The Color Of Her Panties (33 page)

They wove the threadlike twine into a harness that fit about Che's body.

Then they made a smaller harness at the other end of the silken line for the cat.  Now the two were firmly linked.  Che flicked himself several times with his tail, making himself so light he almost floated, but he did not try to fly.  “I am ready,” he announced.

Jenny put the cat down on the floor.  “Sammy, where is there a female creature who can and will be Gwenny's champion?” she asked.  “Who can be safely reached by one of us?“ It was a good thing she had remembered to add that last.

The cat took off.  Che found himself being hauled along, bumping the floor and walls.  But he was so light that the bumps were not uncomfortable.  They were zooming through the goblin tunnels, then out of the mountain and away to the south.  Where were they going?  Not the way they had before, when they sought the Nameless Castle.

Then he remembered something he had forgotten:  to ask Godiva Goblin to make a better skirt for Mela Merwoman.  Oh, well; maybe he would be back at Goblin Mountain soon, and could do it then.

Soon they were passing the elf territory.  A startled band of Flower Elves stared as they whizzed by the Elf Elm.

That reminded Che of the strangeness of Jenny Elf, with her pointed ears, four-fingered hands, and huge size.  For the normal Xanth elf was a quarter the height of a human being, while Jenny was more than half human height, matching or slightly exceeding goblin stature.  She had come from a world unlike Xanth, and might someday return to it.  After she completed her service to the Good Magician.

That reminded him of something else.  He had been the closest of friends with Jenny for two years, ever since she had accidentally crossed into Xanth while following Sammy.  She had been a great comfort to him in his time of need, and a great companion since then, along with Gwenny Goblin.  He privately hoped that she would never return to her World of Two Moons.  But even if she did not, there was something that was bound to separate them.

For the three of them were growing up.  Already they had been inducted into the Adult Conspiracy, and had acted to enforce it on the obnoxious Gobble Goblin.  As adults, they would have to start going their own separate ways, for that was the way of adults.

So Jenny's year of service would be only the start of the separation.

Their idyllic juvenile association was doomed by one thing or another.

That was the tragedy of becoming adult.  Perhaps someday he would understand where it was written that compatible childhood associations should be sundered in favor of new associations with adult strangers.

Darkness was closing.  It had been late when they returned to Goblin Mountain, and it was later now.  Che would rather have retired for the night.  But he had to do what he could to help Gwenny.  Because if she did not win that final challenge, she would be dead, and the hope for a kinder, gentler goblin tribe would be gone.  It was his destiny to change the course of the history of Xanth, and this seemed like the way to do it.  For this would eliminate the scourge of the goblins in one region of Xanth, and perhaps sow the seed of a change in other goblin tribes.

Goblins were, taken as a whole, one of Xanth's worst scourges, along with dragons, tangle trees, and individual menaces such as Fracto the cloud and Com-Pewter and the Demoness Metria.  So it would be well worthwhile to change the nature of the goblins.

They passed through the land of the dragons.  Actually, all Xanth was the land of dragons, but they were especially thick here.  Che couldn't see them, because it was dark, but he could see their plumes of fire.  It seemed that several dragons were toasting a cloud that had tried to sneak in under cover of night.  Clouds could be very foolish.

He was bumping worse, and realized that some of his weight had seeped back, as it did with time.  He flicked himself again, lightening up.

Then Sammy leaped into a void.  It was the Gap Chasm!

What was the fool cat up to?

But Che's lightened body now served as a brake, so that the cat did not fall at full speed.  They descended to the depth of the chasm, Sammy landing neatly on his four paws and Che hardly touching.  Then they were off across the floor of the chasm.  It was a good thing that the Gap Dragon didn't hunt at night.  Che was probably safe, but Sammy Cat might have been chomped.

The cat found some sort of path and bounded up the other side.  Che kept himself light so that he wouldn't pull Sammy off the steep slope.  Near the top, Che judged, they plunged into a deep cave.  This was amazing!

He was sure that Gwenny didn't have any friends under the ground.

On and on they went, through caves and passages and caverns.  At one point they even hurdled a subterranean river.  Sammy couldn't be looking for one of the callicantzari, could he?  Or a demon?  Neither of those types would care to support anything like decency in the goblin succession.

