The Book of Fate (39 page)

‘So, what's your point? You have kept me awake so that I can say thank you? Fine, thank you. Madam, you are remarkable.'

‘Don't act like a spoiled child,' I snapped. ‘I don't want your thanks. I want to say that I am no longer a seventeen-year-old girl to worship your heroisms and be content with them. And you are no longer a strong and healthy thirty-year-old man who can fight and struggle the way you used to. You said if the Shah's regime falls, if the revolution triumphs, and if the people get what they want, you will go back to a normal life and we will quietly and happily raise our children together. Think about them. They need you. Stop all this. I don't have the patience and the strength for it any more. Your main goal has been achieved and you have performed your duty towards your ideals and your country; leave the rest for those who are younger.

‘For once in your life, put your children first. The boys need a father. I can't fill your place in their lives any more. Do you remember the month we spent on the Caspian coast? Do you remember how happy and lively they were? Do you remember how they talked and shared everything with you? Now, I have no idea what Siamak is up to and who his friends are. He is in his adolescent years; it is a dangerous and difficult age. You have to spend time with him and keep an eye on him. Besides, we have to plan for their future. Their expenses are increasing every day and with this inflation I cannot shoulder the responsibility alone. Do you even know how we have managed to live this past year with me on leave without pay? Believe me, even the pittance I had saved for a rainy day is gone. How long does your old father have to support us?'

‘The money he gives to you every month is my salary,' Hamid retorted.

‘What salary? Why are you fooling yourself? How much do you think the printing house makes for it to want to pay an idle guy who never shows up at work?'

‘So what is your problem?' he asked. ‘You need more money? I will tell them to increase my salary. Then will you be satisfied?'

‘Why can't you understand what I'm saying? Of everything I've said, you heard only the bit about money?'

‘The rest was all nonsense,' he said. ‘Your problem is that you don't have any ideals in life. Doesn't serving the people have any place in your materialistic mind?'

‘Don't start with your slogans,' I said. ‘If you are really concerned for the nation and the needy people, then let's go to the far-flung corners of the country and become teachers, work for the people and teach them something; let's buy a piece of land and become farmers and grow food, or do anything else that you consider to be service to the people. Even if we have no income, I will never complain. I just want us to be together. I want my children to have a father. I swear I will live wherever you want. I just want us to get away from this battle of nerves, this constant fear and anxiety. Please, for once in your life make a decision for the sake of your family and your children.'

‘Are you done?' he said angrily. ‘Are you really that simple-minded and fanciful? Do you really think that after all the training, all the suffering, all the years in prison, just now that we are so close to our goal I will hand everything over to these people and move to some godforsaken corner of the country and plant beans with four and half peasants? My mission is to institute a democratic government. Who said the revolution has triumphed? We still have a long way to go. My duty is for all nations to be free. When are you going to understand this?'

‘Tell me, what is a democratic government?' I asked. ‘Isn't it a government elected by the people? Well, the people have done just that; except that you, sir, will not accept the fact that the people, the ones you have been beating your chest for, have voted for an Islamic government. Now, who exactly do you want to go to war with?'

‘Come on… what vote? They took the votes from uninformed, revolution-crazy people who didn't know what trap they were falling into.'

‘Whether they knew or not, they elected this government and they have not withdrawn their vote or their support. You are neither their advocate nor their representative and you must respect their choice even if it is contrary to your beliefs.'

‘Meaning I should sit idly by and wait for everything to be destroyed?' he said. ‘I am a political thinker, I know the correct way to govern, and now that the foundation is ready, we must finish what we started. And to this end, I will not turn away from any fight or struggle.'

‘Fight? Fight with whom? There is no Shah. You want to fight against the republican government? Fine, do it. Announce your plans and four years from now put them to the vote. If your way is the right way, the people will certainly vote for you.'

‘Come on, don't fool yourself. It's not as if the Islamists would allow it. And exactly what people are you referring to? The people who are predominantly illiterate and in fear of God and the Prophet offer everything they own to the religious fanatics?'

‘Literate or illiterate, these are the people and this is what they have voted for,' I repeated. ‘But you want to impose your own style of government on them.'

‘Yes! If necessary, I will do that, too. And when the people realise what is to their benefit and who is working for their greater good, they will side with us.'

‘And what about those who don't side with you, those who have different beliefs?' I asked. ‘Right now, there are hundreds of political groups and factions in this country and they all believe they are right and they are not likely to accept your style of government. What will you do with them?'

‘It is only the malevolent and the traitors who do not think about the good of the people and oppose it. They must be removed.'

‘Meaning, you would execute them?'

‘Yes, if necessary.'

‘Well, the Shah did that. Why did you all shout that it was tyranny? What a fool I was to think so highly of you and to have such high hopes for you! Little did I know that after all that fighting for the people and love of the nation and preaching about human rights, the gentleman wants to become an executioner! You are so mired in your own fantasies that you actually believe the religious fanatics will sit quietly by and wait for you to take up arms, start another revolution and mass-murder all of them. Of all empty dreams! They will kill you! They will not repeat the Shah's mistake. And with what you have in mind, they would actually be in the right.'

‘This itself exemplifies their fascist tendencies,' Hamid argued. ‘And that is why we must be armed and strong.'

‘You are not short of fascist tendencies yourself,' I snapped. ‘Even if the impossible happens and your organisation takes over the government, if you don't massacre more people than them, you certainly won't massacre any fewer.'

‘That's enough!' he shouted. ‘You never had the brains for revolution.'

‘No, I didn't and I don't. All I want is to protect my family.'

