The Confession (3 page)

***John***

I step off the bus outside
of St. Matthew’s Seminary and sit on the sidewalk. I have
questioned my decision a hundred times since I left
home
and thought about walking away and disappearing from
everyone’s life. I have no idea how long I sat on the
sidewalk
when a shadow cast itself over my body. When I look up, a
priest stood before me
.

“Young man, my name is Father Joseph
Randall. Are you not well my son? Are you in need of
assistance?”

I stood to face Father
Randall. “No Father, I am not well, and I am in need of spiritual
healing. I am an alcoholic and a drug addict. My life is a mess,
and I have made the decision to walk away from that life and
dedicate myself to Our Lord.
Please,
Father, help
me.”

My legs feel like rubber and I sink to
the sidewalk. For the first time in my life, I cried. Father
Randall sat next to me and held my hand while I cried like a
baby.

“Whatever is troubling you, we can help
you. Let me help you.”

His honest and
sincere
offer touched me deeply. “I hurt someone that I love, Father.
I committed a crime. I used a drug and took advantage of the only
person I have ever loved. She left me for someone else, and
jealousy made me a bitter and vile person. The drugs are killing
me, Father. I don’t like who I have become. Please help me heal my
soul. I want to dedicate my life to Our Lord. I want to atone for
my
sin
and help those less fortunate than
myself.”

“I want to ask you a
question,” Father Randall
whispered
. “Is your decision to serve
Our Lord based on guilt, or a genuine need to dedicate yourself as
a servant of Our Lord? Please answer truthfully.”

“Yes, Father. I want to dedicate my
life to Our Lord. I want to change the direction of my life.” I
have one chance to purge my body and soul of the evil that consumes
me. With a new sense of resolve, I follow Father Randall into the
seminary, and this is the first day of the beginning of my new
life.

“Have a seat John. I wish to talk to
you.”

I sit in front of Father Randall’s desk
and I suddenly feel frightened for my life. Am I the right
candidate for the priesthood? What will happen to me if he rejects
me? I have nowhere to go. I take a deep breath, knowing my entire
future is in jeopardy.

“I want you to be honest
with me John.
The priesthood is more than a
vocation; it is a calling. The Catholic Church believes that God
speaks to some men and asks that they dedicate their lives to his
service. What makes you believe this is the life for
you?”

“I
want
to be honest with
you, I do, but
I
don’t know how to express what I feel. It’s an
emptiness so deep within me; I’m scared that it will destroy me.
I’ve always been a religious person, that
is
until I started
drinking and using drugs. I don’t know how I got so far off track
with my life. On some level, I want, no, I need to dedicate myself
to a higher calling. I know I’m a mess, and
I
know it won’t be
easy, but I want this Father. I want to be a better person. I want
to change the course of my life. I’ve made a mess of my life, and I
can’t live like this for another day, because if I do, it will
destroy me.”

“I don’t have any money. I
don’t have a sponsor. I have nothing but my desire to change my
life. I’ll work odd jobs if I need to. I’ll do whatever it takes to
succeed. I need help Father, and I have
nowhere
to go. Please
help me.”

My nerves are about to snap. My future
is in Father Randall’s hands. He’s sitting behind his desk staring
at me. What does he see? Does he see a drug addict, or does he see
a shred of potential in me. Please God, help me end the torture
that is my life.

“I hear sincerity in your voice John,
and I will help you. There will be conditions on my help. I hope
you understand that you have one chance to get this right. If you
fail, I will have no choice but to expel you from the seminary.
Here are my conditions.”

“One: You must successfully
complete detoxification. That will not be easy for you John. I will
contact the seminary’s onsite doctor. Once you have a
complete
examination, we will discuss what treatment will successfully
get you through the detoxification.”

“Two: At the appropriate
time, I will enroll and sponsor your studies. You will be
categorized as a Seminarian, and you will complete all of the
necessary theological studies. Once you have completed your
religious
studies, you will be ordained a
Transitional Diaconate.
Prospective
priests serve for roughly a year in the Diaconate and make promises
of celibacy and obedience to his Bishop at this stage. The
process
takes, at
least,
five years. Once you are ordained a
priest, you will be assigned to your parish.”

“Three: The Church will
absorb most of the expense of your education, on the condition that
you maintain your grade level. You will also be
required
to work
part-time, as long as it does not interfere with your studies. I
will find a job for you. I will provide
room
for you here, with
me, until you are ordained.”

“You will not have an easy
life while you live here, but it will be challenging and rewarding.
I am giving you a clean slate, John. What you do with it is
entirely up to you. However, I will be required to document what we
have discussed today, and it will be
on
your permanent record. Do
you feel you have it in you to complete your
studies
?”

“Do I have what it takes? I
really don’t know, but I intend to prove myself to you Father. You
are giving me the opportunity to change my life, to have a goal, to
live. Up until now, I’ve been coasting through life. My parents
are
ambivalent
towards me. I did what I wanted, and as you can
see, the consequences are significant.”

