The Book of Daniel (10 page)

“I’m free day after tomorrow for an early dinner.”

“All right.” I felt happier than he looked. “Yeah. Okay. I’ll meet you, all right?”

He nodded. When I was once again on his silly sisal mat I turned to him, but he was closed to me, as distant as he’d ever been.

“You’re a good brother.” I think he said that as a way of softening things between us. The door closed and clicked shut, but I put my hand on the wood as if by doing that I could keep us connected somehow.

I wanted to be more than a good brother. I wanted to be a good man…

It’s odd how you never know what form a karmic correction will take. I headed for home and the rest of the bottle of vodka in my freezer. After that, I slept fitfully and woke several times in the darkness, sick and confused.

Chapter Nine

When I met Cam for dinner at Nacho’s Bar, I tried not to
look
like I’d spent all of the previous day obsessing about how I looked. I’d ended up wearing a soft black sweater and jeans, with an expensive leather jacket, which made me look more like a member of Mossad than a guy who buys and sells apartment buildings. From the way Cam’s eyes widened when he caught sight of me, it was worth it. A tiny bubble of nervous laughter escaped me to ruin the moment, and he shrugged.

After I found us a table in the corner where we could still hear ourselves talk over the sound of Cooper’s violin, I saw Izzie and her police officer boyfriend, Andy. That night Izzie was a fashion plate in a sweater and microscopically short, slim skirt that hugged her bodybuilder figure and revealed legs any runway model would kill for. A halo of pale blonde hair stood in stark contrast against her spray-tan skin as she tottered toward us on towering stiletto heels, pulling the stalwart Andy across the bar. I couldn’t help remembering what she’d said about me being a blank slate. Next to her a lot of people probably seemed blank.

“Evening, Cam.” Andy stuck his hand out. Cam rose and pulled him in for a hug.

“Evening.” Cam nodded. Something passed between them—two guys on the job acknowledging the aftermath of tragedy rather than a simple greeting—the taciturn but sincere connection I’d gotten glimpses of from hanging around JT and Cam at the firehouse.

There was no help for it; I invited them to join us.

“Just for a minute,” Izzie said, glancing at Andy. “I want my guy all to myself for dinner.”

Izzie was such a big, powerful woman, those words conjured the image of her devouring him. He gazed at her with rapt adoration, and despite my snobbery, I had to like them.

Izzie got right to the point. “You need to see Minerva.”

“I’ve seen her. She writes things on the sidewalk of my house when she thinks I’m not looking, then hides behind the trees.”

“So she tells me.” Izzie grinned. “She can take a little getting used to.”

Andy nudged her.

I said, “I think she hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you.” Izzie picked up her drink. “She didn’t know you. And we all want to know what your intentions are toward St. Nacho’s.”

“I don’t have any. I hadn’t even heard of St. Nacho’s before my brother wound up here.”

Cam smiled. “Yasha loved it here from the beginning.”

“You mean he loved JT.”

“He loved both.”

Izzie leaned forward. “Minerva floats some theory that St. Nacho’s is a seat of awesome cosmic power and she talks a lot about Native American folklore, but I think once you stop here, moving on doesn’t feel like such a great idea. St. Nacho’s wraps itself around you, and it doesn’t let go.”

“Maybe,” I said. “It doesn’t seem to have the same effect on me, though.”

“You did a lot of poking around when you first came here,” Izzie pointed out. She cocked her head to the side and watched me in a funny, dissecting way that made me feel both transparent and on fire at the same time. “You were doing market studies, reviewing traffic patterns and sales.”

“That’s because my brother was looking to start a business here.”

“But how are we to know it isn’t about buying up everything and putting in a big-box store?”

“You have a big-box store just down the highway next to the community college. And for the record, I’m not in the big-box store business.”

“I know that. Minerva can be a little protective. She’s taken it upon herself to be St. Nacho’s spiritual guardian.”

“She has nothing to fear from me.”

“That’s good to know. We’re awfully glad to have Yasha around, even though it’s not doing my ass any favors. That boy’s raspberry tarts call me out of a sound sleep. Add Miss Independence Pies to that, and I need my gym more than anyone else in town does.”

