She was gone. I stood there dazed in the lamplight among the hurrying ghosts. And I felt as a man might feel who, with a whole skin on him and a square meal inside him, sits in a cell having just been captured by the secret police.

 

 

 

 

The next morning, of course, I awoke in torment. The reader may think it was unconscionably stupid of me not to have foreseen that I could not continue simply to derive happiness from this situation. But the reader, unless he is at this moment of reading himself madly in love, has probably mercifully forgotten, if indeed he ever knew, what this state of mind is like. It is, as I have remarked, a form of insanity. Is it not insane to concentrate one’s attention exclusively on one person, to drain the rest of the world of meaning, to have no thoughts, no feelings, no being except in relation to the beloved? What the beloved ‘is like’ or ‘is really like’ matters not a fig. Of course some people go crazy about people whom other people think worthless. ‘Why did she fall for the leader of the band?’ is an eternal question. We are stunned when we see those whom we esteem enslaved by the vulgar, the frivolous, or the base. But even if a man or a woman were so fine and so wise that their claim to be such could be denied by no one, it would still be a form of madness to direct upon him or upon her the kind of exclusive worshipping attention in which being in love consists.

A common though not invariable early phase of this madness, the one in fact through which I had just been passing, is a false loss of self, which can be so extreme that all fear of pain, all sense of time (time is anxiety, is fear) is utterly blotted out. The sensation itself of loving, the contemplation of the existence of the beloved, is an end in itself. A mystic’s heaven on earth must be just such an endless contemplation of God. Only God has (or would have if He existed) characteristics at least not totally inimical to the continuance of the pleasures of adoration. As the so – called ‘ground of being’ He may be considered to have come a good deal farther than half – way. Also He is changeless. To remain thus poised in the worship of a human being is, from both sides of the relationship, a much more precarious matter, even when the beloved is not nearly forty years younger and, to say the least of it, detached.

I had in fact lived through almost the whole history of ‘being in love’ in just over two days. (I say ‘almost the whole history’ because there is yet more to come.) The condensed phenomenology of the business had been enacted within me. On the first day I was simply a saint. I was so warmed and vitalized by sheer gratitude that I overflowed with charity. I felt so privileged and glorified that resentment, even memory of any wrong done to me, seemed inconceivable. I wanted to go around touching people, blessing them, communicating my great happiness, the good news, the
secret
of how the whole universe was a place of joy and freedom filled and running over with selfless rapture. I did not even want to see Julian on that day. I did not even need her. It was enough to know that she existed. I could
almost
have forgotten her, as perhaps the mystic forgets God, when he becomes God.

On the second day I began to need her, though even ‘anxiety’ would be too gross a word for that delicate silken magnetic tug, as it manifested itself at any rate initially. Self was reviving. On the first day Julian had been everywhere. On the second day she was, yes, somewhere, located vaguely, not yet dreadfully required, but needed. She was, on the second day, absent. This inspired the small craving for strategy, a little questing desire to make plans. The future, formerly blotted out by an excess of light, reappeared. There were once more vistas, hypotheses, possibilities. But joy and gratitutde still lightened the world and made possible a gentle concern with other people, other things. I wonder how long a man could remain in that first phase of love? Much longer than I did, no doubt, but surely not indefinitely. The second phase, I am sure, given favourable conditions, could continue much longer. (But again, not indefinitely. Love is history, is dialectic, it
must
move.) As it is, I lived in hours what another man might have lived in years.

The transformation of my beatitude could, as that second day wore on, be measured by a literally physical sense of strain, as if magnetic rays or even ropes or chains were delicately plucking, then tugging, then dragging. Physical desire had of course been with me from the first, but earlier it had been, though perceptually localized, metaphysically diffused into a general glory. Sex is our great connection with the world, and at its most felicitous and spiritual it is no servitude since it informs everything and enables us to inhabit and enjoy all that we touch and look upon. At other times it settles in the body like a toad. It becomes a drag, a weight: not necessarily for this reason unwelcome. We may love our chains and our stripes too. By the time Julian telephoned I was in deep anxiety and yearning but not in hell. I could not then willingly have put off seeing her, the craving was too acute. But I was able, when I was with her, to be perfectly happy. I did not expect the inferno.

Even then, when I got back to my flat after leaving her, I was confused and frightened and wounded, but not writhing, not screaming. My spiritual liberation from alcohol appeared to be over. I got out the secret bottle of whisky which I keep for emergencies and drank a lot of it neat. After that I drank some sherry. I also ate, spooning it out of the tin, some chicken curry which Francis had evidently introduced into the house. I felt then, as I remember having felt in childhood, very unhappy, somehow humiliated, but determined not to think, determined to seek refuge in sleep. I knew that I would sleep well and I did. I rushed towards unconsciousness as a ship that flies towards a black storm cloud which covers the whole of the horizon.

I woke with a clear head, a slight headache, and the knowledge that I was completely done for. Reason which had been – where had it been, during the last days? – somehow absent or dazed or altered or in abeyance, was once more at its post. (At least it was audible.) But in a rather specialized role and certainly not in that of a consoling friend. Reason was not, needless to say, uttering any coarse observations, such as that Julian was after all a very ordinary young woman and not worth all this fuss. Nor was it even pointing out that I had put myself in a situation where the torments of jealousy were simply endemic. I had not yet got as far as jealousy. That too was still to come. What the cold light showed me was that my situation was simply unlivable. I wanted, with a desire greater than any desire which I had ever conceived could exist without instantly killing its owner by spontaneous combustion, something which I simply could not have.

