The Clitoral Truth: The Secret World at Your Fingertips (17 page)

Thus, sex, which is normally initiated and concluded within five to fifteen minutes, may last anywhere from thirty to forty minutes to

two or three hours. The idea is that both partners will reach the point of satiation, beyond which they cannot go further. This satiation certainly won’t happen every time.

Not to worry: Quickies still have their place. But given that sex has a special place in modern relationships, and is perceived by many as a healthy and emotionally rewarding recreational activity, why not put forth the effort to make it more worthwhile?

LEARNING EJACULATORY CONTROL

By the time men are out of their teens, many are psychologically and physically conditioned to go for orgasm, and some may initially have trouble modifying this pattern. At first, some men may even experience the loss of erection as they pass their usual time frame for ejaculation, and this may cause feelings of panic and an unwillingness to learn to postpone it. In this case, it might be useful to practice alone, perhaps for a few months, before trying this technique with a partner. For men who find new patterns too difficult to master alone, there are teachers of Tantra or Tao all over the country who can provide expert help, one-on-one, or through workshops (see Resources). The Body Electric School also has a wide range of workshops designed to help men learn ejaculatory control and explore full-body sexual response.

A man’s ability to control and postpone ejaculation is the key to longer and more satisfying sex. There are a number of strategies that

men can use to accomplish this and they all hark directly back to early Taoist and Tantric sexual techniques. To avoid going too far too quickly, it’s essential to vary the type and amount of stimulation of the penis. If you are using hands, lighten up and use the tongue, or rub the penis against the thigh for less intense stimulation. Fantasize for a bit. Measured breathing can also help control the heart rate, which rises as ejaculation approaches, and contracting the pelvic floor muscles (the ones that can stop the flow of urine) may temporarily disrupt the intensity of nerve signals that lead to ejaculation. Squeezing the penis at its base or pressing firmly on the perineum and pulling the testicles down and away from the body are other techniques that can interrupt or modulate the escalation of nerve impulses. During intercourse, men should try to stop thrusting until the urge to ejaculate passes. There is no right or wrong way to postpone ejaculation. It is critical that men avoid the approach of the “moment of ejaculatory inevitability,” when he can no longer avoid orgasm.

Most experts agree that spectacular sex isn’t something that just happens, but rather is consciously cultivated. Under the male- centered, heterosexual model of sexuality, men feel a sense of failure if they can’t “get it up,” “get it in,” and “get off” But according to the Tantric and Taoist models, men are considered failures when they don’t put their partner’s pleasure first and provide the types of stimulation that lead to her sexual satisfaction. Early sexuality

manuals offer detailed advice on how a man can tell if he is pleasing his partner: she lifts her body, she is panting, her perspiration is copious, her face flushes, her voice is shaking, she can’t speak, her expression looks bewitched, or as the Taoist master Wu Hsien notes, “the pulses of her vulva become noticeable and her secretions are flooding.” These are signs of a of a woman in the throes of full- blown sexual response, a state that is not easily achieved for many women under the intercourse model. Wu precisely observed that women are “slow to be aroused/But also slow to be satiated.”

DISCOVERING NEW EROTIC POSSIBILITIES

Betty Dodson’s Bodysex seminars evolved from a series of consciousness raising groups focused on women’s sexuality that she facilitated in the early 19070s. In the earliest groups, women shared their frustrations, uncertainties, and questions about sexuality. After a while, Dodson decided to teach “masturbation by demonstration” to allow women to see a real female orgasm. The demonstration was so successful that it became a regular feature of the workshops. In these sessions, women undressed; explored and admired their bodies and genitals; learned masturbatory techniques, anal massage, and erotic massage; and ultimately performed the female version of the “circle jerk,” reveling in self-discovery and liberation from the secrecy and taboos surrounding female sexuality. The Bodysex groups become legendary and provided the model for the modern

experiential workshop. In 1990, after doing Bodysex workshops across the country for twenty years, Dodson made a breakthrough video of a workshop to more widely distribute the information and experience of participating in a session (see Resources). Today she does private sex coaching, occasional advanced workshops for sex therapists and manages her informative Web site (see Resources).

IDIVIDUAL SEX COACHING

Sue, a manger in a large global corporation and twice divorced, is fifty three years old. She decided that she would like to have an outstanding sex life without a partner so that she could have more satisfying sex with a partner when the opportunity arrives. Sue took and individual two-hour coaching session from Dodson, and found the experience to be transformative:

Until now, I had only masturbated by tensing up m y whole body, holding my breath, and holding my arm across my stomach (which I now know blocked the flow of sexual energy that moves up and through the entire body). I used this same posture when my lovers would manually bring me to orgasm. It was very helpful to have Betty imitate this “stiff posture” I had used for orgasm for forty years. She showed me how I would look if I were dancing with that posture. Egads! It was helpful to see a visual representation of how I have suppressed my sexual energy all these years.

THE ROOTS OF TAO AND TANTRA

Taoism grew out of prehistoric pagan cultures in China whose worldview focused on the interconnectedness of humans and the natural world, and the mystical relationships between them. “Tao” means “the way,” and the basic assumption underlying this belief system is that body and soul are infused with *chi.” or energy, which moves one along the path toward harmony with nature and ultimately, immortality. According to the Tao, ‘chi’ consists of ‘yin,’ female attributes, complemented by “yang,” the male essence. Both elements are present in women and men. Sex is a sacred rite that permits the union of yin and yang, and prolonged ecstatic sexual activity circulates chi to the higher centers of the heart and the brain, enabling mortals to find the way to the divine.

