The Champion (Racing on the Edge) (11 page)

My heart was immediately pounding in my chest
uncontrollably when she asked. “Sway?”

I handed Axel to Emma knowing I couldn’t hold him right
now. “Yeah it’s me, what’s up?”

She paused and right then I knew what it was. “Andrea
...
please don’t
...
”

“I’m
sorry
Sway. I’m
...
I
...
” she hesitated as her tears broke through.
“I’m sorry sweetie.”

I stared at my feet, frozen with shock, my mind resisting
her words.

Without collecting my thoughts, or gathering my composure,
I called Jameson, while simultaneously throwing up.

I felt the rush of adrenaline course through my body,
waiting for him to answer. The burning started in the pit of my stomach, bubbling
to the point where it felt as though it was acid, destroying me, and crippling
me where I stood. My arms and legs were tingling, trembling with a nervous
energy and pain.

I tried to speak when he finally answered but all I
managed to say was his name as Emma held me.

Blister – Jameson

“Jameson
...
please
...
”

“Sway?”

All I could hear on the other end was crying, hysterical
crying. Instantly I was thinking something was wrong with Axel or maybe she was
hurt somehow. “Sway? What’s going on?”

Still nothing, just crying and Emma’s soothing tone
comforting her.

“Jameson?” Emma took the phone.

“Emma,” I sighed in relief that someone was there with
her. “What’s going on? Is something wrong with Axel?”

Emma let out a strangled sob. “It’s Charlie.”

Oh god!

Dad was still standing beside me, though he was now on
the phone with Wes lining up flights for us.

“All right, we’ll meet you there. Thanks Wes.” He hung up
and motioned for me to follow him.

“Emma is Charlie
...
?”
my voice failed me. I couldn’t bring myself to speak over the lump lodged in my
throat. “Did he
...
?”

“Yes.” She managed to squeak out and continued crying.
“He’s
...
”

She didn’t need to say it, I knew.

Before I left three weeks ago, he was fading fast. I knew
it was only a matter of weeks but I wanted to be there for Sway when it
happened.

I finally had to hang up with Emma. Her and Sway weren’t
making any sense.

I called Andrea to make certain she was all right.

“Jameson?” Andrea answered meekly on the first ring. “Are
you okay?”

Am I okay? Seriously? How could she be worried about
me right now?

“Andrea, Emma just called.”

“I know
...
I called
Sway.” She told me in a hushed voice. “It’s Charlie. He’s gone—I’m sorry.”

I felt as though my heart broke into a million pieces and
someone punched me at the same time.

Oh god how I wanted to be with my wife right now.

Dad sensed what had happened and started frantically
rubbing my back assuring me we’d be their shortly as I leaned against the side
of the hauler for support. I couldn’t walk.

“Are you okay Andrea?”

“I don’t think it’s sunk in yet.” her voice cracked. “The
boys are at the neighbors and Nancy just got here. Van is bringing Emma and
Sway over.”

“Okay
...
I will be
there in a few hours.”

It took four hours to reach Elma and one speeding ticket
later, but we made it. Tears couldn’t be helped when I saw the complete look of
devastation on my wife’s face.

How much more would this woman have to endure in her
life?

I shook my head in disgust that, once again, I wouldn’t
be able to protect her from this. I had no control of what happened to Charlie
or her mother. All I could do was be there for her. Be the husband and father
to our child that she needed.

When I walked into the living room of her childhood home,
I couldn’t believe how many people had already gathered there. Tommy was there;
Mallory and Bryce had shown up, and even Justin and Ami were already there. Our
support system was gathering.

I searched the room and saw Sway in the corner, sitting
in Charlie’s chair, holding Axel. Her eyes were swollen, her face flushed and
her shirt was soaked from her tears.

I ran to her instantly.

“Sway
...
” I
breathed clutching her tightly.

Nancy took Axel from her as Sway wrapped her arms around
my neck.

I needed to get her home, away from everyone. It was
evident by her appearance she needed to be alone right now and not in a room
full of people.

Nancy reached for her as well.

“I’ve got her mom. Emma, get my keys.” I was careful as I
could be, gently picking her up. I was clutching her so tight I was afraid she
couldn’t breathe but she only held me tighter, clinging to my chest. I was
trembling, struggling to gain some sort of self-control for Sway’s sake. She
needed her strong husband, not the emotional wreck I’d been on the flight home.

“Make it stop.” She pleaded. “Please
...
make the pain stop.”

I wanted to make it stop for her. I’d give anything to
take the pain away.

Alley pointed at her watch. “Jameson
...
what are we going to do? You have an
appearance tomorrow in Charlotte.”

“Cancel it.” I growled. I couldn’t believe she would
think I would do it after this.

“It’s not that easy, Jameson. It’s for your sponsorship
with Simplex on the sprint car team. You requested this one.”

I spun on my heel to face her.

“Cancel the goddamn thing Alley!” I pulled Sway closer.
“I can’t even believe you’d think I would leave right now.”

It wasn’t right for me to yell at Alley but my wife
needed me. For once, I’d be there for her.

Sway needed me and I wasn’t going to deny her, not now,
not ever. I wouldn’t care if my career ended right now. None of that mattered.

What mattered was laying in my arms begging me to take
the pain away.

“Dad,” I tried to keep my voice even and controlled. “Can
you please call Simplex for me and explain
...
I
can’t leave her. See if Justin can fill in for Rockingham this weekend.” I
requested taking a deep breath to calm myself and looked at my mom holding Axel
tightly against her. “Mom, can you guys take Axel tonight?”

We hadn’t left him with anyone yet and though the idea
scared me, Sway needed me tonight and didn’t need to worry about having to take
care of him.

I carried Sway to the car and drove her back to our house
on Summit Lake, never taking my hands off her. I wasn’t letting her go.

