The Casual Rule (32 page)

“I…I didn’t mean for this to happen,” I stammer, looking down at my hands wringing my wrists.

“You’re seeing someone else?” He actually looks a little hurt. Maybe he does feel the same.

“What?” I shake my head. “No, it’s nothing like that.”

“Good, so what is it?” he asks, looking noticeably relieved.

“Please don’t make me say it,” I beg.

“What the fuck happened between last night and this morning? Tell me. What?” I’ve never seen Ben so irritated; I know he’s losing his patience with me.

I take a deep breath, gathering up all of my courage. I stand from my chair and walk over to him, crouching down to his level. He looks at me, confused and tense. I lift my hand and caress his cheek, looking for this one last connection before my world changes.

“I love you,” I whisper as all the air in my lungs evaporates.

No reaction. Nothing. His silence speaks volumes. He stares at me or through me. I’m not sure if he can see me at all. He looks completely dumbfounded. Stunned. Is my confession so horrific that it’s rendered him speechless?

“Say something…” I whisper, breathlessly. The walls that I’ve built around me come crashing down, brick by brick until they’re dust on the ground. I’m standing in front of him with nothing to protect me, completely vulnerable to his reaction.

After what feels like a lifetime, he finally finds his voice. “I don’t understand. I thought we were on the same page.”

“We were.”

“I...I don’t understand,” he stutters.

“It changed for me. I didn’t plan it. It just happened.” I grab his hands and hold them.

“Julia… What are you telling me?” He looks utterly lost.

“I want something long term. Something that may be more than a casual fling. Do you love me Ben? Maybe just a little?” I ask, hopeful.

He pales as he looks to the ground and says nothing. I let go of his hands.

“Okay, maybe you don’t love me now. Could you love me someday?” I ask softly, my voice cracking, mirroring my heart.

“Julia, it’s complicated.”

“No. It’s quite simple, really. Don’t you feel it? It can’t just be me. Surely you feel it too?” I sound desperate, but I don’t care. “Ben, tell me you feel it. I know I didn’t imagine it last night. Tell me. Please,” I plead.

“I care for you. But I….” He sighs, staring down at his feet, his shoulders slumped.

“But you don’t love me,” I whisper, finishing his thought. “Do you think this thing between us could ever be anything more than a fling?”

“This was never meant to be…” He hesitates. I know he was going to say permanent. “We talked about this in the beginning. I thought you felt the same way.” He looks down to the floor then back at me with a look I’m not sure how to describe... pity?

“I see.” I shake my head. I’m suddenly dizzy; the apartment walls feel like they’re closing in on me. Sometimes the truth is heartbreaking, but it doesn’t stop it from being the truth.

 Reluctantly, I realize what I have to do. This will never work, not anymore. I can’t pretend I don’t love him now that I know. It’s like trying to fit two puzzle pieces together that don’t want to fit. Breaking up with this man I love is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But I know it’s what I have to do. I’ll never be anything more to him but a good time. It’s all so clear to me.

I stand and walk back to Ben’s bedroom, saying nothing. He stays, paralyzed in his seat, looking completely bewildered. I step into his bathroom to find anything I may have left there. There’s nothing. No box of my tampons under his bathroom sink or toothbrush in his toothbrush holder. No signs of me...no signs of us... anywhere. Sex. It’s just sex. That’s all it ever was. He told me. Allie told me. My heart didn’t listen. I walk back in his bedroom and take my clothes out of my overnight bag.

“What are you doing?”

I look up and see Ben, looking like someone just punched him in the gut, leaning on the door frame to his bedroom.

“I’m getting dressed then I’m going home,” I tell him as I pull my panties up under my nightgown.

“Don’t go.”

I turn around and face the wall, pulling off my nightgown and snap my bra on. I don’t want him to see my naked body. “I can’t stay here,” I say as I pull my emerald dress down over my head. “I let my guard down and fell in love. I’m sorry. I know I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you. I’m sorry.”

“Please stop.”

“I don’t want our contact to only be about sex. I want to call you because I miss you… or you miss me. I want to make plans to stroll through Central Park, or cuddle on the couch and watch some stupid reality TV show that I love and you hate, but you watch it anyway, just to be with me. That’s what I want. I want you. I want all of you and I want you to want all of me, even the parts that are boring.”

