The Christmas Baby (16 page)

F
AITH HAD NEVER SAT
through a more interminable Christmas dinner in her entire life. And she had only herself to blame. The food was good, or she assumed it was since Cat’s cooking was always delicious. Simply because everything tasted like ashes to her didn’t mean it did to anyone else.

She had to sit there beside Brian and talk and make sense and pretend to eat and enjoy herself, when all she wanted was to go home, hold her little girl and sob her heart out. She was such a fool. She’d known what would happen if she slept with Brian and she’d done it anyway. Convinced herself he could love her. Fooled herself into believing that he would want to make a family with her and Lily and Will.

He didn’t. He’d been very sure of that. The words rang in her ears. She didn’t think she’d ever stop hearing them.

Damn it, I ought to know if I’m in love with a woman. I’m telling you, I’m not in love with Faith.

Brian had been as definite as he could be. No hesitation, no maybe about it. He didn’t love Faith. And he clearly believed he never would. She hadn’t waited around to hear more, but instead had turned and run before they could see her. What she’d heard had been more than enough to make her realize what a complete and utter fool she’d been.

“Are you all right?” Brian asked. “You’ve been awfully quiet and you’ve hardly touched your food.”

“I’m fine,” she lied. “I just have a little headache. Probably from lack of sleep.” Her eyes met his. Damn it, she hadn’t intended to remind him of the reason for her lack of sleep. Or herself, either.

He smiled and started to say something but she turned away and began fussing over Lily, who sat on her other side. Ava, next to Lily, said something to Faith and she responded, though she had no idea what she said. She simply couldn’t bear to talk to Brian. Couldn’t bear to relive the night before, even though she was certain the images were seared into her brain for life.

She’d never had a night like the one she’d spent with Brian. Had never felt so thoroughly satisfied. So thoroughly loved. But it hadn’t been about love. It had been about nothing more than sex. Great sex, but sex nonetheless. Not love. Not on Brian’s part.

He hadn’t lied, though. He’d never said the words to her, never tried to make her think he’d intended anything more than a brief passion with her. He’d let her know he wanted her sexually. But he didn’t love her.

How was she supposed to live with Brian, make love to him, when she knew he didn’t love her and never would? Knowing it was just a matter of time before the fire burned out and he was no longer interested.

How could she stay in the same house with Will, knowing she’d never be his mother? Never have the right to call him her son. To hold him, love him, to raise him as her own child along with Lily.

Finally, the last piece of pie was eaten and everyone started clearing the table. Brian took her plate for her and when he came back she said, “It’s been a long day for Lily. She’s so restless, I think I’d better take her home. Why don’t I take the car and you can get someone to run you and Will home later?”

“Will’s tired, too. We’ll all go home.”

“He looks okay to me. Why don’t you stay?”

“Because I want to go home. With you.”

But I don’t want you there. I’m not strong enough to do this right now.
But she couldn’t say that, so she smiled and went to gather the children’s things and say her goodbyes.

The two-minute drive home—not home, Brian’s house, she reminded herself—seemed to last forever. If they hadn’t had playpens and other baby gear, they could have walked. Then she could have left without him and wouldn’t be sitting in the car next to him, torturing herself with memories of the night before. She’d be sitting at Brian’s house, alone, torturing herself.

Once they went inside Brian asked, “Do you want me to put Lily to bed for you? You could go lie down.”

“No, of course not. I’m fine.”

He searched her face but he didn’t push her. “I’ll put Will to bed, then.”

Will held his arms out to Faith. “Mama.”

She didn’t say anything, she couldn’t. Instead she gave Lily to Brian and took Will from him. The baby’s chubby arms came around her neck and he snuggled his head against her. Afraid she’d cry, she turned her back to Brian, kissed Will’s cheek and put her hand on the back of his adorable little head and whispered that she loved him.

When she turned back around she saw Brian kiss Lily’s cheek before handing her back to Faith. “I think the little princess is tired. She nearly fell asleep on my shoulder in the time it took you to say good-night to Will.”

“I think we’re all tired,” she said, and took Lily to her room.

Finally, she couldn’t delay any longer. She didn’t think Brian would leave this until morning. Maybe it would be better to get it over with now. He was waiting for her when she walked into the den. She stopped by the Christmas tree, the tree they’d decorated together.

He walked over and took her in his arms. She didn’t resist. She wanted to kiss him. Soon enough, she’d kiss him for the last time and walk out of his life.

He kissed her. Long, slow and tender. He lifted his mouth from hers and started into her eyes. “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

She moved away from him, wrapping her arms around herself and stood facing the tree, not him, because she couldn’t say what she had to say if she looked at him.

“This afternoon I went out to the aviary to tell you and Jay dinner was ready. I overheard something I realize you didn’t intend for me to hear. But I did hear.” And would never be able to forget it. She turned to him then.

“You heard me talking to Jay. Damn it! Faith, I didn’t mean to hurt—”

She interrupted. “Don’t, Brian. Don’t try to explain. Just…don’t.”

Ignoring her words, he went to her and put his arms around her. For a moment she resisted, but then she let herself lean against him, her cheek against his chest. How could she still feel comforted being in his arms?

He spoke softly, over her head. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I would never have said…what I said if I’d known you were listening.”

“Why? It’s how you feel. You were being honest with your brother. You’re not in love with me. It’s just my bad luck that I happen to be in love with you.”

“Don’t say that.” He raised her chin up and kissed her before gazing into her eyes. “Faith, I care about you. I want to spend time with you. To make love to you. Can’t that be enough for now?”

She looked up at him, wishing she were a different woman. “No. Not for me. I’m sorry, Brian. I was stupid to ever think it could be. Stupid not to realize…” Not to realize that he would never love her. She moved out of his arms. “I can’t be with you again.”

