The Black & The White (38 page)

• • •

At work, clients called with greater
frequency—not to discuss markets so much as to gossip regarding
David. While on the phone, Andrew had the cunning ability to
convince them to trade with us.

Andrew had insisted that I continue
dating David. “It’s good for business,” he had explained while
sitting on the desk executing a trade.

I looked at him
questioningly.

“
But don’t forget to sleep
with Stephen too.”

“
You’re an asshole,” I said.
Those words had been percolating in my mouth for so long that it
had become inevitable I would say them aloud at some point. Andrew
just smiled and winked. The way he responded was even more
despicable than his words. It was though I had complimented
him.

I realized then that I had taken
Jeffrey for granted. Jeffrey was a stark contrast to
Andrew.

David had called me several times, but
I hadn’t wanted to talk to him. Somehow, I had placed the blame on
David for my lack of communication with Jeffrey.

Stephen was the beneficiary of my
saddness. I spent more time with him as a result of losing Jeffrey.
Stephen had a way of making me forget about Jeffrey while I was
with him.

Anson, Stephen’s best friend, was in
town for an investors conference held at the Waldorf-Astoria. I
hadn’t seen him since our last Vegas trip months earlier. I drank
so much in Vegas that I barely recalled having a conversation
there. Anson had wanted to meet on the earlier side since he had a
morning meeting with management again the next day. I wouldn’t have
thought Anson the responsible type, given his behavior in Vegas.
But as Kim had once suggested, those in Vegas are just holograms of
who they are in real life.

“
Of course we’ll keep it on
the early side! And I know just the place. Can you get us the
reservation though? There’s a long wait list,” I said in a pouty
voice.

Andrew wanted to go, but Stephen
discouraged him. “I’ll bring chicks,” Andrew pleaded, but Stephen
was adamant that he didn’t join us.

“
Bring chicks? How obnoxious
is that?” I said.

“
Chicks bring in dough.
They’re good for business.” Everything for Andrew was good for
business. I was tired of hearing that expression, but happy that
for a moment, Andrew was honest. Honesty, at this point in my life,
was refreshing. Finally, Andrew relented about dinner. Andrew and
Stephen’s relationship was becoming noticeably strained.

Anson, Stephen, Kim, and I had dinner
at a new quaint East Village restaurant. The restaurant had only
six tables, so patrons were seated in two-hour shifts. Stephen was
wearing the collared shirt I had bought him earlier in the week. He
had bragged to everyone that someone special had bought it for him.
I blushed.

Four hours into the meal, we were
still at the restaurant. The owner and chef didn’t give us any
trouble about it. We had eaten for five but drunk wine for ten
people. Anson and Stephen had ordered their best bottles of wine,
as Kim and I had expected. I don’t recall how much the bill was,
nor did I care. Kim paid no heed to the tab either.

Stephen had been flirting with Kim all
through dinner, which made me jealous. I didn’t enjoy his
suggestive comments toward her. I hated the way he looked and the
attention he gave her.

I pretended to ignore Kim and
Stephen’s conversation, and I continued to talk with Anson. I was
laughing at Anson as he ate a fried fish head when Stephen leaned
over to me and whispered, “Baby, you drive me crazy.” He began
rubbing my thigh and I immediately felt confident again. I knew he
wanted me. He had said it. It scared me how much I depended on his
touch.

Anson had asked me about work. “I
heard you were doing well. It’s about time that fucker realized
what he’s got.” Anson patted me on the back. I smiled.

I wanted to talk to Anson about the
losses being incurred in Andrew’s trading book. I was scared that
we had taken the wrong side of the trade if Stephen had the other
side. I wanted to ask Anson’s opinion of what was going on with the
Fed and the markets, but I was afraid that any question I asked
would give away our position. Work had been one continual loss
after another. We were chasing a trade that had no value. We were
recouping losses by trading more, which then caused us to lose more
money. Our losses were now beyond a chance of recouping.

