The Black Prince (Penguin Classics) (44 page)

‘You know this is nonsense,’ said Arnold, ‘and anyway you’re contradicting yourself. If you pester her now you’ll make her emotional about you, you’ll make a
situation
between you. Naturally that’s what you want. Of course she doesn’t feel anything serious about you, even you seem to realize that it’s all in your mind. Just think what a child she is! And please, understand this, I will not have any “situation” coming into being between you and my daughter. There will be no meetings, no interesting discussions, no exploration of feelings, nothing. See this. please.
See
that I regard you in this context as if you were some filthy lustful old man who was following her in the street. I will be ruthless about this, Bradley. And it’s the kindest thing to be. You will leave Julian alone. I will protect her from you by imprisoning her, by taking her out of the country, if necessary by lawyers and by police and by physical force. Do not imagine that you can even write to her, she will be completely defended against you. You will never reach her, I am not going to let this thing
start.
My God, just put yourself in my place! Make up your mind to that
now
and do the decent and sensible thing and leave London at once. You were going to go anyway. Please go. Of course it will all blow over. I’m not suggesting that you never see her or us again, of course not. But I recognize that you’re in a stupid state of mind at present and I am not going to have my daughter involved in any way, however superficially or histrionically or inconclusively, with an elderly man. The idea sickens me and I will not permit it.’

There was a moment’s silence after this speech. I stared at Arnold. He had been sitting very still, speaking quietly but with a spitting staccato emphasis and with that sort of ‘edge’ to the voice which is intended to terrify. His face under his pale hair was flushed bright pink like a girl’s. I tried to check my fear with anger, but could not. I said in a small voice, ‘Your eloquence suggests to me that Julian did after all convince you both that she was in love.’

‘She doesn’t know what she feels—’

‘This isn’t the eighteenth century – ’

‘Come!’ Arnold got up, and motioned with his head to Rachel who rose too. ‘We’ve said what we came to say. We’ll leave you to – digest it – see there’s only one course for you to – adopt – ’

I opened the sitting – room door. I said, ‘Arnold, please don’t be so angry with me. I haven’t done anything wrong.’

‘Yes, you have,’ said Rachel. ‘You spoke to her about your feelings.’

‘All right. I shouldn’t have. But to love somebody isn’t a sin, there’s good in this, we’ll find a way to make it – all good – I won’t bother her – if you like I won’t see her for a week – let her think things over – ’

‘It won’t do,’ said Arnold, more gently. ‘Any sort of half – measures will only make things worse. You must see that, Bradley. Christ, you don’t want a mess any more than we do. You must go away. If you see her you’ll just make more drama. Best thing for all is stop, absolutely, now. Do see it. Sorry.’

Arnold went out of the sitting – room and opened the door of the flat.

Rachel passed me and as she did so she shrank from me and her mouth gave a little wince of disgust. She said tonelessly, ‘I want you to know, Bradley, that Arnold and I are entirely united in this matter.’

‘Forgive me, Rachel.’

She went on out of the flat, turning her back on me.

Arnold came back. He said, ‘There’s no need just now to act on the letter I sent you. Could I have it back?’

‘I’ve destroyed it.’

He stood a moment. ‘All right. I’m sorry I shouted at you. Will you please give me your word that you won’t try to see Julian until I permit it?’

‘No.’

‘Well. I will not allow any harm to my daughter. Be sure of that. Be – warned.’

He went out, closing the front door softly. I was panting with emotion. I ran to the telephone and dialled the Ealing number. There was a pause and then the high buzz of ‘number unobtainable’. I dialled several times, with the same result. I felt as if I had been cut off by an axe at the knees. I held my head in a violent grip, trying to compose myself and
think.
The urgency of the need to see Julian seethed all round me, blotting out my vision. I was being blinded and stung to death by bees. I was suffocating. I ran out into the court and began to walk at random along Charlotte Street, then along Windmill Street, then along Tottenham Court Road. After a while it began to seem probable that if I did not take some violent and decisive action soon I would collapse. I hailed a taxi and told the man to drive to Ealing.