“So we’re going to live here, be around each other all the time and never make love again? How is that going to work? I had a hard enough time keeping my hands off you before we made love.”

“It won’t work,” she said flatly. “That’s why I’m quitting.”

He stared at her in disbelief. “Quitting? You’re leaving? Leaving Will and me? How can you leave?”

“How can I not? Do you really think I can stay here knowing your feelings—” Her voice broke and she turned away.

“You can’t quit. Will loves you. Have you thought about what this will do to him? He’s lost his mother and now you’re going to leave him after he’s become so attached to you? He’s just a baby. You can’t leave him like this.”

“Will has you. You’re his father. He’ll be all right. He’ll forget me soon enough.” Just as his father would.

“He won’t forget. He loves you,” Brian repeated stubbornly.

But Brian didn’t and that said it all.

When she didn’t speak, Brian said hesitantly, “Faith, I care about you.”

“I know you do. But it’s not enough. Will loves me, that’s true. But how does Will’s father feel about me?”

He hesitated, then said, “I’ve told you I care about you.”

“Caring isn’t the same as loving.” She wished she could believe that if she stayed Brian might come to love her. But she didn’t believe it. “Brian, it’s not so much that you don’t love me right now. But that you don’t believe you ever will. You don’t want to, do you?”

“Why do you have to analyze everything? Why can’t we be together and enjoy ourselves? Do we have to map out the rest of our lives just because we went to bed together?”

And there was her answer. “I’ll stay until you find someone to replace me. But that’s all I can do.”

“I can’t believe you’re doing this. At least think about what you’re doing. Don’t make a decision like this now, when you’re upset.”

“I won’t change my mind, Brian. I’ll start looking for my replacement tomorrow.”

“Faith, don’t. You’re making a mistake.”

“No.” She shook her head. “My mistake was thinking I could live here with you and not fall in love with you and your son. My mistake was believing that if I loved you enough, you would love me, too. And my biggest mistake was going to bed with you and thinking it could mean as much to you as it did to me. But quitting? That’s the only thing I’ve done recently that’s been right.”

“You’re wrong, Faith. Last night wasn’t just about sex for me. Last night meant something to me.”

“Maybe. But it didn’t mean enough.” She turned and walked out of the room.

Brian stared after her. How could she leave him? How could she say she loved him one moment and plan to walk out of his life and his son’s life the next?

Faith wasn’t different. She was just like every other important woman in his life. Loving him hadn’t stopped his sister from leaving home. And it hadn’t stopped his mother from abandoning him. Love was a joke. It meant nothing, nothing more than the words.

Yeah, Faith loved him all right. Just not enough to stay.

T
HE VERY NEXT DAY
Faith had taken Lily and moved to a hotel. Nothing Brian said had changed her mind. Of necessity, she left their furniture at the house, but she was firm that was only until she found another place to live. The following four days had been the longest of Brian’s life. The nights were even longer and more intolerable. Every night after Faith fed the children, she and Lily left for the hotel. There were no dinners together, no playing with the babies or just hanging out watching TV. The feeling of loss was a sharp pain that only grew worse. The house was quiet. Empty. Lonely.

But two could play her game, he decided. In an effort to avoid Faith during the day, he went to work at Jay’s clinic, putting in the new computer system. He couldn’t avoid her continually, though, especially when she kept calling him to come home to interview nannies. He’d told her to screen them and then call him and he’d see the promising ones. Every stinking day she called him with another one she insisted he interview himself. So far she’d found four and he’d turned down every blessed one of them.

He was sick of interviewing nannies. He had the perfect one and Faith knew it as well as he did.

Damn it, he didn’t want a new nanny. Maybe if he stonewalled long enough, Faith would get over her snit. The more he thought about it, the angrier it made him. She was all bent out of shape because Brian hadn’t told her he loved her. But he’d made it clear that he cared about her. She was being ridiculous, expecting too much too soon.

His phone rang right on cue. Faith, of course. “What?” he snarled.

“I found another one. Her references are excellent. I think she might be the one for the job. Can you come interview her in an hour?”

“I’m trying to work here, Faith.” And he didn’t intend to hire her anyway. She could be Mary freaking Poppins and he wouldn’t hire her.

“So am I. I’ll expect you in an hour,” she said and hung up. He stared at the phone in his hand. Damn, didn’t the woman ever listen to him? Hadn’t he told her he was busy? Too busy to go interview a goddamn nanny he was goddamn sure wouldn’t suit him.

A little over an hour later, he stalked into the house. Faith was in the living room with the newest applicant and the babies. He could hear the women talking. But all he really saw was Faith, sitting on the couch where she belonged.

He walked in and watched the two women. Lily was playing on a pallet and Will sat in the hopeful applicant’s lap. The woman was young, pretty, with dark hair and blue eyes. His son was laughing. Obviously the kid wasn’t discriminating. Of course, he didn’t realize the woman he thought of as his mother was leaving him.

“I’m here,” he snapped. “I don’t have much time so let’s get started.”

Faith introduced them and they shook hands, then he sat down and started firing questions at the woman. She had the right answers, he’d give her that. And she didn’t seem too disconcerted by his manner, which he had cultivated specifically to scare off the prospective nannies. Maybe Faith had warned her. Faith, naturally, was frowning at him, but she held her tongue.

After a while, he’d had enough. Why was he wasting his and this woman’s time? “Did Faith tell you why she was quitting?”

“No. No, she didn’t.” Looking puzzled, she turned to Faith. “Is it something I need to know?”

“Brian, what are you doing? That has nothing—”

He interrupted her. “Faith is leaving because she thinks I’m a lech. She doesn’t want to stick around because she’s afraid I’ll hit on her. Which I have. And almost certainly will again.”