The Book of Ancient Bastards

THE BOOK OF
Ancient
BASTARDS

101 OF THE
WORST

Miscreants

and
Misdeeds

FROM
ANCIENT SUMER

TO THE
ENLIGHTENMENT

BRIAN THORNTON

For Robyn

Copyright © 2011 by Brian Thornton
All rights reserved.
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by
Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.

www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 10: 1-4405-2488-2
ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-2488-2
eISBN 10: 1-4405-2557-9
eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-2557-5

Printed in the United States of America.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Thornton, Brian
The book of ancient bastards / Brian Thornton.
p. cm.
Includes index.
ISBN-13: 978-1-4405-2488-2
ISBN-10: 1-4405-2488-2
ISBN-13: 978-1-4405-2557-5 (electronic)
ISBN-10: 1-4405-2557-9 (electronic)
1. History, Ancient—Miscellanea. 2. Biography—Miscellanea. 3. Good and evil—History—Miscellanea. 4. Scandals—History—Miscellanea. I. Title.
D62.T47 2011
920.02—dc22
2011006235

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

—From a
Declaration of Principles
jointly adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their product are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.

This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.
For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

I’ve said before that the creation of a book is a collaborative effort. Such was definitely the case with
The Book of Ancient Bastards
. Paula Munier, Director of Innovation at Adams Media, believed in the project from the moment I brought it to her, and supported me every step of the way. My agent Gina Panettieri helped get me a deal and made it a better one. Development Editor Jennifer Lawler was a true professional and the embodiment of “grace under pressure.” Thank you all.

And thanks to colleagues like author Jeri Westerson, who helped with the selection of bastards who occupy the medieval section of the book, and author/editor Heather B. Moore, for her help with the research on King Solomon. Your efforts helped make the book better, and for that, I am deeply grateful.

Lastly and most importantly, thanks to my family: my parents Hal and Berniece, and my brother Paul, for all of their support. And thanks most especially to my wife Robyn. Once again this book is dedicated to you.

INTRODUCTION:

1. SARGON OF AKKAD:

Just Like Moses, Only Bloodier, and Not Egyptian (reigned 2334–2279 B.C.)

2. HAMMURABI THE LAW GIVER

Sometimes Your Really Don’t Want to Lick the Spoon (reigned 1792–1750 B.C.)

3. AKHENATON:

Or How to Get Your Own People to Destroy Every Trace of You After You’re Gone (reigned ca. 1351–1334 B.C.)

4. RAMESSES II:

Or How to Make It Impossible for Your Own People to Forget You After You’re Gone (reigned 1279–1213 B.C.)

5. SENNACHERIB, KING OF ASSYRIA:

If You Can’t Conquer Jerusalem, at Least Brag about All the Little Towns You Destroyed (reigned 705–681 B.C.)

6. KING SOLOMON:

All Those Women, All Those Gods, All That Trouble (ca. 1011–931 B.C.)

7. NABONIDUS:

The Last King of Babylon and His Army of Gods (reigned 556–539 B.C.)

8. DARIUS I, GREAT KING OF PERSIA:

Will the Real Usurper Please Stand Up? (ca. 550–486 B.C.)

9. POLYCRATES, TYRANT OF SAMOS:

Never Arm Your Enemies (reigned ca. 538–522 B.C.)

10. HIPPIAS, TYRANT OF ATHENS:

Just Because You’re a Paranoid Tyrant Doesn’t Mean Someone Isn’t Out to Get You (reigned 527–510 B.C.)

11. ARISTAGORAS, TYRANT OF MILETUS:

Better a Live Rebel Than a Dead Royal Governor (?–497 B.C.)

12. ALCIBIADES OF ATHENS:

Opportunism, Anyone? (ca. 450–404 B.C.)

13. CRITIAS, LEADER OF THE THIRTY ATHENIAN TYRANTS:

Putting the Terror into Tyranny (460–403 B.C.)

14. DIONYSIUS I, TYRANT OF SYRACUSE:

When Philosophers and Tyrants Don’t Mix (ca. 432–367 B.C.)

15. PHILIP II OF MACEDONIA:

Sometimes the Bastard Doesn’t Fall Far from the Tree (382–336 B.C.)

16. ALEXANDER THE GREAT:

Bastard as Exemplar for an Age (356–323 B.C.)

17. OLYMPIAS, QUEEN OF MACEDONIA:

Sometimes the Bastard Doesn’t Fall Far from the Tree, Redux (ca. 375–316 B.C.)

18. PTOLEMY I SOTER:

Sage Old Bastard Who Died in His Bed (ca. 367–ca. 283 B.C.)

19. PTOLEMY KERAUNOS:

The Guy Who Made Oedipus Look Like a Boy Scout (?–279 B.C.)

20. ANTIOCHUS IV EPIPHANES:

Why We “Draw the Line” (ca. 215–164 B.C.)

21. PTOLEMY VIII EURGETES:

What Your Subjects Call You Behind Your Back Is a Lot More Important Than What They Call You to Your Face (ca. 182–116 B.C.)

