The Champion (Racing on the Edge) (13 page)

Ryder showed up after that. I thought he’d be in Ocala,
so when he walked in wearing a tie, I choked on my beer.

“What are you doing here?”

Ryder smiled down at Axel, “Nice to see you too.”

“I didn’t say it wasn’t good to see you man
...
just caught me off guard.” He leaned
forward and patted my back before removing the blanket over Axel to get a good
look at him.

“Sid is driving for me tonight.” He said sitting next to
me. “I leave in the morning but I wanted to stop by.”

I knew why he came. Racing in a sense is all about who
you know. We get introduced to car owners that way, sponsors
...
that’s how the sport operates.

Look at what happened to me at the Chili Bowl when I was
introduced to Tate.

Ryder knew Charlie from back in the days when he started
racing quarter midgets in the late eighties. At the time, Grays Harbor was one
of the fastest tracks around and everyone wanted to race there. It wasn’t
uncommon for the kids from the East to venture out to Grays Harbor.

So every year Ryder came out a few times at least and got
to know Charlie. Charlie then introduced Ryder to Sid Donco who owned Donco
Controls.

Donco Controls has been sponsoring Ryder in the USAC
divisions since he was fourteen years old. Right there goes to show you it pays
who you know and treat
everyone
with respect in this industry. You never
know when you could be working for them at some point.

Ryder and I made small talk for a few moments before I
focused on the television again as they started the pre-race activities. Ryder
laughed when he saw Justin. “He looks awkward.”

“He’s looking for the wing.”

“I bet he is.” Ryder laughed.

Spencer walked into the family room where we were sitting
holding Lane by the ankles. They sat down in the chair next to Axel and me.

Lane looked over at me as the race began.

“Can I hold him?” his expression was anxious.

It was hard on the kids. I’m sure they had no idea why
all the grown-ups were crying.

“He just ate.” I told him. “Are you sure?”

Lane seemed to contemplate this for a moment before
nodding. “I want to.”

Spencer helped him and soon Axel was sound asleep in
Lane’s arms. I decided it was time to stretch my legs for a moment and then
find Sway. I left her in the attic this morning, knowing she needed some time
alone. I wasn’t really sure what to say to her. She was only twenty-three and
both her parents were now gone—nothing I said would be comforting.

When I walked toward the front porch, I heard my name
mentioned from a group of women talking amongst themselves. I recognized the
one as Mallory and the other looked to be Jen, our new media relations for
Grays Harbor.

“How’s Jameson holding up?” Jen asked Emma who approached
them.

Emma smiled as she always did. “He’d never let on but I
know he’s hurting inside.”

“He can’t stand to see Sway in pain.” Mallory added.

I leaned against the wall when I saw Sway sitting on the
porch staring at the driveway and listened to the conversations surrounding me.

Everyone asked the same thing: “How’s Sway?” followed
directly by “How’s Jameson?”

Why did people care how I was? I wondered but just by
hearing those brief conversations, I understood. I understood because I wasn’t
okay. Just like my wife, I was hurting. I’d known Charlie even longer than I’d
known Sway.

People filed in and out of their home, paying their
respects. It made me sick to my stomach any time I thought that he was actually
gone. I kept thinking he’d come down the hall any minute and yell at Logan for
something
...
but he wasn’t. It seemed the
hardest part about all of this was accepting.

No one likes change and permanent change was even worse.

Blown Motor – Sway

Jameson stepped onto the porch, his hands buried deep in
the pockets of his dark trousers. He leaned against the railing, the sleeves of
his gray dress shirt rolled up to his elbows. I watched his slow steady
breathing when leisurely he lifted his hand to run it through his hair—his head
slumped forward staring at the ground.

I had snuck out here when everyone started talking about
Charlie firing the staff from the track. I was really going to miss the crazy
bastard. Nothing would be the same around the track anymore, or at home. I
already felt different being here in this house without him. It felt empty,
lifeless, but maybe that was just me.