My train of thought was disrupted when
I heard Kim say, “I mean, I’d only kiss her if she’s hot. Kissing a
girl is no big deal right?” She looked at me and winked. She knew I
didn’t want to talk about Natalia. Still, she used what she could
to gain male interest. I could see that now.

Stephen said, “I’ve been fantasizing
about a threesome with the both of you for months.”

That comment made me terribly jealous.
I couldn’t believe Stephen had also thought of Kim. I took
Stephen’s hand off my thigh.

“
There’s nothing wrong with
a fantasy. They both have to be wearing really expensive four-inch
high heels, though,” Anson said.

Kim and I looked at each other. The
way Kim looked at me made me feel awkward. Anson then shoved the
whole fish head to his mouth again and waved it back and forth. We
all chuckled. Restaurant patrons also noticed but were not as
amused.

“
Okay, let’s explore this a
bit,” Anson said, as if he had just been interrupted. “Would you
consider Isabelle cute?” he asked Kim.

Kim smiled. “Yeah, she’s hot.” Kim
blew me a kiss from across the table. I smiled back.

The bill arrived. We all decided that
we should have “one more drink” at the SoHo house. There had been a
premiere of a movie, and the bar was packed with actors and other
rich people. I was worried I might run into David.

The bar at the SoHo house was
U-shaped. The crowds were three people deep. It was hard to get a
drink. People wiggled their way through all the bodies in an effort
to order.

“
Here, come.” Stephen
grabbed me by my hand and led me to the other side of the room,
away from Anson and Kim. From where we were, I could see both Anson
and Kim. But to them, Stephen and I were lost amongst the
crowd.

“
Look at me,” Stephen said
as he lifted my chin and stared into my eyes. “I want to kiss you
now.”

He gently kissed me behind my ears. “I
think you’re incredibly sexy. It was so difficult to restrain
myself at dinner. Baby, I like you a lot.”

I responded, “You’re wonderful.
Spending time with you is the best part of my day.”

Before he had the chance to kiss my
lips, I turned my head and saw Anson walking toward us. Stephen and
I were caught off guard. Quickly, Stephen unwrapped his hands
around my waist.

“
Buddies!” Anson proclaimed.
“I’ve been looking for you guys. Let’s get out of here. Kim knows a
place we can go.”

A Mercedes car service took us to
Lotus. Stephen grabbed Kim’s waist and sat her on his lap. I sat on
Anson’s lap. I shot Stephen a dirty look. How could he once again
say one thing yet act in another way?

Even in the dim light of the car I
could see Stephen’s hand inching its way up Kim’s skirt. They both
acted like nothing was happening, but I watched his hand move
between her legs.

I wanted to get out of the car. I felt
too angry to be inside it. I didn’t know who I was more angry at. I
was convinced Stephen had lied about caring for me the whole night.
His words had been discredited when he fingered Kim in the
backseat. Kim kept talking as though nothing was happening. I felt
like I might cry. I grew tense and quiet.

We entered the club. I thought about
leaving right away but forced myself to stay. I wanted to see what
would happen between them.

Once we were settled, I tapped
Stephen’s hand and gestured that I was heading to the ladies room.
I needed to spray water on my face and cool off.

“
Take me with you baby,”
Stephen said.

“
It’s a solo job,” I said,
coolly, “Please don’t call me baby.”

He grabbed my wrist as I turned away,
but I quickly jerked my hand from his. I found Kim leaving the
ladies room stall, wiping her nose, as I walked in.

“
Hey baby,” she said. I
ignored her and went straight into the bathroom.

I wanted to cry. I did several lines.
I began sobbing into my hands.

The bathroom attendant
stared at me as I splashed water on my face.
What the fuck are you looking at?
I
wanted to say. I was mad at the world.

“
Just get through this,” I
said to myself in the mirror. This was a test of my friendship with
both Kim and Stephen. I needed to see for myself how far they were
willing to go. I was angry but resolved to find out the
truth.

