The Bucket List to Mend a Broken Heart (12 page)

‘If I hadn’t been behind you, you wouldn’t have
been turning round to talk to me and you’d have been looking where you were going. And is that what you really think – that this is a life-and-death situation? Here in a car park with no cars and barely any obstacles?’

I can see the dimple making an appearance.

‘I know I sound ridiculous,’ I say, sipping my tea.

‘I don’t get what you’re so scared of. You’ve got the fundamentals down, but something’s
holding you back.’

‘Fear,’ I say more to my drink than Ben.

‘Of what?’

‘Of falling. Of going so fast that I can’t stop.’

‘It’s funny, but that’s usually what gives me a buzz. When I’m mountain biking down big slopes, it’s that fear that gives me the rush. You know that heady adrenaline that makes you feel a bit sick and like you want to wee, but at the same time you want to do it again as
soon as you stop. Do you know?’

I shake my head. I don’t know.

‘To be honest, I usually stop anything before I get to that stage.’

‘Then, Abi, you’re missing out. Perhaps after we do the Isle of Wight, you’ll come mountain biking with me and Tammy.’

I splutter a laugh that causes my hand to judder, splashing tea down my leg.

I don’t know what’s more unlikely, me voluntarily mountain biking
or getting on a bike in front of Tammy, the pro-cycler. It’s one thing to make a fool of myself in front of someone like Ben, who clearly doesn’t have a judgemental bone in his body – but Tammy’s a different kettle of fish all together.

‘Me, mountain biking? I think I’d rather do the abseil down the Spinnaker than voluntarily biking off-road and down a hill.’

‘Giles told me last week that you’d
all decided to do it as a work thing.’

I think back to the team meeting with Rick and Linz, and I still don’t know how I’m going to get out of it.

A cool breeze blows over us, and Ben pulls down the sleeves of his hoodie.

‘Yeah, he suggested it.’ A chill runs over my body, and it’s got nothing to do with the wind.

He looks at me for a minute and opens his mouth to say something, but seems
to change his mind.

‘What?’ I say.

He wrinkles his brow as if something’s weighing heavily on his mind.

‘It’s just I don’t get you. If it terrifies you so much, why did you put it on your list? Bucket lists are supposed to be about doing things you’ve always dreamt about, not torturing yourself.’

I wish someone had told that to Joseph.

‘I thought I’d challenge myself,’ I say weakly. I’ve
rehearsed these stock answers in case Sian interrogates me.

‘I’m sure there are plenty of ways that you could have challenged yourself which wouldn’t make you look like you’re about to have a heart attack whenever a task is mentioned. I mean, it’s like this riding a bike round the Isle of Wight – it doesn’t seem like the type of thing you’d naturally want to do.’

I shrug my shoulders and concentrate
on my tea.

‘Are you sure you’ve given this list proper thought?’

I hug my near-empty cup of tea into my chest. I seem to have thought of little else since I found Joseph’s piece of paper.

‘Uh-huh,’ I say, not even convincing myself.

‘I mean, why don’t you change it? It’s your list. It’s not going to matter if you stick to things you’ll enjoy.’

‘
I’m trying to get over a break-up and I have
to do this list.’

‘No you don’t,’ says Ben, scratching his head. ‘There are plenty of other ways to mend a broken heart, and doing some list full of stuff that you don’t want to do doesn’t have to be one of them.’

‘But how else will I get Joseph back?’

I’ve blurted it out before I realise what I’ve said.

‘Get Joseph back?’ repeats Ben.

I scrunch my eyes up, too embarrassed to look at him.

‘You’re trying to get your ex back by doing tasks that scare you?’

I finally open my eyes and see that Ben’s turned his head and is looking straight at me, studying my face. I turn to meet his gaze and I know that I’m hiding nothing in my eyes.

‘It’s pathetic, I know,’ I say, sighing.

People seem to accept the bucket list when they think it’s to get over someone. I knew it would be different
if anyone found out it was a plan to get someone back.

‘Abi, is it his list that you’re doing?’

I nod my head slowly and shut my eyes.

Ben whistles through his teeth. ‘And suddenly it all makes sense. I couldn’t understand why you’d be putting yourself through all these things that terrified you. Is there anything on the list that you actually want to do?’