22. CLEOPATRA THEA:

Poisonous Evil Queen or Just Misunderstood? (ca. 164–121 B.C.)

23. MITHRIDATES VI OF PONTUS:

Gold-Plated Bastard (134–63 B.C.)

24. CLEOPATRA VII, QUEEN OF EGYPT:

Yes, That Cleopatra (69–30 B.C.)

25. LUCIUS TARQUINIUS SUPERBUS, KING OF ROME:

That’s
Superbus
, Not
Superb
(reigned 535–509 B.C.)

26. HANNIBAL OF CARTHAGE:

Elephants and Siege Engines Just the Tip of the Iceberg (248–182 B.C.)

27. GAIUS MARIUS:

The Man Who Killed the Roman Republic (157–86 B.C.)

28. LUCIUS CORNELIUS SULLA FELIX:

With Friends Like These . . . . (ca. 138–78 B.C.)

29. CATILINE AND HIS CONSPIRACY:

A Confederacy of Dunces? (108–62 B.C.)

30. LUCIUS CORNELIUS CINNA:

Lies and the Lying Liar Who Told Them (?–84 B.C.)

31. PUBLIUS CORNELIUS CETHEGUS:

When You Sleep with Someone, You’re Sleeping with Everyone They Slept with, Too (fl. first century B.C.)

32. PUBLIUS CLODIUS PULCHER:

With Friends Like These, Redux (93–53 B.C.)

33. MARCUS LICINIUS CRASSUS DIVES:

How Rich Is Rich Enough? (ca. 115–53 B.C.)

34. GNAEUS POMPEIUS MAGNUS:

If You’re Going to be the “New Alexander,” Better Prepare for a Messy End (106–48 B.C.)

35. MARCUS TULLIUS CICERO:

No Fool Like an Old Fool (106–43 B.C.)

36. GAIUS (LICINIUS?) VERRES:

One Man’s Thief Is Another Man’s Art Connoisseur (ca. 114–43 B.C.)

37. GAIUS JULIUS CAESAR:

The Gold Standard of Bastardry (ca. 100–44 B.C.)

38. MARCUS PORCIUS CATO UTICENSIS:

The Bastard as Tiresome, Humorless Scold (95–46 B.C.)

39. MARCUS JUNIUS BRUTUS:

The Noblest Roman Tax Farmer of Them All (85–42 B.C.)

40. GAIUS CASSIUS LONGINUS:

“Lean and Hungry” Bastard (ca. 85–42 B.C.)

41. MARCUS ANTONIUS:

Dandy, Playboy, Ruthless Bastard (ca. 86–30 B.C.)

42. GAIUS JULIUS CAESAR OCTAVIANUS (AUGUSTUS):

Sage Old Bastard Who Died in Bed, Redux (63 B.C.– A.D. 14)

43. LIVIA DRUSILLA:

Stage Mother for an Empire (58 B.C.– A.D. 29)

44. TIBERIUS CAESAR AUGUSTUS:

Bastard as the Grumpy Old Man Who Lives on Your Street (42 B.C.– A.D. 37)

45. LUCIUS AELIUS SEJANUS:

Clearing the Way for a Monster (20 B.C.– A.D. 31)

46. CALIGULA:

You Call That Nag a Roman Consul? (A.D. 12–41)

47. CLAUDIUS:

When Is a Consul Like a Stone? (10 B.C.–A.D. 54)

48. NERO:

Actor, Singer, Poet, Athlete, Matricidal Mamma’s Boy (A.D. 37–68) . .114

49. SERVIUS SULPICIUS GALBA:

How Being Too Cheap to Pay Off Your Promised Bribes Can Be a Bad Idea (3 B.C.– A.D. 68)

50. MARCUS SALVIUS OTHO:

The Emperor as Scheming Pretty Boy (A.D. 32–69)

51. AULUS VITELLIUS:

The Fat Bastard Who Tried to Sell His Throne (A.D. 12–69)

52. DOMITIAN:

No Bald Jokes! (?–84 B.C.)

53. COMMODUS:

The Emperor as Hercules (A.D. 161–192)

54. DIDIUS JULIANUS:

The Man Who Bought the Roman Empire (A.D. 133–193)

55. SEPTIMIUS SEVERUS:

The Emperor Who Gave Us the Word “Severe” (A.D. 145–211)

56. CARACALLA:

Don’t Drop Your Guard Along with Your Trousers (A.D. 188–217)

57. ELAGABALUS:

The Emperor and His Big Stone God (A.D. 203–222)

58. CARINUS:

How Screwing Your Employees’ Wives Can Cost Ya! (ca. A.D. 250–285)

59. DIOCLETIAN:

The Best Place to Be Standing When Lightning Strikes Your Boss (A.D. 245–311)

60. CONSTANTINE THE GREAT:

The Next Best Thing to Being God (A.D. 272–337)

61. CONSTANTIUS II:

The Emperor as Paranoid Plodder (A.D. 317–361)

