The Christmas Tree Guy (33 page)

“I don’t want to lose you, but I can’t stand in your way, Quinn. I won’t do it. I won’t let you give up your dreams for us.”

“Sydnee?”

She could see the shock from her response in his eyes and she blinked back tears. She knew he cared about her, but she just couldn’t let him give this up because of her. “I don’t want to wake up years from now knowing you resent us for not choosing to advance your career. I don’t want that.” She turned away before he could see the tears in her eyes.

She could feel Quinn’s eyes boring through her. “I wouldn’t, Syd.”

“You don’t know that.”

“And you don’t know that I would!” He shot back a response so quickly she knew he hadn’t really thought any of this through. He couldn’t give up his chance like this for her. She wouldn’t let him.

“I don’t want to take that chance,” she quickly wiped at her cheek as a tear escaped and rolled down her face.

“Syd, what are you saying?” He walked over and, taking her arm, gently turned her to face him. She slowly lifted her damp eyes to see the enormous amount of pain in his eyes and it was almost unbearable.

“Quinn. Neither of us ever really stopped to think about this. The only thing we could focus on was each other. And how wonderful it is to spend time together.” She’d had no clue things would be this hard. With their different backgrounds, and no one seemingly wanting them to be together, the odds were just about insurmountable. “Everyone keeps spouting off the negative almost instantly about us. I don’t want to live my life like that.”

“We don’t have to live our lives like that. Why should we let what others say or think dictate how we feel about each other?”

“It shouldn’t, but it does.” She took a deep breath, trying to gain the courage she needed. This wasn’t going to be easy but she had to let him know what was going through her mind. She sauntered to the railing and looked out into the darkness. “I didn’t tell you this, but…my mother has practically disowned me at this point.”

“What?” She could feel his presence as he moved to stand beside her. If only to just be held in his arms and told that everything would be okay. If things could be that simple.

“My mother hasn’t spoken to me since she left.”

“You told me she left because of a family issue. What happened?”

Sydnee offered a small smile through tears. “You happened. My mother is a strong woman. She’s been through a lot and she still holds onto a lot of hurt and pain she’s experienced being a black woman in the South. I’m not making excuses or anything. She’s had her experiences and her feelings are well founded. She can’t get past the color differences and she thinks our relationship is going to cause nothing but pain for me and the boys.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

She clasped her hands together and shrugged. “I didn’t know how. It’s not easy to tell your significant other your mother doesn’t like him because he’s white. Especially after how welcoming and wonderful your family was to me.”

Lifting her chin to look him in the eye, Quinn watched her with that same sincerity and caring he always did and it nearly broke her in half. His affection and kindness to her was unbelievable. “Syd, I promise. I am not in this to hurt you.”

“I know. No one ever starts out that way. But, I can’t do this. I need my mom. I love her and I need my boys to know their family. Since she’s stopped talking to me, she doesn’t have any communication with them.” Sydnee’s tears streamed down her face filled with the pain of being so far removed from her mother. “They already have been through so much. And now with Matt just showing up and my mother not talking to them, or me, they’re confused. I can’t. I can’t risk them losing any more family.”

Quinn stared at her for a moment before his glance diverted to the patio floor. They were both silent and she knew he was trying to grasp the concept of what she was telling him. Finally he dropped his hands to his sides as he stood in front of her. “So, you’re saying you don’t want to be with me anymore?” His eyes popped up to meet hers.

“I’m saying maybe… maybe my mother was right. This isn’t going to work,” she breathed deeply.

“Look, Syd, I’m sorry, okay. I just wasn’t prepared to hear Travis say Matt kissed you, all right? He comes back here and he’s inserting himself into your life and I just keep thinking about all of the things you told me about him. He’s hurt you and the boys too much already. Can you blame me for being overprotective of the people I care about?” He ran his hand across her cheek to wipe away the tears with the pad of his thumb.

