The Conscious Heart (40 page)

We suggested a radical (to Debbie) idea: “You’ve got Frank’s truth-telling misfiled. Whether Frank tells the truth is not something you can control, is it?”

Debbie shot back, “I certainly try to, and sometimes I think it’s working, my poking and prodding.”

“Yes,” we replied, “where did you learn to be a policewoman for truth-telling?”

Debbie laughed ruefully and said, “The truth was nonexistent in my family, and I became totally absorbed by the quest for truth. I even became a counselor”—the group laughed here—“and spend my days convincing people to tell the truth.”

“How do you feel at the end of the day?”

“I’m just exhausted; I have nothing left.”

“We’ve noticed that misfiling often starts with trying to do something now to correct something that
didn’t
happen a long time ago. The problem is, nothing you do in the present can change the past. And focusing on the past depletes your ability to affect your life right now. So Debbie, take this opportunity to give Frank back complete control over his truth-telling. And make a distinction about that in your body. Actually place Frank and his telling the truth in the correct file, ‘Things You Absolutely Cannot Change or Control.’ ”

Debbie took a few minutes to take deeper, diaphragmatic breaths and to unglue her shoulders and jaw, where she felt contracted when she tried to control Frank. After a bit her face turned pinker, and she started to smile. “If I don’t try to get Frank to tell me the truth all the time, I’d have time to appreciate him, to ask for what I want, and to have more fun.”

“Let’s take a look at your responsibility in this issue. What do you withhold from Frank?”

Debbie flushed as she said, “I think Frank tries to control my eating. He brings home all the latest articles on fat studies and foods that are bad for you and good for you. I feel like I’m on a merry-go-round every week trying to reach the brass ring of perfect health, as Frank sees it. I haven’t told him I keep stashes of Fritos and Milk Duds at work, where I can eat them whenever I want.”

“So he’s your health cop and you’re his truth cop.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s our deal.”

“We’ve noticed that truth-telling never changes on the level of doing or defending. It only works for you to be a space of truth. Then people want to tell the truth to you; you become safe to tell the truth to. So Debbie, would you be willing to be a space where people effortlessly tell the truth? Would you be willing to let go of any demand that they tell the truth?”

Debbie thought for just a few seconds and responded, “Yes!”

“Then, if people do tell the truth, you are fulfilling your commitment to be a space for truth-telling, and if they don’t, it’s a
signal that you’ve slipped in your commitment, not that they are wrong.”

By this time Debbie’s face had relaxed and brightened. Some-one in the group mentioned that she looked five years younger.

Choose one item from the column “Things to File.” First, think about how you try to control this area, and tighten up your body and try to control it right now. Worry about it, and rehearse how you’ll control it in the future; or practice harassing someone else as you tighten your body. Do this for a minute or two.

Now take a relaxed belly breath, and sigh through your open mouth as you breathe out. Take a moment to notice your body sensations. Is the residual tightness familiar? That rush you may have felt is adrenaline, a powerful and addictive substance that propels many people to continue misfiling. But those constant chemical bursts are ultimately exhausting, as Debbie noted. You might be surprised to discover what areas hold tension when you’re trying to control the uncontrollable. For example, Kathlyn noticed “I hold tension in my forearms when I’m misfiling. I think I hold back the impulse to get in there and do my Supercompetent reorganizing thing.”

Now take the items in “Things to File,” and place them in the correct file
. Write down the specific feeling, person, or event in “Things I Cannot Change or Control” or “Things I Can Change or Control.” (Hint: There are only two items that belong in the right-hand column.) We suggest making yourself a map on the floor so you can step into the correct file and physically place the issue where it belongs. Make this a whole-body experiment. Write the issue in the correct column and step into the right file, or place a symbol of the issue in the correct place on the floor. Do whatever you can to let your whole body participate in refiling.