“Mary Catherine is expanding into new markets, so Miss Independence taking on the second enterprise hasn’t been too much for St. Nacho’s even in this economy. That’s what I hoped when I was getting a feel for the place. Contrary to popular belief, I wasn’t planning a hostile takeover of your little town.”

By this time, the way Izzie studied me had started to get damned uncomfortable.

“Most people who show up here take one look around and want to stay,” Cam said tightly.

Minerva nodded. “I guess at first we assumed you’d feel the same way. Given your history, we figured you’d have big plans. Minerva didn’t believe you’d be satisfied with the status quo in a sleepy little town like ours.”

The waiter put our pitcher of beer on the table between us and offered four glasses. Andy and Izzie declined the beer but didn’t leave.

Izzie continued to look at me like I was a bomb she needed to defuse. “Plus, I can’t read you at all, which never, ever happens to me.”

“I wouldn’t worry about that. I’m sure it happens to everyone, sometimes.”

“Not to me.”

I was about to make some crack about psychic Viagra, when Cam handed me a beer and asked her, “What do you see when you look at me?”

“Oh, darling, you are a sight for sore eyes. You’re sunny yellow even when it’s pouring rain, and your heart chakra is like an explosion of green palm fronds with pink tips.”

Cam blushed. “Is that good?”

“When have you ever not been good, you big fire muffin. Gimme some sugar.” Izzie rose and kissed him on the forehead. She was a little rough, but Cam was obviously pleased. “I’ll let you two get on with your dinner.”

“Thanks.” Cam grinned up at her. “See you tomorrow at the gym.”

“Sure, baby.” She turned back to me. “You missed your appointment with Jordan today, so he’ll be expecting you to call and reschedule. Maybe you should think about annual membership now that it looks like you’ll be staying around.”

“Who said I’ll be staying around?”

Beside me, I heard Cam’s intake of breath.

Izzie’s tone cooled. She glanced from me to Cam and back again. “Why wouldn’t you?”

It wasn’t enough that my mind went blank. My mouth hung open as I waited for something brilliant to occur to me. Three pairs of eyes watched me while I tried to come up with something both truthful and tactful.

“I haven’t exactly planned that far ahead.”

“I see.” Izzie’s lips thinned, but before she could say anything, Andy took her arm and tugged.

“I can see we’ve interrupted your evening out. We’ll let you get back to it.” He led her away. I watched them go, wondering if I dared to look at Cam.

When I finally turned to him he was sipping his beer. “Cam…” I began, but he forestalled me.

“I know St. Nacho’s isn’t exactly your kind of place.” His expression was closed again; he might as well have been a stranger.

“It’s not that. I don’t know what kind of a place is ‘my place’. I just don’t—”

“It’s all right.” Cam sighed and reached over to put his hand on mine. I realized my right hand had been jerking, reflexively trying to squeeze my fork/knife/napkin setup. “Relax.”

I let out the breath I was holding. “Thank you.”

“Most people who come here want to stay. If that’s not the case with you, if you don’t see yourself here, it’s best for everyone if you move on.”

“Are you telling me to go now? Before we start something?”

Cam shrugged. “I’m just saying you shouldn’t feel you have to stay—not just because you like the people, or because your brother wants to live here. St. Nacho’s isn’t a place you settle for. It’s a place you choose.”

I nodded. I understood, theoretically, how a man could come here and want to stay. I could see that Jake was growing roots here. That he was forming a new family—something he’d believed he’d never have. I knew how much it meant to him to finally have a place he could call home.

But despite the undeniable beauty of St. Nacho’s, despite the peace and comfort it offered, it was something I couldn’t relate to. As soon as that sense of place stole over me I grew restless, almost achy, and I felt the need to get back on the highway.

“I don’t know what I want,” I said carefully.

Cam’s lips curved in a faint, rueful smile. “Then it makes sense to find out, doesn’t it?”

I nodded.

When the waiter brought us our food, we settled into a companionable silence. I managed to cut my carne asada—the marinated steak typically served with flour tortillas and the usual sides, beans, rice, pico de gallo and guacamole. One thing about Nacho’s bar: the spicy food was plentiful. Plus, they made the tortillas by hand and served them piping hot in baskets that kept them that way.