‘Tea at the Ritz, going to Paris
and the wine tasting sound all right. And I’m looking forward to the Spanish lessons that I’m starting next week.’

Even if listening to Shakira’s Spanish songs has done nothing to improve my language skills.

‘But let me guess, the four peaks hiking, the cycling and the abseiling wouldn’t have made your own list?’

‘Or the windsurfing,’ I say, my whole body shivering at the thought of the sea.

I’m expecting a lecture. It’s what Sian would do. First she’d be mad at me for lying to her and passing the list off as my own. Then she’d be pissed off that I was trying to change myself for a man.

I tense my muscles, waiting for a full-on assault about my stupidity, but instead Ben laughs.

‘What?’ It’s not funny. Sad, pathetic, maybe, but not laugh-out-loud funny.

He smiles at me, and shakes
his head a little. ‘Nothing. It’s just that’s almost the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard someone do to try to win someone back.’

I look at him incredulously. It’s not the worst thing I could have done. I could have ‘accidentally’ turned up at all the same places as him. Or tried to date one of his friends to make him jealous. Before I found the list I came up with 101 crazy schemes to win
him back, and this sounded like the most sane.

‘I’m sorry, Abi. But you’ve got to admit it’s a little bit extreme. What are you expecting him to do when he finds out?’

‘When he finds out what? That I’ve done some things on his list?’

‘That you’ve been acting out his
exact
list. Don’t you think it’ll freak him out?’

I shrug again. ‘I’m hoping he never finds out that I found it in the first
place. And it’s not his exact list, I’ve modified it a bit. I’m only running a 10k rather than a half marathon.’

‘Right,’ says Ben. I can see the dimple, which I’ve learnt means that he’s laughing on the inside.

‘Oh, come on. Men never notice what’s going on under their noses. Besides, if he did find out what I’m doing, I’m sure he’d find it endearing. Wouldn’t you be flattered if someone went
to all that trouble doing death-defying stunts that scared the bejesus out of them just to get you back?’

The dimple disappears and Ben looks serious for a moment.

‘I mean, what if you and Tammy broke up and she did something like this for you. Surely it would show you how much she cared?’

‘I can’t imagine she’d even notice we weren’t together,’ mutters Ben under his breath. ‘Besides, what
are you expecting to happen? That he’ll be so impressed with your list that you get back together and live happily ever after?’

‘That’s pretty much the gist of it.’

‘There are no such things as happy endings in real life, Abi. You might as well save yourself the time and effort.’ He shakes his head.

‘I know it sounds ridiculous,’ I say, sighing. ‘It’s just I couldn’t think of another way to
get him back. I’m not crazy, I just really love him. You don’t have to keep helping me if you don’t want to. I’ll understand if you change your mind about coming to the Isle of Wight, but you can’t talk me out of it. I’m doing this list.’

‘I’m not going to talk you out of it, even though I think you’d be better off doing a list for yourself. In my experience sometimes if you love someone it’s
better to let them go, as you’re only going to get hurt. The more you love someone, the more your heart breaks when it ends.’

Boy, talk about cynical.

‘Are you sure your ex is worth all the effort?’

I think of Joseph, a fresh memory of him at the Ritz, looking all groomed in his neatly-pressed shirt and Ralph Lauren jumper draped over his shoulders as he left.

‘Absolutely,’ I say without hesitation.

‘Well, then, who am I to stand in your way?’

‘You won’t tell Giles, will you?’

He looks at me and I see him frown.

‘Not if you don’t want me to. Although, I think you should tell him and your friend Sian too. I don’t think they’d like being lied to. Besides, they’ll probably understand better than you think.’

‘Oh, no,’ I say, shaking my head defiantly. ‘Sian definitely won’t get it. She’d
be furious. She’s all about girl power and she’ll think I’m committing a crime against feminism. No, we’ve got to keep this our little secret, if that’s OK?’

He continues to look at me open-mouthed.

‘I know it’s silly,’ I say.

‘It’s not silly. You’re getting over a heartbreak. Believe me, I know all about it.’

‘You do?’

I look at Ben and realise that I’ve told him one of the biggest secrets
I’ve ever kept, and yet I know nothing about him. I don’t have any idea of his relationship history or how long he’s been with Tammy.

‘I do.’

I raise my eyebrow to indicate that I want him to elaborate.

‘After I broke up with my first proper girlfriend, I tried quite hard to get her back.’