At last they came to much larger caverns, illuminated by glowing fungi.

Sammy bounded to a chamber set in the wall of this region, and came to a sleeping serpent.

He stopped.

“This is it?” Che asked.  “This big snake?”

The snake woke.  It looked at them.  Then it formed a lovely human female head, without changing the rest ot its body.  “Why Che and Sammy!” the head said.  “Whatever brings you here?”

“Nada Naga!“ Che exclaimed.  Suddenly it made sense.

This was one formidable female creature who had an interest in better goblin relations.  The naga folk had even made an alliance with the human folk to help contain the goblin menace to their own tunnels.  That was how Nada had once gotten herself betrothed to Prince Dolph.  “We need your help.”

Quickly he explained.  Nada's human head nodded.  “I see your need, Che, and I would really like to help, but I have another commitment.  I must devote my full energy to rehearsing for the Xanth Game that the Muse of History is about to write about.  If I took time away from that, I might not do as good a job, and if something should happen to me they would have to train a whole new companion, and that would be awkward.”

“Companion?” he asked, a bit blankly.  “I am Gwenny Goblin's companion.”

“Yes, that's the same type of thing.  As you know, it is not necessarily an easy thing to be.  You wouldn't take a day off from being Gwenny's companion, would you?”

“No!” For he had agreed, and a centaur never went back on his word.  “But it is to save Gwenny that I am here.  We need a female to fight for her, so that she can be chief, and Sammy led me here to you.  If you can't do it, she won't be chief, and the goblins will kill her, and Gobble will be chief, and they'll be worse than ever.”

“Oh, we can't have that,” she said.  “Believe me, Che, I do want to help, and ordinarily I would, because the goblins are a worse bane to my kind than to your kind.

But I am under contract to the demons, and I must fulfill it.  However, Sammy did not lead you falsely.  I can refer you to one who should be able to help you more effectively than I could, if you can answer one question.”

“What question is that?”

“Why do you seek a female to help Gwenny?”

“Because no goblin male will help her, so it has to be-” He paused, realizing his error.  “Oh, this is horribly embarrassing!  I made an uncentaurly assumption!

It doesn't have to be female.  We're not looking for a goblin, but any creature who is capable and willing to support Gwenny's cause.”

Nada smiled.  She was lovely when she did that, even with her serpentine torso.  In fact, she was lovely when she did anything.  Gwenny Goblin was quite pretty, and Mela Merwoman was physically luscious, for all that he was to young to notice, but Nada was beautiful.  It was easy- .o appreciate why Prince Dolph had loved her, even at a young age.  “So my brother, Naldo, should serve your need.”

“Naldo!” Che said, seeing it.  Naldo Naga was trained in combat, and had even directed the defense of Goblin Mountain when it had been under siege by the winged monsters.  He was no friend of the goblins, but there was an ancient convention that united the ground monsters against the winged monsters, and he had honored it.  He knew Gwenny and her mother, Godiva, personally, and he certainly wanted the goblins to reform themselves.

“Where is he?”

Sammy bounded off.  But Che stretched out his hands and caught the sides of the chamber door.  The spider cable went taut, holding the cat back.

“I didn't say to find him, Sammy!  “ he said.  “I was asking Nada.“

Then, to her:  “You see, we used up much of the night getting here, and our champion has to be there at noon tomorrow.  If we go searching all over Xanth for him, we may be too late for Gwenny.”

“Perhaps I can arrange help,” she said.  Then, to the air:  “Professor Grossclout, may I disturb you a moment?  “

A horrendous demon appeared.  “What mush-head dares disturb my repose!“ he thundered.  Then he looked into Nada's beautiful face.  “Oh, it's you, my dear.” Che realized that Nada's perfect features had the power to soothe even the worst of demons.  That was fortunate.

“Professor,” Nada said winsomely, “my friends Che Centaur and Sammy Cat need to be transported quickly to my brother, Naldo, because-”

Grossclout gestured negligently.  Suddenly Che and Sammy were in a dragon's nest.  A dragon and a naga were rolling bones in some kind of game.  Such games were notorious; they could last for days and nights, and this one seemed to be no exception.