A word from Cam and the waiter brought a fiery, hotter salsa with a smoky bite that was perfect for rolling up with the meat into delicious and filling soft tacos. Our second pitcher of beer was going straight to my fingers and toes, relaxing each molecule along the way. I was content, but I could swear Cam glowed only half as brightly. Izzie would say his sunny yellow had lost its shimmer and that his pink-tipped palm fronds had grayed a little at the edges. Once again, my heart hurt to see a dimly lit Cam Rooney.

“Next weekend I’m planning to meet my business partner, Al, and his family in Pismo. His girls are horse crazy, and I found a place where they can ride on the beach.”

“Yeah?” Cam glanced up from his plate. “I ride horses.”

“Do you have a day off? If you have Friday night and Saturday, we can make a big deal of it. I’ll find us a nice place to stay. If not, we can just head down for the day.”

“I have Friday and Saturday off. I’d love to go.”

“All right. We can head out Friday, and I’ll see if they can join us Saturday morning. Can you be ready to leave around noon?”

Cam nodded. His eyes had taken on a faraway look from the moment I mentioned horses. It was possible the key to Cam’s heart was through the animal kingdom. I decided I had to investigate that; I’d start with
the clue of the deluded firehouse cat.

“Is there anything else you like to do? Golf? ATVs?”

“
Golf
.” He laughed as though I’d made a joke. “Do I look like a golfer to you?”

“I can’t golf anymore anyway.” I said, forgetting that I’d wanted to see him smile.

“You will.” He was resolute. “I’m sure if you want to golf again, you’ll find a way.”

I felt better than I had since dinner arrived. “Thanks Cam.”

“For what?”

“For being a nice guy. For being the kind of guy who always makes people around you feel better.” He smiled and took a sip of his beer, and I went for broke. “So…should I get two hotel rooms for Friday?”

He shook his head. It was the minutest, most tentative
no.

“Are you sure?”

Again, he signaled with a brief, embarrassed nod. “One hotel room is fine. One bed.” He glanced away. It was odd that it embarrassed him, considering we’d known each other for a while—we might even be considered friends—and I’d watched him get a blowjob from a stranger.

He ate the last few bites of his taco in silence. Its filling oozed out onto his fingertips—salsa and sour cream—which he licked off without taking his gaze from mine. His blue eyes glowed like the heart of a flame as the tip of his pink tongue snaked out to swipe over his full lower lip.
Fuck
, he was hot.

“I want to see if I can tie your dick in a knot with my tongue like a cherry stem.”

“
Shit
.” Cam dropped his taco, which had somehow imploded, onto his plate. “I have to head to the station right after dinner because I’m working a double shift starting tonight. I promised one of the guys I’d come as soon as I ate.”

I nodded. “Rain check?”

“Hell yes.” Cam happily scooped the rest of his food up on chips. His demeanor had changed again. He’d gone from happy, to subdued, to happy again in the space of a meal, and ah, damn. I just needed that. I
needed
to see him smile.

At least when I was irritating the shit out of Cam, he didn’t seem sad. I’d growled at him, taken potshots, treated him like a rube or whatever, and he’d given as good as he’d got from me. But ever since the fire he’d been vulnerable to even that, diminished somehow or damaged—- as fragile as my hand. I couldn’t stop myself from doing everything in my power to protect him.

My gut argued caution. I told myself to watch out. I didn’t want to find myself tied back down to someone and inevitably worrying about what he was thinking or how he was feeling. I didn’t want to have to change my behavior at every turn based on what some guy thought of me.

I had to tell myself that Cam wasn’t my dad, who was unstable and impossible to make happy, or my mom, whose happiness depended on my living a lie. He wasn’t Bree, who constantly required me to adjust to an ever-changing array of rules, rituals, and magical thinking.

It occurred to me then what a chameleon I had turned out to be.

Well.
That
bore looking into. No wonder I’d become an adept obfuscator.

I frowned.

Cam had apparently been watching me. “What is it?”

“Nothing.” St. Nacho’s felt itchy again. It was closing in on me, I was sinking in it; it covered me like so much beach sand and swallowed me up. “Maybe I’ll head up to the office for the next few days. There are a million little things I know Al wishes I would see to, but he’s been trying to cut me some slack. It’s not fair to expect him to do everything without me.”