Next, redirect your efforts toward the most effective strategies to build up the file “Things I Can Change or Control.” Take one issue that you’ve just filed correctly in the right-hand column and run through these three steps.

Make a new choice; think up a better idea
. Think up the most positive result in the problem area. With Debbie, we suggested making herself a source of truth rather than a police officer. Here are some other examples:

• I celebrate my sexual feelings fully and express them with integrity.

• I enjoy the accomplishments of my colleagues and appreciate what I can learn from them.

• I have plenty of money to do whatever I need or want, and I enjoy what I have.

• Whatever I give my children enhances my creativity, vitality, and bank balance.

• I experience radiant health and abundant energy throughout the day.

Do your best to use present-tense, action verbs in your sentences.

Form a plan of action
. If you want radiant health, schedule your exercise sessions in your appointment book along with all your other choices. Decide what steps need to be taken, whether it’s a physical or weight training, and note the date on which you’ll complete this step.

Make an agreement
. Making agreements opens your creativity and completes the filing process. It’s like the ending chord of the symphony that signals resolution. It’s especially powerful to make an agreement with another person. Here are some examples:

• I agree to make requests about cleaning the kitchen rather than complaining to you.

• I agree to tell you whenever I have sexual fantasies about other people.

• I agree to take fifteen minutes each day to practice conscious listening.

• I agree to alternate car-pooling days with you for the kids’ activities.

6/Developing Appreciation

M
any relationship breakthroughs take place when people learn to appreciate. But few of us are skilled in this crucial area. How many hours of your formal education did you spend being trained to look at the student next to you and deliver appreciations? In most high schools such an activity would probably cause a riot. So most of us are kindergarteners when it comes to delivering gratitude. In therapy we often end a difficult session with a round of appreciation. “Okay,” we’ll say, “what is good about this relationship?” Or we ask a couple to face each other and take turns telling each other what they appreciate about each other.

We made a more concerted effort in this regard after reading
some of John Gottman’s research. As we mentioned earlier, he found that thriving relationships have at least a five-to-one ratio of appreciations to negative comments. In our own relationship we began to increase the number of conscious appreciations we delivered each day. We made it a point to deliver appreciations to the people who work with us and for us. Suddenly the workday began working more smoothly. Then we began opening our public talks with appreciations. Before a talk we would tune in to people we were feeling genuine appreciation for, then talk about those appreciations as we began. Once, in a talk at a large bookstore in Berkeley, someone came up afterward and told us we were the only speakers that had ever appreciated the staff for their contribution to the evening. How amazing! People had set up chairs, made coffee, and helped us in a dozen little ways. No one had ever appreciated them out loud during the talk! The world would be a better place indeed if we worked on getting the five-to-one ratio into each area of our lives.

In addition to actively appreciating the people in your life, continue to develop appreciation during contemplative time. The following is a journal activity that can be completed solo or shared out loud with a partner.

Complete the following sentences:

One positive thing I am aware of through my senses right now is ___________.

Another positive thing I am aware of through my senses right now is ___________.

One positive aspect of my life today is ___________.

Another positive aspect of my life today is ___________.

Think of a person you are in conflict with right now. One positive quality she or he has is ___________.

Another positive quality she or he has is ___________.

Make a list of daily activities or behaviors that people close to you do and that make your life sweeter or richer.

1._______________________________________________________

2._______________________________________________________

3._______________________________________________________

Share your list today with the people involved.

Make a list of the people in your life whose contributions you appreciate. Make a plan to acknowledge those gifts in person or by phone, fax, e-mail, or letter.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

KATHLYN HENDRICKS, PH.D.,
and
GAY HENDRICKS, PH.D.,
are pioneers in the field of body-centered psychotherapy, nationally known teachers and seminar leaders, and co-authors of the bestselling
Conscious Loving
and
At the Speed of Life
. They have been partners in life and work for nearly twenty years and share two adult children and a grandchild. They currently live in Santa Barbara, California.