The dragon's near eye widened as he spied Che.  “I'm a winged monster, and so are you!” Che said quickly.

“Why, hello, Che,” the naga said.  He was Naldo, of course.  “Draco won't eat you.  After all, he knows you and is sworn to protect you.  It is obvious that you are here on some sort of business.  Or did you come to join the game?“

That was right!  It had been several years since Draco had visited the winged centaur family, and dragons tended to look somewhat alike to Che, but now he recognized the firedrake.  He quickly explained, again.

“Yes, certainly, I will be Gwendolyn's champion,” Naldo said.  “I shall be glad to facilitate the succession of the first female goblin chief.”

He glanced at the bones.

“But first I must finish my game here.”

“But the champion must be there by noon!”

“Never fear, I'll be there.  Goblin Mountain is not all that far from here, and I can travel rapidly in my large serpent form.  Just put out a direction sign indicating exactly where the match is to occur, and I will appear promptly at noon.”

“Thank you,” Che said.  “I will return now with the good news.  How do I get out of this cave?” For he could see that the nest was in a closed cave, with a lake at its base.

“I will take you out and to the ground,” Naldo said.

“Hang on.”

Che got on the serpentine back and hung on as well as he could.  Naldo slithered out of the nest, down the vertical side of the cave, and into the lake.  Che held his breath, and hoped Sammy was also holding his breath as he was dragged along at the end of his tether.  In a moment they were out of the water, and in another moment out of the cave, and, then Naldo was slithering down the clifflike mountain slope to the ground.  He really knew how to travel, in this body!

“Tell them I am coming by invitation, not invasion,” Naldo said as they stood on the ground.  “So we don't start another war.”

“I'll do that,” Che agreed.

Then Naldo slithered back up the mountain, and Che set Sammy on his back and set off at a light-footed gallop to the north.  The cat could not lead the way, for they were in effect going home now from the place they had started.

Anyway, Sammy was surely very tired after his wild run past the Gap Chasm.

For that matter, Che himself was tired.  He had gotten no sleep, and he was still young enough to need it.  But he had a job to do, and he would do it.  He moved as fast as he could, never pausing, knowing the way to go.  He could rest after he got there with his message of hope.

Gwenny would be so pleased!

As dawn came, Che reached Goblin Mountain.  The sentry recognized him and let him pass.  “But after noon, you'll be horsemeat, you little winged freak,” the goblin said pleasantly.

Che went to Gwenny's suite, where Idiot stood guard.

The goblin seemed glad to see him.  “I hope you got someone good,” Idiot said. “Cause it won't be nice if Gwenny loses.“ That was surely the understatement of the day.

“I did,” Che said, and knocked on the door.  Gwenny opened it, garbed in her nightie.  “Oh, Che, you're back!” she cried, hugging him.

“Naldo Naga's coming at noon,” he gasped.  “To be your champion.  Put out a sign saying where the contest is to be.” Then he found a pile of pillows waiting for him and collapsed into them.  He was asleep almost before he landed, but knew that the girls would take care of things.

Ida was worried.  It was almost noon, and Naldo Naga had not yet shown up.  It wasn't that she didn't believe him, but that she feared that something could happen to delay him, and that would be disastrous.

The contest was to be held in the main chamber of the mountain, where there was plenty of room for both the combatants and the bloodthirsty spectators.  It was even possible for some of the lady goblins to peek in from the doorways.  Gobble's champion was already there:  a horrendous male ogre, who was gnawing on a pile of bones while he waited for the fun to begin.  Gobble had promised him a year's supply of bones if he won, and of course he expected to win.

Moron, Idiot, and Imbecile formed a tight group near Gwenny.  They were armed, now, with goblin-sized clubs, and looked ugly.  Ida knew this was because they were afraid they were going to have to use them.  But they were a pitifully small group compared to the hundreds of goblins who surrounded Gobble.

“Do you know him?” Ida asked Okra.