62. JUSTINIAN I:

When Nike Is More Than Just the Name of a Shoe (A.D. 483–565)

63. CHARLEMAGNE:

Literal Bastard, Figurative Bastard (A.D. 742–814)

64. EMPRESS IRENE OF BYZANTIUM:

Sometimes a Boy’s Best Friend Is His Mother. This Isn’t One of Those Times (ca. A.D. 752–803)

65. POPE STEPHEN VI:

Even Death Can’t Stop Justice (A.D. ?–897)

66. BASIL I “THE MACEDONIAN” OF BYZANTIUM:

Why Trusting Your Life to an Assassin Probably Isn’t a Good Idea (ca. A.D. 830–886)

67. BASIL II OF BYZANTIUM:

What It Takes to Earn the Title of “Bulgar Slayer” (A.D. 958–1025)

68. EADWIG OF ENGLAND:

Screwing His Kingdom Away (A.D. 941?–949)

69. POPE BENEDICT IX:

The Man Who Sold the Papacy (ca. A.D. 1012–ca. 1056)

70. WILLIAM I THE CONQUEROR:

Sounds Better Than “William the Bastard” (ca. A.D. 1028–1087)

71. ODO OF BAYEUX:

When Your Vows Forbid You to Shed Blood, Use a Big, Heavy Club Instead (ca. A.D. 1030–1097)

72. HENRY IV OF GERMANY:

How Much Penance Can One King Do? (A.D. 1050–1106)

73. WILLIAM II OF ENGLAND:

Red-Headed Bachelor Bastard (ca. A.D. 1056–1100)

74. ENRICO DANDOLO OF VENICE:

The Man Who Hijacked the Fourth Crusade (A.D. 1107?–1205):

75. HENRY II OF ENGLAND:

Putting the “Devil” Into “Devil’s Brood” (A.D. 1133–1189)

76. ELEANOR OF AQUITAINE:

Brood Mare to the Devil’s Brood (A.D. 1122–1204)

77. HENRY THE YOUNG KING OF ENGLAND:

Who Wants to Rule When There’s Jousting to Be Done? (A.D. 1155–1183)

78. RICHARD I THE LION-HEARTED:

A Talent for War (A.D. 1157–1199)

79. POPE INNOCENT III:

Don’t Let the Name Fool Ya (ca. A.D. 1160–1216)

80. GEOFFREY II OF BRITTANY:

“That Son of Perdition” (A.D. 1158–1186)

81. JOHN I OF ENGLAND:

Short, Miserly, and Mean (A.D. 1167–1216)

82. PHILIP II AUGUSTUS OF FRANCE:

Cowardly, Duplicitous, and Effective (A.D. 1165–1223)

83. OTTO IV OF GERMANY:

Stupid Is as Stupid Does (A.D. 1165–1223)

84. HENRY III OF ENGLAND:

A Saintly King with Locusts for Relatives (A.D. 1207–1272)

85. EDWARD I OF ENGLAND:

When the Only Tool You Have Is a Hammer, Use It on the Scots (A.D. 1239–1307)

86. PHILIP IV THE FAIR OF FRANCE:

Don’t Let the Name Fool Ya, Redux (A.D. 1268–1314)

87. POPE CLEMENT V:

The Man Who Hijacked the Papacy (A.D. 1264–1314)

88. KING EDWARD II OF ENGLAND:

Giving Away the Kingdom to His Boyfriends (A.D. 1284–1327)

89. ROGER MORTIMER, EARL OF MARCH:

Screwing the Queen Doesn’t Make You King (A.D. 1287–1330)

90. PEDRO THE CRUEL OF CASTILE:

The Nickname Says It All (A.D. 1334–1369)

91. BERNABÒ VISCONTI, LORD OF MILAN:

Why Let Brotherhood Stand in the Way of Your Territorial Ambitions? (A.D. 1323–1385)

92. CHARLES THE BAD, KING OF NAVARRE:

The Nickname Says It All, Redux (A.D. 1332–1387)

93. POPE URBAN VI:

Crazy Like a Pope (ca. A.D. 1318–1389)

94. HENRY IV OF ENGLAND:

Why You Should Be Nice to Your Relatives (A.D. 1366–1413)

95. HENRY V OF ENGLAND:

Don’t Let That Frat-Boy Act Fool Ya (A.D. 1387–1422)

96. TOMAS DE TORQUEMADA:

Grand Inquisitor, Closet Jew (A.D. 1420–1498)

97. LOUIS XI OF FRANCE:

The Spider King (A.D. 1423–1483)

98. POPE ALEXANDER VI:

Chastity, Schmastity, I’m the Pope and My Son’s Gonna Be a Cardinal (A.D. 1431–1503)

99. RICHARD III OF ENGLAND:

Hunchback? No. Child-Killer? Probably (A.D. 1452–1485)

100. HENRY VII OF ENGLAND:

The Cheap Bastard’s Guide to Solidifying Your Hold on Power (A.D. 1457–1509)

101. HENRY VIII OF ENGLAND:

Where to Begin? (A.D. 1491–1547)

Index