“Quinn, I was a fool to think this could work anyway. Think about it. You’re young and you have a whole lifetime ahead of you that doesn’t really include an instant-made family. You have an opportunity of a lifetime staring you in the face. I just think maybe it’s best if we cut our losses now.” It was the only way. She couldn’t ask him to stay with her and there was no way she could be with him and have her mother in her life.

“You’re serious? After all of this? Letting me get to know Charlie and Travis? Spending time together and now you just want to throw it away?” She couldn’t look him in the eye anymore. It was too unbearable for her. She could only imagine his heart was breaking as much as her own.

“I don’t know what else to do, Quinn. I’m losing friends and family. And you deserve a chance to live your life.”

“Sydnee, I want you to be my life,” he took her face in his hands, forcing her to look at him. “I want to be with you.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying,” she shook her head loose from his grasp. “This isn’t what you want.”

“It is what I want-”

“You want to live a life where we’re isolated from everyone because no one wants to see us together? You want to live a life where we’re constantly on display because everyone wants to gawk at us like we’re the prize exhibit in a museum?” Quinn stood staring at her and she pressed her hand to his chest. She could feel his heart beating through the material of his shirt. It was such a big heart and she knew she’d received a place in it. She also knew she couldn’t continue on with the relationship because both of their hearts would get broken eventually. “I don’t. I don’t want to put you or Charlie and Travis in those situations. There’s just too much at stake. I thought I could convince my mother to see how good you are, but it’s not going to happen if she won’t even talk to me. Quinn, I don’t want anyone but you, but I can’t lose the person who’s been there for me my entire life.”

“Believe me, I don’t want to do anything to come between you and your mother. That was never my intention, Syd.”

“I know, Quinn. It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. It’s just the way it is.” She walked away, looking up at the moonlit sky wishing everything in her life could just be simple. “I wish things could be different, but there’s just too much there; too much to deal with.” It was. There was every conceivable outside barrier and she didn’t even want to think about the constant torment she was dealing with concerning disappointing her mother. She wanted to be with Quinn more than anything, but she also wanted her mother’s love and acceptance, and if she continued this relationship, she would be even further away from getting it.

“A life without you in it isn’t the life I want.” His pleading eyes were enough to break her heart. She could see the pain in his eyes and she knew she was hurting him, but she just had no other choice.

“Don’t you see there are too many differences?”

“Syd, the only differences are the color of our skin, our age and the fact I’m a man and you’re a woman. That’s it. Other than that, we’re just two people who care about one another. That’s all that matters.” He was trying his best to convince her they could be together, but it was hopeless. It couldn’t work and she knew it.

“I can’t do this.” Her voice cracked and she could no longer fight the sweeping wave of emotion churning beneath the surface. She had to let him go. “I can’t. I can’t sit here every day wondering what’s going to come and destroy our relationship, or if someone else is going to have a problem with us. I can’t worry about holding you back and if I’m messing up my children’s abilities to distinguish if they can trust someone or not. I can’t do this.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“No. Quinn. I think it’s best if we just stop,” she looked at him through rivers of tears. The next few words to trickle out of her mouth were the hardest she’d ever had to utter. “Please. Just go.”

“Syd,” Quinn reached out to her. “Please, don’t do this?”

“No, don’t,” her voice barely sounded like her own as she fought back the anguish of knowing they could never be together. She hugged her arms to her chest and turned from his gaze. Sydnee hated doing this to him, but if she continued their relationship, she would end up hurting him even more by holding him back from the success he was destined to become. She also didn’t want to one day wake up and have him walk away from her and the boys like Matt did. She just couldn't handle that.

He stared at her for what seemed like an eternity. It was as if the world had stopped rotating on its axis. There was no sound, no nothing. Just a chasm quickly forming between them. She kept her eyes diverted from his retreating figure as he quietly walked past her into the house to grab his keys and head out the front door. As the door shut behind him, Sydnee closed her eyes and stood crying on the patio. She kept telling herself it was for the best, but why didn’t her heart feel the same way?