I checked my nose for cocaine residue
before I left the bathroom, dropping my coiled dollar bill into the
attendant’s tip basket.

As I approached the table, I noticed
Kim’s legs wrapped around Stephen’s. One of his hands was under her
skirt and the other caressed her long hair. I had a strange
sensation. I felt numb over the betrayal. I was seeing exactly what
I needed to see.

“
Hi, you guys!” I said as I
approached them, smiling through the pain.

“
Hey, baby! You’re back!”
Kim said as she jumped up into my arms. I was disgusted by her. I
pushed her away, but she was too fucked up to notice. I grabbed a
drink from the table that had already been prepared.

Kim began to dance. I watched as her
purse spilled onto the floor. My initial thought was to kick her
things around the club in a rage, but then I saw her cocaine
bottle. I grabbed it from the floor and put it in my
pocket.

Stephen approached me. “Baby, are you
okay?” he asked. “You’ve been ignoring me the whole
night.”

“
I’m okay,” I
responded.

He hugged me, smiled, and began to
walk off, but I reached for his hand. Every move he made, every
word he said annoyed me. The shirt I had bought him now had her
smell on it. It was the ultimate betrayal.

“
Actually, no, you asshole.
What the fuck was that all about? You tell me that you care, that
you missed me when I was in London and that you just want to be
with me, and here you are fingering my friend? My fucking friend,
Stephen! Are you kidding me?!” I yelled above the music, feeling my
anger linger around my throat. I threw my fist against his
chest.

“
Oh, baby!” Stephen
forcefully grabbed my wrist and hugged me. “I’m sorry. I was just
trying to turn her on so we can have her in bed later, baby.” He
kissed my cheek. “Oh, baby, I don’t like her. I love
you.”

I wasn’t quite sure if I had heard him
correctly. Did he say love?

“
Baby, I would never want to
hurt you. I thought it was what you wanted.”

“
Want what? When did I say
that?”

“
I don’t know, baby. I just
guessed.” Stephen hugged me again. “I’m sorry, baby. Alright, let’s
leave Kim here. Let’s go to another place. I know a perfect
place.”

I agreed. Kim was engrossed talking to
someone she seemed to know. She hadn’t noticed us sneak away. I
knew she wouldn’t care anyway.

Our entrance to the strip club at 2:00
a.m. was greeted by handshakes and pats on the back. Stephen and
Anson were regular patrons at the establishment, and we were
escorted upstairs into a dimly lit private room. Trailing us were
several large bouncers, a host, and a bevy of strippers. As the
door closed, the lap dances began. Stephen and Anson each had a
girl to themselves. I had two. Within minutes, I was kissing one of
them.

The lights went down. I found an empty
bench. Not far from me, I saw a silhouette of a girl’s head at
Stephen’s feet making her way to his waist.

Out of nowhere, a girl approached me.
Immediately, she reached to my breast under my shirt and cupped it
with her hands. She massaged it as she began to kiss my neck before
she slithered her body against mine.

Her moist mouth against my nipples was
warm. Stephen and I had fantasized about the experience of another
woman during sex. While thinking of Stephen, I felt a hand. I
opened my eyes and let another girl take my hand and place it on
her breasts.

As my eyes adjusted, I watched as
Stephen kissed another girl. I wasn’t jealous. She wasn’t Kim, she
was a random body, and I will never know her, I rationalized. I was
wasted. Nothing at that moment was wrong.

Stephen led the girl he was with to
me.

“
Miranda,” she said,
introducing herself.

I smiled. Miranda had long, wavy brown
hair and pale skin. Her eyes were green, although it was hard to
see them in the dark. She walked seductively and had clearly spent
much time at the gym.

The music drowned out any human
noises. Hands came at me from every direction reached to touch
every place on my body. The novelty of the experience was
fascinating. I didn’t feel like myself. I felt more like an actress
onstage, performing.