“Julia, I don’t want to lose you.”

I inhale a sharp breath and shake my head. “You never really had me, not all of me anyway. You only had parts of me. The parts I was allowed to show. I realize now that I had to hide the rest.”

“What did you hide?”

“My love for you. I hid it from both of us. I know in my heart that I can’t continue like this…us, this way. Everything I thought I didn’t want when we started this, I’ve discovered I do. I love you. And I know you like me, but that’s not enough. I want the strings, the obligations. I want your heart. I want you to love me the way I love you. If you don’t have that to give, I have to move on. I can’t pine for you in hopes that one day you’ll change your mind. I can’t live my life in limbo waiting on you if you don’t have anything to give back.” Images of Cam-eel flash into my mind, the girl who still pines for him. I quickly dismiss her. “Do you have anything to say?”

“Julia…I…uh…” He exhales a long breath, places his hand on his forehead and shakes his head.

“That’s what I thought. I’m going to go,” I say sadly.

“I don’t want you to go.”

“There’s nothing here for me.”

“I’m here.”

“Only part of you. I want the rest and you can’t give it. If you didn’t want my body anymore, I could live with that. But what you don’t want is my heart, and I can’t live with that. I should have known. I should have stopped myself.” I pause to catch my breath. “I was there… at the marathon the day you ran. I was there.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” He jerks his head back slightly, staring at me incredulously.

“Because it meant I’d have to admit my true feelings to myself. The funny thing is, after you ran that marathon, I thought you could do anything. I was wrong. I just found the one thing you can’t do.” I swallow hard. “Love me.”

I zip up my overnight bag and walk out of his bedroom.  Ben follows closely behind. As I reach the door, he stands in front of it.

“No Julia, wait,” he begs, panic stricken.

“Wait for what? There’s nothing here for me. I’m just another one of your many fuck buddies. That may be enough for you, but it’s not enough for me. Not anymore.”

“You’re not just a fuck buddy. Don’t say that.”

“I know we agreed to keep things casual. I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I don’t want to be your booty call anymore, your good time girl. This thing between us, it’s more to me now. I can’t help the way I feel. If it isn’t the way you feel, let’s just cut our losses and I’ll go. I need more than casual from you. Judging by your expression and lack of words, it’s clear you can’t give that to me.  You’ve always been honest. I can’t fault you. I’m the one who broke our rule. I’m sorry,” I sniffle, wiping my tears with the back of my hand. “I feel like such an idiot, apologizing for loving you.”

“Please don’t apologize.”

“We’re two different types of people. You buy a flower, wait for it to wilt and die, then just replace it with a different flower. I buy a flower, nurture it and watch it grow.”

“You want a flower?”

“No, Ben. I want the whole damn garden.” I’m going to completely crumble if I don’t get out of here. I need to leave. “Please move out of the way.”

“Let me take you home,” he says quietly.

“That won’t be necessary, I can get myself home.”

“Julia, please. Can’t we stay…” He pauses, searching for the word, “friends?”

 I shake my head. “I can’t be your friend,” I say sorrowfully. “This isn’t your fault. It’s mine.” I reach my hand up and caress his cheek. He inhales deeply as tears roll down my cheek. “Please don’t call me anymore.”

He closes his eyes, hanging his head as he nods. “Can I kiss you goodbye?” he asks, his voice low and serious.

Although I know this may kill me, I need to feel this one last connection. I nod looking down at the floor as I feel tiny pieces of my broken heart shattering inside me. Pain is all I feel, complete and utter heartache and pain. He tilts my chin up with his index finger and gazes at me, with a profound sadness in his eyes. His thumb gently skims across my bottom lip. He leans in and sweetly kisses my lips. I pour every ounce of love I feel for this beautiful man in this one sweet kiss, knowing I will never have this again. He gently strokes my cheek, wiping away my falling tears.

“Goodbye Ben,” I whisper, barely able to get the words out as I take a step back.

“Julia,” he says softly, looking as somber and heartbroken as I feel. He moves to the side of the door opening it for me. I walk past him toward the elevator down the hall, as he watches me from his doorway. As the elevator doors open, I take one last glance back at him, he smiles wistfully. I turn and walk into the elevator.

As the doors close, I lean against the wall, dropping my overnight bag, and slowly sink down to the elevator floor.