“Are you okay?” Sara sat down in the chair across from Sydnee. “I’ve been missing you at the gym and you aren’t returning calls. What’s going on, Syd?”

“I’ve just been really busy.” Sydnee knew it was a lie, but she knew as soon as she told Sara the truth she was going to get an earful from her. She had avoided everyone since the last night she saw Quinn. It was hard trying to explain to the boys why they hadn’t seen him. And she just wasn’t up to explaining to anyone why she’d pushed him away. The longer she didn’t say anything, the less it felt real.

“You’re lying. Syd, what’s going on?” Before Sydnee could speak up, she looked up to see Mina heading their way. It had taken some time, but she’d finally relented and agreed to meet Mina and Sara for lunch. Sydnee was still wary of talking to Mina after hearing her true feelings at the Christmas party months ago.

“Hi, ladies,” Mina offered in a soft sweet voice. Sydnee could tell she was still in apologetic mode and it suited her just fine. As far as she was concerned, even though she wasn’t with Quinn anymore, Mina wasn’t totally off the hook. Both women said hello and Mina sat down turning quickly to Sydnee. “It’s really good to see you. Thanks for agreeing to lunch.”

“Sure,” Sydnee nodded, and Sara started right back in on her.

“Syd, what’s going on? Matt’s back and now you and Quinn aren’t hanging out.” Sydnee turned to look at her with wide eyes. She hadn’t told her about Quinn, so how did she know?

“What? Matt’s back?” Mina asked, looking at Sydnee with a slight smile on her face.

“Matt is not back in my life. He’s just trying to mend his relationship with our kids,” Sydnee shared, tilting her head at Sara and wishing she’d never brought it up, especially in front of Mina.

“Well, that’s great. Right? I mean, now you two can work on things and get back together,” Mina added, taking a sip of her water.

“No it’s not. He’s being the same old Matt. Manipulative, conniving and selfish,” Sara added, turning to Mina. “Sydnee doesn’t need him in her life. He’s never appreciated her for who she is.”

“Okay, both of you just stop.” Sydnee said. Her head was swimming with everything going on. She missed Quinn more than she thought she would and it was almost like she could feel her emotions warring with one another. When she closed her eyes, she saw him, but heard her mother’s nagging voice telling her it would never work. She couldn’t sleep, she didn’t feel like eating and now she didn’t want to listen to her friends fighting over the same thing. “Yes, Matt is working on his relationship with his children. No, Quinn and I are not seeing one another anymore and neither of you really know what I’m going through right now. So can we talk about something else?”

“No, we can’t. What happened?”

“I broke it off with him,” Sydnee relented. Obviously, Sara was not going to let it go and she just didn’t have the fight in her anymore.
      

“Are you serious? Why?” Sara sat forward reaching out and taking Sydnee’s hand in hers. Sara was such a good friend and Sydnee could tell she truly cared about her.

“Sara, I couldn’t do it anymore. I can’t keep being selfish and wanting to keep him here when he has such an opportunity to further his career and reach the goals he’s set for himself.”

“The job opportunity?”

“Yes.”

“So, he told you?”

“I kind of forced him to.” Sydnee proceeded to explain about the argument she and Quinn had over a week ago and the events that led up to it.

“Matt is such an ass. I knew that snake was going to cause problems. Sydnee, I cannot believe you guys are through just like that. Quinn made you happy. I’ve never seen you as happy as you were with him. How could you let Matt come between you?”

“Sara, it wasn’t just Matt. I have to think about my children and what I could potentially be doing to them. Hell, who knows, I’ve probably already screwed them up more than a little bit.” Sydnee poked at the salad sitting in front of her before she lay the fork down, clasping her hands in her lap. Sara didn’t have to remind her how happy she was with Quinn. The misery she’d been in for the last week since she’d made him leave was enough of a reminder and she just wanted it to stop. And now her children were miserable because she’d pushed the man who’d come in and been there for them away.