There were no tears now. I lay in bed in an electric storm of physical desire. I tossed and panted and groaned as if I were wrestling with a palpable demon. The fact that I had actually touched her, kissed her, grew (I am sorry about these metaphors) into a sort of mountain which kept falling on top of me. I felt her flesh upon my lips. Phantoms were bred from this touch. I felt like a grotesque condemned excluded monster. How could it be that I had actually kissed her cheek without enveloping her, without becoming her? How could I at that moment have refrained from kneeling at her feet and howling?

I got up but was suffering such extreme local discomfort that I could hardly get dressed. I started making tea, but its smell sickened me. I drank a little whisky in a glass of water and began to feel very ill. I could not stand still but wandered distractedly and rapidly about the flat rubbing against the furniture as a tiger in a cage endlessly brushes its bars. I had ceased groaning and was now
hissing
. I tried to compose a few thoughts about the future. Should I kill myself? Should I go at once to Patara and barricade myself in and blow my mind with alcohol? Run, run, run. But I could not compose thoughts. All that concerned me was finding some way of getting through these present
minutes
of pain.

I have said that I did not yet feel jealousy. Jealousy after all is a sort of exercise or play of the reason. And my state of love was still too monumentally complete in itself to let reason get inside. Reason stood, as it were, beside it, playing its torch over the monument. It was not yet worming about within. It was not really until the following day, day four that is (but I will describe it now), that I began to
think
that Julian was twenty and as free as a bird. Did I dare question with my jealous thought where she might be, and her affairs suppose? Yes, I did, it was ultimately unavoidable. At that very moment she could be anywhere in anybody’s arms. Of course I must have ‘known’ that at the start, since it was so obvious. But it had not then seemed to concern
me
or to touch the saint that I was. She had dwelt with me then in a kind of unlocalized communion of consciousness. Now it began suddenly to concern me so much that it felt like a red – hot knitting needle thrust into the liver. (Where had I picked up that appalling simile?)

Jealousy is the most dreadfully involuntary of all sins. It is at once one of the ugliest and one of the most pardonable. In fact, in relation to its badness it is probably the most pardonable. Zeus, who smiles at lovers’ oaths, must also condone their pangs and the venom which these pangs engender. Some Frenchman said that jealousy was born with love, but did not always die with love. I am not sure whether this is true. I would think that where there is jealousy there is love, and its appearance when love has apparently ceased is always a proof that the cessation is apparent. (I believe this is not just a verbal point.) Jealousy is certainly a measure of love in some, though as my own case illustrates not in all, of its phases. It also (and this may have prompted the Frenchman’s idea) seems like an alien growth – and
growth
is indeed the word. Jealousy is a cancer, it can kill that which it feeds on, though it is usually a horribly slow killer. (And thereby dies itself.) Also of course, to change the metaphor, jealousy is love, it is loving consciousness, loving vision, darkened by pain and in its most awful forms distorted by hate.

What is so terrible about it is the sense that a part of oneself has been irrecoverably alienated and stolen. I realized this now, first vaguely and then with increasing precision, in the case of Julian. It was not simply that I frenziedly desired what I could not have. That was but a blunt and unrefined kind of suffering. I was condemned to be
with
her even in her very rejection of me. And how long and how slow and how long – drawn – out that rejection would be. Still temptation would follow where she was. Endlessly she would give herself to others taking me with her. Like an obscene puny familiar I would sit in the corners of bedrooms where she kissed and loved. She would make consort with my foes, she would adore those that mocked me, she would drink contempt for me from alien lips. And all the time my very soul would travel with her, invisible and crying soundlessly with pain. I had acquired a dimension of suffering which would poison and devour my whole being, as far as I could see, for ever.

The idea that one recovers from being in love is, of course, by definition (by my definition anyway) excluded from the state of love. Besides, one does not always recover. And certainly no such banal would – be comfort could have existed for a second in the scorching atmosphere of my mind at that time. As I said earlier, I knew that I was completely done for. There was no ray of light, no comfort
at all.
Though I will now also mention something which dawned upon me later. There was of course no question now of writing, of ‘sublimating’ it all (ridiculous expression). But the sense remained that this was my destiny, that this was ... the work of ... the same power. And to be pinned down by
that
power, even though one was writhing upon a spear which passed through the liver, was to be in some terrible sense in one’s own place.

To speak of matters which are less obscure, I soon of course decided that I could not ‘run’. I could not go away to the country. I had to see Julian again, I had to wait through those awful days until the appointment at Covent Garden. Of course I wanted to ring her up at once and ask her to see me. But I somehow kept blindly thrusting this temptation away. I would not let my life degenerate into madness. Better to be alone with
him
and to suffer than to pull it all down into some sort of yelling chaos. Silence, though now with a different and utterly unconsoling sense, was my only task.

Somewhere in the middle of that morning, which I will not attempt to describe further (except to say that Hartbourne rang up: I replaced the receiver at once), Francis Marloe came.