‘What did you do?’

‘Well, I might have flown around the world to track her down on her gap year in Thailand,
Vietnam, then Australia.’

‘Oh, my God. You were a stalker.’

‘Well, I wasn’t a stalker as such. I just happened to be doing a similar route to her around South East Asia and Australia. I popped up every couple of months. I did do my own travelling in between.’

‘And what happened? Did you get her back?’

‘Not exactly. I bumped into her in Thailand, and she was travelling with this guy. Then by
the time I saw her in Vietnam, she was with another guy and then when I saw her again in Oz and was about to declare my undying love, she was with someone else. That was when I realised that I was on the other side of the world chasing someone who didn’t want me. If she didn’t fall at my feet when I saw her thousands of miles away in Thailand, then she never would.’

‘Wow. So you’re almost as
much of a nutter as me.’

No wonder Ben didn’t believe in happy endings.

‘Well, I did say your list was almost the craziest thing I’d ever heard of. But, in my defence, I was only eighteen. You should know better by now. You’re over thirty, right?’

‘Oi. Watch it,’ I say digging him in the ribs with my elbow. ‘I’m only just.’

I know that Ben’s made a joke, but there’s still a sadness in his
eyes as if he’s still nursing a broken heart. He smiles weakly as he gets to his feet.

‘Come on, let’s get you back on this bike, otherwise you’ll be nearing forty by the time you complete the Isle of Wight challenge.’

I stand up and reluctantly put the helmet back on my head.

‘Thanks, Ben,’ I say, picking up my bike. ‘For doing this, even though you now know I’m a complete loser.’

‘That’s
all right. I mean, I already knew you were a bit of a loser. What woman your age can’t ride a bike?’

With that, Ben swings his leg over his own bike that he’s been pushing around all morning and cycles off.

I can feel my cheeks colouring and I desperately want to shout at him and give him another dig in the ribs. There’s only one thing for it.

‘I’m going to get you, Ben,’ I shout as I mount
my bike and pedal as fast as my fear will let me.

As I pedal after him, I realise that I feel a sense of relief. I might have been embarrassed initially sharing my secret, but somehow confiding in Ben has made my shoulders feel lighter. There’s something about him that makes me feel comfortable talking about something so personal, even though he’s practically a stranger.

And he didn’t think
it was
that
terrible an idea, and he didn’t talk me out of it. And look, I’m actually cycling properly. All I need is for Ben to make me angry and I’ll get round the Isle of Wight no problem.

The wheels are really flying round now and my legs are almost burning with how quickly I’m pedalling. Maybe I haven’t forgotten how to ride a bike after all.

For a split second I believe that I can do this
and, unlike Ben’s story of his lost love, my crazy plan is going to work.

Chapter Nine

Five weeks and two days left to do this list, but I feel like I need five years at this rate . . .

‘What’s wrong with you today? You look like you’ve been slapped round the face by a wet trout,’ says Giles as we get our handlebars tangled on the pavement again. It seems pushing a bike is just as difficult as riding it.

I feel a bit bad as I’ve dragged him north of where we work
to go to a specialist running shop and spent the whole time being grumpy.

It’s all the list’s fault. It’s not going well.

I sigh heavily again. I don’t want to talk about it, but I feel I owe him an explanation.

‘My Spanish lesson last night was abysmal. Then, if it wasn’t bad enough having to spend the morning at the printer with Linz shadowing me, I tried to buy Glastonbury tickets during
the spring re-release only to find that I was meant to have registered in October.
October
!’ I say incredulously.

I mean what a bloody stupid system. You have to commit to wanting to go to a festival almost a full year in advance.

Giles nods his head. ‘If it makes you feel any better, the chances of getting tickets anyway were pretty slim, even if you had registered. And there’s always next
year.’

I almost laugh out loud. Of course there would be next year if this was any normal person’s bucket list, but it’s not. I’m in a race against time to get Joseph back.

‘I even asked my sister if she or any of her friends had any spare tickets, and she laughed in my face. Apparently you have to apply using a photo and it’s mega strict.’

‘What about going to another festival? Glastonbury’s
great, but it’s so big. You spend most of your time walking the site rather than seeing anything. Why don’t you try one of the other ones – maybe V Festival? They usually have plenty of commercial artists too, which might be more to your taste.’