“What are you doing out here?” Jameson eventually asked.

“Watching Mrs. Taylor’s cat lick his balls,” I replied
imperturbably.

He chuckled and took a seat next to me on the worn wooden
steps, bumping my shoulder.

“There’s a funeral going on in there.”

“Is that so?” I laughed bitterly watching Mrs. Taylor’s
cat walk away, flicking his tail with each step. “I couldn’t tell with all the
black. I thought I was at a Johnny Cash concert.”

We sat there and joked for a few moments before I decided
it was time to give my speech. I turned to Jameson once we were inside.

“Jameson, I’m warning you
...
you
leave me alone with Mrs. Taylor for more than five minutes and I’ll chop you
dick off.”

Mrs. Taylor was our crazy neighbor who annoyed the fuck
out of me, worse than the Lucifer twins did if that tells you anything. When I
was nine, she paid me twenty bucks to get her mail for a week and deliver it to
her. She talked so goddamn much I quit after two days.

“That’s a little harsh and you really should stop
threatening my manhood if you want more children but
...
I wouldn’t think of it.” He slapped my ass once as we walked
toward the back yard where everyone was gathered.

I had no idea what to say during my speech so I reached
for the note in my pocket that I found from my mom, feeling the warm tears
streaming down my cheeks. I looked over at Jameson who was standing near the
fence off to my right—tears glazed his eyes as he held our son close.

He mouthed, “I love you,” to me and winked once.

I inhaled a deep breath before I began. “I
...
don’t really know what to say.” I paused
feeling everyone’s eyes focus on me. “But I found a note from my mother that
really summed everything up for me this morning.” Pausing again, I gave Jameson
a small smile. “She told me to not look back. She told me that all of this I’m
feeling right now, the pain, the anger, the depression is what I’m supposed to
feel, and it’s natural. It’s normal. She said that everything that happens to
you are the pages within the story and it’s your novel. Write the ending you
want. She said that what would really define me was when I thought I couldn’t
go on. How I went on would be my destiny.” I finally looked up to find Jameson
smiling at me. “I don’t know what to say about Charlie except that he did the
best he could for me. I never once felt like he didn’t love me nor did I ever
feel like I let him down. He supported me in everything I did and that’s
exactly the way a father should be.”

I couldn’t think of anything else to say, I was drawing a
blank until I looked over at Axel once again. “Charlie’s only wish was to see
me walk down the aisle and see his only grandson born, both of which he was
able to do. He lived a full life and he had no regrets. Neither should we. He
knew we loved him and that’s all that matters. That’s all we can ask is that we
tell the ones we love how much we love them and appreciate them for who they
are.”

I couldn’t say any more because at that point, staring at
my son, I lost it again and walked away to hide in the closet again.

This time Jameson followed, concerned for his manhood.

So there we sat, Jameson and me in Charlie’s closet.

“Where’s Axel?” I finally asked after ruining his black
dress shirt with snot and tears.

“He’s with Andrea.” He told me. “I think she needed him
to cheer her up.”

“He does that for people, doesn’t he?”

Jameson leaned over kissing the top of my head. “Yeah he
does.”

“We should probably go back downstairs, huh?”

“Nah
...
we can stay
up here as long as you need to.”

We were quiet for another few moments before I began to
pour my heart out to him.

“You know, I thought that if I avoided it, pretended it
wasn’t happening that I could bandage the pain once it hit but that’s not the
case. It hurts.”

“I know honey.” He pulled me to his chest. “I’m sorry I
can’t take away the pain.”

Jameson and I had been through so much since we’ve known
each other and I had no doubt this was just another obstacle that would
increase our bond with one another.

In some relationships, what happened with Darrin would
have destroyed the couple but not us. If
anything
, Darrin showed me just
how much I loved Jameson and how strong our bond was.

“When do you need to leave Las Vegas?”

“I need to be there next Wednesday
...
so I have ten days.” He smiled with a slow wink. “Can you
think of
anything
I can do in ten days?”