 

 

I stood under the copper beech at the corner of the road. I put my hand on the close – grained trunk of the tree and it felt absurdly there, complacent with indifferent reality. It was evening now, twilight time, the evening of that same lengthy fantastic eventful day.

The evening was overcast, the dour thick light turning a little purple, the air warm and motionless. I could smell dust, as if the quiet tedious streets all around me had dissolved into endless dunes of dust. I thought about this morning and how we had seemed to have all the time in the world. And now there seemed to be no more time. I also thought that if only I had had the wit to take that taxi at once I might have arrived here before Arnold and Rachel. What was happening? I crossed the road and began to walk slowly down on the other side.

At the Baffins’ house lights were on down below, shining from the curtained dining – room window and through the oval stained glass of the front door. There was one lighted window above, also curtained, that of Arnold’s study. Julian’s room was at the back, next to the room where I had seen Rachel lying with the sheet over her face, and where, God forgive me, I had lain too, keeping my shirt on. One day I would tell all this to Julian. One day she would be the just judge who understands and forgives. I did not fear her. And even in those seconds, and even as I wondered with anguish whether I would ever see her again, I lived with her in some angelic timeless world of quiet communication and absolute understanding.

I stood now upon the opposite pavement and regarded the house and wondered what to do. I considered the idea of hanging around until three o’clock in the morning and then penetrating into the garden and using one of Arnold’s ladders to climb up to Julian’s window. But I did not want to become a nightmare figure to her, a night intruder, a secret man. The greatness of this morning had been its lucid openness. This morning I had felt like a cave – dweller emerging into the sun. She was the truth of my life. I would not become a sort of burglar or pickpocket in hers. Besides. There were so many unknown things. What was she thinking now ?

As I stood there in that thick oppressive urban dusk breathing the breath of fear, smelling the dunes of dust, I became aware of being looked at by a figure standing in the long unlighted landing window of the house I was studying. I could see the figure framed in the window and the pallor of the face regarding me. It was Rachel. We looked at each other in an awful immobility of quietness for about a minute. Then I turned away, like an animal from a human stare, and began to pace the pavement, to and fro, to and fro, waiting. The street lamps came on.

After about five minutes Arnold came out. I recognized his figure though I could not see his face. I began to walk back up the road towards the copper beech and he followed, then walked beside me in silence. A close – by lamp post was illuminating one side of the tree, making the leaves a transparent glowing winey purple, and separating them out with clear shadows, each from each. We stepped into the rich gathered darkness underneath the tree, trying to see each other’s faces.

Arnold said, ‘I’m sorry I got so excited.’

‘OK.’

‘Everything’s got much clearer now.’

‘Good.’

‘I’m sorry I said all those ludicrous things – about lawyers and so on.’

‘So ’m I.’

‘I hadn’t realized how little had happened.’

‘Oh.’

‘I mean, I hadn’t got the time scheme. I somehow gathered from what Julian said this afternoon that this whatever it is had been going on for some time. But now I understand it’s only been going on since yesterday evening.’

‘A lot has happened since yesterday evening,’ I said. ‘You should understand, you seem to have been fairly busy lately yourself.’

‘You must have thought Rachel and I were being ridiculously solemn this afternoon about very little.’

‘I see you’re playing it differently now,’ I said.

‘What?’

‘Go on.’

‘Now Julian has explained everything to us and it’s all perfectly clear.’

‘And what does it look like?’

‘Of course she was upset and touched. She felt pity for you, she said.’

‘I don’t believe you. But go on.’

‘And of course she was flattered – ’

‘What’s she doing now?’

‘Now? Lying on her bed and crying her eyes out.’

‘Christ.’

‘But don’t worry about her, Bradley.’

‘Oh, I won’t.’

‘I wanted to explain – She has now told us
everything,
and we can see that this is really nothing at all, just a storm in a teacup, and she agrees.’

‘Does she?’

‘She asks you to forgive her for being so emotional and silly, and she says will you please not try to see her just now.’

‘Arnold, did she really say this?’

‘Yes.’

I gripped him by the shoulders and pulled him with me a few steps so that the lamplight fell on to his face. He reacted convulsively for a moment, then stood still in my hold. ‘Arnold, did she say that?’

‘Yes.’