She tried her hardest to control herself the entire way
but at some point, I realized it was a doomed effort for her.

When I pulled into our garage, Van was there, pacing back
and forth.

“Is she okay?” he asked in a concerned voice, his eyes
examining her. “Can I get you anything?”

I only nodded as he helped me get her inside.

“If you need anything
...
just
let me know.” He offered.

“Thanks Van. I really appreciate everything you’ve done
for us.”

I quickly scooped Sway up and took her straight to our
room. As we reached the bed, I pulled her into my arms and silently rocked her.

This seemed to have brought on a new round of weeping and
all I could do was hold her. It was all I wanted to do. Letting her take all of
her emotions out on me and hoping my being there was at least some comfort to
her while she was in pain. She cried loudly and I was glad we were alone.

Sway’s tears were relentless, and she cried much longer
than I would have suspected but then again, I was surprised it wasn’t longer.

Christ, she’d just lost her father. Who wouldn’t be
crying?

All throughout his sickness, when she finally found out,
Sway remained positive. I knew this was the front, her denial, but that was
Sway—always had been. When she was hurting, she smiled, never letting you know
it was killing her inside.

As I held her that night, sometimes she would quiet
slightly, only to pick up with more force in what could only be described as
hysteria. I was at a loss, trying to comfort her with quiet murmurs and loving
strokes. Mostly I just held her, as that seemed to be the best option at this
point.

Every tear that slid down her cheek was like a knife with
serrated edges stabbing me in the heart. It was more than I could stand to see
her in this type of pain.

When she finally fell asleep, her tears didn’t stop. She
tossed and turned, murmuring his name repeatedly in an agonized voice. The
sorrow was killing her, and in turn, it was killing me.

I watched her all night. My own pain, I could handle.
Hers, I could not. This was almost unbearable.

The sun finally rose, and a new day seemed to finally dry
the tears.

She had quit crying by the time she awoke, though I knew
it would be temporary. When the disorientation from sleep wore off, she would
remember what had happened and the sorrow would come again.

“Hey,” she croaked and then cleared her throat. “Where’s
Axel?”

I stared at her intently. She
seemed
better, but I
couldn’t be sure.

“With my mom. Are you
...
all
right?”

“I’m fine,” she insisted as though she was trying to
convince herself.

I grabbed her face in my hands, forcing her to look at
me. Her eyes were swollen and red. I gently ran the tip of my thumb over her
lips.

She looked at me intently, tears filling her eyes again.

“I’m so sorry honey.” I soothed rubbing her back and
rocking her back and forth on our bed.

“I just
...
can’t
believe he’s really gone.” She murmured into my chest and then burst into tears
again. “I don’t want it to be real.”

“I wish it wasn’t real.” I told her and pulled her
closer. “I really do.”

It was real though and we had to deal with it.

6.
             
Blown Motor – Sway

Blown Motor – This
would be a major engine failure. An example would be when a connecting rod goes
through the engine block. Blown motors usually produce a lot of smoke and
steam.

“Thanks for everything you guys have done.” I wailed
against Nancy’s shoulder. Her and Jimi both hugged me tighter. “I’ve always
felt like you two were my second set of parents.”

Jimi, Nancy and Emma had taken care of everything for us
with the funeral because really, I could hardly function let alone plan a
funeral.

If it wasn’t for Jameson and Axel, I’d probably still be
curled up on the floor by the phone.

Have you ever heard that saying
,
“Everything
happens for a reason?”

What a crock of bullshit that is.

Shitty things happen to good people all the time.
Case-in-point, Charlie, my mom, Van
...
and
good things happen to shitty people. Case-in-point there
...
Darrin.

How was I supposed to feel about this? Was I acting the
way I should? If not, how was I supposed to react?

The man I looked up to my entire life and raised me on
his own and he was dead. As in gone
...
forever
...
never coming back. I would never see him at
the track again. I would never walk downstairs from my room to see him
engrossed in the Sunday paper and eating
Coco Puffs
or a maple bar donut
with chocolate milk.

I glanced out the small window next to me and watched
everyone that passed on the street below, going about their daily lives.

Do you ever wonder what they’re thinking? How their lives
are going?

I do.

I wonder if they face the same day-to-day shit that
everyone else has to. Do some people have it easier? From up here, from a
perspective, everything looks fine as if nothing in their life is shitty.

But from what I’ve learned—people display their emotions
differently and generally, something about their lives is shitty in some way.

When I was in college, I read a book by Elisabeth
Kubler-Ross called On Death and Dying. Elisabeth described that there are five
stages you will go through when you’re dealing with grief and tragedy.

We all go into denial trying to imagine it’s not true. We
don’t want to think it’s true. Who really wants to face reality anyway?

We get angry with everyone. We are angry with people
who’ve never experienced the pain and angry with ourselves for having to deal
with it.

Then we beg and plead offering up anything we have not to
feel the pain, or just have one more day, one more moment.

When that doesn’t work and anger isn’t worth it, we get
depressed until we accept that we’ve done everything we could have done. We let
go. But how do you get to that point and go on living? How do you accept the
change and become the person you once were?

My anger came first. Flashing, blinding, consuming. It
started slow, lapping at my lungs, my fingers, my gut, building relentlessly,
compelling me to run, to scream, to destroy anything I could.

My brain was a jumble of senseless firing synapses and my
entire body trembled with the nervous energy of it all, from my scalp to my lips
to my toes.

I couldn’t sit still, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep,
couldn’t focus on anything but the wave of rage that drove me to the edge of
insanity before it swells and finally, blessedly breaks.

But after that brief moment of reprieve, when I went crashing
headfirst into the next mind-fuck of emotions, I found myself longing for those
ebbing, electric tides of anger and rage.