“Oh,” I sighed dramatically. “I can think of a lot of
things.”

“Honeymoon?”

“Honeymoon,” I agreed.

Time alone was exactly what we needed.

With that acceptance comes moving on and living the life you’ve
been given. You owe it to the ones you’ve lost to go and do what they no longer
get a chance to—remember them in a way that brings you both happiness.

Charlie would have wanted me to continue to be a mother
and a wife and that’s what I was going to do. My book was still being written.
I may have some torn pages, maybe even dog-eared, but I tell you something
else, it was one hell of a story.

7.
             
Restart – Sway

Restart – The
waving of the green flag following a caution period.

“This is a bad idea.”

“No, it’s not. He’ll be
fine
.”

“He needs me though.”

“Your husband needs you too.” Alley pushed me toward the
door. “Go enjoy yourselves. Next week in Las Vegas you’re going to wish you’d
taken this time. I’m telling you, this year it’s completely different at the
track. He can’t even walk from his motor coach to the paddock without someone
chasing him.”

“And he could before?”

“Not really the point.” She shoved me into the door.
“Leave already.”

I handed her everything Axel would need for the next week
and then some. Looking over the two suitcases full of clothing, toys and food
for my little spaz, I clearly over packed.

“Just
...
don’t
leave him alone with Emma and Aiden, I don’t trust them.”

“I wouldn’t either.” She laughed. “Last week Aiden asked
me if he could take Lane to the bar with him because he was good at pool.”

“And one more thing,” I turned to face her before I made
my way out the door, crying. “If I come back to a son with a mow-hawk
...
” I paused taking a dramatic deep breath. “I.
will. Kill. Spencer.”

“Don’t worry Sway!” Alley laughed sitting on the floor
next to Axel’s car seat. “Now go ride your husband’s magic stick.”

“Okay
...
uh that’s
...
weird.”

“Sorry
...
Spencer
messed with my playlists this morning.” She shrugged and taking Axel from his
car seat. “Now go, have fun.”

“Where are Spencer and Lane?” I noticed how quiet their
apartment was. This was also my way of stalling for a little more time.

“They went to play flag football with Van and the twins.”
She smiled.

Van had taken to the twins these days and made sure they
did everything six-year old boys should be doing.

Being only thirty-one Van was like a big kid himself. He
seemed tough on the outside when he was in protection mode but inside, he was a
child just like the rest of the boys in our family.

I left after that because if I didn’t, I’d never leave.

I knew Jameson and I needed some alone time and not just
at our house. It’d only been three days since Charlie’s funeral and we had yet
to actually be alone. Every time we thought we may get a few minutes together,
someone was stopping by to see if we needed anything.
We
needed alone
time is what
we
needed.

My theories with death and grieving remained the same. Everyone
was dealing with the loss in their own way and it affected everyone in our
families, even Jimi who had to leave the next day for Grand Rapids. I’d never
seen Jimi cry in all the years I’ve known him but when he watched his longtime
friend lowered in the ground, the tears fell, as did everyone else.

Andrea was keeping busy with the twins but it was evident
everything had taken a toll on her. For someone who usually had a smile upon
their face, it was hard to see her without one.

Jameson was the quiet one with it all, said little but
offered small gestures that meant the world to me, letting me know he was there
for me. I also knew it was hard on him; he loved Charlie just as much as I did.
Even though Jameson and I met when we were eleven, Jameson had known Charlie
since we bought the track back in 1987. I just failed to realize who Jameson
actually was until I was eleven.

I went through all the stages and finally I was moving on
to acceptance, slowly. Nothing I could do would ever bring Charlie or Rachel
back. It was out of my control. I still needed to be a mother to my son and I
still needed to be a wife to my husband.

This was why we were now
finally
going on our
honeymoon.

I came to realize through the unfortunate ways of life,
that in life, you’re seldom offered a second chance at love or life in general.
So you should take them when they come. Being married to a NASCAR driver,
you’re seldom offered alone time
...
so
take it when it comes.