The roots of Tantra, the ancient Eastern Indian spiritual tradition, can be traced to goddess-worshiping cults in the Sumer region. Their beliefs centered on the celebration of the ebb and flow of the seasons, reincarnation, the veneration of animals, and the powerful but occult interconnections between the natural world and the cosmos. Sexuality was seen as the means to access these mystical connections and unravel the enigmas of the universe. Yoga, especially kundalini (female energy), was originally highly sexual in nature and its complex rituals were designed to enable humans to transcend earthly existence and become one with the divine.

While Tantra flourished in India, goddess worship was gradually replaced by authoritarian male deities in Greek, Hebraic, and Islamic cultures. Earlier cults venerated women and viewed sexuality as a sacred ritual that revealed the divine in each person, but the new between the body and the spirit. At the heart of this dualistic philosophy is the concept that we are born as a result of sex, which is

innately sinful and consequently must spend our lives striving for forgiveness for this “original sin.” Sex is perceived to be a dangerous part of our humanity that marks us with a blot that can only be erased or forgiven after death. This deeply colors how we look at sexuality today.

Interest in Tantra and Taoism has waxed and waned in Western culture since the Middle Ages, and various elements have been interpreted and adapted by many practitioners over time. Radical therapists and philosophers fled Europe during World War II, and many settled in California, where they employed various aspects of these belief systems in the foundation of the human potential movement in the United States. The Beat generation of the 1950s delved into Eastern mysticism and challenged the rigid social and sexual standards of the day, helping to pave the way for the sexual revolution of the 1960s.

Nik Douglas, a leading scholar of Tantra, recalls the fascination with Asian mysticism in the sixties. Tantric symbols appeared everywhere, on T-shirts, buttons, posters, and on record albums.

Mandalas appeared on pop concert posters. Tantric art designs were painted on several of the Beatles’ cars. Jimi Hendrix had Tantric Yantra diagrams painted on his guitar and on his cheeks.” Yet Douglas notes that the 1960s’ version of Tantric sexuality was essentially male- focused, promising ‘enhanced sexual potency for men, of hour long orgasms or ecstasies for him.” Douglas asserts that it was not until the flowering of the New Age movement in the 1980s that “women started to take up the challenge that Tantra teachings so radically promoted: the role of woman as the embodiment of the Great Goddess, sexually liberated and multiorgasmic.”

Betty recommended setting up and inviting environment, using candles, which produce a delicious soft touch and music which promotes fantasies and encourages movement. I had always used “mood” music, but I guess I’ve been in a rut all these years in that respect also. She also suggested keeping the musical beat varied and including some more intense rhythms to enhance mood and movement during the session and I was surprised at the great music that she provided.

Betty also encouraged the use of fantasies, which promote both the desire for sex and the intensity of the experience. One I have had is about fucking wild beasts, which may come from a childhood memory of watching dogs fuck. Another recalls when a high school boyfriend is penetrating just slightly, not really inside. In my fantasies, I could be the man (my masculine side of my personality, which all women have) or I could be the woman “desired” by a man. I’ve been into some S&M and works by A. N. Roquelaure (a pen name of vampire doyenne Anne Rice) and vampire doyenne Anne Rice) and her Beauty series. She also suggested renting pornography/erotica videos and scanning through the “story” to get to the stimulating parts. She said that many women prefer videos erotica videos and scanning through the “story”

to get to the- made for gay men, because you don’t have to sit through a “story” to get to the sexy parts. They go for the gold!

The heart of Betty’s session is genital massage oil rather than lube because it isn’t as messy, is good for your skin, and has a sexy odor. I chose Charlie Sunshine’s secret formula because I love the tantalizing smell of vanilla We started by examining my genitals and I looked at them
for the first time in my life
. Betty said that my vulva had a diamond shape and helped me appreciate the uniqueness of the visible parts. Then she showed me different types of strokes to do with my hands. One is a kind of scissor stoke in which you press the glans, shaft, and inner lips of the clitoris between two fingers pulling up and down. With the other hand, you can knead the lower abdomen just above the pubic hairline.

Essentially, you have three “events” going at once to build up muscle tension in the genitals and the rest of the body. Before you begin to masturbate, you do ten or more contractions of the PC muscles, tensing only the genital area, not the abdomen or the buttocks. Then you take some long, slow breaths, sucking your breath in like you are sipping hot tea and making “ah...ha...” sounds as you exhale.

Then you add the “pelvic rock,” sort of rolling the pelvis back ward and forth without lifting your butt off the floor. You can also try making circles with your pelvis, or any other motion that feels good. When you are very excited you can try lifting the entire lower hack off the floor, which creates tension in the thigh area, but this is too hard to sustain for the whole session. Betty changed the type/tempo of the music to go with different “beats.” The idea is to loosen up and have fun using varied types of stimulation to keep sexual tension from exploding too fast. Combining all three movements, PC muscle contractions, rhythmic breathing, and pelvic rocking builds up so much more sexual energy and sends it through the entire body. Amazing! The emphasis is on pleasure rather than on orgasm, which ends up being a whole new experience!!!