I let go of him, and we both moved instinctively back into the shadow. His face leered at me, twisted up with will and anxiety and deep intention. It was not the pink angry hostile face of earlier. It was a hard determined face which told me nothing.

‘Bradley, try to be decent here. If you just shut up and clear off for a while this will all simply blow away, and later on you can meet each other again in the old style. This nonsense simply rests on two meetings. You can’t have got permanently attached to each other in two meetings! It’s all a fantasy. Come back into the real world. The fact is Julian’s very embarrassed by this stupid business—’

‘Yes, and it will be most considerate of you to sheer off. Be kind to the child. Let her recover her dignity. Dignity matters so much to a young girl. She feels she’s lost face by taking it all so seriously and she feels she’s made a bit of an exhibition of herself. If you saw her now she’d just giggle and blush and feel sorry for you and ashamed of herself. She sees now it was silly to take it all so seriously and make a drama of it. She admits that she was flattered, it turned her head a bit, and it was an exciting surprise. But when she saw we weren’t amused she sobered up. She understands now that it’s all an impossible nonsense, well, she
understands
, in practical matters she’s an intelligent girl. Do use enough imagination to see how she must feel now! She’s not such a fool as to imagine you’re suffering from any great passion either. She says she’s very sorry and will you please not try to see her for a while yet. It’s better to have a bit of an interval. We’re going on holiday soon anyway, the day after tomorrow, in fact. I’ve decided to take her to Venice. She’s always wanted to go. We’ve been to Rome and Florence, but never there, and she’s got a thing about it. So we’re going to take a flat, probably spend the rest of the summer. Julian’s absolutely thrilled. I think a change of scene would help my book too. So there we are. I’m awfully sorry I got so worked up this afternoon. You must have thought me a solemn idiot. I hope you aren’t angry with me now?’

‘Not at all,’ I said.

‘I’m just trying to act rightly. Well, we all are. Fathers have duties. Please, please try to understand. It’s kindest to Julian to play this quite cool. You will sheer off and keep quiet, please? She won’t want any heavy letters or anything. Leave the kid alone and let her begin to enjoy herself again. You don’t want to haunt her like a ghost, do you? You will leave her alone now, won’t you, Bradley?’

‘All right,’ I said. ‘Yes.’

‘I can rely on you?’

‘I’m not a complete fool, I do see. I was rather solemn as well this afternoon. The whole sort of flare – up took me by surprise and I was damnably upset. But now I see that – it’s probably better for all concerned to play it cool and regard it as a storm in a teacup. All right, all right. Now perhaps I’d better retire and recover my dignity too.’

‘Bradley, you do relieve my mind. I knew you’d act decently, for the child’s sake. Thank you, thank you. God, I’m relieved. I‘ll run back to Rachel. She sends her love, by the way.’

‘Who does?’

‘Rachel.’

‘Give her mine. Good night. I hope you have a good time in Venice.’

He called me back. ‘By the way, you did really destroy that letter?’

‘Yes.’

I made my way home thinking the thoughts which I will describe in the next section. When I got back I found a note from Francis asking me to call on Priscilla.

 

 

 

 

When we try, especially in times of pain and crisis, to penetrate the mystery of another mind, we are inclined to picture it as being, not a shadowy mass of contradictions like our own, but a casket containing entities which are clear – cut and definite but hidden. So at this time it never occurred to me to think of Julian as being in a state of total confusion. About one per cent of my speculations veered towards the idea of her being roughly in the frame of mind depicted by Arnold: rueful, embarrassed, giggling, feeling she had made a silly bloomer. Ninety – nine per cent of my thought favoured another view. Arnold was lying. He was certainly lying about Rachel ‘sending her love’. One sure thing was that I had now earned Rachel’s undying hate. Rachel was not a forgiver. He was lying about Julian too. His account was not even consistent. If she was crying her eyes out she was not, at that moment at any rate, in a giggling mood or feeling thrilled about Venice. And why this frantic haste to leave England? No. There had been no illusion. I loved her and she returned my love. I could as soon doubt the ordinary reports and evidences of my senses as doubt that what that girl had affirmed both last night and with such triumphant certainty this morning was indeed the truth.