“No.  He is from the Ogre-Fen-Ogre Fen,” Okra replied.  “My tribe hasn't had much contact with them in the past few centuries.  I understand that they are fierce, uncivilized, and crude.  In short, the very ideal of ogredom.”

“I realize that ogres are justifiably proud of their strength, stupidity, and ugliness,” Ida said.  “It must be a horror, being of their number.” Then she paused, suffering a new idea.  “Or is it possible that your tastes could run to what is typical for your ogre kind?  Suddenly I can see the sense that would make.”

“Yes, that's the kind of male I like,” Okra said.  There had been a time when her taste was different, but she had evidently matured during her travels, and now the notion of a brute male appealed.  “But of course one like that would never notice me, because I'm not strong, stupid, or ugly.”

“Well, I must admit that you're not stupid or ugly.  But you were strong enough to bash a hole in the wall of the Nameless Castle,” Ida reminded her.

“That was because of the seed of Thyme, which gave me time to bash as long as I needed.  I couldn't do it otherwise.”

“And you breathed so hard that it stopped that dragon on the Iron Mountain,” Ida said.

“Well, then I had the madcap on.  That entirely changed my nature.  I couldn't have done it in my normal state.”

Ida nodded.  “I suppose you're right.  You don't have the qualities a regular ogre would like.  But I have to say that those same deficiencies appeal to me.”

“Too bad you're not an ogre,” Okra said, gazing longingly at the male ogre.

Noon neared and still Naldo did not appear.  Gwenny looked nervous.  “Are you sure you told him here, at noon?” she asked Che, who had dragged himself up from his slumber for this occasion.

“Yes.  You did have a sign put out for him?”

“Yes.  Moron made it.  It said CHIEF CHALLENGE-GOBLIN MOUNTAIN.”

“Let me go check that,” Mela said.

She walked away, to the crude whistles of the goblins, and some cries of “Get out of here, fish-tail!” Then her Freudian slip slipped around to flash a naughty glimpse of her panty, and the goblins went silent, freaked out.  It served them right.  Moron went with her, to show her where the sign was.  His eyes had been where they belonged, straight ahead.

“I must ask Godiva to make her a new skirt to cover both her Freudian slip and plaid panty,” Che murmured beside Ida.  She could only agree.

Gobble marched into the chamber, surrounded by his henchmen.  “Well, sis, where's your champion?” he demanded obnoxiously.

“He's on his way,” Gwenny replied.

“Well, he'd better be here at noon, or you forfeit.  Won't that be awful, ha-ha.“ And the henchmen joined him, laughing coarsely.

Mela returned.  “Someone's changed the sign!” she said indignantly.  “Now it says CHIEF CHALLENGE-MOUNT EVER-REST.”

“Mount Ever-Rest!” Gwenny exclaimed.  “But that's far away from here!”

“He must have seen the sign and slithered off to the other mountain,”

Ida said, realizing what a dastardly deed had been done.  “He can't possibly get back here in time!”

“It's another one of my brother's horrible tricks!” Gwenny said, devastated.

“But then we don't have a champion,” Jenny said.

“Noon!” Gobble cried exultantly.  “Come on, Smithereen!  Time for the bashing!”

Okra, standing beside Ida, jumped.  The jump wasn't noticed by anyone else in the general hubbub, but Ida wondered what had caused it.  So she inquired.  “Why did you jump?”

“Smithereen-that's the ogre I was to marry!  He was on his way south when I fled home.”

“Oh, then you have met him halfway.  That's nice.”

“But I ran out on him,” Okra said.  “He won't like that.

“Maybe he doesn't know, since he hasn't yet reached Lake Ogre-Chobee.”

That seemed reasonable.

The ogre crunched the last of his bone and tramped to the center of the chamber.  “Me bash, make hash!” he grunted, pounding his hairy chest with his ham fists.  Then he lifted his club from the harness on his back and waved it in the air.

Ida was disgusted.  But she noted that Okra was licking her lips.  Tastes certainly did vary!

“So where's your champion?” Gobble demanded.  “If he's not here, Smithereen gets to crunch your bones first, sis!“

The horror of it was that he wasn't joking, because it was the nature of goblin males to be awful and the nature of ogre males to eat folk.