Father Randall opened the
top drawer of his
desk
and retrieved a stack of paperwork.
“Well, then we had better get started with your application.
Welcome to St. Matthew’s Seminary John. I hope your stay here will
be a rewarding one.”

“I hope so too, Father. Thank you for
this opportunity.”

Chapter 2

Present day: I have heard
rumors about a possible transfer to another parish. As I sit
outside Cardinal D’Antonio’s office, my mind races as I contemplate
returning to my childhood
church
. I developed a habit years ago of
twisting my rosary beads in my hands when I feel apprehensive. I
have been reliving memories buried long ago, and I am troubled. I
know that one day I may have to face my past. For the past nineteen
years, I have avoided my family. I live a solitary life, and prefer
to keep it that way.

“Father Brady, the Cardinal will see
you now.”

Taking a deep breath to steady my
nerves, I open the massive wooden door. Cardinal D’Antonio is an
imposing man, well over six feet tall, with thick white hair, and a
smile that could fill the church pews. I walk hesitantly towards
the Cardinal, bow as a sign of respect, and kiss the Cardinal’s
ring.

“Please
be seated Father Brady. It
is
wonderful
seeing
you again.”

“Thank you, Cardinal D’Antonio. It is
an honor to see you again.”

Leaning forward to rest his
arms on the ornate oak desk, The Cardinal opens the folder in front
of him. “Archbishop Dougherty has approved your transfer to St.
Peter’s Church. Father Mallard is not well, and they are in need
of
a
replacement.
You have served your parish
well over the years Father, and we will be sorry to see you leave.
Our young parishioners will miss your Sunday afternoon basketball
games.”

“They may miss me; however, my aching
joints thank you. I fear I am not as young as I once was. They run
circles around me, all the while laughing at me. I will miss them
tremendously.”

“And they will miss
you,
John. May I give you a farewell piece of advice?”

“I would be honored, Cardinal
D’Antonio.”

“I know of the
circumstances that brought you to the Church. I also know it was
not easy for you to assimilate in
to
your new life as a priest. I
have watched you over the years, and I am proud of you. Take
comfort in the fact that you have atoned for past sins. You are a
respected member of the Church.
”

I cringe as old memories
surfaced. “
Yes
Cardinal, it was difficult
for me. My life
was troubled, and while I was relieved to be away from everyone, I
was not confident I would be a good priest.
My withdraw from drugs and alcohol kept me in
constant turmoil, and I thought many times of leaving everything
behind and just running as far as I could to escape the mess I had
made of my life.”

“My mentor at the time,
Father Randall, helped me tremendously. He sat with me and guided
me
to
the path that was to become my new life. Once the
withdraw symptoms disappeared, I could think clearly, and soon
realized that my soul felt different. I started focusing on the
teachings of the Church, and I had a sense of peace and purpose
that I never had in my entire life.”

“When I think back to those
days, I often wonder what would have become of my life had I not
chose to leave. I was on a path of destruction and could not see
it. I am grateful having this second chance in life. I know it will
be challenging seeing my family after so many years. I have had no
contact with
them
and will admit that I am nervous
returning to my home parish.”

I rise from my seat and
kneel before The Cardinal to receive his blessing.
“
Go in peace Father Brady.”

The flight to Philadelphia took longer
than expected. The closer I come to the city, the more apprehensive
I become. Leaving the way I did with no contact for almost twenty
years was cowardly, however; my decision to remain distant was the
only option available to me at the time. My soul feels a sense of
dread. The ghosts of the past have a way of resurfacing. I pray
that will not happen.

As the plane taxied
to
the
runway, I close my eyes and take a deep cleansing breath. The
ghosts of the past must stay buried. When the taxi pulls up outside
the rectory, I smile as a flood of memories assault me. I remember
my years as an altar boy. I also remember stealing some of the
altar wine. As punishment, my friend Pete and I had to clean and
wax every pew in the church during our summer vacation.

It feels strange being back
in my childhood neighborhood. The houses looked aged and worn, and
there are n
o children
outside playing.
I have a lot of work to do
in this parish. Where do I start? How can I make a difference in
the lives of my new parishioners? I push these thoughts aside and
when I step into the rectory, a familiar scent, cigar smoke, drifts
towards me. Smiling, I inhale the sweet scent.

A booming voice, which
seemed to come from out of nowhere, startles me. “Well, look who we
have here, my favorite
church
cleaner, John Brady. Father
Brady, I am happy to see you again.”

Clasping Father O’Connell’s hand, I
said, “As soon as I stepped through the doorway, I knew you were
here. You still smoke those nasty cigars.”

Father O’Connell laughed. “That’s
right, and I still eat too much. Are you well John?”

“Yes Father, I am well. It is good to
be home again.”

“Yes,
it is Father Brady. We are in need
of a young priest with fresh ideas. Cardinal D’Antonio speaks
kindly of you.”