‘You are utterly self-absorbed and egotistical.'

Arguing with Hamid was useless. We had come full circle and returned to where we were years earlier. Everything was starting all over again, but this time I was tired and fed up, and he was more brash and fearless. I struggled with myself for several days. When I thought about my life and my future, I concluded that pinning my hopes on him was stupid and futile. I had to count only on myself; otherwise, I would not be able to manage our lives.

I decided to forgo the remainder of my leave from work and Mrs Parvin agreed to come to the house every day and take care of Shirin.

 

Mr Zargar was surprised to see me back at work.

‘Would it not have been better if you had stayed with your daughter until the end of your leave and until things calmed down a little?' he asked.

‘Don't you need me any more? Or has something happened that I am not aware of?' I said.

‘No, nothing special has happened and we always need you. It's just that the issue of women having to wear headscarves and the purges have created some unrest.'

‘That is not important for me. I have lived most of my life wearing headscarves and chadors.'

The day had not yet ended when I fully grasped the meaning of Mr Zargar's words. The free and open atmosphere of the early days of the revolution had disappeared. Like everywhere else, the employees had formed different groups and every group was in conflict with another one. Some of my co-workers tried to distance themselves from me. Every time I entered a room, conversations would abruptly end or for no apparent reason someone would make a snide remark. In contrast, others would try to secretly engage me in conversation and, as if I were the leader of all leftist factions, requested all sorts of information. The Revolution Committee of which I was the first elected member had been dismantled and other committees had formed. The most important of these was the Eradication Committee, which apparently held everyone's destiny in its hands.

‘Didn't they identify and dismiss the SAVAK agents last year?' I asked Mr Zargar. ‘Then why are they holding so many meetings and spreading so many rumours?'

Mr Zargar laughed bitterly and said, ‘After you have been here a few days, you will understand. People we have known for years have overnight become ardent Muslims. They have grown beards, carry their prayer beads all day, constantly recite prayers and are out to settle a few scores, dismiss a few people and profit from what they can take. You can no longer tell apart these opportunists from the revolutionaries. I think they are far more dangerous for the revolution than people who openly object and stand in opposition. By the way, make sure to go to the noon prayers, otherwise you'll be done for.'

‘You know I am a religious person and I have never stopped praying,' I said. ‘But praying in this agency, where even its premises have been unlawfully expropriated, and praying in front of these people just to prove that I am pious is something I won't do. I have never been able to worship in a crowd and in front of others.'

‘Put all this talk aside,' Mr Zargar warned. ‘You must go to noon prayers. A whole lot of people are waiting to see you pray.'

Every day the list of people who were to be purged from the agency was posted on the bulletin board. And daily, with dread in our hearts, we stared at that board that would determine our destinies and sighed with relief when we didn't see our name on it, considering that to be a good day.

The day war broke out between Iran and Iraq, we heard the noise of the bombing and ran to the rooftop. No one knew what had happened. Some said it was an attack by the anti-revolutionaries, others believed it was a
coup d'état
. I was worried about the children and hurried home.

From that day on, the conflict became yet another complication of life. The nightly blackouts, the various shortages, the scarcity of oil and other fuels just as the weather was turning cold and when I had an infant at home, and, worse yet, the nightmarish images of war I had in my head, all weakened my morale.

I covered the window in the children's room with black fabric and at night, when the electricity was cut and there were sporadic air raids, we sat by candlelight and listened with horror to the sounds coming from outside. Hamid's presence would have been a great comfort, but just as he had never been with us at critical times, this time too he was absent. I didn't know where he was, but I no longer had the energy to fear for him.

 

The shortage and rationing of petrol completely disrupted public transportation. Oftentimes, Mrs Parvin had difficulty finding a taxi or a bus to come to our house in the morning and had to walk part of the way.

One day she was late and I arrived at work later than usual. As soon as I walked into the building, I realised something unusual had happened. The guard at the door turned away from me. He not only didn't greet me, he didn't answer when I said hello to him. A few of the agency's drivers who were sitting in the guardroom peeked out and stared at me. As I walked down the hallway, everyone who passed by me quickly looked away and pretended they hadn't seen me. I walked into my office and froze. The room had been ransacked. The contents of all the drawers had been emptied out on my desk and there was paper scattered everywhere. My knees started to shake. Fear, anger and humiliation were burning my insides.

Mr Zargar's voice brought me back to reality. ‘Excuse me, Mrs Sadeghi,' he said. ‘Would you please come to my office?'

Silent and stunned, I followed him like a robot. He invited me to sit. I fell into a chair. He spoke for a while, but I didn't hear a word he said. Then he handed me a letter. I took it from him and asked what it was.

‘It is from the central office's Eradication Committee,' he said. ‘I thought… it says you have been dismissed…'

I stared at him. Unshed tears were burning my eyes and a thousand thoughts were rushing through my mind.

‘Why?' I asked in a choked voice.

‘You have been accused of having communist leanings and of promoting and being affiliated with anti-revolution groups.'

‘But I have no political leanings and I have not promoted any group! I was on leave for almost a year.'

‘Well, because of your husband…'

‘But what do his actions have to do with me? I have said a thousand times that I don't share his beliefs. I should not be blamed for his offences.'

‘That is true,' Mr Zargar said. ‘Of course, you can always dispute the charges. But they claim to have proof and several people have testified.'

‘What proof? What have people testified to? What have I done?'

‘They say in February 1979 you brought your husband to the office to publicise his communist ideology, that you organised a question and answer session, and distributed anti-revolution newspapers.'

‘But he had only come to pick me up. The guys dragged him in by force!'