Gwenny's life really was on the line.

“You changed the sign!” Gwenny accused him.

“So what?  So show your champion or forfeit,” Gobble said exultantly.  It was obvious that he had planned exactly what had happened.  The girls had been trusting, while the brat had cheated without hesitation.  Ida could see that it really would be better for the goblins to be ruled by a female chief.

“I'll have to do it myself,” Gwenny said bravely.  “I've got the wand, at least.”

“Hey, no wand!” Gobble cried.  “That's magic at a distance!  That's outlawed!”

“Oh, no, he's right,” Gwenny said, looking ill.

“You mean he can cheat and you can't?” Mela asked.

“I didn't catch him cheating in time,” Gwenny said.

She handed the wand to Godiva.

“No, you can't!” Jenny Elf said.  “I'll do it instead!”

She stepped out into the center.

“Hey, four-eyes is coming in!” Gobble cried.  “Only now she's bat blind instead!  What a show!”

“She can't see?” Okra asked.

“Her spectacles were lost, and she didn't have time to get new ones,” Che said.  “She can see in a special way, but that won't help her against the ogre.”

Mela glanced at Okra, sadly.  “It seems that your desire is about to be granted.  You'll be rid of Jenny Elf.”

Suddenly Okra strode forward.  She caught the elf by the collar and hauled her away from the arena.  “Get out of here, girl.  I'll do it.”

Astonished, Ida tried to protest.  “But this isn't your quarrel, Okra!

You don't care about the goblin succession, and you have good reason not to help Jenny Elf!  And you can't fight Smithereen either!  None of us can!” Yet even as she spoke, the idea was growing that maybe it was possible.

Okra bent to pick up the roc talon they had brought.

“It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it.  “ She walked out to meet Smithereen.

The male ogre stared.  “Who you?” he demanded.

“I am Okra Ogress, whom you were supposed to marry. Instead, I am going to bash you into oblivion,” Okra said.

She poked at him with the point of the talon.

It was evident that Smithereen didn't recognize the name.  He might never have been told, or he might have forgotten, since bad memory was part of ogre stupidity.

“Ho-ho!  You no O,” he said, grabbing the talon in a ham hand.  Okra was jerked off balance.  She was only half his size, and lacked muscle.  She was obviously no match for him.

Gobble and the henchmen were doubling over with laughter.  “What a silly filly!” Gobble exclaimed.

“She's no filly, she's an ogress,” Che muttered.  “And a brave and selfless one.”

Then Ida got another idea.  “The madcap, Okra!” she called.  “That's what you need!”

Okra heard.  She reached into her pack and pulled out the cap.  She jammed it on her head.

“Ho ho!” Smithereen roared.  “Fat hat!”

But Okra was changing.  Her body seemed to be growing larger and hairier, and her face uglier.  She was enraged.  “Sneer he at she?” She jerked on the talon, pulling him forward, then pounded a fist into his belly.  “Smelly belly!” she screamed.

“OOOF!  POOOF!” Smithereen gasped, surprised.  The blow had evidently had a good deal of force.

“Never underestimate the ire of an ogress scorned,” Che murmured, intrigued.

Ida's belief increased.  After all, Okra had fought the dragon.  The madcap made all the difference.  Perhaps even more so than usual, for Okra had seemed to like the ogre, and it might be reversing the power of her liking, turning it into hating.  As Che observed, women did not like to be scorned.

Now Smithereen was catching on that there was after all some opposition.

He straightened up, forming a ham fist.  He lifted his massive club, whose mass seemed to be almost as much as Okra's whole body.  He swung it viciously at her head.

But Okra stepped back and swung the talon.  It met the club and stopped it.  Ida realized that the talon itself must have magic, to enable the roc to land on the toughest surface with all her weight and not break a nail, and to hold on to whatever it touched.  It made a good weapon.

Then Okra took the offense.  She swung the talon, bashing his arm out of the way, then stabbed him in the chest with the point.  The thrust wasn't strong enough to impale him, but it did make him stagger back.

She followed up with another stab, this time at the head.