~o0o~

I rush home. I’m completely dazed during the subway ride back to my apartment, staring straight ahead, slowly dying on the inside.

I’m glad the apartment is empty. I don’t want to talk. How am I going to face Allie? What am I going to tell my mom? She was wrong about Ben. He had no plans to stick around. And my dad? He liked Ben.

Failure, humiliation, shame, and pain, every molecule in my body is racked with unrelenting grief.

I open the apartment door, dropping my coat and overnight bag on the floor and run into my bedroom, closing the door behind me. I’ve held myself together so well up until now, but I can’t anymore.

My head is pounding as a raw howl escapes me, coming from deep down in the depths of my soul. I sob uncontrollably into my hands. I really fucking left him.

I stare at my bedroom door, hoping it’ll open and he’ll burst in, begging for my forgiveness, explaining how he followed me the second I left. He loves me. He’s loved me for a long time. But here I am, alone in my room. Lost and empty.

Sinking to the floor, I lean my back up against my bed and try to catch my breath.  I left him. I love him and he doesn’t love me. He never will. How am I going to get through this? How? The pain has numbed me. I feel nothing. Nothing.

I’m so tired. Just tired. I want to sleep. Just sleep and never wake up from the nightmare that’s unfolded in the past hour.

Inhaling long deep gasps of air, I try to relax and steady my breathing. In and out, deep and slow. Eventually, my breathing quiets and I close my eyes, placing my hand over my heart. I sit still in silence, as I concentrate on the feel of my heart beating in my chest… Thump-thump, thump-thump, to remind myself that although I feel dead inside, I’m still alive.

Chapter 17

Allie walks into the living room wearing a tight, short royal blue strapless sequined dress with a sweetheart neckline. Her hair is clipped back with two floral shaped rhinestone hair clips to the side.

“You look pretty,” I say softly.

“Thanks, I was looking for a dress that matched the Times Square crystal ball.”

“You succeeded. Seriously, you look gorgeous.”

She smiles politely. “Jules, come out with us tonight. It’ll just be a few of my work friends. You know most of them anyway. It’s New Years Eve. You might feel better if you get out of the apartment.”

“Thanks, but I don’t feel much like celebrating. I’m going to stay here.”

“I’ll cancel my plans and keep you company.”

“Thanks, but please don’t. I just want to sleep. Go out. Have a good time,” I insist.

“We’ll have a good time together, just you and me.”

“I’m not much company. Please go. I’ll feel worse if you change your plans. Go.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”
No.

“All right, I’ll have my cell phone with me at all times. Call me if you need me. Meet us if you change your mind. I’m worried about you.”

“Thanks. Have a good time. I’ll be fine.”
I’m far from fine.

“Okay. I’ll see you in the morning.” After bundling up her coat, she grabs her purse, hesitating for a moment then opens the door, taking one quick glance back at me.

“Go, go.” I wave her away.

She nods slowly, blows me a kiss and leaves, quietly closing the door.

~o0o~

After tossing and turning for the past hour and a half, I give up. I can’t sleep. My brain won’t shut down. My thoughts are running all over the place. I want to turn it off. I want to just lie still, but it’s not happening.

They say that God only gives you as much as you can handle. I think maybe God was wrong on this one. I can’t handle this hollow feeling anymore. I’m just so sad. So very sad. When I look in the mirror I see me, but I don’t feel like me. It’s like the stories you hear about patients who die on the operating table and look down on the medical team trying to revive them. That’s how I feel, like my body and soul disconnected. I’m lying on the table dying and my soul has already left.

When I think I can’t possibly shed another tear, I cry. Every time I remind myself of my resilience, I got over Mikehole and I’ll get over Ben, my heart reminds me this was different. How I feel about Ben, what we were…Well, what I hoped we could have been, was different. I love him. I really truly to the depths of my being love him and it’ll never be returned. I sound like a sap, but it’s the truth… it’s my truth.

This is worse than Mikehole cheating on me. He showed his true colors. He’s not a real man. He’s nothing but a selfish coward, only capable of loving himself. Ben, on the other hand, is everything he said he was…what he omitted was that he’s giving, kind, funny, warm and loving. He has plenty of love to give. I’ve seen it. He freely gives it to his family; though a few of them don’t deserve it …he just has none to give to me.