But Smithereen did know how to fight.  He swung his club around again, and when Okra countered with the talon, he reached down with his free hand and grabbed her by the hair.  He lifted her into the air.  Her cap tilted crazily, but remained in place.

“Hey, that's a foul!” Jenny Elf cried.

“There are no fouls in this type of combat,” Gwenny said morosely.  She seemed not to have phenomenal confidence in the outcome.

Okra heard that.  “No fouls?” she asked.  “I can do anything I want?”

“That's right, hair-face!” Gobble answered.  “Whatcha going to do, kiss him?” And he rolled over again with laughter, and his henchmen with him.

To a brat his age, kissing was contemptible.

Okra hauled up both knees and bashed the ogre in the chin.  He fell back, dropping her.  She landed neatly, then used the talon to stab between his legs.  She wedged it around so that it made him stumble and fall.  Then she leaned over him, taking the talon in both hands.  She was using her hidden advantage, and fighting intelligently.

Suddenly Gobble got nervous.  She was actually making a fight of it!

“Ha-ha!“ Jenny Elf cried, getting into it.  “Your ogre can't match that madcap!”

“Madcap!” Gobble exclaimed.  “That's magic!” He ran into the arena behind Okra, made a terrific leap, and grabbed the cap from her head.

“Hey!  Ida cried, outraged.  “That's cheating!  You can't interfere!

“So whatcha going to do about it, girl-face?“ the goblin brat demanded, tossing the cap to a henchman.

Without the madcap, Okra lost her furious power and initiative.  She stood there over the fallen ogre as if not knowing what to do next.  In a moment he would jump back up and pulverize her.  She couldn't even give him her asthma, because she had already given it to Hugh Mongous the monoceros.

“You can do it, Okra!” Ida cried, desperately believing.

Che could only shake his head.  Optimism was about to collide with reality.

Then Okra threw herself down on Smithereen’s body.

Her face landed on his face.  She put her mouth to his mouth.

“She's doing it!” Mela cried, astonished.  “She's kissing him!”

For a moment Smithereen lay still.  Then he threw Okra off, clambered to his feet, and opened his huge ugly mouth.  “Ugh!  Ugh!  “ he cried.  And charged out of the chamber.

The goblins gaped.  “Huh?” Gobble asked intelligently.

Then Ida caught on.  “She did what you said!“ she called.  “She kissed him!  And he couldn't stand it!  He fled!  And Okra's the winner!  She beat your champion!”

Yet Ida realized that this had been a sacrifice for Okra, because she would rather have made Smithereen like her instead of being revolted by her.  She had thrown away whatever chance she might have had to get together with him.

Gobble's mouth dropped open.  “No fair!” he cried.

But Gwenny seized the moment.  “It's fair!  There are no fouls.  She beat him by disgusting him so much he fled.

He lost and she won.  And you have lost and I have won!

Now I am chief.”

“No!” he cried despairingly.

Gwenny whirled on the henchmen.  “Now you will obey me, or be banished. Arrest Gobble!”

Stunned, the henchmen stood still.  But Moron, Idiot, and Imbecile strode eagerly forward, ready to do their duty.

“No, she's just a stupid girl!” Gobble cried, as his henchmen blocked off Gwenny's three goblins.  “You can't obey her!  Kill her!”

“Now that makes me mad,” Okra said.  She lifted the talon and strode toward Gobble.  The henchmen scattered at her approach.

“You can't be mad!” Gobble said.  “You lost the madcap.”

“I don't need the madcap to be mad at a sniveling brat like you,” Okra said.  She caught him by the collar and lifted him into the air, much as Smithereen had lifted her.

She brought the talon around.

“No!  No!” he screamed, waving his stubby arms and legs helplessly.

“Don't kill me!  Don't kill me!”

“Why not?” Okra demanded.  “You were going to kill Gwenny.”

“But she's just a stupid girl!”

“Well, so am I.  And you're just a bratty boy,” Okra retorted.  She aimed the point of the talon at his face.

Gobble burst into tears.

“This is what you want to be chief?” Okra asked the henchmen.  She let Gobble drop and turned away.

She had made her point.  One by one the henchmen turned to Gwenny.  “You are chief,” one said.  “We don't like it, but we must obey you.”